Frustrated or just frightened?
My problem is that I am showing more signs of mental fatique....I see huge changes in him both physically and mentally almost daily....
His most prominent problem at present is the onset of lymphedema of his legs....which does resolve some with constant elevation....last night I woke at 2am to find him sitting up blindly watching the TV with both feet blown up like balloons...he was unaware....I got angry....after which I felt terrible.
His respiratory status is declining at lightening speed and O2 is in use most of the time....
His appetite is near zero....losing weight at a rapid rate...every meal time is a gut wrenching thing for me....knowing that he is not going to eat....or if so very little....
His pain is managed with Duragesic/Percocet...but the meds king of keep him in a "fog"..which is good for him...but I missed interacting with him.
I don't know if what I am feeling is frustration or fear of the future..but I am showing more and more out right anger at times in his presence....and it tears me up....none of this is his fault.
I went the other day and made his final arrangements...that was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my whole life....but it needed doing and as with eveything else now a days it was my task to do....I didn't want to wait until he passed because I know I will be emotionally off in the ditch when that occurs and I wanted a calm head when dealing with the funeral home.
My DR did strongly suggest that I start antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds....but I am resisting that right now...I don't want to be zoned out....but I am having trouble handling my emotions....
Cancer has taken over our home...everyday is a mirror image of the day before....people in my small support group tell me that I am surprising them everyday with my "ability" to handle things....but during my alone time...I am not so much in control....the Cancer is!
So am I frustated or just scared to death of losing my best friend....and how do I just get my head around all of this.....and how do I re-direct the episodes of anger that bubble up....I don't want him to be the object of my anger....none of this is his fault....
I wanted to make his final months peaceful and stressfree for him....its all I ever wanted..but I seem to be losing control over my emotions.....
Bingles
Comments
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losing it
Your frustration, fear, and anger are quite normal. As are anxiety and even depression. Often when we as survivors are dealing with cancer, facing mortality, struggling with treatment and the consequences of treatment and the disease, we can forget that our caregivers are experiencing issues just as difficult as our own in many ways.
I would argue, in fact, that in some ways, in some circumstances, the caregiver experience is even more difficult.
I agree with mr steve that you should reconsider the medication (and maybe even therapy) for depression/anxiety. They are typically NOT designed to zone you out as you fear but, instead, to permit you to allay your anxiety, to counter any depression that has settled in, while allowing you to live productively (but without as much stress). Many of these meds work best, it seems, in conjunction with therapy, so do consider that option as well: it is good to have an unbiased, objective ear to talk to. Some folks even indicate that they feel they can vent with their therapist without feeling the guilt they might feel when talking to family and friends.
Otherwise, I think you are wise to get final arrangements behind you.
In the meantime, consider home hospice as an option that might help both you and your husband if it is available. This is not abandoning your primary caregiver role, it is not caving in. It is, rather, allowing a professional to visit on a regular basis to assist with hub's care, giving you perhaps the opportunity to make some time for yourself, something you should NOT feel guilty about.
To be a good caregiver, one needs to take good care of the giver. DO make time for yourself; DO NOT be consumed 24-7 by the disease.
Hang in there! Sensing that you are losing control of your emotions probably means that you are really not, that you recognize really that you need to do something BEFORE you do. The best thing, in my opinion, is to make sure you take care of yourself during these troubling times.
Take care,
Joe0 -
Medicationssoccerfreaks said:losing it
Your frustration, fear, and anger are quite normal. As are anxiety and even depression. Often when we as survivors are dealing with cancer, facing mortality, struggling with treatment and the consequences of treatment and the disease, we can forget that our caregivers are experiencing issues just as difficult as our own in many ways.
I would argue, in fact, that in some ways, in some circumstances, the caregiver experience is even more difficult.
I agree with mr steve that you should reconsider the medication (and maybe even therapy) for depression/anxiety. They are typically NOT designed to zone you out as you fear but, instead, to permit you to allay your anxiety, to counter any depression that has settled in, while allowing you to live productively (but without as much stress). Many of these meds work best, it seems, in conjunction with therapy, so do consider that option as well: it is good to have an unbiased, objective ear to talk to. Some folks even indicate that they feel they can vent with their therapist without feeling the guilt they might feel when talking to family and friends.
