Be out of it for a while

AKAngel
AKAngel Member Posts: 74 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Been having real bad panic attacks and my mom was talking about euthanasia on Friday. Can't really cope too much anymore but I am sorry to say I don't think I have to for much longer. Her ideas about aid-in-dying were primarily due to Lunesta, which was helping her sleep for a few days but after about day 4 worked less and less. Friday she accidently took two and then started talking about getting a doctor to give her a shot to kill her. It was pretty damn awful. She isn't on Lunesta anymore and she just taking her pain, valium, nausea stuff now. This morning as she sat in the sun, I noticed she's started showing signs of jaundice so I imagine she maybe has a month at best. Went to the doctor for myself today, and he gave me some anti-anxiety med to take, so will see if that helps. Am at wit's end and feel like I can't help anybody...so that's why I haven't been on the boards talking or trying to give any help or advice or even words of comfort. I think my mom's going to not go back on hospice, which is gonna be real hard when my dad and I wake up one day and she doesn't. She still wants to maintain control of everything, but can't seem to focus long enough, and she's got maybe 30 minutes of energy max before she poops out again and is back in bed. I HATE THIS F***ing disease.

Comments

  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #2
    She Did It Her Way
    Hey Angel,
    I have been wondering where you have been! I miss you. Have mom listen to the song "My Way". We played this at my dad's memorial. It is sung by various artists. Originally Frank Sinatra. You are into music, so I am sure you are familiar with it. The words say it all. My dad asked for the lethal dose too. It is against the law now. But...someone told me that the only people that can administer it is hospice. She will not need it soon, her time has come. She knows it, just like my dad did. You and your dad need to give her that blessing. Let her be a peace. Respect her wishes. If she is fortunate enough to pass in her sleep, God bless her! Thinking of you all at this hard time in the journey. Do not stay away for too long....we will come and hunt you down. Peace.
    Tina
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    Facing the End
    Facing the end is difficult. It is very nard to watch our loved ones fade away. Hospice helps the family as much as the patient. Even if your mom doesn't want them you might want to ask them about services for you and your dad. Just tell your mom that you love her. Try to keep her as comfortable as possible. Take care of yourself. I'm glad you have been in touch with your dr. Don't worry about coming here unless you need to do so. We'll be thinking of you and wishing you peace. Fay
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #4
    THE END
    God bless you angel. I am so sorry you are going through this, but I really do know it is normal at the end. Dale told hospice if it wasnt for his love for me he would take his car out and wrap it around a tree.They just get to a point where they want the pain and suffering to stop. As bad as I hurt from the loss of him I truly believe that he knew his limit and had come to it. Try to remember the words quality versus quanity. It wont help at first when you lose her, but later it will put it in perspective.

    Panks
  • AKAngel
    AKAngel Member Posts: 74 Member
    #5
    panks said:

    THE END
    God bless you angel. I am so sorry you are going through this, but I really do know it is normal at the end. Dale told hospice if it wasnt for his love for me he would take his car out and wrap it around a tree.They just get to a point where they want the pain and suffering to stop. As bad as I hurt from the loss of him I truly believe that he knew his limit and had come to it. Try to remember the words quality versus quanity. It wont help at first when you lose her, but later it will put it in perspective.

    Panks

    Thanks to all...
    In the past couple of days her confusion can no longer be naively called just that. She has dementia, pretty strongly now. But I don't know what to do...I can't think on what's the right thing to do. I think my dad's waiting for me to tell him. On one hand, if she goes into inpatient hospice she'll really be confused and probably scared. On the other, my dad and I are rapidly losing hope and our decision-making abilities because we don't want to do the wrong thing. We got her cremation paperwork done, but there's sections she's supposed to sign and initial but she's barely cognitive enough to eat, let alone sign her name. What are we supposed to do?? I keep telling people that she's not ready to go yet, but I think I'm just in denial more and more. Today she asked me where her mom was, and I had to explain that she's been dead for over ten years and where she was buried. Then she remembered, then forgot and asked me why no one told her.... Later she asked me if I was her friend, I told her 'I'm more than your friend, I'm your daughter.' "But are you my friend?" 'Yes, I am your friend, but your daughter too. Don't you remember when I was born?' Head shake no. 'Remember when they had to cut me from your belly?' Head shake no. I'm surprised I didn't just start crying right there, but I didn't, just told her to lay down and get some rest. I'm at the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep myself, because I won't be there in case she passes away in her sleep. Fear...despair,I just wish someone could tell me and my dad, "Do this" and then we would.My friends....what do I do? Please help.
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #6
    AKAngel said:

