Stress on caregivers

lisazee
lisazee Member Posts: 12
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
Ladies, I need your help...

I am at my wits end. My mom is a mess. She had exploratory surgery in December - docs said the cancer was too extensive to operate, wanted her to do chemo first then the hysterectomy. She had 4 of her 6 chemos - CA125 went fronm 1200 at her first surgery down to 25 after the third chemo (not sure what it was after the 4th), so they decided to stop and do her hysterectomy. Doc went in for that procedure and said there was no visible cancer in there, biopsies were later all clear. This is good, no GREAT news, right?

My mom has been a wreck the whole process. I see the positive, fighting outlooks that you all have here, and I feel gypped. My mom wants to die. Wants to go see her dead mother, who is "calling her", and she feels like she should go because she was only 30 when her mom died, and I am 36 so I got more years than she did so I should be happy. She sits in her room, makes us come sit vigil with her, cries all the time - won't take any meds other than pain meds. She gets mad when we don't see her enough, says we don't care. Is basically VERY hard on myself, my brother, and my poor father who lost his job after his FMLA ran out and he couldn't return in time. My father waits on her hand and foot - I think he feels guilty because he "made" her have the chemo, I think he feels like he deserves what he gets. Which is her sending him up and down the stairs all day, yelling about the food he fixes her, the meds he brings her, all of it...

The kicker is today. I organized a team to walk in an ovarian cancer walk tomorrow at the Chicago lakefront - today I find out she's not going to come watch us walk. "Doesn't feel up to it"... My dad is covering for her, I know she's fine and just wants to sulk and not see anyone. I recruited 14 people and raised $1600, and now I have to tell these people that she doesn't have the decency to watch us walk FOR HER.

I want/need to tell her - our lives are changed because of this, too. While she cannot control the cancer, she CAN control how she treats us. I feel like - what kind of rotten daughter yells at her mother with cancer. The mother who wants us all to go through chemo so we can feel as miserable as she does (yes, she said this to me.) When does enough become enough?

I'm so sorry this is so long, I'm just gutted...

Comments

  • leesag
    leesag Member Posts: 621 Member
    #2
    Hi honey, I'm so sorry that
    Hi honey,

    I'm so sorry that your family is having such a rough time! I have been a caregiver and now am a cancer patient (survivor?). I don't know where your mom is having her treatments, but I know at my cancer center (local hospital not a big name) there is a Social Worker available to myself and my family for concerns just like this one.

    It sounds as though your mom may be seriously depressed. Last year, my dad was in and out of hospital several times and he also talked about wanting to die. When I mentioned this to his doctor, she immediately prescribed an anti-depressant and as his mood became more balanced, his health improved dramatically. After my diagnosis, one of the first things my doctor did was prescribe Ativan for anxiety attacks and Celexa (anti-depressant). After convincing my dad to take his (even when he didn't think he needed it), I didn't even argue with my doctor.

    Chemo can be very hard on your body. I know that I've been fortunate as far as side effects, but still, the exhaustion and the digestive issues can be very wearing both physically and emotionally. Also, it is apparently a common side effect for chemo patients to feel depressed 7 - 14 days after chemo, according to my oncologist.

    As for what kind of daughter you are, clearly, you found this forum and are asking for assistance. That makes you a loving and caring daughter. I understand your frustration, and honestly, just because your mom is sick, doesn't mean you can't share your feelings with her. Just try to do it before you reach frustration point, when you can talk to her calmly.

    I'll keep your family in my prayers.

    Hugs,

    Leesa

    PS It's VERY good news that the surgeon couldn't find anything! :)
  • Hissy_Fitz
    Hissy_Fitz Member Posts: 1,834
    #3
    Goodness, Lisa....you
    Goodness, Lisa....you certainly have a lot on your plate right now. Kudos for organizing the team to walk for Ovarian Cancer awareness. And don't let your mom minimize your efforts. You aren't just walking for HER...you are walking for all of us, too. And we appreciate it.

    First of all, you aren't a "rotten daughter". And sometimes even people with Cancer need a (figuratively speaking) slap upside the head, as we say in the South. Nothing gives a person a free pass to be nasty to others - not old age, not illness, not pestilence, famine, or plague.

    Secondly, if your mom really wants to "give up", there isn't much you can do to change her mind. It is, after all, her life. I suspect, however, that she is really just feeling sorry for herself. A little bit of that is perfectly understandable, but it sounds like your mom wants the whole family to come sit Shiva for her, and she's not even dead. That can't be healthy for her, mentally, or for the rest of you.

    How much is enough? I'd say you have already passed that point. If your mom won't agree to counseling and/or meds to help all of you deal with her diagnosis, you may need to detach yourself (with love) from the situation before it becomes even more toxic.

