The Role of Loneliness in Our Cancer Battle and With Our Spouses

Cancer can be such a lonely, isolating disease. Many of us in our lives have seen friendships and relationships dissolve as a result. Nothing really changed in your relationships, other than the fact that you became ill. It is how others dealt with it, or more importantly, did not deal with it, that is the crux of the matter.

The people in our lives, unable to comprehend the consequences of our affliction, begin to seek higher ground and to distance themselves from you. All of a sudden, what you thought were solid relationships, withered and died on the vine.

They didn’t want to bother you they said, but the truth of the matter is, they simply could not deal with it, so they dialed out of your life. You could not make it go away in their timeframe, so everyone just moved on without you. “We wish you luck” or “Keep us posted” become the buzz phrases of the day. They forgot where you lived and couldn’t remember your phone number. Hmmm…

What I really feel and think, is that these are very convenient and easy to use Exit Lines, that those people can use, to get them to the door – and out from under this new placed, heavy burden they did not ask for or wanted - and it gets them very quickly back to their lives.

What’s that old saying? “Out of sight – out of mind…” Oh yeah, that’s the one.

It’s been said that Tragedy will tell you a lot about the people in your lives and the relationships upon which your life’s foundation have been constructed upon. What’s left in the wake of all of this, after they have checked out on you, are the feelings of Loneliness and Being Alone, at a time when you need support and friendship.

What you feel is “abandonment” at a critical juncture in your life, where you thought you would be blessed with resources. Sadly though, you can find yourself on empty and begin to take stock of who you do have in your life – and who will walk with you through this stage of your life.

Now, we all know that friends, acquaintances, and sometimes family members Come and Go.

But, what about our significant others? How important is the role that they play for you so important? What if they check out on you too?

As most of you know, I’ve always tried to use my experience with Cancer for the benefit of my fellow man. I came to the board seeking “Open and Honest” communication between each other – to get to the heart and truth of the matter, or at least the way that each one of us sees that.

You’ve heard me say many times what I have spent my life searching for – the Truth – the Whole Truth – and Nothing But the Truth. Cut through the rhetoric – now just tell me honestly…no judgments – just seeking and gauging others lives to see how well it does or does not match up to mine.

It’s nothing short of the “age old questions about Life and Relationships.” That’s where the good stuff is – it’s getting people to open up and tell you that is the hard part.

Honestly, how are we ever really going to learn from one another, if we don’t tell the truth?

Cancer “stripped me naked” and laid me bare physically and emotionally, so with all of that exposed, I no longer have anything to hide, nor do I walk in shame about too much that has happened to me. I suppose it’s because it broke down all of the pretenses that I thought I knew and held so dear.

In relationships, I’ve often found many falsehoods – for whatever reason, people have a hard time talking about when their relationships have gone bad, or are not doing very well.

It seems that it must be akin to “admitting failure”, or makes one feel like they are less of a person as a result. Yet, the divorce rate is at its all-time highest, so a goodly majority of the population is really not telling the entire story, are they?

That’s a shame, because we have so much that we can learn from one another – seems it is easier to hide it, or just pretend that everything is alright, so that no one will think there is anything wrong. But, who knows what really goes on “behind closed doors.”

A “Relationship” is one of the hardest things in the world to hold onto and maintain – it takes time and patience, commitment and communication to make it all work the way it’s supposed to. It’s hard enough anyways, but throw in a Cancer Dx and it can change the dynamics in more ways than one.

Hopefully when “bad weather” sets in, as it always does at various stages of our lives, the cornerstones of our most important relationships will hold fast, until the “Winds of Change” have passed.

These are critical junctures as the Storms of Life can either “strengthen or weaken” each other, based on many individual factors, some of which are very unique to each couple involved.

I’ve read so many stories recently about love and connection with each other’s spouses that it got me to start examining my own and coming to grips with what has happened to us over the course of the last 6-years of our battle.

Like many of you, we both started out strong – I was determined to whip Cancer and not let it be the epitaph of my life. Kim stayed by me and took the licks right along with me and she stayed by my side. I’ve offered on numerous occasions to “let her out” of all this and go get herself the man that she deserves, without all of my luggage.

To her credit, she had steadfastly remained. I know I’ve let her down in so many ways – too many to count. Putting her through all of this Cancer mess has made me wish many times that she had not married me, and that she would have found a man with no cancer, who would have brought her the security and a better life, that any woman wants in her life.

