This lonleness is killing me.......
Comments
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It's going to be OK
Please try to stay positive. I know it's hard and not easy. Very scary stuff. It sounds like you were lucky to have your daughter with you for the physical battle and all of your other support. Try and focus on the positive things, like winning the battle and don't worry about reoccurance. We all can't change what has happened to us. We had no control. We do have control over how we try to move forward. The feelings you are feeling are perfectly normal. I have had those same feelings of depression and sadness. Who wouldn't after all we have been thru. Do something that nourishes your soul. Do something for yourself that makes you feel good. Anything. Go for a walk when it's warm and sunny. Pick some flowers and put them in a vase. Look at pictures of your family and good times. Remember the person that you are and don't let this disease take that away from you. Stay strong. I hope you find peace. It's going to be OK.0 -
survivor, I'm so, so sorry
survivor, I'm so, so sorry that you are so sad. I definitely relate as I spent a lot of time worrying about it coming back. In fact, I still think about it but I've learned not to let it take up my entire day. I think we've all been where you are. And you are so right, most think that when the trmnts end so does the cancer. They have no idea that the trmnts were only the first half of the battle. I was alone much of the time also. My ex and granddauther live with me but they were out an about and enjoying life. I on the other hand was recovering from cancer and trying to find my life. That is as hard as the trmnts. I am getting better but I still have a long way to. And it isn't just the recovering it is also life's other hard knocks that get me down. But then I come here and read other's troubles and I feel extremely blessed. I don't know if you've read anything about chef but his life is a living hell right now. My heart breaks for him as it does you. I also understand that even tho someone else is worse off, it doesnt' ease the pain we are in. But maybe it can help put our pain in perspective. If I can do anything to hlep you, please let me know. In the meantime, I'll put you in my prayers.
God Bless,
Debbie0 -
Oh my!
I am so sorry survivor31! You must miss them so much!
I can relate, my family was in the house when I went thru TX,but I had to crawl downstairs to get a drink of water because no one could be bothered. I spent many months in bed, alone, depressed and anxious. Yes, we made it thru the TX, but the following months are just as difficult. I made up my mind I would do it. I found a lot of comfort in prayer, and believe my faith got me thru. I almost wished I was alone in this big old house since any support was minimal. After my 6 mos PET scan was clear (Hooray!)my husband told me "Now you can get a job." =( I guess I am supposed to- as you said - suck it up and move on.
The big "C" made everyone uncomfortable. Poor them, huh?
Please try not to focus on a reoccurrance, stay positive and believe you are healed. The worry is robbing you of living your life. I do still have my pity party's, so please don't think I have a handle on this! Lol! One day at a time!
If you need to talk, this forum is the best place for answers and support. They are my second family. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. We are all here for you!
Love & Prayers, Patty0 -
Patty, I'm so sorry you arepattyanny said:Oh my!
I am so sorry survivor31! You must miss them so much!
I can relate, my family was in the house when I went thru TX,but I had to crawl downstairs to get a drink of water because no one could be bothered. I spent many months in bed, alone, depressed and anxious. Yes, we made it thru the TX, but the following months are just as difficult. I made up my mind I would do it. I found a lot of comfort in prayer, and believe my faith got me thru. I almost wished I was alone in this big old house since any support was minimal. After my 6 mos PET scan was clear (Hooray!)my husband told me "Now you can get a job." =( I guess I am supposed to- as you said - suck it up and move on.
The big "C" made everyone uncomfortable. Poor them, huh?
Please try not to focus on a reoccurrance, stay positive and believe you are healed. The worry is robbing you of living your life. I do still have my pity party's, so please don't think I have a handle on this! Lol! One day at a time!
If you need to talk, this forum is the best place for answers and support. They are my second family. Stay in touch and let us know how you are doing. We are all here for you!