    Thanks to all...
    In the past couple of days her confusion can no longer be naively called just that. She has dementia, pretty strongly now. But I don't know what to do...I can't think on what's the right thing to do. I think my dad's waiting for me to tell him. On one hand, if she goes into inpatient hospice she'll really be confused and probably scared. On the other, my dad and I are rapidly losing hope and our decision-making abilities because we don't want to do the wrong thing. We got her cremation paperwork done, but there's sections she's supposed to sign and initial but she's barely cognitive enough to eat, let alone sign her name. What are we supposed to do?? I keep telling people that she's not ready to go yet, but I think I'm just in denial more and more. Today she asked me where her mom was, and I had to explain that she's been dead for over ten years and where she was buried. Then she remembered, then forgot and asked me why no one told her.... Later she asked me if I was her friend, I told her 'I'm more than your friend, I'm your daughter.' "But are you my friend?" 'Yes, I am your friend, but your daughter too. Don't you remember when I was born?' Head shake no. 'Remember when they had to cut me from your belly?' Head shake no. I'm surprised I didn't just start crying right there, but I didn't, just told her to lay down and get some rest. I'm at the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep myself, because I won't be there in case she passes away in her sleep. Fear...despair,I just wish someone could tell me and my dad, "Do this" and then we would.My friends....what do I do? Please help.

    My heart is breaking
    Oh Angel my dear friend,
    Wish I could be there to help you and dad. Poor mom! She knows not what she does. I really think her time is close. My dad started talking this way near his end. I would sleep either with her or near her for now. This way if she does pass you will be with her. Call hospice and ask them how they would handle this. I know mom does not want them to come, but I am sure they can counsel you over the phone. Continue to get her things in order. Funeral arrangements, bank accounts, credit cards, loans, life insurance, etc. Ask the funeral home what to do about getting her signature on the cremation papers. My dad was cremated, he or we did not have to sign any papers beforehand. God bless you and keep you at this most difficult time. Love and peace to all of you. Keep in touch.
    Tina
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #7
    AKAngel said:

    Thanks to all...
    In the past couple of days her confusion can no longer be naively called just that. She has dementia, pretty strongly now. But I don't know what to do...I can't think on what's the right thing to do. I think my dad's waiting for me to tell him. On one hand, if she goes into inpatient hospice she'll really be confused and probably scared. On the other, my dad and I are rapidly losing hope and our decision-making abilities because we don't want to do the wrong thing. We got her cremation paperwork done, but there's sections she's supposed to sign and initial but she's barely cognitive enough to eat, let alone sign her name. What are we supposed to do?? I keep telling people that she's not ready to go yet, but I think I'm just in denial more and more. Today she asked me where her mom was, and I had to explain that she's been dead for over ten years and where she was buried. Then she remembered, then forgot and asked me why no one told her.... Later she asked me if I was her friend, I told her 'I'm more than your friend, I'm your daughter.' "But are you my friend?" 'Yes, I am your friend, but your daughter too. Don't you remember when I was born?' Head shake no. 'Remember when they had to cut me from your belly?' Head shake no. I'm surprised I didn't just start crying right there, but I didn't, just told her to lay down and get some rest. I'm at the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep myself, because I won't be there in case she passes away in her sleep. Fear...despair,I just wish someone could tell me and my dad, "Do this" and then we would.My friends....what do I do? Please help.

    bring back hospice
    Your mother terminated hospice, right? Well, she wasn't thinking straight then and she sure isn't now, so get yourself some help. Do you or your father have health care proxy? If so you can sign the papers in her place.