Cancer takes such a toll on our spouses as the days turn into weeks – the weeks turn into months – the months turn in to years – string 10 years together, you know what you get? A DECADE of your life wiped out.

Since the tornado in 2000 and through the Cancer Wars into 2010, we both have been physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted with this fight. We’re not the same people anymore – but honestly, WHO would be?

We’re both “TIRED.” Not giving up, but just dead to the world - tired.

We’ve experienced Recurrence and many setbacks over these years, along with many treatments and surgeries. They all just add up over time to suck the very life force out of you. I know I hear many of you talking a similar story and you’re 1 to 2 years into the battle and want it to end so much.

Well, we do TOO!

“When will it end?” is the battle cry of our community. There’s even been whole posts opened for this subject.

I find that for us, the RIFTS always begin when surgery is looming on the horizon – for whatever reason, this stirs up the demons – or maybe it is just our subconscious feelings that begin to awaken as we acknowledge the pitfalls of what lies ahead with surgeries and recovery.

Naivety and Hope gets you up on the gurney the FIRST TIME – that sense of I’ll just do this and all will be alright and get back to “normal.” We all know that one, don’t we? We must, I hear you talking about it everyday up here.

But, as we’ve come to learn, as the surgeries and treatments mount over the years, we are all not so naïve anymore – we know what we are up against – we know how long the recoveries are going to be – we know what the risks are - and we know we left behind just a little bit more of ourselves behind than we did the last time.

Kim and I are an “Army of Two.” We’re only as strong as we can be for each other, on any given day of the week – any given hour of the day. It changes from moment to moment.

We know that the “Calvary is not coming over the hill.” That’s a tough road to hoe, but that’s the cards we’ve been dealt, so we continue to go it alone and hope we get a life somewhere down the road, before the Roll is Called Up Yonder.

Long ago, I became used to the idea of not having friends and family “really” support us. Oh, they want us to keep “them posted.” That way they can gossip about you, and stay emotionally detached, while not having to leave their houses and their lives to help you “One Iota.”

Best I can remember, the “roads run both ways.” But, it’s always us having to go the distance, nobody seems to want to make the effort to stop over or even call or email. But keep us posted, LOL:)

I suppose it’s normal – just human nature – or is it?

I read your stories about your loving families having dinners, coming by to visit, helping out around the house, calling on the phone, etc.etc. So, that argument does not hold water for our families.

What it tells me is that your family cares about you guys – and what a great feeling that must be. I can only imagine and live vicariously through your posts and wish that this were the case for us. Because what it really says to me is your family is saying “You Matter.” Our families are saying “You do not.” Hey, but keep us posted:)

Maybe what Kim and I refer to as “our family” are just too emotionally vacant to be able to do that – or perhaps their lives are in such disarray, they can’t help it – or perhaps they are just to apathetic to know better – or maybe they are just plain “pathetic.” The answer is probably E – “All of the Above.”

I don’t know – what I do know is that it’s not going to change in our lifetimes – so we are all that each other has to get through this Life and get to the finish line.

So, when I see what this Cancer has done to our relationship, it makes me upset and angry – more importantly HURT.

As I’ve stated many times before, prior to me finding the Board, I spent the bulk of my cancer journey, primarily alone. Kim worked night shifts, so we passed like 2 ships in the night – introducing ourselves on the weekends and getting the chores and errands done. It was not her fault – not her choice – she did what had to be done – and I did what I needed to do – we approached Cancer like a business and took the emotional equation away – at least from each other. As long as I portrayed Strength, it made her feel secure.

Now, privately, I know we’ve both had our moments – many moments I’m sure, we just did not talk much about that. I tried to, but that is not Kim’s strong suit, so I let it lay – but it always hurt me that we could not get really “intimate” with our feelings and talk about what it was that each of us was experiencing.

Over the past 6-months since the DaVinci surgery, I have felt us “slipping away” from each other. We started to “grow apart.” It’s a helpless feeling. Sometimes in life, you are unable to help yourself and if you can’t help yourself, you can’t be of much help to your spouse.

And then you find that bickering becomes the norm and you ask yourself the question, “Do I love this person anymore?” More importantly, “Do I want to be with this person anymore?” Now, this is an equal opportunity question, Man to Woman and Woman to Man….or Life Partner to Life Partner.

And when you can’t find compelling reasons anymore – I can tell you, that’s “scary.” You wake up 20 years later and you don’t know who the other person is that is screaming at you. And some days – you don’t wanna’ know anymore, either.