Love & Prayers, Patty
Patty, I'm so sorry you are alone and your husband, well, he needs to realize that only the trmnts are complete which means now you are in the recover stage which takes a lot longer. I don't think family mean to be heartless, they just CANNOT understand what our bodies feel like and the hell they've been put thur. Please try not to take it personally when someone says, suck it up, they are just ignorant of what is going on with us. I was just as ignorant when my mom went thru this 30+ yrs ago. I absolutely had no idea and I'm sorry for my late mother that I had no idea. I am willing to give anyone my phone number that may want to talk to someone rather than read. So, please, send me a pm if you'd like my number. For both you and survivor, please hang in there and when you need someone to understand what you're feeling, you know you can come and and know that WE WILL UNDERSTAND!! We've either been there or are going thru it and will be there soon (I pray).
God Bless,
Debbie0 -
Hi Survivor
One of our problems are that people believe that once we are finish with treatment we are normal again and can get back to doing things the same as if the cancer never happened. After cancer nothing is the same we all have to adjust to our new normal. A lot of times like you depression can set in because the inside of your body is still healing and will do so for a very long long time. It is important that you talk to your doctor and get help if you need it, also here on CSN make it a daily stopping place where you can get help from others with cancer. There are a lot of Survivors here and we stay here to help each other get the support we all need, none of us are a rock but we can all be a friend, when one is down we are all down.
God bless and be with you.0 -
Oh boy! Can I EVER relate toHondo said:Hi Survivor
One of our problems are that people believe that once we are finish with treatment we are normal again and can get back to doing things the same as if the cancer never happened. After cancer nothing is the same we all have to adjust to our new normal. A lot of times like you depression can set in because the inside of your body is still healing and will do so for a very long long time. It is important that you talk to your doctor and get help if you need it, also here on CSN make it a daily stopping place where you can get help from others with cancer. There are a lot of Survivors here and we stay here to help each other get the support we all need, none of us are a rock but we can all be a friend, when one is down we are all down.
God bless and be with you.
Oh boy! Can I EVER relate to how you are feeling!! It's been 7 months since my last treatment, and I still have feelings of depression. I agree with everyone who has commented so far. It is normal. And find something that gives you joy. Even a small thing. I know to you right now, doesn't sound possible. But trust me, you will come out of this too. This website is a wonderful thing to help you along. It's a Godsend at times:) Chin up! And one foot in front of the other:)
Cindy0 -
RoutineHondo said:Hi Survivor
One of our problems are that people believe that once we are finish with treatment we are normal again and can get back to doing things the same as if the cancer never happened. After cancer nothing is the same we all have to adjust to our new normal. A lot of times like you depression can set in because the inside of your body is still healing and will do so for a very long long time. It is important that you talk to your doctor and get help if you need it, also here on CSN make it a daily stopping place where you can get help from others with cancer. There are a lot of Survivors here and we stay here to help each other get the support we all need, none of us are a rock but we can all be a friend, when one is down we are all down.
God bless and be with you.
HI S31,
We all hear your pain. It's not nice but you need to understand this is not permanent. You will turn the corner and the horrible feelings will go away. Also, you are sick because of the 'treatment' - NOT the Cancer. Most lively the Cancer is dead and gone, so it's really the damage done by the treatment that is hurting you physically. Your body is amazing and it will heal for the most part and you will be able to live a normal life, even though there may be a few nuisance things, but they will be bearable.
I have you have the energy to try and get good food/nutrition into you as this will help the healing, and reduce the chances of recurrence so focus a lot on that and study up if you can.
I have mentioned before, that I read Lance Armstrong's powerful book -"It's not about the bike'. I recommend you get it as it shows you what you can do after cancer. I also used o watch old children's movies and I remember i downloaded and watched 'Pollyanna'. Sometimes going back in time to happier times can help restore the positive feelings.
Lastly - Survivor31- and yes you are a survivor -I want to you do me a favor. Repeat a positive affirmation every day, every hour and even 100 times in an hour. It's a bit like a Mantra and it is known to help plant the positive seeds back into your mind. I used the following couple and i know it help me turn the corner.
Repeat...
