My wife and mood swings

GregStahl · May 2010

OMG.....talked to her on the phone 10 minutes before she got home and she was 9 kinds of happy....walks in the door and its Hagar the horrible. This is the biggest challenge and she hasnt even started surgery or treatment yet....what is next?
Oh BTW....I was told I could keep my happy a$$ on the couch and s*x was not going to happen again. (for her no boobs = not a woman)

Kat11 · May 2010

I can't answer for the boob
I can't answer for the boob problem because I had a lumpectomy. However the mood swings, thats kinda normal. Is she on any meds for this. You might want to talk to the doctor about getting something to relax her a bit. The waiting for all this is so very hard. The not really knowing. The stress she is under is doing this to her. Hang in there, so keep you happy a$$ on the couch for awhile. I am sure this will pass. Just make sure she know you love her.

carkris · May 2010

she is voicing her fear and
she is voicing her fear and anger you need to reassure her she is a woman- your woman anshe is wanted. Its hard this thing makes you up and down. I started lexapro so I would be more even with the chemo pause, dont suggest that or she will probably kill you LOL. I have felt a loss ofeminity withthe bilateral, and hair loss, sometimes I say I look like a boy. and my husband will say something to make me laugh, but underneath it all is a feeling of loss and fear.

dyaneb123 · May 2010

Ok, first, good job in
Ok, first, good job in coming here to talk. Everyone here has been through the same thing your wife is experiencing and we do have some insight....This isn't going to be easy for either of you...now for the talk....
Get a grip hubby. This is about HER not you. Let her feel what she feels. She's scared to death.She's about to be permanently mutilated and then poisoned and radiated...uhh excuse her for not being little miss sunshine....Now you can step up and be the kind of guy she needs...or not....I hope you will take a deep breath and retreat a little...give her some space and let her tell you how she feels without being so judgemental.......sorry if that sounds unsympathetic...but I can't tell you how many marriages havn't survived BC because the hubby just wants life to go on as normal....It's not going to be normal for at least a year....Good luck..
Dee

Skeezie · May 2010

dyaneb123 said:
Ok, first, good job in
Ok, first, good job in coming here to talk. Everyone here has been through the same thing your wife is experiencing and we do have some insight....This isn't going to be easy for either of you...now for the talk....
Get a grip hubby. This is about HER not you. Let her feel what she feels. She's scared to death.She's about to be permanently mutilated and then poisoned and radiated...uhh excuse her for not being little miss sunshine....Now you can step up and be the kind of guy she needs...or not....I hope you will take a deep breath and retreat a little...give her some space and let her tell you how she feels without being so judgemental.......sorry if that sounds unsympathetic...but I can't tell you how many marriages havn't survived BC because the hubby just wants life to go on as normal....It's not going to be normal for at least a year....Good luck..
Dee

Dee you have it the nail right on the head!
Greg, listen to everything Dee just said. But let me add that I took Ativan twice a day from the day I found the lump until at least a month after chemo had finished. One in the day to help me get a grip and stay focused and the other at nite so I could sleep. And guess who else took one at nite to sleep? My husband,Ralph. He was just as worried and terrified as me and that nite time pill helps you to sleep. You mite want to talk to your own doctor about some help, maybe daytime too for a while. While waiting for all of the diagnosis, stging, surgery etc. there was hardly a five minute timek period that I wasn't thinking about it. I'm sure your wife is the same and you probably are too. So you need some help to be able to coop with your own feelings (you sound stressed to the max) so you can be strong and there for your wife, good mood, bad mood, sad mood and every mood inbetween. She is the one getting all the needles, tests, surgeries, chemo, hair loss etc. Men like to fix things but this is something you can't fix. Be there, fix dinner, bring dinner in, don't expect her to operate as normal right now and for a long time. And by the way, just because tretment gets finished, she's not going to be her old self for a while, for her it won't be over yet. Ralph is my rock and I was so scik with chemo that he physically had to care for me and he was wonderful. Still is too.

We all know how caring you are or you wouldnt' be searching out answers and reaching for help. You're a great guy and your wife knows it too, just let her rant, cry, do whatever and be there to pick up the pieces, it will end sometime down the road and then your happy a$$ can come off the couch and be happy again! It will happen!

In the meantime, keep posting.

