GBM loved one is taking out anger on me

mafaldas
mafaldas Member Posts: 21
edited March 2014 in Brain Cancer #1
Well, the doctors decided that they will not try for a 3rd surgery. My starts mom chemo and radiation tomorrow, and we are just going to hope for the best.

But, in the meantime, she is being horrid to me. I came back home (she lives in Central America) for ten days to be with her the first week of treatment. The weekend went well. But, things started going badly on Monday. My mom does not like to open the windows in her apartment... but she finds electricity too expensive to turn on the A/C. So, it is horrendously warm here. I asked her to please open some windows, and she got upset, because she is very concerned that the dust and wind will ruin her curtains and furniture. I thought her attitude might have changed, especially since she is facing cancer, and because she knows that the hot apartment is hard on me because of a congenital heart condition.

But, today she has been awful to me. She claimed if she had to pick between me and her curtains/furniture, she would prefer her furniture. She told friends and family members that I had been cursing and screaming at her. She has been telling people that I don't want to take her to run errands, even though I have spent all day yesterday and today at the doctors' offices and taking care of household-related matters.

But, what we really offended me was her claim that her friends are better to her than I am. I have dropped everything twice this year already to be at her side. I missed the first two weeks of the semester, risking a near-full ride to a top-ranked university. I gave up a well-paid internship over the semester, and I am giving up another internship over the summer to be here with her. I am leaving my husband alone for a year, after we already spent a year apart because of a work assignment her took overseas. My husband left that work assignment a few months earlier to come back to the states to give me support and allow me to support my mother. I am scheduling my heart valve replacement surgery around her medical needs. And, I am sitting out school for a year to spend next fall and spring semesters with her. The best most of her friends here offer is to pray the rosary for her.

I know she is facing pain, fear, anger that I cannot understand. But, can't she think of me for one second? Just one second? Why does she have to say such hurtful things? Are your loved ones also saying hurtful things? Or, is it just my mother?

Comments

  • hopeformymom
    hopeformymom Member Posts: 1
    #2
    You will always know you did
    You will always know you did everything you could have done for your mom. Whether or not she will ever appreciate what you've done and express it to you, you are living so that you'll have no regrets later.

    Hang in there. What you're doing is a good thing.
  • jnE
    jnE Member Posts: 4
    #3
    hurtful things
    My husband and I have been married for a lil over 5 yrs a total of 8 yrs together. He used to be a complete sweetheart and very easy going guy. He started getting symptoms in Oct 2009 which included personality changes. He was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme IV in late Jan 2010 after having surgery at MD Anderson. 1 tumor was removed from rt frontal lobe 2 are inoperable (in deep left frontal lobe & left part of thalamus) as per several doctors. He has mood swings, and can say very hurtful things at times. He also has short term memory loss so I try to bring it to his attention when he hurts my feelings. All the drs, all that I have read about about GBM and the locations of tumors say that this is "normal". I don't have people to talk that can be completey understanding of my feelings. I just try to remember what the situation is and try to be patient with him. When he is willing and able to have a deep conversation (not very often) I do remind him about his attitude towards me or others and we do talk about everything that has been going on and he will apoligize. I know it can be very difficult, but patience is a must. I hope this at least helps you to feel better..... that you are not the only one that this is happening to.
  • RJWille
    RJWille Member Posts: 2
    #4
    jnE said:

    hurtful things
    My husband and I have been married for a lil over 5 yrs a total of 8 yrs together. He used to be a complete sweetheart and very easy going guy. He started getting symptoms in Oct 2009 which included personality changes. He was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme IV in late Jan 2010 after having surgery at MD Anderson. 1 tumor was removed from rt frontal lobe 2 are inoperable (in deep left frontal lobe & left part of thalamus) as per several doctors. He has mood swings, and can say very hurtful things at times. He also has short term memory loss so I try to bring it to his attention when he hurts my feelings. All the drs, all that I have read about about GBM and the locations of tumors say that this is "normal". I don't have people to talk that can be completey understanding of my feelings. I just try to remember what the situation is and try to be patient with him. When he is willing and able to have a deep conversation (not very often) I do remind him about his attitude towards me or others and we do talk about everything that has been going on and he will apoligize. I know it can be very difficult, but patience is a must. I hope this at least helps you to feel better..... that you are not the only one that this is happening to.

    can relate to you alot
    Hi
    I read your post and i can really relat to you...aug 1,09, they said my husband had a stroke, went to rehab got a little better.Than began getting worst. He stopped talking to me about the end of nov..Than other stranger behaviors, so we had MRI on dec 18 and was told 2 mass lessions, so jan 4,10 we had biopscy and was told glioblastoma multiforme IV.
    Did 6 wks radation and 150mg chemo pill..just did another MRI and it did show some shrinkage (PRAISE GOD) so know we start 300mg of chemo pill..for 5 days and than off 28.
    He is saying a little more now and answers questions. The worst is he doesn"t know when he has to do a bowl movement..and he gets it every where and yes i have him in depends,but if i don't watch him he takes it off andwhaa mess..My husband is 61 and was always so sweet and since this tumor he got meaner, he would keep hitting our dogs evan when they were sleeping..we put him on something too calm him down..Oh i forgot to mention hi tumors re inoperable....we havea 15 yr oldand its vey hrd onim also..Right now we keep praying for more shrinkage, so he will talk to me again and have a real conversation....
    Patience is a must nd is hard to have at some times..GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND...
    Your not alone..
    Judy Wille
  • Chadly
    Chadly Member Posts: 1
    #5
    Anger fear resentment jealousy can love conquer all?
    Hey just thought I would post a little bit. My wife lost her fight with cervical cancer 7 years ago. She fought 2 years thru 5 different types of chemo and 6 types of radiation. She was one tough gal. She was a warm friendly person before the cancer, but as the months went on her demeaner changed. WHO? could blame her. She was 37 and we had a 3 yearold at the time. We were just starting to get things in order. Bought a house had a child etc things were looking up. I can remember driving her to chemo treatments and she would stare at the cars passing by ... speaking softly .. "I wonder what they are thinking about." I guess she wished she could swap thoughts/lives.