1. My mind is clear - my body is healthy.My mind is clear - my body is healthy, My mind is clear - my body is healthy......Say it over and over again whenever you can, all day, every day. Do this for 21 days.
Also 2. I used to sing the Beatles song "Getting so much better all the time...Again over and over again.
You can make up your own affirmation or go online and find some other good ones. Louise Hay - author of 'You Can Heal Your Life' - also has many you can find in her book or online.
You will get better S31, it will take a bit more time but have faith and know that the little tiny light you may not even see yet, is there at the end of the tunnel, and will start to grow and become brighter for you and you will come out into the glorious sunlight of life again.
XXX
Scambuster0 -
scambuster...Scambuster said:Routine
HI S31,
We all hear your pain. It's not nice but you need to understand this is not permanent. You will turn the corner and the horrible feelings will go away. Also, you are sick because of the 'treatment' - NOT the Cancer. Most lively the Cancer is dead and gone, so it's really the damage done by the treatment that is hurting you physically. Your body is amazing and it will heal for the most part and you will be able to live a normal life, even though there may be a few nuisance things, but they will be bearable.
I have you have the energy to try and get good food/nutrition into you as this will help the healing, and reduce the chances of recurrence so focus a lot on that and study up if you can.
I have mentioned before, that I read Lance Armstrong's powerful book -"It's not about the bike'. I recommend you get it as it shows you what you can do after cancer. I also used o watch old children's movies and I remember i downloaded and watched 'Pollyanna'. Sometimes going back in time to happier times can help restore the positive feelings.
Lastly - Survivor31- and yes you are a survivor -I want to you do me a favor. Repeat a positive affirmation every day, every hour and even 100 times in an hour. It's a bit like a Mantra and it is known to help plant the positive seeds back into your mind. I used the following couple and i know it help me turn the corner.
Repeat...
1. My mind is clear - my body is healthy.My mind is clear - my body is healthy, My mind is clear - my body is healthy......Say it over and over again whenever you can, all day, every day. Do this for 21 days.
Also 2. I used to sing the Beatles song "Getting so much better all the time...Again over and over again.
You can make up your own affirmation or go online and find some other good ones. Louise Hay - author of 'You Can Heal Your Life' - also has many you can find in her book or online.
You will get better S31, it will take a bit more time but have faith and know that the little tiny light you may not even see yet, is there at the end of the tunnel, and will start to grow and become brighter for you and you will come out into the glorious sunlight of life again.
XXX
Scambuster
what a nice post!0 -
WowHondo said:Hi Survivor
One of our problems are that people believe that once we are finish with treatment we are normal again and can get back to doing things the same as if the cancer never happened. After cancer nothing is the same we all have to adjust to our new normal. A lot of times like you depression can set in because the inside of your body is still healing and will do so for a very long long time. It is important that you talk to your doctor and get help if you need it, also here on CSN make it a daily stopping place where you can get help from others with cancer. There are a lot of Survivors here and we stay here to help each other get the support we all need, none of us are a rock but we can all be a friend, when one is down we are all down.
God bless and be with you.
Survivor,
Your words echo through many halls that many of us have traveled. I was lucky on the support end as well as the emotional end by my spouse. But, like you and many others here, I had that nagging thought, "What if it comes back ?". Well, I found out the hard way. A little over one year after my base of tongue cancer, I got Melanoma. Had to have the same Surgeon operate on me and luckily he is also a Plastic Surgeon as well. He reconstructed my face to make me handsome again : )
If it comes back, you will do what you have already done once, Fight this beast and win. I see Hondo posting here and he has traveled this road 3 times. A true Road Warrior. And yes, we get into the rut of thinking too much about it and it can easily consume us,if we allow it to. We will never forget that we went through this, and it is a big part of our lives. We will have follow up visits with Doctors for years to come, so we can't brush it aside like some people think we should. We will look back over our shoulders, just try to make it a glimpse instead of a stare.
