Any of you ever "Feel" single?

david54
david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I have posted here more lately because my wife’s cancer is progressing, however just when I think she is preparing for a significant change, she proves me wrong (as in posting “Gut Feeling” a few weeks ago). My wife has the amazing ability to “Hunker down” when she is sick and she is very ill. A few weeks ago she could barely walk up the staircase and now she can do that as well as open curtains. That’s about it. I have come to accept that this is a long journey and that life will not necessarily turn out the way I think it should – I can tell you that today, tomorrow I might feel differently.

Okay enough of my rambling on that – my question is do any of you feel as if you are single even though you are still married to your spouse? I particularly feel this way on weekends when I am off work. My wife sleeps all day and most of the night, the only time I interact with her is when I am getting her ensure, water, oatmeal, or running an errand. Other than that I am alone with my thoughts and it hits home just how our relationship has changed because of her #$@!!! cancer!

Last weekend I was sitting on the couch alone watching a baseball game and I felt lonely, really lonely for the first time in two years. I didn’t want to call a friend, I didn’t want to go to a movie, I wanted my wife at my side. I wanted to go out to dinner with her, debate politics (She’s republican I’m democrat) and even have her tell me what I did wrong in the yard with the shrubs. Not so anymore…this sucks big time!


David

Comments

  • GregStahl
    GregStahl Member Posts: 188
    #2
    Alone
    David

    I read your post several times and I understand your feelings. My wife was just diagnosed with DC BC T3 triple neg, so we are just starting our trip down this road.

    When I was a kid (7 - 14) my mom was diagnosed with BC and the last 2 years when she was really bad, I remember seeing the affect it had on my dad.

    All I can suggest at this point is to keep your friends close and spend time with them when you feel lonely, caregivers support groups, family, etc. I know it doesnt take the place of a good political debate (which I always lose and wind up feeling like I am sleeping in an empty bed lol), the snippy comments about the yard work, or seeing the eye roll when you say your going to catch a few innings or a couple of qtrs of the game, but it beats the alternative.

    I have read posts from ladies in these blogs about husbands who just were not there. Didnt go to appointments, didnt/wouldnt listen when needed, and wouldnt hold when a hug was required....wouldnt do the little things.
    You obviously have stepped up and I admire you for the strength and commitment you have to your wife and helping her fight this...... stay strong, lean of friend and family, and you can get thru this. Good luck my friend and feel free to contact me.
    Greg
  • mdnikki
    mdnikki Member Posts: 34
    #3
    While I can't totally relate
    While I can't totally relate since it is my mom who has the cancer. I can say that I know my husband sometimes feels he is single. I spend so many days and nights at the hospital and by my moms side that I am not there for him...although he is the last one to complain, I know it is taking its toll.

    That being said..I'm happy to debate politics with you.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #4
    Been There
    I have been where you are. It is really hard when your loved one is there but not really there. We are so used to doing things together that it hurts when they can't do things with you. My husband couldn't even sleep in the bed his last couple of years. What you are feeling sounds very common and normal to me. Make the most of those times when you can share and talk. Let her know that you miss her. Fay
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #5
    grandmafay said:

    Been There
    I have been where you are. It is really hard when your loved one is there but not really there. We are so used to doing things together that it hurts when they can't do things with you. My husband couldn't even sleep in the bed his last couple of years. What you are feeling sounds very common and normal to me. Make the most of those times when you can share and talk. Let her know that you miss her. Fay

    I have been thinking of you!
    Hi David,
    Ever since you posted "gut feeling" we have not heard back from you. I can not relate to you, it was my dad who had the cancer, but I know my mom sure could. I would suggest going into her room, while she is awake, tell her all of these feelings. Tell he how much you miss her, how much you love her. Make the most of the rest of her time. She sounds really strong, you dont want her to go without telling her your true feelings. You are a sweet, loving, caring, husband, and she needs to know that!
    Tina
  • augigi
    augigi Member Posts: 89
    #6
    Tina Blondek said:

    I have been thinking of you!
    Hi David,
    Ever since you posted "gut feeling" we have not heard back from you. I can not relate to you, it was my dad who had the cancer, but I know my mom sure could. I would suggest going into her room, while she is awake, tell her all of these feelings. Tell he how much you miss her, how much you love her. Make the most of the rest of her time. She sounds really strong, you dont want her to go without telling her your true feelings. You are a sweet, loving, caring, husband, and she needs to know that!
    Tina

