Husband paying the price at work for my Breast Ca!!

Cindy Ann
Cindy Ann Member Posts: 101
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
You gals and guys are not going to believe this one. I am the one with breast cancer. I am the one off work.Can't be a good nurse with a cloudy mind. Now I know I will need my husband for things like surgery, certain appts etc.. But did not think if he let word leak out he would be questioned about his ability to do his job. He has only been with the Fed Gov't for 30 years and served 4 years in the military before that. So lets say he's been governed by them for all his life. He has been a upper level manager for 20 years. Rising up the ranks through hard work and dedication to "the company" as he calls it.He is responsible for 200+ people in his division. Yesterday this ignorant@#$%^ comes into his office and calls his abilities into play. He has not stopped working since my diagnosis and is actually even more productive. It keeps his mind off me. He told me at that moment he questioned all his years given to the"company." All the time away from home and me. All of it. He said the way it was framed was a veiled threat to his career. He said he responded with I have achieved all I can for the "company" and given 110% my whole career.I am proud of my accomplishments and when I decide to leave here will continue to be. My poor wife gets breast cancer and you are like sharks circling me for my job. They can't fire him But they can make it so hard on him that he steps down and takes a easier job. My ca could weaken his resolve. He will hate it. No appreciation to all the dedication to the "company."They took the wind out of his sails. I see him this morning forgetting his blackberry, his badges, his lunch. So I ran after him with them. He looked so sad and said "I just want to retire to be with you." He is not eliglble for 2 years. My frickin cancer sucks!!!!! I am so PO'd how dare they use me to hurt him. My man loves his job and is the best they will ever find at it. It just goes to show that this disease brings out the worst and the best. Unfortunately for my poor man he has the worst.No wonder the stupid comments he has made to me etc.. I did not know it would hit him at work. Thank God he is a strong man and can do this. I have eased up on the ca talk for the past week. I have seen a change in him. I do thank that ignorant director(dictator) for making him see it's not the job(yes he needs it to support us but I don't need a big house etc.. just him) but it's me and him that are important. He left very early yesterday. Very rare. He slept terribly. He is a man with a lot on his mind.. Now I find myself more worried about him then me. Any one been there??

On a sweet note.Saw a beautiful thing yesterday 2 perfect doves just perched on my deck looking right at me. I take that as a sign. A good sign.. I had 2 doves on top of my wedding cake. many years ago..
Blessings and love,
Cindy Ann

Comments

  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
    #2
    I am sorry
    It is so sad that you have such an amazing husband and the COMPANY as you call them, are blind the amazing things he truly does. Men are head jumpers as I call them and YES there are women like this too. They care little about others and will do anything to further themselves in this world. I do live by one code and Karma does matter. What goes around comes around and one day they too will know what this is all about. It isn't a wish it is just knowing that our comings around are often very painful because we were too foolish to see.
    I hope that your husband's faith is renewed and he knows that his efforts all those years truly do matter.
    What kind of world do we live in where most learn nothing...
    Tara
  • bjmom1
    bjmom1 Member Posts: 152
    #3
    Husband had similar problem
    Hi Cindy Ann, My husband experience the same thing. When his job found out that I had BC they ask him will he be able to continue working or do he need to be temporarily layoff. He told them my wife is important I will only take off when she goes to treatment. But if you asking me to make a choice he told them job come and go.But you can't never replace a person you love. I guess his comment work they did not give him a layoff and they were little more understanding. God Bless you and Husband .

    Barbara
  • MyTurnNow
    MyTurnNow Member Posts: 2,686 Member
    #4
    CindyAnn, this is just not
    CindyAnn, this is just not right but doesn't surprise me. I'm very thankful for you and your husband that you are strong individuals and have the dedication and love for each other that you will get through this. Hopefully, the "company" will take their blinders off and see that your husband's productivity is as good or better than ever. The BEST news of your post is that your husband has just 2 more years until retirement. As we all know, the years fly by and you'll be sitting together arm-in-arm on a beach, or whatever is your dream, enjoying life. Hang in there!!
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #5
    Was this guy a superior?
    If not, fork him! And possibly report him as harassment...

    If so, well, politely, and with great respect, do the same!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • Cindy Ann
    Cindy Ann Member Posts: 101
    #6
    KathiM said:

    Was this guy a superior?
    If not, fork him! And possibly report him as harassment...

    If so, well, politely, and with great respect, do the same!!!

    Hugs, Kathi

    Yes!
    Superior only in title not in any other way. He is a person who has been intimidated with my husband's knowledge and skills for years. It was like he and a few others where just waiting for a chink to move in.This is a shark just circling wanting to put a yes man in my husband job. My husband is a team player but no ones yes man. People like my husband make others uncomfortable. I think this is what we are seeing. My husband will not be pushed out and will not run from a fair fight. He is a person who is not afraid to stand up to anyone especially if he knows he is right.I now realize how much this is not just about me. Also how much drama(hate drama) comes with this diagnosis. I will have to fight this maybe a little harder on my own(but I have you my new dear hearts to let me vent to that helps greatly)but it is worth it to see him do what he needs to do for himself and also for me. I just can't believe how some people are. I agree Fork them!!!!!! And Fork this cancer too!!!!!!Karma's a B....