I look at it as another chance at making myself a better person. I was going along on the Highway of life and pretty much set myself on cruise control. Then in 2004, two of the wheels fell off and my life was put on hold. Made the repairs, physically and realized I needed my head on straight as well. We all have a choice each day to be happy or sad, friendly or nasty. When I get up and shave, I look in the mirror and ask myself if I can be a better person than I was yesterday. I try to do it, by simply smiling and enjoying each day that is given me.
I know it might sound a bit selfish, but do things that YOU enjoy. Allot of good advice was given by those that posted here. But only You can change how you feel. Our minds control how we feel, how we feel controls how we react to everything.
My Best to You and Everyone Here0 -
YesHondo said:Hi Survivor
One of our problems are that people believe that once we are finish with treatment we are normal again and can get back to doing things the same as if the cancer never happened. After cancer nothing is the same we all have to adjust to our new normal. A lot of times like you depression can set in because the inside of your body is still healing and will do so for a very long long time. It is important that you talk to your doctor and get help if you need it, also here on CSN make it a daily stopping place where you can get help from others with cancer. There are a lot of Survivors here and we stay here to help each other get the support we all need, none of us are a rock but we can all be a friend, when one is down we are all down.
God bless and be with you.
To all that Hondo said.
I must add, though, a little something. Depression, post-treatment, can be very real. Whether it's our expectations, or the expectations of others, the fact that our lives have changed with the H&N C, and treatment, cannot be denied. The physical trauma of C&R, along with the lasting side-effects, are very real. The actual post-treatment change, though, is to the greater part physical- though this Chemo Brain thing still isn't known a lot about. Yes, the lasting side-effects do enter the mental, as we have to mentally deal with the loss of saliva, tooth and gum problems, nerve damage, etc.; but, like it or not- that's our new reality. Self-pity serves no positive purpose, other than being a crutch. To me, it's a simple matter of accepting the new physical reality of this 2nd-chance at life. Others may have problems with accepting, for instance, my new physical reality- but they are the one's having a problem with reality- not me.
Bottom-line: post-treatment we are regarded as being C-free, and expected to move forward with our lives as truly best we can. Of course, it's a gradual return for all of us, but we can each build a good new life for ourself. Yes, it's slow-going at first, but we must all move forward to live that 2nd-chance at life. HEY, WHAT WAS THAT BIGTIME BATTLE WITH C FOR, ANYWAY? Reckon I asked myself that question a few times in the past year. And, yes, the lasting side-effects are still a bit of a struggle, and I know the chances of another battle with C are greater than others who've never had C, and yes- I have had to ratchet-down my expectations for my life experience, but that's the new reality I accept, and live with, and am going forward with.
If one is having trouble moving forward, or struggling with Depression- that is what Counselors are for. The only problem with seeing a Counselor rests with the one who thinks there's something wrong with seeing a Counselor- especially post-C&R for H&N.
Believe
kcass0 -
We all agree
I totally agree, not to chime in, i can be at the top of the world and crash the next, is it medication, the word cancer or what, you have a few people listen, then it's like your on your own. My family is 15 hours away, my wife and kids are like well he's got a trach, and spits alot, i want my old self back...I can't have it...trying one more supposedly a cure to heal my body, after that I don't know what I'll do. Your are not alone I think it has alot to do with the meds...are you taking anything for pain? Hang in there you are not alone! Dennis0 -
Everyone's comments have been cogentdennis318 said:We all agree
I totally agree, not to chime in, i can be at the top of the world and crash the next, is it medication, the word cancer or what, you have a few people listen, then it's like your on your own. My family is 15 hours away, my wife and kids are like well he's got a trach, and spits alot, i want my old self back...I can't have it...trying one more supposedly a cure to heal my body, after that I don't know what I'll do. Your are not alone I think it has alot to do with the meds...are you taking anything for pain? Hang in there you are not alone! Dennis
Be aware of the new normal is all I can say. I remember so well the day I finished chemo and radiation. I thought it was over and I would get well. The treatment was over but the recovery is still an on going thing for me. I am three years out of treatment and cancer free and still am recovering. Depression snuck in on me with out me even realizing it. The feelings you have are normal.( I know that does not help much does it?) Getting over it is the proper advise....BUT...it is easier said than done. IT actually made me more depressed. I could not understand why I did not want to get better. I didn't want to do anything. That made me feel even more guilty. Compounding the onset of the depression.