Hugs, Judy :-)

Cindy Ann · May 2010

My Wife and Mood Swings
Having read your posts in the past Greg. It sounds like your wife has finally starting expressing herself. She is still in the distancing and now flow blown anger phase.I am newly diagnosed and I went through a few phases. Anger being number one.Right now I HATE all doctors. Tomorrow it could be myself and this BC that has invaded my body. I am in the numb( I feel some depression is here now) phase also. I know I have BC and have cried a bucket full of tears, and now I can't cry if I try to. I actually saw a therapist and she said this is all normal. The dam will burst again. It feels weird to be so detached from my BC. My surgery date isn't until 6/11. I think I am so horrified at having my worst fears come true that my pyschi is protecting me by making me numb. My personality before this was different. I am a nurse. Which makes me the caregiver personality. Not knowing your wife and the one question no has asked was what was her personality before this started? Was she a person who tends to dwell on things, get angry easily, or was she like me a caregiver? If she has changed dramatically you need to find a way to get her some help. Also she may need a antianxiety med. Make sure to tell her there is no shame in getting help or taking something to help her get through the day and sleep at night. I take a small dose of Xanax for that. I kinda feel like your getting beat up here. I have watched my husband(remember my caregiver personality)go through Hell with this. Worrying about me, the job, and the finances. This is how I feel. You are in this together. No you aren't physically experiencing the pain. But you know you would take her place in a minute rather then see her go through this. She needs to understand that this hurts you deeply and you would die for her. You are so sorry she has to go through this. The one thing I realized was that my husband was being destroyed by my behavior. He couldn't take it anymore. So now I talk about my feelings on this board,to a therapist, to my daughter, my cousin etc.. He was under a pressure cooker.All I can think of is cancer but in a detached way now. Before it was all I could talk to him about. No life just my cancer. I know he will be there every step of the way. That is what works for me. I had to stop seeing this as happening only to me but also to him. Sorry gals I don't agree with the sit you happy a$$ statements being made here.I have read Greg's other posts.His A$$ is not happy. He is grieving deeply for his wife.He loves her deeply. He is trying very hard to help his wife. She needs to start helping herself by getting professional help. If people do not see this as a disease that effects couples then their marriages/ realtionships are doomed. As a nurse who did quite well in my field I just got taken off my job. I work in a busy Emergency Room. My heart was not in it and my boss saw that. Once my sick leave etc.. runs out my husband will be the main source of income for at a least a 1 year. My boss and I agreed about that. My field is one where life and death decisions are made daily. Busy urban hosp. I came home threw a few pillows around and hated everything. But I also recognized this can't go on. I have pity parties just not with my husband all the time. Cut our men/significant others some slack..Most of us have men who would do anything to make this go away.. Remember Greg your not the enermy here. The BC is. She may just be resentful cause she has this and your healthy.Then feel guilty that she feels that way. She may also feel she is the only person to ever go through this. So how could you ever understand. You can't. But you are trying she needs to know that.. Stay away from the beer... Please talk to someone if it gets to be too much..Remember somewhere deep in there is a woman who loves you more then her breasts. She needs to know you feel the same..

Blessings and hugs,
Cindy Ann

ms.sunshine · May 2010

The only thing I want to say
The only thing I want to say is I'm envious of any womans husband who makes an effort to get help or understand what she is going thru. I have been going thru bc for 8 months and my husband has been the ostrich. I never realized how incredibly selfish and self centered that man is until cancer struck.
The best to you, wife and family.

Cindy Ann · May 2010

ms.sunshine said:
The only thing I want to say
The only thing I want to say is I'm envious of any womans husband who makes an effort to get help or understand what she is going thru. I have been going thru bc for 8 months and my husband has been the ostrich. I never realized how incredibly selfish and self centered that man is until cancer struck.
The best to you, wife and family.

The Only Thing I want To Say
The main thing I need to say to you Ms. Sunshine is God bless you!! You have had to be strong when you should of had a shoulder to lean on. I think that is another reason marriages and relationships end when cancer strikes. We find out the true measure of those around us. Some( I have friends who won't return my calls once they found out I have BC) we thought would stand by us won't come near us, some as husbands we thought would never let us down are now doing just that. You deserve all the praise I can give you. I cannot even imagine going through this without my husband showing me in many ways he is going to be there for me.I am so protective of him and his feelings because of this love he has shown.I wish you the best I can and all the positive energy and strength I can send to you. You are so much stronger then me.I can't even imagine your pain.. Please keep writing and let us be your support..