    Hugs and Blessings,
    Cindy Ann
  • greyhoundluvr
    greyhoundluvr Member Posts: 402
    #7
    It is so hard
    to watch the toll that this disease can take on our loved ones. My husband and I both work for the same very large company. My boss has been absolutely great - she has let me work at home and told me since they are closing my office next year, I can work at home permanently. She is not making me use my vacation time for my treatments - she just told me to put in my hours when I feel like doing it. She has been a real blessing in helping me get through this. In my husband's job, 60+ hours per week is normal and expected. During my diagnosis and surgery, his boss called into question that he was not getting things done quickly enough when their work volume was extremely high. My husband told him he had more important things to worry about at home - thankfully, they didn't push the issue and things are now back to "normal" but it was so hard knowing that I was adding to an already stressful job. I hope that the people at your husband's job will find their humanity and give him the respect he deserves.

    Chris
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #8
    greyhoundluvr said:

    It is so hard
    to watch the toll that this disease can take on our loved ones. My husband and I both work for the same very large company. My boss has been absolutely great - she has let me work at home and told me since they are closing my office next year, I can work at home permanently. She is not making me use my vacation time for my treatments - she just told me to put in my hours when I feel like doing it. She has been a real blessing in helping me get through this. In my husband's job, 60+ hours per week is normal and expected. During my diagnosis and surgery, his boss called into question that he was not getting things done quickly enough when their work volume was extremely high. My husband told him he had more important things to worry about at home - thankfully, they didn't push the issue and things are now back to "normal" but it was so hard knowing that I was adding to an already stressful job. I hope that the people at your husband's job will find their humanity and give him the respect he deserves.

    Chris

    Your husband needs to report him to HR.
    Your husband needs to report him to HR. ADA covers this type of discrimination and FMLA should cover any time he needs to take off.
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    #9
    Husband and job
    Cindy Ann,

    Although my husband didn't have problems at work to the severity that your husband did, his co-workers and bosses made it rough for him. I work days and my husband works nights. He took me every day to my radiation appointments and didn't miss a day of work (even though he was always short on sleep). He used his PTO to take me to all of my different appointments and always gave them plenty of notice when he would need to take off. They have been treating him like crap since I was diagnosed and he doesn't want to even go there anymore. I cried when I read about your husband forgetting his blackberry, his badges and his lunch and looking sad. It reminded me of my husband - he just wants to spend time with me and our work schedules don't even allow that. He has an interview tomorrow for another position at the company (day shift) so we'll see how things go.

    I would say the two doves are a good sign for you. Take care and let your husband know that he is not alone - there are MANY stupid co-workers and bosses out there for everyone no matter where you work.
  • Cindy Ann
    Cindy Ann Member Posts: 101
    #10
    Wolfi said:

    Husband and job
    Cindy Ann,

    Although my husband didn't have problems at work to the severity that your husband did, his co-workers and bosses made it rough for him. I work days and my husband works nights. He took me every day to my radiation appointments and didn't miss a day of work (even though he was always short on sleep). He used his PTO to take me to all of my different appointments and always gave them plenty of notice when he would need to take off. They have been treating him like crap since I was diagnosed and he doesn't want to even go there anymore. I cried when I read about your husband forgetting his blackberry, his badges and his lunch and looking sad. It reminded me of my husband - he just wants to spend time with me and our work schedules don't even allow that. He has an interview tomorrow for another position at the company (day shift) so we'll see how things go.

    I would say the two doves are a good sign for you. Take care and let your husband know that he is not alone - there are MANY stupid co-workers and bosses out there for everyone no matter where you work.

    Wolfi
    I feel bad for you and your husband. Your situation is just as bad as mine. Who am I to judge how your husband feels and compare it to my husband. It just stinks peroid.. My husband has never used sick leave. Yestrday he felt sick with a cold normally he would of went in anyway. But he called in sick and I could see it didn't even bother him. Would of in the past.He has given up and just wants out now.He has only missed 1 day so far. But is planning on taking time off for my surgery and then more time if he needs to. He is losing more weight, looking so tired, and I am so worried for him. Men just do not talk about their feelings like women do. All he said is if they do not accomadate him for my cancer and all it involves he will take FMLA. They can't do a thing about that. He really doesn't need that much time off. My daughter is planning on taking me for radiation. He will for appts and surgery. They act like he has cancer now. It is sad how bad people can be and how they really lack compassion for others. I pray your husband gets the new job he wants and feels better about his job. Hopefully the new people he will be around on day shift will be different.My husband and I wish everyone could understand that the greatest gift you can give anyone is time to be with their loved one during a crisis and compassion enough to understand they can still do their job even if family comes first.. As family always should..


