does family and friend really think its over when all is said and done
any advise would be great. doesn't seem like anyone understands. Please help..... Tears!!!!
Comments
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I know what you mean!
Everyone thinks you should just be "normal" now that treatment is over! That's why this site is so great. There are so many here who understand that things are not normal and we are still going through quite a lot, physically and emotionally. You can always come here to talk!0 -
Boy, have you come to the right place...elm3544 said:I know what you mean!
Everyone thinks you should just be "normal" now that treatment is over! That's why this site is so great. There are so many here who understand that things are not normal and we are still going through quite a lot, physically and emotionally. You can always come here to talk!
This is a very common topic on this board. You are not alone with this. I firmly believe that unless someone has been thur this, there is no way they are ever going to have the faintest idea of what we went thru, how we feel and certainly not a clue to our thoughts and feelings. How could they? I was one of them! My niece was dx with bc in 4/2007 and went the whole 9 yards of chemo, double mastecomy, radiation, trans flap and is still awaitng hysterectomy (complications have held that up so far). And I was there with sympathy and cards etc and couldn't figure out why she was still so depressed after the main part was "over". Then I was dx in June 09 (my mammorgram/ultra sound which pretty much told the story was June 18, 2009, we were going thru this together at the same time) and I went chemo, mastecomy etc. I finished treatment 12-11 and by now I feel realy good, nails still doing their "thing", bits of neuropothy cropping up, hair not long enough to be uncovered yet but otherwise doing really well. But underneath, I worry about the other breast and my upcoming mammorgram in June, will it start over with a new dx? Will this one reocurr? I don't dwell on it, but it's in the back of my mind.
My husband it totally understanding, he lost his Mom to bc when he was 11 yrs old. My friends still are concerned because my head is still covered so it's still in front of them...but I never discuss my inner fears with them. They just wouldn't really understand and it would make them uncomfortable and when I'm with them (because I don't discuss it) I forget about my fears and enjoy feeling good and having a good time. Ralph and I don't talk about it much because we dont' have too, it's a bond between us.
I wouldn't feel better talking about it with anyone, it's my worry and I don't let it overtake my thoughts. The closer June gets, the more I will think about it I know. That's why this board is so wonderful, here we all understand, here we can let our feelings out and not drive people away. I'm glad you found us... But I will add that if you are having a particularly difficult time emotionally and can't ever get bad or scary thoughts out of your head, maybe you should seek some professional help to get you thru this difficult time. Heaven knows I relied on Ativan every day and every nite from the day I felt the lump until after treatment and I still take an Ativan at nite and get a great nite's sleep.
I'm sure there will be a lot of ladies posting giving you their thoughts and how they cope. I hope you feel better emotionally soon.
Hugs, Judy :-)0 -
what started it all wasSkeezie said:Boy, have you come to the right place...
This is a very common topic on this board. You are not alone with this. I firmly believe that unless someone has been thur this, there is no way they are ever going to have the faintest idea of what we went thru, how we feel and certainly not a clue to our thoughts and feelings. How could they? I was one of them! My niece was dx with bc in 4/2007 and went the whole 9 yards of chemo, double mastecomy, radiation, trans flap and is still awaitng hysterectomy (complications have held that up so far). And I was there with sympathy and cards etc and couldn't figure out why she was still so depressed after the main part was "over". Then I was dx in June 09 (my mammorgram/ultra sound which pretty much told the story was June 18, 2009, we were going thru this together at the same time) and I went chemo, mastecomy etc. I finished treatment 12-11 and by now I feel realy good, nails still doing their "thing", bits of neuropothy cropping up, hair not long enough to be uncovered yet but otherwise doing really well. But underneath, I worry about the other breast and my upcoming mammorgram in June, will it start over with a new dx? Will this one reocurr? I don't dwell on it, but it's in the back of my mind.
My husband it totally understanding, he lost his Mom to bc when he was 11 yrs old. My friends still are concerned because my head is still covered so it's still in front of them...but I never discuss my inner fears with them. They just wouldn't really understand and it would make them uncomfortable and when I'm with them (because I don't discuss it) I forget about my fears and enjoy feeling good and having a good time. Ralph and I don't talk about it much because we dont' have too, it's a bond between us.