Blessings and Lots of Hugs,
Cindy Ann

roseann4 · May 2010

ms.sunshine said:
The only thing I want to say
The only thing I want to say is I'm envious of any womans husband who makes an effort to get help or understand what she is going thru. I have been going thru bc for 8 months and my husband has been the ostrich. I never realized how incredibly selfish and self centered that man is until cancer struck.
The best to you, wife and family.

I'm impressed.
Hi Greg,

My husband had a very difficult time knowing how to support me. He picked up a book in my surgeon's office entitled, "The Breast Cancer Husband". That book helped a lot. If you weren't concerned with helping your wife, I doubt if you would have come to this site. Good for you!

I can't speak for your wife, but fear is usually basis of anger. Sometimes I felt positive and hopeful and at other times I was sure I was dying. It was a moment by moment thing and depending on what thoughts were dominating my mind at the time, my husband got happy, angry, sad, etc. It was definately a roller coaster for him.

Try your best to ride out the ups and downs of this really frightening situation. Glad to hear from you. I wish more husbands would post. Cancer is a family disease.

Roseann

Christine Louise · May 2010

About sex right now
I've often heard that a woman's sexual response is mostly in her head, which is why romance and cuddling are so important in helping women get in the mood. When a woman's head is filled with the horror of cancer, there's not much room for feeling sexual. I can testify that the sheer horror of waiting for bc surgery is overwhelming. Everyone's experience is different. Some say they have sex throughout treatment including chemo and all. Many others just have to put it on hold until their minds can relax enough.

I imagine your wife worries that YOU will feel "no boobs = not a woman." When and if it's possible, if you could hold her and be loving in a non-sexual way, making it clear that you're not asking for anything else, she may feel reassured. Things will get better in time if you are loving and non-demanding. Both of you have to be stronger and more patient than you ever thought you would, but you can do it, and you, yourself, can help her feel feminine and loved, just maybe not sexually for a while.

Skeezie · May 2010

Christine Louise said:
About sex right now
I've often heard that a woman's sexual response is mostly in her head, which is why romance and cuddling are so important in helping women get in the mood. When a woman's head is filled with the horror of cancer, there's not much room for feeling sexual. I can testify that the sheer horror of waiting for bc surgery is overwhelming. Everyone's experience is different. Some say they have sex throughout treatment including chemo and all. Many others just have to put it on hold until their minds can relax enough.

I imagine your wife worries that YOU will feel "no boobs = not a woman." When and if it's possible, if you could hold her and be loving in a non-sexual way, making it clear that you're not asking for anything else, she may feel reassured. Things will get better in time if you are loving and non-demanding. Both of you have to be stronger and more patient than you ever thought you would, but you can do it, and you, yourself, can help her feel feminine and loved, just maybe not sexually for a while.

Hi Cindy Ann,
I think you need to reread Gregs first post and then reread mine....I did not, and no one else told him to keep his happy a$$ on the couch. I was quoting what his wife had told him and was being supportive in saying eventually he could bring it off the couch and resume his normal life with her. Just a bit of low key lightness to a very heavy topic. No one here has been anything but supportive. However, it is all about her and with this brand new dx she is going to have mood swings and if she can't have them at home, then where? Your friends are not going to be sounding boards...my husband and I turn to each other. While you can try to lessen the burden for your loved one, it's really impossible because you are not your normal self and it shows. Maybe that's why some friends withdraw a little because they just don't know how do deal with their fear as well as our fears and grief. I hope my friends never know how to because that would mean they have been thru this and I hope that never happens.

I was never angry about this or hated my doctors. Just my take. But I could certainly come unglued over little things. Everyone that I know has reacted differently to their dx. I wanted to get on with it and get it out and over with asap. I do not work so did not have to deal with the workplace. However, I am in charge of our volunteers and fundraisers so was active with all of those duties. I avoided social parties because I didn't feel emotionaly or physically up to it while I was going thru the dx process. I did not feel like a "party", did not want to here people's friends "war stories" about how hard or easy chemo was going to be and did not want a sloppy drunk to start getting all teary on me either. I received cards from people I had not seen in years and it was very heartwarming.

This board is loaded with wonderful people with very good advice and info and I applaud Greg for coming on and searching for answers on how to help his wife. I feel his best bet is to be strong for her, get some anti-anxiety meds for himself to help cope with his fears and feelings and to be a rock for her and he can vent his frustations & fears to us. My husband never faltered and I knew inside he was jello (he lost his mother when he was 11 yr, to breast cancer and his first wife to breast cancer as well) So yes I did try and cool it but I do not have a poker face.