Seek out counseling. Use you meds appropriately and keep up the fight to get better. We all traavel the same road just at a different speed. As irritating as this may sound....You need to chose. I chose to be depressed for a while. Did not know why I wanted to be depressed. Now I have started to chose to be happy. Why ? Mostly because I did not like being depressed. Take little steps on the way to recovery. Choosing to be happy during recovery is a constant. I have to say that it becomes easier to chose the happier one becomes.
Until you chose I will be reading the threads and making comments to you and other people that have worries and situations that are out of control. Cancer is a nasty affair and no one should have to go through the treatments. Well... we have it.. and we have to deal with it... choice or not. Please keep coming back to the site. I cannot say what a difference the thoughts, prayers, and stories of others has done for my recovery from Stage IV tongue cancer, from depression caused by the treatments, and not feeling alone. I/We have been there and understand what you are going through... having traveled a similar road.0 -
Scambuster-I think I'm inScambuster said:Routine
HI S31,
We all hear your pain. It's not nice but you need to understand this is not permanent. You will turn the corner and the horrible feelings will go away. Also, you are sick because of the 'treatment' - NOT the Cancer. Most lively the Cancer is dead and gone, so it's really the damage done by the treatment that is hurting you physically. Your body is amazing and it will heal for the most part and you will be able to live a normal life, even though there may be a few nuisance things, but they will be bearable.
I have you have the energy to try and get good food/nutrition into you as this will help the healing, and reduce the chances of recurrence so focus a lot on that and study up if you can.
I have mentioned before, that I read Lance Armstrong's powerful book -"It's not about the bike'. I recommend you get it as it shows you what you can do after cancer. I also used o watch old children's movies and I remember i downloaded and watched 'Pollyanna'. Sometimes going back in time to happier times can help restore the positive feelings.
Lastly - Survivor31- and yes you are a survivor -I want to you do me a favor. Repeat a positive affirmation every day, every hour and even 100 times in an hour. It's a bit like a Mantra and it is known to help plant the positive seeds back into your mind. I used the following couple and i know it help me turn the corner.
Repeat...
1. My mind is clear - my body is healthy.My mind is clear - my body is healthy, My mind is clear - my body is healthy......Say it over and over again whenever you can, all day, every day. Do this for 21 days.
Also 2. I used to sing the Beatles song "Getting so much better all the time...Again over and over again.
You can make up your own affirmation or go online and find some other good ones. Louise Hay - author of 'You Can Heal Your Life' - also has many you can find in her book or online.
You will get better S31, it will take a bit more time but have faith and know that the little tiny light you may not even see yet, is there at the end of the tunnel, and will start to grow and become brighter for you and you will come out into the glorious sunlight of life again.
XXX
Scambuster
Scambuster-I think I'm in love with you but don't tell my husband! What a great encouraging post.0 -
I have to agree with youcwcad said:Everyone's comments have been cogent
Be aware of the new normal is all I can say. I remember so well the day I finished chemo and radiation. I thought it was over and I would get well. The treatment was over but the recovery is still an on going thing for me. I am three years out of treatment and cancer free and still am recovering. Depression snuck in on me with out me even realizing it. The feelings you have are normal.( I know that does not help much does it?) Getting over it is the proper advise....BUT...it is easier said than done. IT actually made me more depressed. I could not understand why I did not want to get better. I didn't want to do anything. That made me feel even more guilty. Compounding the onset of the depression.
Seek out counseling. Use you meds appropriately and keep up the fight to get better. We all traavel the same road just at a different speed. As irritating as this may sound....You need to chose. I chose to be depressed for a while. Did not know why I wanted to be depressed. Now I have started to chose to be happy. Why ? Mostly because I did not like being depressed. Take little steps on the way to recovery. Choosing to be happy during recovery is a constant. I have to say that it becomes easier to chose the happier one becomes.