I wouldn't feel better talking about it with anyone, it's my worry and I don't let it overtake my thoughts. The closer June gets, the more I will think about it I know. That's why this board is so wonderful, here we all understand, here we can let our feelings out and not drive people away. I'm glad you found us... But I will add that if you are having a particularly difficult time emotionally and can't ever get bad or scary thoughts out of your head, maybe you should seek some professional help to get you thru this difficult time. Heaven knows I relied on Ativan every day and every nite from the day I felt the lump until after treatment and I still take an Ativan at nite and get a great nite's sleep.
I'm sure there will be a lot of ladies posting giving you their thoughts and how they cope. I hope you feel better emotionally soon.
Hugs, Judy :-)
what started it all was because my husband hurt his back... when i had my reconstructive surgery, that was a very longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg 8 weeks of recovery.. but i would do it all over again. don't have implants my breasts are natural and they are a part of me... dont think i will have the nipple reconstructive surgery. the issue is that i never complained i always did what i needed to do... if i could get up and move around i would, even if it was just a few steps... and of course all he did was lay in bed and not move and just complain that his back hurt and to leave him alone. ugh... ugh... i know it doesn't sound right. but it just bothers me how i was a big girl and went thru everything i had to and didn't complain about why i ended up having to do this, i just did it.0 -
Oh BOY I GET IT!
I understand TOTALLY! Because you "look so good" you must be just fine!" If I head that once I heard it a thousand times......How am I supposed to look, Green? IT is a misconception that because we look "normal" once we're finished treatment, hair grows back, etc. that everything must be " hunky dory!" IT isn't and I have given up trying to make people understand....But I must say, my husband is my rock....even though he can't fully understand, as no one can unless they've walked our mile. he would never tell me to "get over the cancer thing".....I am so sorry your husband feels that way....I know that must hurt.....I have come up with a response when people now ask, "How are you?" I reply, "Good,for now, considering what I've been through..." That seems to stop them in their tracks. It's a gentle reminder to them, "I HAVE BEEN THROUGH HELL!"
I, personally, am much better now.......I had a lumpectomy, chemo then radiation...Finishing all treatment this past Nov...I, just in the past few months, have started to feel like I'm back among the living...I go Wednesday for my first post treatment mammogram....I'm scared, apprehensive, nervous. ALl this started exactly one year ago this month. I actually have been sort of "reliving" all the trauma of this time last year....my radiation oncologist and medical oncologist say it is a form of Post Traumatic Stress syndrome and is a normal reaction, considering....To those who think I am "fine," I just let it go now.....you can't make people understand what you're going through.
Peace be with you0 -
Ugh!
I think most people can't bear the thought of cancer. They are terrified if it, and prefer not to deal so they jump on 'Gee, you're all better, so get with the program'. In many ways I understand this, but being on the bc side of it, I find myself just waiting to exhale and want to scream at them, 'Stick your head under water and see how long you can hold your breath'. Somehow, I don't think it would translate.....
Sue0 -
Sue I love your "scream". Isbmly53 said:Ugh!
I think most people can't bear the thought of cancer. They are terrified if it, and prefer not to deal so they jump on 'Gee, you're all better, so get with the program'. In many ways I understand this, but being on the bc side of it, I find myself just waiting to exhale and want to scream at them, 'Stick your head under water and see how long you can hold your breath'. Somehow, I don't think it would translate.....
Sue
Sue I love your "scream". I may use that some day. I dont want sympathy but I do not want anyone to diminish what I have been thru and continue to go thru. Like I've said before this isnt a surgery and then you recuperate and all is well. This is a long hard process and surgery is one of the easier components of our treatment. Unless you've walked this walk, it is incomprehensible. People do not have a clue. We are wounded healers on this website, because we have walked it, know it, and can share and understand.0 -
What is NORMAL??
After 14 years my partner wishes she didn't have to hear about all over. Since my fight she too has lost her mother her best friend so that wound is there as well...
I talk about it because people ask me. I talk about it because I do not want anyone else to go through what I did, not being heard. Believe you me my friends now walk into the same facility that didn't even diagnostically check me and demand action. The all tell my story and get action. I don't have to sue to get satisfaction, repeating the pain is enough.
This is part of who I am just as being a female, mother, daughter, aunt and friend and of coarse lesbian cannot leave that one out lol.
Life is truly what we make it and letting others control how we feel won't do us any good. WE own them not them. We live with fears not them... We move forward the best that we can and none of us want to stay stuck in it all. Who would want to?