Otherwise, I think you are wise to get final arrangements behind you.
In the meantime, consider home hospice as an option that might help both you and your husband if it is available. This is not abandoning your primary caregiver role, it is not caving in. It is, rather, allowing a professional to visit on a regular basis to assist with hub's care, giving you perhaps the opportunity to make some time for yourself, something you should NOT feel guilty about.
To be a good caregiver, one needs to take good care of the giver. DO make time for yourself; DO NOT be consumed 24-7 by the disease.
Hang in there! Sensing that you are losing control of your emotions probably means that you are really not, that you recognize really that you need to do something BEFORE you do. The best thing, in my opinion, is to make sure you take care of yourself during these troubling times.
Take care,
Joe
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I fear I will be in the same situation soon. I hope you reconsider the meds. You don't have to be in a "fog". If you are, then they aren't the right ones for you. When my husband was diagnosed, I fell into a serious depression; after some trial and error, we found a prescription that really has made a world of difference. I still have emotions, I feel happy and sad, and I'm not like a zombie.
I'm not trying to convince you to do something you don't want to do, but these medications helped me, so I want you to have all the options possible.
God Bless,
Mysarial0 -
welcome, you are not alone
Hi Bingles,
Welcome to our world of cancer caregivers! Everything you are going through is normal. Just try your best to "think" before you speak out in anger, so you will not feel guilty later. I was a caregiver for my dad, Ray, 71, who beat esophageal cancer, but in December 09, it metastasized to his liver. This he could not beat. He passed away on 3/9/10. My mom was his main caregiver, I was the second caregiver. Mom had it a lot harder than me. She was with him 24/7. She learned that she had to bite her tongue many many times, so to not hurt my dad's feelings. Even down to the day he passed away, she was fighting with him to go to the hospital. He told her no, he was not going, he was ready to give up and go home to our Lord. She was very nasty, cursing, and refused to say she was sorry. That night, he passed away. She regrets that everyday. A lot of time the cancer patient is in such pain, they take their pain meds, my dad took oxycodone and morphine, the pain meds make them so out of it, they do not know what they are saying or doing.
I agree that you should for yourself see some kind of therapy, some anxiety meds, or anti depressent meds. These will help you stay more calm, and easy going. I take one that is for depression and anxiety. Talking to someone will most definitely help you. I also recommend you starting a journal. A daily journal. We did this. We started a family journal. Me, mom and dad would write in it every day. See if your husband would like to do this as well. It was very helpful. Most of us keep our true feelings inside, we do not know how to express them. We find it easier to express them on paper. My mom and dad learned so much about each other that they never knew in their 51 years of marriage! Dad never told mom he was sorry. Well...he sure did on paper. This made mom feel wonderful!
From one caregiver to another, this is one long and winding road, do your best, show your husband and tell your husband how much you love him, make these last few days, weeks, months, the best they ever were. Cherish these last moments. Tell each other everything you need to tell. The best of luck to you and your husband. We will be thinking and praying for you. Keep in touch.
Tina0 -
Not Alone
I can assure you that you are not alone with your feelings. My guess is that you are both frustrated and scared. I know I was both of those things and more in the weeks before I lost my husband. We had been married for 42 years, and I could not imagine life without him. Meal times were a constant problem. seeing him waste away was very hard. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. If your dr. has suggested meds don't be afraid of trying them. You can't help your husband if you don't help yourself first. You have some tough days ahead. I hope you have friends and family to support both of you. Take care, Fay0 -
Just a follow-upgrandmafay said:Not Alone
I can assure you that you are not alone with your feelings. My guess is that you are both frustrated and scared. I know I was both of those things and more in the weeks before I lost my husband. We had been married for 42 years, and I could not imagine life without him. Meal times were a constant problem. seeing him waste away was very hard. Do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. If your dr. has suggested meds don't be afraid of trying them. You can't help your husband if you don't help yourself first. You have some tough days ahead. I hope you have friends and family to support both of you. Take care, Fay
First....Thanks from the bottom of my heart for all of your reponses....each one resonated bits and pieces of what I know is true...