And I think that the emotional side of Cancer and Finances and how it relates to your significant other definitely plays a bigger role than any of us can ever forecast.

Without this added STRESS that has been added to our lives for many years concurrently, I’m sure this would not seem like the case. But, it’s like “water against the rocks.” No matter how strong you are, you can be beaten down with all that Cancer can bring you and your loved ones.

You’ve fought for so many years – been dealt the setbacks – can’t find the answers – more surgeries to do – more finances to incur. It becomes a “ball and chain” that you can hardly drag around with you anymore.

Both of you are just searching to try and find a “peace” in this world. Since you are the only TWO in the room, each of you get the other by “default” and then you begin to take it out on the other one, because the pain is so raw and it hurts so bad – and you can’t see the day when it’s every going to go away. Therein, lies the frustration and the great Truth. It's become the "norm" and you just can't see past the trees anymore.

Things hit a boiling point over the weekend and we finally sat down and “talked” to each other – we actually treated other with civility. That was nice.

Not too long ago, when we knew surgery was going to be the route, Kim had a meltdown. She said something to the effect, “I’m just so sick and tired of this $hit, just hurry up and die. I can’t take it anymore.”

That one STUNG…I stood there and took that one, because I tried to understand her frustration from her viewpoint. Our lives have been derailed by this disease, and she knew that we were going to lose another six months recovering from the new DaVinci surgery. She was boiling over and I was in the way and caught that one between the eyes – but it did hurt me.

Now, before anyone goes bashing Kim – she’s alone too – no friends and her family, 1300 miles away, have abandoned her too, so she’s got nobody to talk to. I often wish that many of you ladies were close by, so she would have a girlfriend “in the know” that she could talk to when she was feeling blue. Another female to be there with her too.

She’s a good woman – a fine lady – a good wife – a hard worker – a good friend. She’s simply HAD ENOUGH and is at the breaking point. She’s had her own health concerns to fret about as well. And she’s not felt well for the longest time.

How much can anyone of us take is open to speculation, and can only be answered by each individual, so please don't judge her harshly and please continue to be her friend and support her too. She needs a friend – and who better than you guys? Let’s give her a big hug…((((((KIM))))))

We all say things that we “regret.”

I just wish I could make her life easier and tell her that this Cancer and surgery business is O-V-E-R. Maybe, this time will be the last. I know we can’t take too much more – and I know my body can’t take too many more of these “surgery wars” either.

Kim was diagnosed with sleep apnea and she was literally not able to sleep for more than a minute or two at a time. She went to a sleep study and finally got to the bottom of it. She would literally stop breathing every minute or two, throughout the night when she went to bed.

You know what happens when you don’t get your sleep – it knocks your whole body out of whack. You’re moody and irritable and not rested. Her legs were swollen and she was bloated. It’s been very hard on her. She was snoring so bad, and was keeping the lights and TV on until all hours of the morning, I could not get my rest. So, I had to move to the guest room, just so I could get some peace and quiet and enough rest to function.

She just received a breathing machine last week, and it seems to be helping her – we’re hoping it will help her continue to get the rest that she needs. She has stopped snoring – I haven’t, LOL:)

So, I’ve moved back into our bedroom last night and we’re together again. We talked last night and broke the ice between us. I got her to say to me:

“I need you.”

And…

“If you died, my life would not be that much better like you think.”

Kim saved my life 6-years ago by calling the nurse and telling her to keep the colonoscopy appointment I had cancelled that day.

I’ve often asked her if she regretted that decision…stay tuned

So, what I was trying to say was how “alone” and “lonely” Cancer can make a couple feel and the toll that it can take on your marriage. It’s as tough as the cancer fight itself. And when it’s only the 2 of you against the world, it can indeed feel hollow and isolating at different times of the journey.

Hopefully, Kim will not club me from what I posted – but she is riding along with me and she’s in it too – and I have used personal illustrations from my own life to show the rest of you, what it is that I am feeling at any given moment.

And maybe by seeing me talk about, you might want to talk about it – and if you do not, then you can draw from it, something that might be happening or have happened in your lives.

Love to all of you guys – thanks for listening – you guys are cheaper than a therapist:)

Wish you lived close by, so we could just do something from time to time. It seems the older one gets, the harder it is to find a good friend.

Kim and I are going to be OK:)

Do you have a story that you want to share?


-Craig