Until you chose I will be reading the threads and making comments to you and other people that have worries and situations that are out of control. Cancer is a nasty affair and no one should have to go through the treatments. Well... we have it.. and we have to deal with it... choice or not. Please keep coming back to the site. I cannot say what a difference the thoughts, prayers, and stories of others has done for my recovery from Stage IV tongue cancer, from depression caused by the treatments, and not feeling alone. I/We have been there and understand what you are going through... having traveled a similar road.
I have to agree with you 100% cwcad!! I didn't know how to word how I felt or how I dealt with it. But you said it!! I think you do choose to be depressed. And why? I don't know. I am still up and down. Between feeling gratefull and happy to down and depressed. Everyday, I try and try to be upbeat and get a thrill out of the simple things in life. I think happy and moving forward is going to win!
Cindy0 -
thanks everyonefishingirl said:I have to agree with you
I have to agree with you 100% cwcad!! I didn't know how to word how I felt or how I dealt with it. But you said it!! I think you do choose to be depressed. And why? I don't know. I am still up and down. Between feeling gratefull and happy to down and depressed. Everyday, I try and try to be upbeat and get a thrill out of the simple things in life. I think happy and moving forward is going to win!
Cindy
it is so comforting knowing that there are people who have been in my shoes and can inspire me when I want to give up and just lay around and let the beast win but by reading everyone's post I think I need to try a bit harder to get up and enjoy life again and I need to accept that my life is not in my hands it is in Gods hands im only 31 and trufully im not ready to die but who is its strange how you hear cancer free but really are not free, this thing will be a part of me for the rest of my life but I hope that one day I will walk on the school campus and be able to be a psychology student again laugh with friends go out to dinner and make plans to travel and see things and places I have not seen with my kids right by my side and not even think about cancer and what it has left behind and when it dose pop up to thump it off my shoulders and smile on how I made it and keep on keeping on thanks everyone thank you for helping me try to find me I know she is somewhere in there I just have to search hard enough : )0 -
survivor, you are so verysurvivor31 said:thanks everyone
it is so comforting knowing that there are people who have been in my shoes and can inspire me when I want to give up and just lay around and let the beast win but by reading everyone's post I think I need to try a bit harder to get up and enjoy life again and I need to accept that my life is not in my hands it is in Gods hands im only 31 and trufully im not ready to die but who is its strange how you hear cancer free but really are not free, this thing will be a part of me for the rest of my life but I hope that one day I will walk on the school campus and be able to be a psychology student again laugh with friends go out to dinner and make plans to travel and see things and places I have not seen with my kids right by my side and not even think about cancer and what it has left behind and when it dose pop up to thump it off my shoulders and smile on how I made it and keep on keeping on thanks everyone thank you for helping me try to find me I know she is somewhere in there I just have to search hard enough : )
survivor, you are so very welcome. I was there where you are. Many others have been too. It would be alot easier to stay in bed and let c completely rob us of everything, but then we remember, hey, look at all the people who have won the battle and are now enjoying life again. I'm 7 months post and I still have days here and there but like you, I come here and I'm reminded, I'm alive and need to act like it. When we stay in bed we hurt those who love us and we are robbing them of our company. We'll never be the same but we can certainly begin to enjoy life with our "new normal" us.
Take care and please continue to live and plan and travel and enjoy your family and friends. It will get better, I promise.
God Bless,
Debbie0 -
survivor31survivor31 said:thanks everyone
it is so comforting knowing that there are people who have been in my shoes and can inspire me when I want to give up and just lay around and let the beast win but by reading everyone's post I think I need to try a bit harder to get up and enjoy life again and I need to accept that my life is not in my hands it is in Gods hands im only 31 and trufully im not ready to die but who is its strange how you hear cancer free but really are not free, this thing will be a part of me for the rest of my life but I hope that one day I will walk on the school campus and be able to be a psychology student again laugh with friends go out to dinner and make plans to travel and see things and places I have not seen with my kids right by my side and not even think about cancer and what it has left behind and when it dose pop up to thump it off my shoulders and smile on how I made it and keep on keeping on thanks everyone thank you for helping me try to find me I know she is somewhere in there I just have to search hard enough : )
I am glad that you found your way here. Happy that you seem to be a little better than when you first posted. I know that I really felt like I couldn't possibly take anymore trauma and rotten things in my life and then I was diagnosed with cancer. I have had a rough life, and I will tell you it never seems to get any easier, but I am still here and still kickin'. I guess there is some truth in what does not kill us makes us stronger.
