Not Operable

WinneyPooh
WinneyPooh Member Posts: 318
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
yesterday i went back on chemo, not what i expected but it is what it is, When i was in the room, I looked like the healthies person there I looked like i should have been taking care of everyone else, . I felt down on myself for even being there, how could this be? why me, I look good , why is my cancer spreading, why am not operable anymore, Am I going to look like them soon. I felt silly wantting to vent to someone,

I did vent, shortly to my hubby and this was wrong cause it came off wrong and started to cry, it kinded sounded like to him that i want to look bad, (not what i meant). So i had to get happy with my situation. realize it's all going to be ok. Cancers not going to kill me 2012 is (lol)

Love you all
Winnie

Comments

  • lcarper2
    lcarper2 Member Posts: 635 Member
    #2
    winnie
    Sorry for the pain you are feeling right now and I know it is tough I went to my ONC and noticed I was the only one there with hair and it hit me that I am the lucky one in all this . This is my 2nd go round with this crap in 9 months and I am still here. So maybe if you looked at it like how lucky you are than it will make you feel better about the ones who aren't so lucky. Praying for you...
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #3
    Winnie
    Don't feel bad for feeling bad, just don't go there. I think at some point in time we all have felt "why me". I know I did, why George. He worked his whole life, took care of his little family, was a great Dad and husband and why, he just doesn' deserve this just when he is looking forward to retirement. He did everything right and guess what, he sill got cancer. Then I finally realized why anybody. George, like you, doesn't look sick. He feels good, continues to work and so far responding well to therapy.

    There was a young gal getting checked while I was a the doc for a mamogram. She looked so painfully ill and I'm guessing only in her 20's, with breast cancer. Her husband was with her and their little baby, well under a year old, was sleeping peacefully in a stroller. After that day I stopped asking why us.

    Go have yourself a good cry, what is can't be changed, I so wish it could for everyone.

    Take care - Tina
  • bbreed
    bbreed Member Posts: 4
    #4
    Winnie
    11 months ago, I was told that my tumor which was a recurrence was inoperable. I was shocked and vented also, for this did not show up on the PET. They were going to remove a small lesion and found this upon closing. I ended up with a colostomy. I recently finished 10 cycles of chemo, in which I did tolerate all right with few side effects. Then they tried Erbitux and I did have severe headaches, chills and fever from this. I refused to try it again, but they have given me some time to think and to start it at a low dose. So I am still thinking and researching. As I look back and I am thankful they found the tumor, it has been 3 years since the orginal diagnosis. Think positive and hang in there!

    Bonnie bbreed
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    #5
    bbreed said:

    Winnie
    11 months ago, I was told that my tumor which was a recurrence was inoperable. I was shocked and vented also, for this did not show up on the PET. They were going to remove a small lesion and found this upon closing. I ended up with a colostomy. I recently finished 10 cycles of chemo, in which I did tolerate all right with few side effects. Then they tried Erbitux and I did have severe headaches, chills and fever from this. I refused to try it again, but they have given me some time to think and to start it at a low dose. So I am still thinking and researching. As I look back and I am thankful they found the tumor, it has been 3 years since the orginal diagnosis. Think positive and hang in there!

    Bonnie bbreed

    Welcome to the forum Bonnie!
    Welcome to the forum Bonnie! I hope you get as much out of it as I do.
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    #6
    Winnie,
    Your healthy looks
    Winnie,

    Your healthy looks are a good thing. I feel the same way sometimes when I am at the cancer centre; I often feel like I look like one of the healthiest there. I gives me a little added hope that I look as well as I do. I think it is one factor doctors look at because it is one part of our "healthiness". If they are considering any procedures in the future they need to take overall health into consideration + looks are one indicator. I was really disappointed last August when they told me I wouldn't be able to have the surgery I was scheduled to have at that time. This doesn't mean it is off the table forever, I keep telling myself. I am on chemo + it seems to be doing its job. I try to think about what is happening now (chemo is working) but when I do think of the future, I try to think of one where all my cancer is gone, however that happens. The nurse who disconnected my pump last Thursday hadn't seen me in awhile + said how well I looked. She also said almost all her patients on chemo are doing really well. She talked about how current chemo treatments are so much more effective than even a few years ago. I felt really happy after she left-she really elevated my spirits; even more special on chemo-disconnect day, usually my lowest energy day.

    Your feelings are completely normal; not getting the surgery was a disappointment (I remember that feeling) + you are adjusting to the new tool to fight this cancer, chemo. Don't be afraid to vent. Good luck with all this!
  • kimby
    kimby Member Posts: 797
    #7
    Winnie
    It can be difficult when you look good because people don't always take you seriously when you don't feel well. It's ok to look good and still be ill. People eventually 'get it'. Sometimes we do look much better than we feel.

    Kimby
    Outwit. Outplay. Outlast.
  • bdee
    bdee Member Posts: 304
    #8
    Winnie
    I was told from the very start that my tumors (7) were inoperable and I was devastated. I started out on Oxaliplatin, leucovorin, Avastin and 5FU. Oxaliplatin almost killed me, so I've been taken off it but left on low doses of the other three. The onc told me this would not prolong my life by much, but would prolong it until some other kind of chemo came out for us to try. I appreciated his attitude because it was better than mine.
    After a year, I look better than I did before my diagnoses and surgery. I've lost some weight, I have a "chemo tan", and color in my face. I had supper with a friend last night that had not seen me in six years. She told me she was so afraid she wouldn't recognize me because of how she was afraid I would look. She was not embarrassed in the least to tell me I look remarkable and healthy with a good color and I was not embarrassed to hear it. I enjoy it when I see old friends who are just blown away knowing I'm dying, but not seeing it in my attitude or my physical appearance. I hope I look like this til the end.

    Good luck to you,
    Debbie in Arkansas
  • abmb
    abmb Member Posts: 311
    #9
    Sorry
    Winnie, sorry you have to go through this again. You have every right to breakdown and cry if you feel it. Don't feel bad about it. Take care and God Bless. Margaret
  • abrub
    abrub Member Posts: 2,174 Member
    #10
    Interesting research on surgery and advanced colorectal cancer
    See this link at Memorial Sloan Kettering - middle of page, where it is now felt that for advanced colorectal cancer, chemo is the treatment of choice - get stuff in the system to go after the mets first, and then remove the primary tumor only if necessary:

    http://www.mskcc.org/mskcc/html/94030.cfm

    Dr. Paty is a brilliant, renowned research and clinical surgical oncologist (and a truly wonderful, compassionate person!)
  • KATE58
    KATE58 Member Posts: 299
    #11
    abrub said:

    Interesting research on surgery and advanced colorectal cancer
    See this link at Memorial Sloan Kettering - middle of page, where it is now felt that for advanced colorectal cancer, chemo is the treatment of choice - get stuff in the system to go after the mets first, and then remove the primary tumor only if necessary:

    http://www.mskcc.org/mskcc/html/94030.cfm

    Dr. Paty is a brilliant, renowned research and clinical surgical oncologist (and a truly wonderful, compassionate person!)

    Iam always being told how
    Iam always being told how 'healthy' I look,and I am healthy,
    except for this stupid cancer,
    I am stage IV and as someone said earlier when you look healthy,
    people do not take your illness seriously.I am always being asked
    if I am finished chemo and all better now. they are always surprised
    when I explain about being stage IV and that I may never be finished
    with chemo or be "ok."

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