That being said...yesterday turned out to be a wonderful day....all of our hospice team made visits ( it was a long day
)....they all had thoughts and ideas pertaining to my current issues....the nurse felt that Bill's pain is not being adequately mangaged ( much to my surprise) its felt that he does not outwardly show pain...so it manifests itself in other ways....changes in demeanor and such....the Duragesic was bumped up a bit and we will see....the edema will just be managed **** best we can....and supported my thoughts on the increased 02 use.....it is going to be a day to day thing.
They Chaplain had lots to say about my "anger" issues....and while he supported my right to feel anger....he suggested I make every effort to divert/re-direct the anger whenever possible....and gave me some reading suggestions.
The social worker touched on the fact that I am trying to be sort of a superwoman at present....trying to be all things to all people....in essence I am running away and trying to hide from the Cancer in the whirl of "keeping busy" and its true...she suggested that I just dial it back and just be the woman Bill married...imperfect though I may be...he didn't marry a perfect woman...he married someone he loved...and that is who he wants to spend time with now.
So yesterday was a good day....nice weather..Bill sat outside a good part of the day...drinking his current beverage of choice...homemade iced tea...looking over the garden...planning some changes for next spring....even wants to order some new bulbs and such...he was so happy and content....and yes he is going to order those bulbs....Will he be with me when it comes time to plant them? most likely not...so guess who will be planting them?
Regarding the medication issue....part of me knows for sure and certain thay I should get something on board....I know the roughest waters are ahead....and in time I will re-evaluate the choice....but right now...I am going to find solace and peace of mind from other sources....and pray that its enough....I always have other options.
Thanks again to all who took the time to respond....it takes a village to handle this Cancer thing....
Bingles0 -
Happy for You Bothbingles said:Just a follow-up
First....Thanks from the bottom of my heart for all of your reponses....each one resonated bits and pieces of what I know is true...
That being said...yesterday turned out to be a wonderful day....all of our hospice team made visits ( it was a long day )....they all had thoughts and ideas pertaining to my current issues....the nurse felt that Bill's pain is not being adequately mangaged ( much to my surprise) its felt that he does not outwardly show pain...so it manifests itself in other ways....changes in demeanor and such....the Duragesic was bumped up a bit and we will see....the edema will just be managed **** best we can....and supported my thoughts on the increased 02 use.....it is going to be a day to day thing.
They Chaplain had lots to say about my "anger" issues....and while he supported my right to feel anger....he suggested I make every effort to divert/re-direct the anger whenever possible....and gave me some reading suggestions.
The social worker touched on the fact that I am trying to be sort of a superwoman at present....trying to be all things to all people....in essence I am running away and trying to hide from the Cancer in the whirl of "keeping busy" and its true...she suggested that I just dial it back and just be the woman Bill married...imperfect though I may be...he didn't marry a perfect woman...he married someone he loved...and that is who he wants to spend time with now.
So yesterday was a good day....nice weather..Bill sat outside a good part of the day...drinking his current beverage of choice...homemade iced tea...looking over the garden...planning some changes for next spring....even wants to order some new bulbs and such...he was so happy and content....and yes he is going to order those bulbs....Will he be with me when it comes time to plant them? most likely not...so guess who will be planting them?
Regarding the medication issue....part of me knows for sure and certain thay I should get something on board....I know the roughest waters are ahead....and in time I will re-evaluate the choice....but right now...I am going to find solace and peace of mind from other sources....and pray that its enough....I always have other options.
Thanks again to all who took the time to respond....it takes a village to handle this Cancer thing....
Bingles
Dear Bingles and Bill,
So great to hear that you both had a wonderful day! Enjoy the sunshine and that homemade iced tea! (best kind to have) Keep up the good work, and keep us updated. Glad to be of help to you. Anytime!
Tina0 -
Hold on to the Memoriesbingles said:Just a follow-up
First....Thanks from the bottom of my heart for all of your reponses....each one resonated bits and pieces of what I know is true...
That being said...yesterday turned out to be a wonderful day....all of our hospice team made visits ( it was a long day )....they all had thoughts and ideas pertaining to my current issues....the nurse felt that Bill's pain is not being adequately mangaged ( much to my surprise) its felt that he does not outwardly show pain...so it manifests itself in other ways....changes in demeanor and such....the Duragesic was bumped up a bit and we will see....the edema will just be managed **** best we can....and supported my thoughts on the increased 02 use.....it is going to be a day to day thing.