    Not the same as I am carer
    Not the same as I am carer for my mother, but I definitely hate the way cancer has changed her, and me, and our relationship.. and oftentimes now I feel like I've already lost my mum. My strong, confident, know-it-all mother is now frail, in pain and dependent on me. It's a hard shift for sure.
  • pattymel
    pattymel Member Posts: 18
    #7
    David: I totally know how
    David: I totally know how you feel. As you become more of a caretaker and your spouse becomes more dependent upon you (sort of a child/parent reversal) you feel less like a spouse. My husband and I just started this journey about 10 months ago. He is stage IV and has been very sick recently. I really don't feel married most of the time. Most of the time I feel like the mother of three children, as we have two young children at home also. I hate cancer more than I have ever hated anything in my life. I never thought at the age of 48 I would be walking down this road with the man of my dreams. Right in front of my face he has grown old in just a matter of a few months, his hair is now completely white, and I look at him sometimes and wonder who he is. Cancer changes everything. You hear the word and you instantly have your own personal 9/11 experience. I know that our lives will never be the same again but I hate having to accept that. I'm sure you have felt all these things too, but it is nice to know that other people feel that way. Sometimes I even find myself trying to hold back my love for him thinking it will make it easier when he is no longer here but I can't do that to him or to myself. I waited 37 yrs to meet him and he is absolutely the kindest most loving many I know, and cancer can't take from me. Patty
  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
    #8
    pattymel said:

    David: I totally know how
    David: I totally know how you feel. As you become more of a caretaker and your spouse becomes more dependent upon you (sort of a child/parent reversal) you feel less like a spouse. My husband and I just started this journey about 10 months ago. He is stage IV and has been very sick recently. I really don't feel married most of the time. Most of the time I feel like the mother of three children, as we have two young children at home also. I hate cancer more than I have ever hated anything in my life. I never thought at the age of 48 I would be walking down this road with the man of my dreams. Right in front of my face he has grown old in just a matter of a few months, his hair is now completely white, and I look at him sometimes and wonder who he is. Cancer changes everything. You hear the word and you instantly have your own personal 9/11 experience. I know that our lives will never be the same again but I hate having to accept that. I'm sure you have felt all these things too, but it is nice to know that other people feel that way. Sometimes I even find myself trying to hold back my love for him thinking it will make it easier when he is no longer here but I can't do that to him or to myself. I waited 37 yrs to meet him and he is absolutely the kindest most loving many I know, and cancer can't take from me. Patty

    Thank You Patty and to all
    Thank You Patty and to all that have responded with your amazing empathy.
    You hit it on the head Patty when you shared “9/11” experience. Ours was November 4th 2007. You have three children? Our daughter is 24 and in grad school – I have often thought how much harder this would be if she had been a toddler or even young adolescent when her mom became ill, even with just one child, it would make this situation much more difficult. My wife’s last CEA was almost 700. She needed two units of blood yesterday after her chemo. At the infusion center she asked for her treatment in a bed rather than in a recliner because she was too weak. Life goes on and we do the best we can. You and everyone have my prayers and highest regard – I think I can, in this situation, truly say “I know what you are feeling.”
  • AmeliaW
    AmeliaW Member Posts: 4
    #9
    I can relate to you
    David,
    I can really relate to your situation. My husband was given days to weeks to live 10 months ago. He was so weak we had to use devices to lift him. But 10 months later he can do the stairs, walk around the house, etc. In those 10 months there have been several periods of weakness, but then he just bounces back. Unfortunately he can't appreciate this because he also has developed some form of dementia. He has been tested and his cancer is growing but he is simultaneously getting stronger.
    But I totally understand your loneliness. It is truly unbearable sometimes to realize you're probably not going to be able to do any of your favorite things together ever again. But you just keep hoping in some part of you that things can go back to where they were. I honestly don't think that there is anything anyone can do to comfort you (or me), except to know that when it's all over you did everything you possibly could to help her. And also to know that others have been through this so we are not the only ones.

    Amelia
  • MrsPlate
    MrsPlate Member Posts: 19
    #10
    Yup, I get it...
    My husband was diagnosed mid March with GBM (after a surgery to remove some of the tumor on his spine) and I can't believe how much it has changed our relationship. Every little "issue" we had before is intensified, yet at the same time it's all little crap too and I feel bad even thinking about the little crap...

