I Need Advice on End of Life Caregiving, please

appleyellowgreen
appleyellowgreen Member Posts: 38 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My mother-in-law is in the hospital and has been there for over two weeks. She is 91+ and has lymphoma, bladder cancer, bone mets, and heaven knows what else.

She has gone through two 6-month treatment courses and went through those with flying colors. Right now, she's hardly flying. She lived with through each chemo regimen. A total of 20 months in two years. She has now had another recurrence of the lymphoma and it was only recently that her bone problems started.

I almost forgot, she also suffered atrial fibrillation, which they reversed with cardioversion.

The drs. have listed her as someone they are planning to discharge. I don't know what to do. I know I can't take care of her. I also know that my husband, who is going through his own lung cancer story, won't be thrilled about "putting her away."

We are lucky that we could afford to have someone here 24 hours a day. She will need that. She is incontinent. She doesn't eat. She doesn't drink. She sleeps constantly. She is refusing to take part in her own recovery. The only change in her behavior since she was moved from our home to the hospital two weeks ago is that she is not getting out of bed to urinate. She is totally fatigued after that. Her life had been run by her toilet habits and now she's realized she didn't need to be so crazy about them all this time.

What are my options? I'm going to see the social worker tomrorow. We could have her stay with us with 24 hours worth of caregivers. That would make my husband very unhappy because he wouldn't trust anyone he doesn't know. We could find a hospice residence, but my husband doesn't think his mother will like the word hospice - who would. We could put her in a rehab facility, but the nurses and drs. seem to agree that there isn't a hell of a lot a rehab center could do for her.

She is obstinate, nasty, angry, pushy, etc.; she has no good side now. It's almost like she's watching us all trying to make her happy and she's either amused, or asleep depending on the time of day.

I need help. I live in metropolitan New York and would welcome any area specific ideas as well.

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
    being the bad guy
    Good to see you, happy apple. Hope you and your husband are getting along okay.

    As caregiver to my eldery mother, I've lived among the old folks a lot for the last year or so. The time comes when they need professional care, and I've had to be the bad guy in making the call. Everybody gets over it. So, you've said what your husband wants and what your mother-in-law wants, but what about you? To an outsider, it's pretty clear that your mother in law needs to be in a hospice facility. It is asking too much to care for a spouse with late stage lung cancer and an unpleasant, incontinent dying person at the same time.

    See if you can find an available bed close to your home, and grab it. Two extended family relatives have needed hospice level care at the end, and the facilities were quite nice, and much quieter and laid back than the hospital. Once there, she may love all the attention she receives.

    Good luck. It's a tough situation.
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #3
    Can you....
    Okay, this may sound underhanded and at this stage you may not be able to do it, but can you make the dr. (ANY dr.) the bad guy and get him to tell your husband and mother-in-law that she needs to go to hospice? That will target the upset in another direction. Drs. should be able to handle that just fine.

    As for your husband's aversion to hospice, well, that's understandable, but has he ever been to the facility and seen the kind of care and attention that's given there? My husband always wanted to be at home and until the very last day he was. I don't believe he ever knew he'd been moved to hospice, but he received in that day such good care and they made him so comfortable. I was really grateful for that.

    My thoughts are with you. YOur plate is definitely running over.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #4
    Options
    I hope the social worker helps you deal with the many things on your plate. Mom-in-law sounds like she may be dealing with some dementia as well as all the other medical problems. You need to be honest with your husband about your concerns. You want both of the people here to receive the best care possible. His mom can receive that optimal care somewhere other than in your home. Social workers and doctors need to step up to the plate and recommend which place that is. Ask them to do so. Then your husband needs to support that recommendation. You have your hands full with his care. Some times it's hard to just say no, but for everyone's health you need some space. Take care, Fay

Discussion Boards