They Chaplain had lots to say about my "anger" issues....and while he supported my right to feel anger....he suggested I make every effort to divert/re-direct the anger whenever possible....and gave me some reading suggestions.
The social worker touched on the fact that I am trying to be sort of a superwoman at present....trying to be all things to all people....in essence I am running away and trying to hide from the Cancer in the whirl of "keeping busy" and its true...she suggested that I just dial it back and just be the woman Bill married...imperfect though I may be...he didn't marry a perfect woman...he married someone he loved...and that is who he wants to spend time with now.
So yesterday was a good day....nice weather..Bill sat outside a good part of the day...drinking his current beverage of choice...homemade iced tea...looking over the garden...planning some changes for next spring....even wants to order some new bulbs and such...he was so happy and content....and yes he is going to order those bulbs....Will he be with me when it comes time to plant them? most likely not...so guess who will be planting them?
Regarding the medication issue....part of me knows for sure and certain thay I should get something on board....I know the roughest waters are ahead....and in time I will re-evaluate the choice....but right now...I am going to find solace and peace of mind from other sources....and pray that its enough....I always have other options.
Thanks again to all who took the time to respond....it takes a village to handle this Cancer thing....
Bingles
Hold on to those good memories. I am amazed by how many of those good day memories come back now to help me deal with my loneliness. I had lunch with a good friend yesterday and we talked about those. My husband had a 6 year battle with cancer. We were really blessed with and during that time. When things get a little rough at times now, I can remember the many good times we had then and throughout our time together. The good days are precious. Speaking of gardening, my husband had a lawn put in shortly before he passed. I hate mowing and had resisted the lawn for the last 30 years. Now I have a lawn to care for. Thank goodness I have found someone to mow it for now. Even that is a good memory, though. My wish for you is that you have more good days and can make many good memories. Fay0 -
Hello Again.....grandmafay said:Hold on to the Memories
Hold on to those good memories. I am amazed by how many of those good day memories come back now to help me deal with my loneliness. I had lunch with a good friend yesterday and we talked about those. My husband had a 6 year battle with cancer. We were really blessed with and during that time. When things get a little rough at times now, I can remember the many good times we had then and throughout our time together. The good days are precious. Speaking of gardening, my husband had a lawn put in shortly before he passed. I hate mowing and had resisted the lawn for the last 30 years. Now I have a lawn to care for. Thank goodness I have found someone to mow it for now. Even that is a good memory, though. My wish for you is that you have more good days and can make many good memories. Fay
First of all...thanks for all of the kind responses....meant more than I can express...
This Cancer thing is such a huge roller coaster ride....the highs and lows are mind boggling....and exhusting.
As good as the other day was..one of those memory days I am filing away for the future...went so far as to take a sneaky picture of Bill....chilling out under the umbrella...happy and content...today is the polar opposite....his gait is weakening...he is noticably more fatiqued....even the slightest thing is a huge effort for him and the worst part is that there is nothing I can do to help him.
I am finding him making references more and more to his childhood...today he wanted tomato soup and white bread..."just like my grand-ma used to make me"...seems like he is quietly reviewing the happy memories of his life...I know he feels his life slipping away...he is not a guy who shows his emotions freely....but I can tell...and its tearing my heart out.
Hospice is coming tomorrow...I have so many things I want to ask them....none of which I want Bill to hear....I want to know if they are seeing what I am seeing regarding his rapid decline...I feel in my heart that this is going to end sooner than later....I need to know that I am doing the right things for him, because right now I simply don't know.
Another way I know that he is sensing the end is that after we ordered his latest supply of flower bulbs...he was adamant that I know where to plant them....he knows he won't be with me when they need planting...the man loves flowers and his garden and wants to be sure that his garden go on and it will.
I guess right now I am hoping for time.....but I know its in God's hands.
Lord...those good days are more precious than diamonds.
Thanks again for all the good thoughts.
Pat0 -
Let your love guide youbingles said:Hello Again.....
First of all...thanks for all of the kind responses....meant more than I can express...
This Cancer thing is such a huge roller coaster ride....the highs and lows are mind boggling....and exhusting.