My last three years have been par for the course in the story that is my life. Sept. 11th of 2007 I came home to find out my ex husband was cheating on me after 15 years of marriage. I left that night with the cloths on my back and had no clue where to go, but I went. I filed for divorce and my parents let me move back to their property, in a house they got for me gram. So I am stuck in one tiny room of her house. Then in January of 2008, my dog of 15 years died. It was horrible. I had to put her down, kidney failure. I started t get back on my feet and was saving for a house, put a deposit on one, and started dating someone. Then in october of 2008, the house fell thru and I found the lump in my neck which turned out to be stage 4 cancer with an unknown primary. I did not say anything to the guy I was seeing. I had it from 10-9-08 and it was getting bigger and bigger, and he was holding the sides of my face to kiss me, and it hurt. So I mentioned it to him, and that I had to have a CT Scan. I wasn't crying or freaking out mind you. Not inn front of him anyway. And that was it. He stopped seeing me as soon as he found out about that.
I had a modified radical neck dissection in Jan of 2009. I have been out of work since then. I started rads 4-6-09. I sought out three opinions to decide what to do since I also have been living with a genetic Blood Disorder, Fanconi Anemia which I was born with. My younger brother had it as well, he had a bone marrow transplant in 1992, but passed away in Jan of 93 just shy of his 21st birthday. Thank God I got a PEG before radiation. I ended up doing well thru treatment, but after lost 40 lbs because the radiation damaged my throat. Made it too narrow for me to swallow. I was down to 88lbs. I lived soley on that peg tube from april to sept-oct. I could not even drink. I have had my esophogus stretched twice. I don't know if I want to try it again. Things got very hairy during the proceedure and they almost lost me. I have to be put on a ventalator, and then have a hard time getting stuff down my throat. Not fun. I was pretty traumatized after the first time. Anyway.... I made it thru basically alone. It was the most painful thing I have endured, radiation. The only thing my step mom did do for me was drive me back and forth to radiation. I was too bad to drive myself. But I fed, washed, and had to do all my meds myself. There were many days that I was so bad with pain and lack of sleep that I had no clue what day it was, and I seriously could not think to figure it out. Like open my cell phone and look at the date. I can remember being so fatigued I could hardly get up to use the restroom or feed myself. It was awful.
But I am still here, and I seem to be making some progress even if it is inch by inch. For a while I was stupid and quit taking my Lexapro. I have been on it even before the cancer, back in 2006. But I am ever so slowly finding me somewhere in here. This group has been a big part of that. I wish you well and hope that you will find some comfort with those of us that truly know how HNC effects your life forever.0 -
WOW! sweetblood you havesweetblood22 said:survivor31
I am glad that you found your way here. Happy that you seem to be a little better than when you first posted. I know that I really felt like I couldn't possibly take anymore trauma and rotten things in my life and then I was diagnosed with cancer. I have had a rough life, and I will tell you it never seems to get any easier, but I am still here and still kickin'. I guess there is some truth in what does not kill us makes us stronger.