    You are so right about the Cancer changing everyone's lives. My diagnosis is not just mine, it's my family's, too. And having been the spouse of a man who died of Cancer (died in my arms, on our 25th wedding anniversary), I can tell your mom a thing or two about that perspective. It's HARD to watch someone you love go thru the whole Cancer experience. In fact, it may have been harder to be the care-giver than the patient.

    Come here anytime and vent.

    Carlene
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #4
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • birdnighter
    birdnighter Member Posts: 12
    #5
    Caregivers need kudos as well
    On behalf of all of us ..Thank you for caring and walking..It means so much to know we are all together in this battle against Cancer..((((hugs)))
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #6
    long and winding road
    Yes, being a caregiver is a long and winding road. I've been caring for my mother through surgery, chemo and several complications for over a year. She has a fighting attitude, quite different from your mother, but that's not the point. In the last few months she has become more intense in her adult characteristics, but also more childlike. I don't know which one I'm talking with sometimes, the wound-up 80 year old or the goofy 8 year old!

    So, maybe your parents are just following their old patterns, only more intense. Having lived among the old folks so much, it is my observation that they stick close to old, familiar behaviors and don't do change. Is not showing up something your mother did in the past, maybe to get attention?

    These are desperate times, but tomorrow starts another day. Take a deep breath. Find your boundaries. Unlimited venting space available in the caregivers forum, too.
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #7
    Hello Lisazee
    Hello LisaZEE,

    I am LisaJ and I have been caretaking my mother since last July.. It can be a tough job...For example, I flew her up from Fl to NY yesterday and there was a huge issue on the airplane, and I had to get involved. She is highly critical and angry and can have what I would call a knife toungue. What I have learned through this process is that I choose to help and be with her and help her...Consequently she owes me nothing. For example, I am swimming in a swim for Ovarian cancer next month..she is not coming and I don't expect her to..it's ok..I want to do it....When she makes comments about the chemo...my response has been, "I wish I could go through it for you...". I try desperately to be compassionate....Every once in awhile I want to kill her and yell back something...and then I leave and come to Starbucks (where I am right now by the way :)) and give her space...Of course your mother knows her illness affects your lives.......and probably feels pretty crappy about that. So my advice (for what its worth)....do what you want for you...expect nothing in return. She knows you are there and appreciates it...she just may not be able to express it....so come here and we'll tell you what a great daughter you are......The great thing I have learned in all of this is how to tolerate a lot of BS, and I seem to have developed tremendous compassion that I never had before. Truth is my mother is struggling every day in a way I cannot understand and hope I never have to...Your mother is probably experiencing some intense feelings and fears that she may not even understand....so go have a great time at the walk..and walk for these ladies and your Mom!!!Keep us posted...caretaking is tough... You're a great daughter!!
  • catcan
    catcan Member Posts: 119
    #8
    thanks
    Lisazee
    Thanks for organizing and walking we all really appreciate it. I'm sorry you are going through this and we all know how hard it is for family. I think your mom needs some councilling also and if she refuses maybe it's time you let her know how you feel. She may not realize how she is acting. Best of luck to you and keep us posted we are here for you

    cat
  • azgrandma
    azgrandma Member Posts: 609 Member
    #9
    catcan said:

    thanks
    Lisazee
    Thanks for organizing and walking we all really appreciate it. I'm sorry you are going through this and we all know how hard it is for family. I think your mom needs some councilling also and if she refuses maybe it's time you let her know how you feel. She may not realize how she is acting. Best of luck to you and keep us posted we are here for you

    cat

    so sorry
    My heart goes out to you, i too went through depression and it and the cancer is hard on the whole family.

    maybe they should put her on some depression pills.
    I will pray for you all

    Love Lynda
  • msfanciful
    msfanciful Member Posts: 559
    #10
    Hello Lisa,
    Your mom sounds
    Hello Lisa,

    Your mom sounds to be in a very depressive state right now. It's understandable. All of us, I know at least myself can say have been where your mom is. She's having her pity-party right now and she's feeling how unfair life is. I went through this also. I'm with whoever posted that if she is not on an anti-depressant, she may want to seek doing just so. Once I began mine, and it was for me a very low dose (10mg of Lexapro-once a day) did it for me. I'm generally very happy by nature. It did jump-start my mind-set to get off my hiney and start living no matter what illness I'm living with.

    As for you, you sound to be a very admirable daughter to be concerned and supportive as you are. You have feelings too and do not feel guilty because you want to tell mom a thing or two. She may truly be unaware how you guys are affected. But how will she know, if everyone is afraid to tell her? A reality check as to how you all feel about may be what she needs. She needs to know you all are afraid, helpless just as much as she is. But of course timing is everything when you do this.

    Everyone of you in this picture are only human beings who have been dealt a horrible blow and it won't get any better unless all parties agree to disagree and yet compromise and meet half-way.

    Hopefully, things will get better for you.

    Take care,

    Sharon

Discussion Boards