As good as the other day was..one of those memory days I am filing away for the future...went so far as to take a sneaky picture of Bill....chilling out under the umbrella...happy and content...today is the polar opposite....his gait is weakening...he is noticably more fatiqued....even the slightest thing is a huge effort for him and the worst part is that there is nothing I can do to help him.
I am finding him making references more and more to his childhood...today he wanted tomato soup and white bread..."just like my grand-ma used to make me"...seems like he is quietly reviewing the happy memories of his life...I know he feels his life slipping away...he is not a guy who shows his emotions freely....but I can tell...and its tearing my heart out.
Hospice is coming tomorrow...I have so many things I want to ask them....none of which I want Bill to hear....I want to know if they are seeing what I am seeing regarding his rapid decline...I feel in my heart that this is going to end sooner than later....I need to know that I am doing the right things for him, because right now I simply don't know.
Another way I know that he is sensing the end is that after we ordered his latest supply of flower bulbs...he was adamant that I know where to plant them....he knows he won't be with me when they need planting...the man loves flowers and his garden and wants to be sure that his garden go on and it will.
I guess right now I am hoping for time.....but I know its in God's hands.
Lord...those good days are more precious than diamonds.
Thanks again for all the good thoughts.
Pat
Pat,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this and I hope you will come back to the board often for comfort and support.
Everyone questions whether they are doing the right thing for their loved ones. I can only tell you that what ever action you take, words you speak, or the things you do for him when you have love and kindness in your heart will be the right thing.
Your husband is very blessed to have such a loving and devoted wife by his side.
Let your love for him guide you in the days to come.
AnnaLeigh0 -
The Bestbingles said:Hello Again.....
First of all...thanks for all of the kind responses....meant more than I can express...
This Cancer thing is such a huge roller coaster ride....the highs and lows are mind boggling....and exhusting.
As good as the other day was..one of those memory days I am filing away for the future...went so far as to take a sneaky picture of Bill....chilling out under the umbrella...happy and content...today is the polar opposite....his gait is weakening...he is noticably more fatiqued....even the slightest thing is a huge effort for him and the worst part is that there is nothing I can do to help him.
I am finding him making references more and more to his childhood...today he wanted tomato soup and white bread..."just like my grand-ma used to make me"...seems like he is quietly reviewing the happy memories of his life...I know he feels his life slipping away...he is not a guy who shows his emotions freely....but I can tell...and its tearing my heart out.
Hospice is coming tomorrow...I have so many things I want to ask them....none of which I want Bill to hear....I want to know if they are seeing what I am seeing regarding his rapid decline...I feel in my heart that this is going to end sooner than later....I need to know that I am doing the right things for him, because right now I simply don't know.
Another way I know that he is sensing the end is that after we ordered his latest supply of flower bulbs...he was adamant that I know where to plant them....he knows he won't be with me when they need planting...the man loves flowers and his garden and wants to be sure that his garden go on and it will.
I guess right now I am hoping for time.....but I know its in God's hands.
Lord...those good days are more precious than diamonds.
Thanks again for all the good thoughts.
Pat
All we can ever do is our best. I know you are doing that. The part that is really hard is that you know, as I did, that even the best won't fix him. As I look back now, though, I realize that even some of those difficult times held good moments and memories that I could not see at the time. Since you have mentioned God, I will offer my prayers for both of you. Both Doug and I felt the prayers of others helping to sustain us. We also turned to prayer to help guide us. Take care of yourself. I know, easier said than done. Blessings, Fay0 -
Time out from anger
I lost my Dale 1 month ago. He told me one day I'm not afraid of dying I'm afraid of leaving you here all alone. He was right it is hard being the one left behind. Anyway I just wanted to tell you that the anger comes from the fear. I only lost my temper 1 time with Dale, it was a night he got up to use the bathroom and he stumped his toe on the coffee table, it made him so mad he started throwing the table around the living room, well there are antiques on that table so I hollored at him to stop. I walked outside and left him sitting there in pain without even checking his toe, took a couple calming breaths then came back in and took care of him. My point is when you feel like that take a time out, breathe and then you are back in control of all these horrible emotions running through you.Cancer is a scary thing and we have every right to feel all the emotions that go along with taking care of the one we love and are going to lose.I pray your husband makes it through the summer with many days of love and laughter.0 -
Updatepanks said:Time out from anger
I lost my Dale 1 month ago. He told me one day I'm not afraid of dying I'm afraid of leaving you here all alone. He was right it is hard being the one left behind. Anyway I just wanted to tell you that the anger comes from the fear. I only lost my temper 1 time with Dale, it was a night he got up to use the bathroom and he stumped his toe on the coffee table, it made him so mad he started throwing the table around the living room, well there are antiques on that table so I hollored at him to stop. I walked outside and left him sitting there in pain without even checking his toe, took a couple calming breaths then came back in and took care of him. My point is when you feel like that take a time out, breathe and then you are back in control of all these horrible emotions running through you.Cancer is a scary thing and we have every right to feel all the emotions that go along with taking care of the one we love and are going to lose.I pray your husband makes it through the summer with many days of love and laughter.
