Just Need to vent!

badsister
badsister Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My sister, 25, has breast cancer. She is starting chemo next week. We have never had a great relationship- fought since probably the moment she was born. Now I am so scared to lose her. I thought that maybe someday when we were on the same life path- 7 years difference we would be able to sit down and talk everything out, forgive each other and be close. Now I don't know if we will ever be able to do that. Starting next week I will be "taking care" of her. I live in a 2 flat with my parents they live downstairs. She will be staying down there after her treatments. During the nights when my parents are working I will be taking care of her- without her knowing it. I am a single mother and to add this on top of it brings the stress level pretty high. Plus, I am scared to lose her and making my depression even worse. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this- no friends, no boyfriend, and the only person I talk to is my mother. My exciting Friday and Saturday nights is spending with my 2 year old son. I work from home, so no one to talk there except the children I watch which is totally not cool. I just wish I had one person I could talk to without feeling like a burden them about this. All I want to do his hide, so I play video games when I should be cleaning, cooking, and spending time with my son. Help I don't know what to do.

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Not Bad
    First of all, I don't like your name. You are not the bad sister. Not all sisters are best friends. Sometimes they just rub each other the wrong way and, we still have that sibling rivalry thing going even as adults. You obviously care about your sister or you wouldn't be taking her cancer so hard. You have suddenly come face to face with your sister's and your own mortality. Maybe that some day when you were going to work things out with your sister needs to be now. Can you sit down and talk? Can you tell her how you feel about her having cancer? She may want to repair your relationship, too. You talk about forgiveness. Now may a good time for you to forgive both yourself and your sister. Again, you may never be close or best friends, but you can be family. You might consider counseling and talk to your doctor about depression. You need to concentrate on taking care of yourself and your child first. Do what is right for both of you. I can't help but feel that the first step here is to forgive yourself and understand that you really aren't badsister. Fay
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #3
    grandmafay said:

    Not Bad
    First of all, I don't like your name. You are not the bad sister. Not all sisters are best friends. Sometimes they just rub each other the wrong way and, we still have that sibling rivalry thing going even as adults. You obviously care about your sister or you wouldn't be taking her cancer so hard. You have suddenly come face to face with your sister's and your own mortality. Maybe that some day when you were going to work things out with your sister needs to be now. Can you sit down and talk? Can you tell her how you feel about her having cancer? She may want to repair your relationship, too. You talk about forgiveness. Now may a good time for you to forgive both yourself and your sister. Again, you may never be close or best friends, but you can be family. You might consider counseling and talk to your doctor about depression. You need to concentrate on taking care of yourself and your child first. Do what is right for both of you. I can't help but feel that the first step here is to forgive yourself and understand that you really aren't badsister. Fay