It took 7 long years before I had a life to live...
Now another 7 have gone by thankfully knowing what feeling good is all about only to face more in that mirror of mine. The train of life keeps rolling along and either you are on the train or you are off of it no in between my friends.
Hugs
Tara0 -
I fought the same battle....
And, I had a sit-down with my beau. I told him that I understood that HE didn't want to deal with cancer anymore. But I needed to do stuff still to heal my spirit. So, I went to my Relay for Life, and volunteered with ACS as a Legislative Ambassador (BTW, that's a big committment, for 2 years, but VERY rewarding!).
He only had to hear 'cancer' when I invited him to Celebration on the Hill in Washington, D.C. He went, but I put a gag order on him to not diss the whole experience, and he went his way while I was involved during the day, then we rehooked for dinner.
With the subject not being discussed anymore, he relaxed and actually came around to feeling good about it...even came to a Relay where I was giving the Luminaria speech.
Our loved ones are there when it counts, to share the horror, but then want to tuck it firmly behind them at the earliest opportunity. I did what I needed to to heal my soul, as well as my body, and now 4 years later I still attend my Relays, but feel that cancer has a place in my past...without working thru it, tho, I would have been stuck in the moment..
My beau was wise enough to let me be, knowing that time was on his side. I was honest with him, but also knew that it had been a BIG trauma for him...he had to face the thought of me dying...
BIG hugs, Kathi0 -
Chrisorpinel
You are
Chrisorpinel
You are stronger than your husband, that's just a fact. I have found out thru the cancer journey that you just can't lean on some people. Doesn't mean they aren't good people, they just can't handle the stress-pressure. You love them but they just can't be the emotional supportive type of guy.0 -
Welcome to our Club! I have
Welcome to our Club! I have come to realize that generally speaking, and I of course mean no disrespect to the amazing, supportive men in many of our lives, but "Women Nurture, and Men Fix"...when men can't fix ( as in the case of BC, or any other life-altering disease) they oftentimes abdicate, get angry, ignore, or even walk away. As women, and again, this is general, we know what to do for our sisters...we organize car-pools, we babysit, we make casseroles, we cry, we have "Girls Days"; in short, we nurture! This is not to say that there aren't women out there who are dismissive or downright B.itchy and non-supportive! But by and large, men and women simply react differently.
Some time ago I posted a topic here on the BC boards called Welcome to Hogwarts, which kind of accurately describes the situation we find ourselves in. If you type that title into the BC search, it will pop up for you. I hope, that if you do find/read it, that it will help you understand and maybe even ignore the "thems" and hold on to the "us"! LOL
Hugs to you!
Chen♥0 -
Chris, I've realized a lotchenheart said:Welcome to our Club! I have
Welcome to our Club! I have come to realize that generally speaking, and I of course mean no disrespect to the amazing, supportive men in many of our lives, but "Women Nurture, and Men Fix"...when men can't fix ( as in the case of BC, or any other life-altering disease) they oftentimes abdicate, get angry, ignore, or even walk away. As women, and again, this is general, we know what to do for our sisters...we organize car-pools, we babysit, we make casseroles, we cry, we have "Girls Days"; in short, we nurture! This is not to say that there aren't women out there who are dismissive or downright B.itchy and non-supportive! But by and large, men and women simply react differently.
Some time ago I posted a topic here on the BC boards called Welcome to Hogwarts, which kind of accurately describes the situation we find ourselves in. If you type that title into the BC search, it will pop up for you. I hope, that if you do find/read it, that it will help you understand and maybe even ignore the "thems" and hold on to the "us"! LOL
Hugs to you!