Continued word of thanks for all of the support to be found here....its a God send for certain....
The disease is moving more rapidly than I care to think about....his breathing is so compromised...changes everyday...as I said before its in God's hands now...and while I surely don't want to lose him physically now... I trust that our separation will only be a temporary one..I have to think that or I will completely lose it.
On a brighter note...surely need that at the moment...I am getting to be quite the gardener...Bill says that maybe this will be my new hobby...lol....I gave him "the look"...lets not get carried away..but truth be told it is fun !
On a different front...Bill has been estranged from 4 or his 5 children ( from a previous marriage)...we pondered over how to deal with them...to tell or not to tell....finally we allowed his daughter to tell her siblings of their Dad's current situation...# 1 of the 4 is coming tonight to see his Dad...its been about 5 yrs...so this should be interesting..I felt guilty not telling them and feared an angry backlash after Bill pass's..when they find out he was ill and didn't tell them...so now its all in their hands...but I hope it goes smoothly...and all involved get some sort of closure...time will tell.
Back to my reality....Keep us in your prayers,
Pat0 -
Prayers to you and Billbingles said:Update
Continued word of thanks for all of the support to be found here....its a God send for certain....
The disease is moving more rapidly than I care to think about....his breathing is so compromised...changes everyday...as I said before its in God's hands now...and while I surely don't want to lose him physically now... I trust that our separation will only be a temporary one..I have to think that or I will completely lose it.
On a brighter note...surely need that at the moment...I am getting to be quite the gardener...Bill says that maybe this will be my new hobby...lol....I gave him "the look"...lets not get carried away..but truth be told it is fun !
On a different front...Bill has been estranged from 4 or his 5 children ( from a previous marriage)...we pondered over how to deal with them...to tell or not to tell....finally we allowed his daughter to tell her siblings of their Dad's current situation...# 1 of the 4 is coming tonight to see his Dad...its been about 5 yrs...so this should be interesting..I felt guilty not telling them and feared an angry backlash after Bill pass's..when they find out he was ill and didn't tell them...so now its all in their hands...but I hope it goes smoothly...and all involved get some sort of closure...time will tell.
Back to my reality....Keep us in your prayers,
Pat
Hi Bingles,
This all seems so familiar to me. I just went through this experience with my dad. I believe now that they really do know when their time has come. I can tell you a couple of things that happened with my dad. On the Sunday before he passed, he made sure he was shaved, his hair was washed and brushed, his feet were massaged and lotioned, and he slept all day and night Monday and Tuesday. As soon as we all gave him our blessing that it was ok to give up and go, he peacefully passed Tuesday night at home. We were helping him prepare for his journey. He had to sleep for two days prior to his passing, because he knew he had a long journey ahead of him. Tuesday morning, he made me promise him I would not be taking him to the hospital, he was sooo done with hospitals! I agreed, promised, and we shook on it. I was surprised to see that when I shook his hand, he still had a strong grip, even though he was so dehydrated and weak. I said, Dad, you still have a strong handshake! He looked me right in my eyes with his beautiful blue eyes, and said...."That is what the Lord told me". Oh my gosh!!! talk about getting goose bumps. Wow! At this moment I knew his time had come. Writing this now, brings tears to my eyes. I do miss him tremendously each and every day. But...I am at peace knowing that he is in a better place, and he is not longer suffering or in pain. Hope this helps you accept what you are about to face. Keep us posted. Hugs to you and Bill.
Tina0 -
Prayersbingles said:Update
Continued word of thanks for all of the support to be found here....its a God send for certain....