I think the first couple of months til surgery/chemo/rads etc. are the hardest because you are in shock and afraid and all of the other feelings inbetween. I pray for all of the newbies and their spouses, partners etc. to have strength, the peace will come later.

Sorry if I rambled but it was upsetting to be so misquoted.

Hugs, Judy :-)

mwallace1325 · May 2010

Can My Husband Identify
Can my husband identify with what you're going through. BTW he's survived and we're still together, although now that treatment is over, it's the mood swings from the femera. As everyone said, she's expressing her fear and it's one of the greatest fears she (or you)will ever encounter. The waiting in this is the WORST. Once treatment starts you pretty much have an idea of how you're going to do with it and you're doing something. In the beginning, the not knowing and the not doing are enough to make you crazy. Ativan was a godsend, but as someone said, don't suggest it to her, speak with her doctor at one of her appointments.
Right now she's scared, not feeling like a woman any longer, and if she ends up losing her hair she'll not feel attractive then either.
Try to remember, as much as you're taking this ride with her, it's her journey. Be supportive, let her know you love her and you'll always be there for her, listen to her, and finally keep your happy a** on the couch as long as you need to.
Good luck to both of you.

Cindy Ann · May 2010

Skeezie said:
Hi Cindy Ann,
I think you need to reread Gregs first post and then reread mine....I did not, and no one else told him to keep his happy a$$ on the couch. I was quoting what his wife had told him and was being supportive in saying eventually he could bring it off the couch and resume his normal life with her. Just a bit of low key lightness to a very heavy topic. No one here has been anything but supportive. However, it is all about her and with this brand new dx she is going to have mood swings and if she can't have them at home, then where? Your friends are not going to be sounding boards...my husband and I turn to each other. While you can try to lessen the burden for your loved one, it's really impossible because you are not your normal self and it shows. Maybe that's why some friends withdraw a little because they just don't know how do deal with their fear as well as our fears and grief. I hope my friends never know how to because that would mean they have been thru this and I hope that never happens.

I was never angry about this or hated my doctors. Just my take. But I could certainly come unglued over little things. Everyone that I know has reacted differently to their dx. I wanted to get on with it and get it out and over with asap. I do not work so did not have to deal with the workplace. However, I am in charge of our volunteers and fundraisers so was active with all of those duties. I avoided social parties because I didn't feel emotionaly or physically up to it while I was going thru the dx process. I did not feel like a "party", did not want to here people's friends "war stories" about how hard or easy chemo was going to be and did not want a sloppy drunk to start getting all teary on me either. I received cards from people I had not seen in years and it was very heartwarming.

This board is loaded with wonderful people with very good advice and info and I applaud Greg for coming on and searching for answers on how to help his wife. I feel his best bet is to be strong for her, get some anti-anxiety meds for himself to help cope with his fears and feelings and to be a rock for her and he can vent his frustations & fears to us. My husband never faltered and I knew inside he was jello (he lost his mother when he was 11 yr, to breast cancer and his first wife to breast cancer as well) So yes I did try and cool it but I do not have a poker face.

I think the first couple of months til surgery/chemo/rads etc. are the hardest because you are in shock and afraid and all of the other feelings inbetween. I pray for all of the newbies and their spouses, partners etc. to have strength, the peace will come later.

Sorry if I rambled but it was upsetting to be so misquoted.

Hugs, Judy :-)

Hi Judy
I guess I just do not have much of a sense of humor right now. I didn't feel I misquoted you at all. I just didn't find what you said funny.I didn't agree with it. I have read earlier posts on this site where Greg says he is drinking too much beer and has no one to talk to. So I was concerned for him.I also have read yours too and you seem like a good caring person that is why your comment struck me as off. I am a newbie everyone unfortuantely was at one time on this site. I do not know you or your sense of humor forgive me for taking your comments wrong.I am a person who takes things literally. It seems to me this man is trying hard to be a part of his wife's BC( she distances herself read some of his other posts) and it must of been hard for him to share all his feelings. He is not the only one effected his wife needs help with her feelings and needs to realize he is a part of this and it does effect him.I feel this is not just my cancer it's my husbands too.