    Change your name!
    Hi Sister,
    I agree with Fay. That name will take your self esteem way down. You are the older sister, or the sister, but not a bad sister! It is time to sit down and get all of your feelings out in the open. Everyone needs to forgive and forget. Life is too short. She needs your support. Keep in touch.
    Tina
  • GregStahl
    GregStahl Member Posts: 188
    #4
    I agree with everyone on the name.
    Change your name, not a bad sister.
    I too work from home and soon will be taking care of my wife, 7 yr old son....my 17 yr old is heading off to college in a few months.
    We live in a small town in N. E. Texas and are fairly new here. No real friends, and I also work from home.
    First, you have friends here...granted its hard to cry on a shoulder across the web, but we all are dealing with cancer in some way and have a better understanding of what you are going thru. Dont be afraid to post here or email people. If you want to talk to someone just ask.
    Second, you cant hide....take care of your business and take care of your son, he is priority #1. I have found myself going back to my escape mechanism again and I have to stop myself. Third, talk it out with your sister. Once she starts chemo, her moods will vary.
    One thing I learned the week my dad passed.....Never pass the oportunity to tell someone you care about "I love you".
    Good luck and stay in touch.
  • halsons
    halsons Member Posts: 76
    #5
    hiding
    I know what you are saying about hiding.I have a hard time talking with people I know about the pain and emptyness and lose. I still after almost 4 months of loosing my best friend and husband want to hide almost daily. I still am in the fog quit a bit and have to forse myself to get up in the morning. I have four kids and can't talk to them about my feelings regarding some issues. I think you should check into like Fay said some groups that have people who are dealing with the same things you are. I first thought I was the only one going through this pain and I was very wrong. I found there are lots of people who are dealing with the same things and maybe worse things them I am. It helps to talk about it and with these chat rooms I can do just that. There are lots of people who know what you are going through and are willing to help and listen.
  • ellie325
    ellie325 Member Posts: 15
    #6
    being a sister
    I am the youngest of family. Older sister and brother. My mother has colon cancer, had surgery Easter 2009. She had 9 chemo treatments until reaction set in. My brother is in Arizona , sister in Pa. and im in N.J. We were not really a close family. My sister is out going, good at everything she does, married a good man,financially well off, HAS TONS OF FRIENDS. I have no friends, am extremely shy until I get to know you, even then don't express my real feelings,Divorced twice,Have a boyfriend who at this time is no real help. My advice to you is talk to your sister. Keep it calm and no finger pointing, but express to her how scared you are and your fears. Start slow and easy with simple things and work up to the big issues. After a year of taking care of mom , we see each other in different light. We talked about things from childhood to now. Knowing what each other felt and taking time to listen and put ourselves in each other shoes has brought us together in a way I never thought was possible. We are true sisters and FRIENDS now. It's never to late and it's better to take a chance in this situation because regret is a terrible thing to live with.One thing I should add is we both didn't get along with mom. She was a hard strick person, very cold. With my 83 yr. old mom facing her own death , has also turned around. She hugs us and gives us kisses now.I guess having to have your daughters give you a bath and wipe you after you go to bathroom will do that.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #7
    ellie325 said:

    being a sister
    I am the youngest of family. Older sister and brother. My mother has colon cancer, had surgery Easter 2009. She had 9 chemo treatments until reaction set in. My brother is in Arizona , sister in Pa. and im in N.J. We were not really a close family. My sister is out going, good at everything she does, married a good man,financially well off, HAS TONS OF FRIENDS. I have no friends, am extremely shy until I get to know you, even then don't express my real feelings,Divorced twice,Have a boyfriend who at this time is no real help. My advice to you is talk to your sister. Keep it calm and no finger pointing, but express to her how scared you are and your fears. Start slow and easy with simple things and work up to the big issues. After a year of taking care of mom , we see each other in different light. We talked about things from childhood to now. Knowing what each other felt and taking time to listen and put ourselves in each other shoes has brought us together in a way I never thought was possible. We are true sisters and FRIENDS now. It's never to late and it's better to take a chance in this situation because regret is a terrible thing to live with.One thing I should add is we both didn't get along with mom. She was a hard strick person, very cold. With my 83 yr. old mom facing her own death , has also turned around. She hugs us and gives us kisses now.I guess having to have your daughters give you a bath and wipe you after you go to bathroom will do that.

    silver lining
    Ellie, what a wonderful silver lining behind the black cloud story. My family is on the same schedule as yours, with 79-year old high maintenance Mom diagnosed with ovarian cancer in Feb. 09. My brothers and I got along before, but working together for Mom has helped up get to know each other better as people, with all our talents and flaws. The best part has been developing the family into a forgiveness zone. Instead of indulging in judgments and resentments, we stay in forgiveness mode all the time. So far, it’s working.
  • herbal77
    herbal77 Member Posts: 2
    #8
    I can relate with the part
    I can relate with the part of not having anyone to talk to and nothing/nowhere to do/go. I quit my job to take care of my husband and then had to sell our newly renovated customized home to move back closer to a VA hospital. We rent now but it's a nice place and in the country. It's also closer to my family. I've always been the blacksheep and moved away because of how my family treated me. It got better after a few years of being away, but once we moved back and the novelty wore off of us being closer to everyone, now we're as alone as if we were still miles away. My husband's family is just as bad. Only my oldest daughter really helps. My youngest, a son, moved out of state two states (or is it three) away. My youngest daughter and I never were close--although I have tried repeatedly to get close. My husband always was emotionally distant, and that hasn't changed. But I feel so alone, isolated and miss working since at least I had someone to talk to there and felt appreciated and valued there. My oldest daughter is very close to her dad, so those two visit alot with each other and he prefers her to take him to radiation. Man, it feels good to get all this out. I just had to vent. Boo hoo, poor lil me

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