Chen♥
Chris, I've realized a lot since I was dxed in Sept. 09, and that is most people don't get it when it comes to bc. Outwardly they say the right things (sometimes the wrong words), but no one understands what breast cancer means to us, what it does to our body and soul, day after day. I could only comprehend some because I went thru bc with my mom years ago and saw her agony and anguish. But until it happens to you there is not much understanding. My husband has been there for me every step of the way, but there's times when he can't do anything. Like Chen said, "Men fix", but when they can't it becomes a real problem for them. We have to realize that family and friends want us to get back to normal, get our life back so they can get their lives back too. They want cancer to go away and not touch them, so its hard for us to react the way they want us to. That's why this board is so therapeutic, we who are in this journey together do love, support and inform each other and when it comes right down to it, we're the only ones who understand and can do this. You can count on us always, everyday. Here you can shout, vent, weep, complain and also share joy, love, happiness, all the facets of your life with bc. I hope to be able to give back so much for what I've received from all you beautiful people (women and men) over the coming weeks, months and years. This is where you'll get what you need in this bc battle, so come here often and get to know us better.0 -
Hi Chrisorpinel,
Today is my
Hi Chrisorpinel,
Today is my first day on this web site. I have been struggleing with your question for 8 years that is why I am here today. You are not alone, for me inside it is never over. I got my clean bill of health 3 years ago on my anniversary of surgery, April 1. Now isn't that a memorable day? You are the first one I have admitted this struggle to. I don't have any advice but I do understand.
Some times those that are close have a more difficult time adjusting to the cancer patient's body and life change but so thankful it is over, to them. Not talking about the cancer or asking how you are feeling unfortunatley is their cooping mechanizam.
I do sincerely hope your husband is very supportive of your masectomy and loves you for you.0 -
I thought I had it bad whenchrisorpinel said:what started it all was
what started it all was because my husband hurt his back... when i had my reconstructive surgery, that was a very longgggggggggggggggggggggggggggg 8 weeks of recovery.. but i would do it all over again. don't have implants my breasts are natural and they are a part of me... dont think i will have the nipple reconstructive surgery. the issue is that i never complained i always did what i needed to do... if i could get up and move around i would, even if it was just a few steps... and of course all he did was lay in bed and not move and just complain that his back hurt and to leave him alone. ugh... ugh... i know it doesn't sound right. but it just bothers me how i was a big girl and went thru everything i had to and didn't complain about why i ended up having to do this, i just did it.
I thought I had it bad when my husband came down with shingles while I was going through rad, which means I missed catching his problem and sending him to the doc. As my slow cooking went on his misery got worse to where I was taking care of him. One day a neighbor came to the door to ask my husband something but I ended up answering the door. Boy did I scare the daylight out of him, standing there bald, looking like death warmed over, he never did come back. When I climbed back into bed I told my husband if there was ever a time in our lives where we needed a Nurse/Maid this was it and we both just laughed, which we still do a lot of. Our husbands are there to hold our hands, but we still take care of them regardless. Hang in there it only gets better....0 -
Wow your writing reminds me
Wow your writing reminds me so much of me have not had as much as you...but cancer is scary and I have been in remission 2 years I still think what if Im in constant pain and husband seems to think that exercise will make evrything go away! It doesnt by the way. My feelings are this This very bad thing happened to us we have to live with pain,thinking about reaccurance being scared everytime you go for your 3 month check up I think it gets better but the terror of the horriable cancer will always be there for me! Prayer has helped me and there are some great books to share with your family on cancer surviors- let me know if you want the names I have bunch!!!I hope you find peace in knowing you are not alone - now I have tears
lets talk again im here for you! My saying in the morning now is May I begin this day light of heart and full of spirit. We are all sisters in this.Bless you! 0 -
We're Just Startingbickeyb said:Wow your writing reminds me
Wow your writing reminds me so much of me have not had as much as you...but cancer is scary and I have been in remission 2 years I still think what if Im in constant pain and husband seems to think that exercise will make evrything go away! It doesnt by the way. My feelings are this This very bad thing happened to us we have to live with pain,thinking about reaccurance being scared everytime you go for your 3 month check up I think it gets better but the terror of the horriable cancer will always be there for me! Prayer has helped me and there are some great books to share with your family on cancer surviors- let me know if you want the names I have bunch!!!I hope you find peace in knowing you are not alone - now I have tears lets talk again im here for you! My saying in the morning now is May I begin this day light of heart and full of spirit. We are all sisters in this.Bless you!
We are just starting and people think it's over because my wife's surgery was last week. I know that it's just starting, and that it will never end. Right now we are praying for clear margins (our follow up visit with the surgeon is on Friday). My wife is having an emotional down day and all I can do is send her some texts to console her; not as effective as hugs. Anyway, my wife is enjoying a book: Cancer Is A **** - or I'd Rather Be Having a Mid-Life Crisis by Gail Konop Baker.
I didn't know the B-word would be censored!0
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