    Cindy Ann
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    #11
    Not all boss's are nasty!
    Hubby's boss talked to him after they found out that I had BC but they were very supportive. Actually, he hadn't worked for the company when I was DX'd so no one knew til he went in and told them that he needed Oct. 21, 09 off because I was having surgery. He was asked if 1 day was enough and was there anything they could do to help. My/Our choices were that I'd take myself to whereever I needed to go (unless I couldn't) - so the only day he missed work was the day of surgery - Son who was off the next day picked me up and brought me home and picked up meds.
  • Cindy Ann
    Cindy Ann Member Posts: 101
    #12
    Rague said:

    Not all boss's are nasty!
    Hubby's boss talked to him after they found out that I had BC but they were very supportive. Actually, he hadn't worked for the company when I was DX'd so no one knew til he went in and told them that he needed Oct. 21, 09 off because I was having surgery. He was asked if 1 day was enough and was there anything they could do to help. My/Our choices were that I'd take myself to whereever I needed to go (unless I couldn't) - so the only day he missed work was the day of surgery - Son who was off the next day picked me up and brought me home and picked up meds.

    Not all bosses are nasty????
    Your husband was not working for his company per what you said when you were diagnosed with BC. There is a difference when the person has been working for years with the company and they have given the company a certain expectation of their work and ther reliablity. This is the case with my husband. He is responsible for many employees and the expectation is he is going to be there everyday and on his blackberry when he isn't there. He is on call 24 hrs a day. My husband and I are 100% in this together. He will do what he needs to do for me to make sure I get through this.I will do the same for him. We have made long range plans and he and I agree to be together as much as we can in this journey. He has given his"company" 30+ years of his life. It is time for them to give some back for us..Including compassion for what he is going through. Time is precious and this is a journey we will take together. Your choices are your own to take yourself to your treatments whenever you can. I respect that.My daughter will take me. Because she cannot let me do it by myself.That helps my husband at his job. That is how I raised her to be. I know in my heart my husband would rather be with me at the hospital but will go to work and try to give 100% on his job which is what he needs to do. So while I agree not all bosses are nasty, it does depend on where you work, your job title, and how long you've been there. There are certain expectations that your company expects of you.You are blessed your husband appears to not be in that position and his boss understands.. You are so truly fortunate..I am pretty sure your husband doesn't work were mine does.. Because my husband's co-workers( high level management) have also been put into the same position. One even walked off the job after 30 years of work. It's given us a great life but it also has cost us the price of time. Which we need now.. I am not ragging on you or putting down about your post. Just telling it like it is..As you did to me..
  • GregStahl
    GregStahl Member Posts: 188
    #13
    Cindy Ann said:

    Not all bosses are nasty????
    Your husband was not working for his company per what you said when you were diagnosed with BC. There is a difference when the person has been working for years with the company and they have given the company a certain expectation of their work and ther reliablity. This is the case with my husband. He is responsible for many employees and the expectation is he is going to be there everyday and on his blackberry when he isn't there. He is on call 24 hrs a day. My husband and I are 100% in this together. He will do what he needs to do for me to make sure I get through this.I will do the same for him. We have made long range plans and he and I agree to be together as much as we can in this journey. He has given his"company" 30+ years of his life. It is time for them to give some back for us..Including compassion for what he is going through. Time is precious and this is a journey we will take together. Your choices are your own to take yourself to your treatments whenever you can. I respect that.My daughter will take me. Because she cannot let me do it by myself.That helps my husband at his job. That is how I raised her to be. I know in my heart my husband would rather be with me at the hospital but will go to work and try to give 100% on his job which is what he needs to do. So while I agree not all bosses are nasty, it does depend on where you work, your job title, and how long you've been there. There are certain expectations that your company expects of you.You are blessed your husband appears to not be in that position and his boss understands.. You are so truly fortunate..I am pretty sure your husband doesn't work were mine does.. Because my husband's co-workers( high level management) have also been put into the same position. One even walked off the job after 30 years of work. It's given us a great life but it also has cost us the price of time. Which we need now.. I am not ragging on you or putting down about your post. Just telling it like it is..As you did to me..

    Cindy
    Not sure what to say here. It is an employers market and any small amount of "blood in the water", bosses are going after it.
    I have not said anything to my manager about my wifes IDC and dont plan to, they know enough. I am fortunate enough to have 25 weeks of vacation so I can sneak this this thru under the radar.
    Regardless, cancer takes a toll on everyone....tell him to keep doing what he is doing, go to HR, and do what all of us men/husbands know we need to do for our partners in life.

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