    I never forgot her saying that. I know its hard to put ourselves in a person shoes when they have a limited time and the treatment is so horrible to thier bodies and mind. I took care of my wife at home for the 2 years unless her blood was so damaged and or she was so dehydrated/weak from the vomiting and lack of appietite. I would take her to the ER or the DOc would just admitt her straightaway. I would stay up there and take care of her. LOL she wouldnt let the nurses clean her puke pail or make her bed. She would only let me do it.

    Some cancer people see us as healty and soon they could possibly die. Be it jealousy for the time we will have and they will not or the events like my daughters first day of school or riding a bike she will miss. Sweet sixteen and then her wedding day. So many things. I belive my wife FEARED for us mostly... not being there to make sure all was well was the worst for her. I love her dearly still even when she said soem ugly things when I was trying so hard to help her. Hey dont get me wrong sometimes I didnt say the best things either.

    I remember stuff people said that would set her off like "you look goood!" haha she would say to me later if they only knew the hours I spend puking up my meager bites of food and the waves of nausea that torment me. She just wanted to talk about normal stuff not her Docs or treatments and by god!!!! PLs dont keep telling a cancer patient.. if you could just eat a little more you feel better. That would piss her off. She knows good and well she needed to eat more. But trying to eat what you have been craving and after the second or third bite puking it up was such battle. A battle she lost alot and gave up sometimes. I learned to not eat when I cooked for her .. sometimes at 2am not just for helpling me to not toss my cookies while holding the puke bucket, but to not waste food. I would make 3 or 4 differnt types of meals to get her to get it down. Well the left overs would pile up so I would eat what I could after she did .. and after I clean up all the mess. Sometimes it was hard to eat what you spent 20 minutes cleaning out of the carpet or off her clothes and blankets if we didnt get the bucket in time ... but I managed.

    And why not I loved her and still do. She been gone now 7 year. I married her for the good times and the bad ... better or worse I think it goes.... Well we sure had many many great day and some bad ones. She told me once I could go out and find a one night stand it was ok with her as long as it was for one night and a stranger. Hurt my feeling to hear it .... to think I was that petty to want sex while she hurt so. I told her .. I married you in front or our friends and family for better or worse. I dont need anything but you and our baby as long as the good Lord allows. Never thought about it untill she turned for the worse and on the last week of her life the pain was so great they had to put her on a double Dialoded drip. Nurse said get clsoe and talk to her becasue once this other pain medicine comes she will be in Lala land. I had like 2 hours.

    During those 2 hours the topics ranged from I love you to what to do with our daughter under certain curcumstances ... eheh she even told me nopt to marry an Asian woman so our daughter would not get confused on who her real mommy was. Hehe I promised her all and have kepted it even thou some were silly. Somewhere in that conversation she asked me if I ever took her up on the one night stand she had mentioned .. all i could do is bow my head hurt repeating ... I married you before God and family for the good days and the bad.... of course I dont need anyone else but you. and at the moment and now 7 years later I feel the same way. YEs I miss the hugs and kisses and all that crap involving relationships ... I just mostly miss her.

    Im curently helping my mom with my father hes got a egg yoke size tumor on his right center way deep they say to remove. WE heard a day or so ago hes to get Temodar and radiation. Have no idea how Im going to help her. It has to be inside you to forgive the things a loved one says wether they mean or it or not. You have heard hateful things I can relate. I have already seen my father say things to my mom .. brings back bad memories. I quitely tell each when Im alone samll things to help cope. I talk in the open together about the same things so each can hear. Not in a accusing way but just to get it out and press on. Things that fester casue more harm. Somethings I leave alone. No way to repair or fix.

    All you can do is the best you can do. If she passes then you know you loved her and did your best. Tell her I love you .. but I dont love the way you treat me sometimes. You are not a bad person for not wanting to be a punching bag 24/7. As best you can let her know.
  • Oly
    Oly Member Posts: 19
    #6
    Loving caregiver
    God bless you!

    Having survived several heart attacks,several strokes, knee replacement and numerous cancers (Whole head radiation for Colon cancer metastases, just now, following Gamma Knife and two major surgeries) I am following the guidelines set by my sister who has had EVERYTHING; TB cancers, several replacement joints and numerous other medical horribles all her life, and only look up and forward with the highest spirits I can manage. "Tain't easy, but I can see the benefits of this on the faces of my wife and youngest son, and that lifts my spirits even more!

    Your Mom has more brain problems than the cancer, so allow her more slack than you may think fair, as you have been. But please do not let her outlook and attitude sap your own will and spirit. Remember, Her attitude is like a highball: It can only affect you if you take it in.
  • sduteau
    sduteau Member Posts: 1
    #7
    I am so sorry
    you are going through this. I am going through the same thing with my husband's aunt. She has a very negative attitude and is always fussing about something or someone. I CANNOT do anything right . She hates men and talks about my husband like a dog. It makes me so so angry. I try so hard to remember that I am talking to a tumor and not the person, however, I am beginning to believe that the tumor just exhaserbated (sp) this type personality, mean spirited. I gave up my home, all my friends, left my daughter and my job to move to another town to take care of this woman. If she would only say thank you ONE time for what we have done for her. Just have to hang in there. I am thinking of you. Let me know how things are going. I know you are doing a wonderful job.

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