Sorry if I upset you or made you angry. We are all going to have different opinions and read things differently depending on our mood that day sometimes that moment.Greg probably had a good laugh at what you wrote.. Please no hard feelings... There is no room for that in either of our posts..I will try to get a sense of humor. I used to have one..I think I lost it April 23rd??

Blessings and Hugs,
Cindy Ann

John_32 · May 2010

mwallace1325 said:
Can My Husband Identify
Can my husband identify with what you're going through. BTW he's survived and we're still together, although now that treatment is over, it's the mood swings from the femera. As everyone said, she's expressing her fear and it's one of the greatest fears she (or you)will ever encounter. The waiting in this is the WORST. Once treatment starts you pretty much have an idea of how you're going to do with it and you're doing something. In the beginning, the not knowing and the not doing are enough to make you crazy. Ativan was a godsend, but as someone said, don't suggest it to her, speak with her doctor at one of her appointments.
Right now she's scared, not feeling like a woman any longer, and if she ends up losing her hair she'll not feel attractive then either.
Try to remember, as much as you're taking this ride with her, it's her journey. Be supportive, let her know you love her and you'll always be there for her, listen to her, and finally keep your happy a** on the couch as long as you need to.
Good luck to both of you.

Take her out on a date
I can certainly identify with the stress that this diagnosis brings to a marriage. In our case, it was even more stressful because my wife--and she had only been my wife for a few days--found the lump on her breast while on our honeymoon in the fall of 2008, just before the stock market began plummeting. We returned from the honeymoon only to find that the company I worked at had laid off all of its employees, and a couple weeks later my wife became unemployed as well. Since she was Canadian and I was American, this greatly complicated things, as I could no longer sponsor her to immigrate to the U.S. since I did not meet the requisite criteria of having a job (or, as a result, health insurance either). Meanwhile, while all of this was going on, we were making doctor's appointments for my wife for what was ultimately diagnosed as triple negative breast cancer. Of course, cancer is stressful enough, but the fact that we were now unemployed--at one of the worst times in human history to be unemployed--and legally prevented from living in the same country only made it that much more stressful. But we tried to make the best of it, and the one positive result of the unemployment was that I could go up to Canada and be with my wife for all of her doctor's appointments, her surgeries, and all her radiation treatments. There were times when she would scream at me or kick me out of the apartment, but I always attributed this to all of the stress in our lives, and particularly the stress that she was dealing with as a cancer patient. I think the husband is often overlooked in these situations, and I think that sometimes my wife's family or friends even thought that I was what was creating stress in my wife's life, and not her cancer, when in fact I was only ever trying to be supportive. And of course it is the woman in this situation that everyone should naturally be concerned about, but the husband can also be under tremendous stress as well--for me, it was the thought of losing my wife who I had only just married and who I thought I would have a future with, as well as the pressure of not having a job to provide for her during this time, and the conflict I felt about being in the U.S. so I could look for work to pay our bills or being in Canada to be by my wife's side as she went through all of this. But for the most part we pulled through. The best thing you can do is give her space when she needs her space, try not to take her expressions of anger or resentment personally and bear in mind you can't possibly know what she must be feeling, always be her advocate in the doctor's office and ask questions maybe she couldn't think of, and try to remain positive. And, because my wife's cancer has now spread to her brain, and I have watched a doctor look very pitifully at her and say, "I'm not going to tell you that you only have six months, but...", I would also advise you to encourage your wife to quickly and aggressively undergo every godawful treatment they have invented for this disease, or you may lose her. You may still lose her even after that--there is no cure for cancer--but you will at least not feel sick with regret that she might have made different decisions about her treatments options. Good luck.

greyhoundluvr · May 2010

Greg
A lot of different feedback and I think some valid points are made that the family supporters are often overlooked. I know how stressful this has been for my family and while I acknowledge that completely, it adds to the complexity of emotions and gives me some feelings of guilt. There is so much going through her mind right now and there is so much uncertainty because she hasn't been able to actually get moved down the road, see what the surgery and treatment are going to be like, and start getting through this and adapting. To me, the waiting was always the worst - waiting for the surgery, waiting for test results, wiating to see how I would do with chemo. I hope that this gets easier for both of you because I know that she needs you and you want to be there despite the frustating times. And there is never anything wrong with looking for additional help. I don't take any meds during the day like some of the ladies but I do take a sleeping pill at night which helps me avoid the times when I tend to overthink - getting a good night's sleep gives me a head start on getting through whatever the day might bring. Look at options and do what is best for you both. Good luck!

My wife and mood swings

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