    I would think that because of her confusion, it would be best to keep her at home if you possibly can, but not without appropriate help.

    Conversations with my mother are getting more difficult, and she's losing recall of several decades. It doesn't matter. Our only job is to support them to the end.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #8
    AKAngel said:

    Thanks to all...
    In the past couple of days her confusion can no longer be naively called just that. She has dementia, pretty strongly now. But I don't know what to do...I can't think on what's the right thing to do. I think my dad's waiting for me to tell him. On one hand, if she goes into inpatient hospice she'll really be confused and probably scared. On the other, my dad and I are rapidly losing hope and our decision-making abilities because we don't want to do the wrong thing. We got her cremation paperwork done, but there's sections she's supposed to sign and initial but she's barely cognitive enough to eat, let alone sign her name. What are we supposed to do?? I keep telling people that she's not ready to go yet, but I think I'm just in denial more and more. Today she asked me where her mom was, and I had to explain that she's been dead for over ten years and where she was buried. Then she remembered, then forgot and asked me why no one told her.... Later she asked me if I was her friend, I told her 'I'm more than your friend, I'm your daughter.' "But are you my friend?" 'Yes, I am your friend, but your daughter too. Don't you remember when I was born?' Head shake no. 'Remember when they had to cut me from your belly?' Head shake no. I'm surprised I didn't just start crying right there, but I didn't, just told her to lay down and get some rest. I'm at the point where I'm afraid to go to sleep myself, because I won't be there in case she passes away in her sleep. Fear...despair,I just wish someone could tell me and my dad, "Do this" and then we would.My friends....what do I do? Please help.

    Hospice
    I agree. Call hospice. They have experience with this and can help you. Your mother is obviously confused and hospice can help all of you. This is very difficult and you do need help. Make the call, and ask for whatever you can get. Fay
  • AKAngel
    AKAngel Member Posts: 74 Member
    #9
    grandmafay said:

    Hospice
    I agree. Call hospice. They have experience with this and can help you. Your mother is obviously confused and hospice can help all of you. This is very difficult and you do need help. Make the call, and ask for whatever you can get. Fay

    Thank you all again!
    I discussed things with my dad and we came to the conclusion that she will fight the hospice thing all the way, and that certainly doesn't fall into the line of 'making her comfortable'. This is very unfortunate, because with her dementia, she's not really eating and is dehydrated and still goes through bouts of distrusting my dad and I. I can't even begin to tell you how much worse it would be for a stranger..even with the technical and practical know-how to deal with her. I've read everything I can online to help us deal with trying to get her to eat, drink, etc but she's a hard one to control, as ever. I don't really sleep much more than three hours here and there and I struggle everyday with not getting angry at her. I know deep inside this isn't her fault, but am only human and can't always be clinical about this hell. She is trying to tie up the 'loose ends' in her life, by calling and talking with people that have otherwise not been a part of her life in some time...which tells me that she's still thinking enough to try to clear her mind of whatever burdens it has left to work through. It's sad though, because she's begging everyone to come and see her, even offering to pay for their tickets to come see her. We don't have the money for that, and then I'm left to explain to these family members (especially the ones worse off than we financially) that there's no way we can pay for tickets to get them here.
    But my dad and I finally did get her to admit that we can't leave her alone anymore, either my dad or I have to be here in the house with her at all times, and especially if she wants to go outside. It's awful for my dad, because he can't drive and get away for an hour by himself, which means he's being cut off from having any free time to himself (he loves to go bet at the casino on horses) because the round trip time would take an hour or so, leaving my mom at home alone..because she can't be up in the car long enough for that car ride. Going out she maxes-out by 30 minutes, again due to malnutrition and everything. It's sad to say that both my dad and I just wish this was over, as much as we try to make her live every day. How confusing........

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