The disease is moving more rapidly than I care to think about....his breathing is so compromised...changes everyday...as I said before its in God's hands now...and while I surely don't want to lose him physically now... I trust that our separation will only be a temporary one..I have to think that or I will completely lose it.
On a brighter note...surely need that at the moment...I am getting to be quite the gardener...Bill says that maybe this will be my new hobby...lol....I gave him "the look"...lets not get carried away..but truth be told it is fun !
On a different front...Bill has been estranged from 4 or his 5 children ( from a previous marriage)...we pondered over how to deal with them...to tell or not to tell....finally we allowed his daughter to tell her siblings of their Dad's current situation...# 1 of the 4 is coming tonight to see his Dad...its been about 5 yrs...so this should be interesting..I felt guilty not telling them and feared an angry backlash after Bill pass's..when they find out he was ill and didn't tell them...so now its all in their hands...but I hope it goes smoothly...and all involved get some sort of closure...time will tell.
Back to my reality....Keep us in your prayers,
Pat
I will keep you and Bill in my prayers. I hope all goes well with his children. I am sure Bill will be more at peace if he can reconnect. gardening just might be something that helps you. I started crocheting again and it helps me in the evenings. I, too, have a strong faith that keeps me sane. I know I will be seeing Doug again and death is not an end. It is a new beginning, the next stage of our journey. Take care. Blessings, Fay0 -
updategrandmafay said:Prayers
I will keep you and Bill in my prayers. I hope all goes well with his children. I am sure Bill will be more at peace if he can reconnect. gardening just might be something that helps you. I started crocheting again and it helps me in the evenings. I, too, have a strong faith that keeps me sane. I know I will be seeing Doug again and death is not an end. It is a new beginning, the next stage of our journey. Take care. Blessings, Fay
Well the children did respond...well at least 2 out of four...came to the house with spouses and children on Tuesday evening....house was overflowing with happiness and contentment...Bill sat at our table...like a King overseeing his kingdom..he was happy and content....not even one issue....it was like time had stood still....evening went on a bit long....with plans made to keep the new connection going.
I ran out around 10 pm or so to take his daughter home...I was gone about 20 minutes....got home...Bill was happy and very chatty about the evening....zero pain...zero discomfort of any sort.
Around 11 or so...started getting him ready for bed....and within a blink of an eye....he passed away...right there in my arms....no anxiety ...nothing.
His last words to me were "I am ok"...what more can I ask for.
I think he was waiting for some reconcilliation with his kids....he got it !!
So now comes the healing....the kids have been awesome....they are grappling with their own issues...but on a whole they are really ok....they all came over yesterday....went to the funeral home with me to finalize the arrarangements...we had a small simple viewing..a moment to say our final good-byes...or in my case it was more like a 'see ya later'....and today he will be Cremated.
They have all commited to an ongoing relationship with me....and I am so for that!
Bill's final days were in a way magical for him...his wishes for a comfortable passing came to a reality.
I look around the house now....and while its profoundly sad with the lack of his physical presence...I do feel emense comfort...I stuck to the plan...I will admit to waivering slighty at the end and starting to reach to call 911...the fright got me for a second....but I hung in and just held him.
A day of planting is on th horizon....and I won't be doing it alone !
Hospice was a godsend and I am so glad I got him on program right away...it made it so much easier on both of us.
As I said....now comes the healing and the establishment of a "new normal"
He will never be forgotten...he will always be in my heart and cherished.
Thank-you all so much for your support and kindness.
Pat0 -
Sympathybingles said:update
Well the children did respond...well at least 2 out of four...came to the house with spouses and children on Tuesday evening....house was overflowing with happiness and contentment...Bill sat at our table...like a King overseeing his kingdom..he was happy and content....not even one issue....it was like time had stood still....evening went on a bit long....with plans made to keep the new connection going.
I ran out around 10 pm or so to take his daughter home...I was gone about 20 minutes....got home...Bill was happy and very chatty about the evening....zero pain...zero discomfort of any sort.
Around 11 or so...started getting him ready for bed....and within a blink of an eye....he passed away...right there in my arms....no anxiety ...nothing.
His last words to me were "I am ok"...what more can I ask for.