    He was a healthy 37 yr old, we have a 12 yr old, a 4 yr old and I'm due with our 3rd in 4 weeks. Each day brings new challanges and bigger hurdles- it just doesn't end. He's one that doesn't always talk through his issues and concerns, he just holds them in. It's so hard to always be the one talking- I end up feeling selfish, since I can only say what I'm feeling and hoping he'll chime in too. Plus, he sleeps ALOT. I worry about him missing out on so much of the kids' lives, and I know it hurts him to miss stuff too, just makes depression worse. So not only does he have physical pain, lack of controll and unknown, he's also got emotional stuff stuff that makes him sink deeper in to himself. It's a cycle, how do you break it?

    At one point he was doing OK physically, but emotionally he was not good, he got angry and violent. Since then we've got him on depression meds, which I think has helped him in alot of ways, we're also going to a councelor that specializes in couples and has worked with cancer patients as well.

    I miss him, I miss the stupid crap- just feeling close to him. I've had to take over as "decision maker" and disciplinarian- it's amazing how much that weighs on a person. I have been a single mom before, it's so much sh*ttier when you're "supposed" to have a spouse...

    so yah, you're not alone... even when you're alone watching the game. Oh, and isn't it funny how politics seemed so worthy of debate before, and now it's lost it's appeal? Yet you wish you could go back to when they were important? I can't remember the last time I actually watched the news- we've got enough drama at home to keep us busy.
  • david54
    david54 Member Posts: 164 Member
    #11
    MrsPlate said:

    Yup, I get it...
    My husband was diagnosed mid March with GBM (after a surgery to remove some of the tumor on his spine) and I can't believe how much it has changed our relationship. Every little "issue" we had before is intensified, yet at the same time it's all little crap too and I feel bad even thinking about the little crap...

    He was a healthy 37 yr old, we have a 12 yr old, a 4 yr old and I'm due with our 3rd in 4 weeks. Each day brings new challanges and bigger hurdles- it just doesn't end. He's one that doesn't always talk through his issues and concerns, he just holds them in. It's so hard to always be the one talking- I end up feeling selfish, since I can only say what I'm feeling and hoping he'll chime in too. Plus, he sleeps ALOT. I worry about him missing out on so much of the kids' lives, and I know it hurts him to miss stuff too, just makes depression worse. So not only does he have physical pain, lack of controll and unknown, he's also got emotional stuff stuff that makes him sink deeper in to himself. It's a cycle, how do you break it?

    At one point he was doing OK physically, but emotionally he was not good, he got angry and violent. Since then we've got him on depression meds, which I think has helped him in alot of ways, we're also going to a councelor that specializes in couples and has worked with cancer patients as well.

    I miss him, I miss the stupid crap- just feeling close to him. I've had to take over as "decision maker" and disciplinarian- it's amazing how much that weighs on a person. I have been a single mom before, it's so much sh*ttier when you're "supposed" to have a spouse...

    so yah, you're not alone... even when you're alone watching the game. Oh, and isn't it funny how politics seemed so worthy of debate before, and now it's lost it's appeal? Yet you wish you could go back to when they were important? I can't remember the last time I actually watched the news- we've got enough drama at home to keep us busy.

    MrsPlate
    Wow! Thanks (and to
    MrsPlate

    Wow! Thanks (and to all of you) for your gut honesty-I cannot get this kind of response anywhere else! I have often thought that this process has created a sense of dissociative disorder in me - I wear so many different hats I swear I am a different person day to day-sometimes hour to hour!

    There are times I want to go away - far away. Yet if I were to do that I would not last 24 hours because I would desperately miss my spouse. She is really into our daughters wedding (in 2 years!) and has been calling caterers, photographers, rental agencies, looking at wedding gowns. I understand her interest, and the urgency and the diversion it provides. But it creates more headaches for me and my daughter who is trying to finish grad school!

    Another issue (I am afraid I sound petty) is that my wife "Farts" in public. (She has colon cancer). There was a point when she would try to exhibit self control but now, it’s "Beep Beep City." I would rather have her pass gas than develop a bowel obstruction but it still embarrasses the hell out of me when we are in an aisle and she lets one, two, three, four rip! Light a match and we would be neck to neck with the space shuttle!

    And every night-I must massage her edematous legs, ankles, feet for over an hour! Then it’s Vaseline over her dried cracked heels while I am pouring sweat because she is comfortable in a room damn close to 90 degrees!

    I want the beautiful oriental woman I married 30 years ago who was sensual, with hair down to her knees and getting double takes from men who were telling me telepathically I was a lucky man!

    I know I sound like an insensitive jerk but this is only a small part of what we both have encountered since her diagnosis and I need to vent without being judged because no one understands like people here what we go thru!

    I bet your children are beautiful! Just like you and your husband!

    David

Discussion Boards