My last three years have been par for the course in the story that is my life. Sept. 11th of 2007 I came home to find out my ex husband was cheating on me after 15 years of marriage. I left that night with the cloths on my back and had no clue where to go, but I went. I filed for divorce and my parents let me move back to their property, in a house they got for me gram. So I am stuck in one tiny room of her house. Then in January of 2008, my dog of 15 years died. It was horrible. I had to put her down, kidney failure. I started t get back on my feet and was saving for a house, put a deposit on one, and started dating someone. Then in october of 2008, the house fell thru and I found the lump in my neck which turned out to be stage 4 cancer with an unknown primary. I did not say anything to the guy I was seeing. I had it from 10-9-08 and it was getting bigger and bigger, and he was holding the sides of my face to kiss me, and it hurt. So I mentioned it to him, and that I had to have a CT Scan. I wasn't crying or freaking out mind you. Not inn front of him anyway. And that was it. He stopped seeing me as soon as he found out about that.
I had a modified radical neck dissection in Jan of 2009. I have been out of work since then. I started rads 4-6-09. I sought out three opinions to decide what to do since I also have been living with a genetic Blood Disorder, Fanconi Anemia which I was born with. My younger brother had it as well, he had a bone marrow transplant in 1992, but passed away in Jan of 93 just shy of his 21st birthday. Thank God I got a PEG before radiation. I ended up doing well thru treatment, but after lost 40 lbs because the radiation damaged my throat. Made it too narrow for me to swallow. I was down to 88lbs. I lived soley on that peg tube from april to sept-oct. I could not even drink. I have had my esophogus stretched twice. I don't know if I want to try it again. Things got very hairy during the proceedure and they almost lost me. I have to be put on a ventalator, and then have a hard time getting stuff down my throat. Not fun. I was pretty traumatized after the first time. Anyway.... I made it thru basically alone. It was the most painful thing I have endured, radiation. The only thing my step mom did do for me was drive me back and forth to radiation. I was too bad to drive myself. But I fed, washed, and had to do all my meds myself. There were many days that I was so bad with pain and lack of sleep that I had no clue what day it was, and I seriously could not think to figure it out. Like open my cell phone and look at the date. I can remember being so fatigued I could hardly get up to use the restroom or feed myself. It was awful.
But I am still here, and I seem to be making some progress even if it is inch by inch. For a while I was stupid and quit taking my Lexapro. I have been on it even before the cancer, back in 2006. But I am ever so slowly finding me somewhere in here. This group has been a big part of that. I wish you well and hope that you will find some comfort with those of us that truly know how HNC effects your life forever.
WOW! sweetblood you have been through a lot so have I before cancer I was going through it also it seems when it rains it pours I know what you mean before I found out about the cancer I was diagnose with bipolar disorder and Ocd and maybe that makes the cancer situation a whole lot worser on me on the depressing part of this process two years prior thats when I decided to go to school for phsychology so I can help others like my self I exhaled in that to I was well on my way untill cancer struck and I had to withdraw and for now leaving my dream behind but when I hear stories like yours and the other warriors on here it makes me think, no, its makes me know that I can over come this and I will keep checking here daily so I can contintue to find strength through all of you warriors on here thanks again God bless0 -
EXCELLENTsurvivor31 said:WOW! sweetblood you have
WOW! sweetblood you have been through a lot so have I before cancer I was going through it also it seems when it rains it pours I know what you mean before I found out about the cancer I was diagnose with bipolar disorder and Ocd and maybe that makes the cancer situation a whole lot worser on me on the depressing part of this process two years prior thats when I decided to go to school for phsychology so I can help others like my self I exhaled in that to I was well on my way untill cancer struck and I had to withdraw and for now leaving my dream behind but when I hear stories like yours and the other warriors on here it makes me think, no, its makes me know that I can over come this and I will keep checking here daily so I can contintue to find strength through all of you warriors on here thanks again God bless
Survivor, that is an EXCELLENT attitude and just the one you need to get thru this and you will GET THRU THIS! As you said, there are many, many of us survivors here and still more to come, such as yourself. You have a lot of people praying for you who truly care about you and your battle. Come here anytime you need support or a reminder that you WILL make it!
God Bless,
Debbie0 -
Its Your Time
Survivor,
You have been through HELL and you have made it. Go out TODAY and buy this book "It's your Time" by Joel Osteen. I promise it will help. It has helped me a lot. Take care. Donna0
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