I think he was waiting for some reconcilliation with his kids....he got it !!
So now comes the healing....the kids have been awesome....they are grappling with their own issues...but on a whole they are really ok....they all came over yesterday....went to the funeral home with me to finalize the arrarangements...we had a small simple viewing..a moment to say our final good-byes...or in my case it was more like a 'see ya later'....and today he will be Cremated.
They have all commited to an ongoing relationship with me....and I am so for that!
Bill's final days were in a way magical for him...his wishes for a comfortable passing came to a reality.
I look around the house now....and while its profoundly sad with the lack of his physical presence...I do feel emense comfort...I stuck to the plan...I will admit to waivering slighty at the end and starting to reach to call 911...the fright got me for a second....but I hung in and just held him.
A day of planting is on th horizon....and I won't be doing it alone !
Hospice was a godsend and I am so glad I got him on program right away...it made it so much easier on both of us.
As I said....now comes the healing and the establishment of a "new normal"
He will never be forgotten...he will always be in my heart and cherished.
Thank-you all so much for your support and kindness.
Pat
Pat, You have my sympathy. I understand the peace you are feeling that things did not linger and that Bill was able to reconnect with his children. Doug's one primary wish toward the end was to go to Yosemite. Once we had done that and he said good bye to those he loved, he, too, passed peacefully. It does give us some peace. You are right that now is a time for healing and readjustment. The person we have been able to share life with is not here. It gets tough at times, but we are strong independent women after all. Hold tight your memories and love. My prayers will be with you. Fay0 -
Sympathybingles said:update
Well the children did respond...well at least 2 out of four...came to the house with spouses and children on Tuesday evening....house was overflowing with happiness and contentment...Bill sat at our table...like a King overseeing his kingdom..he was happy and content....not even one issue....it was like time had stood still....evening went on a bit long....with plans made to keep the new connection going.
I ran out around 10 pm or so to take his daughter home...I was gone about 20 minutes....got home...Bill was happy and very chatty about the evening....zero pain...zero discomfort of any sort.
Around 11 or so...started getting him ready for bed....and within a blink of an eye....he passed away...right there in my arms....no anxiety ...nothing.
His last words to me were "I am ok"...what more can I ask for.
I think he was waiting for some reconcilliation with his kids....he got it !!
So now comes the healing....the kids have been awesome....they are grappling with their own issues...but on a whole they are really ok....they all came over yesterday....went to the funeral home with me to finalize the arrarangements...we had a small simple viewing..a moment to say our final good-byes...or in my case it was more like a 'see ya later'....and today he will be Cremated.
They have all commited to an ongoing relationship with me....and I am so for that!
Bill's final days were in a way magical for him...his wishes for a comfortable passing came to a reality.
I look around the house now....and while its profoundly sad with the lack of his physical presence...I do feel emense comfort...I stuck to the plan...I will admit to waivering slighty at the end and starting to reach to call 911...the fright got me for a second....but I hung in and just held him.
A day of planting is on th horizon....and I won't be doing it alone !
Hospice was a godsend and I am so glad I got him on program right away...it made it so much easier on both of us.
As I said....now comes the healing and the establishment of a "new normal"
He will never be forgotten...he will always be in my heart and cherished.
Thank-you all so much for your support and kindness.
Pat
First it wouldn't post. Then it triples. Sorry0 -
Sympathybingles said:update
Well the children did respond...well at least 2 out of four...came to the house with spouses and children on Tuesday evening....house was overflowing with happiness and contentment...Bill sat at our table...like a King overseeing his kingdom..he was happy and content....not even one issue....it was like time had stood still....evening went on a bit long....with plans made to keep the new connection going.
I ran out around 10 pm or so to take his daughter home...I was gone about 20 minutes....got home...Bill was happy and very chatty about the evening....zero pain...zero discomfort of any sort.
Around 11 or so...started getting him ready for bed....and within a blink of an eye....he passed away...right there in my arms....no anxiety ...nothing.
His last words to me were "I am ok"...what more can I ask for.
I think he was waiting for some reconcilliation with his kids....he got it !!
So now comes the healing....the kids have been awesome....they are grappling with their own issues...but on a whole they are really ok....they all came over yesterday....went to the funeral home with me to finalize the arrarangements...we had a small simple viewing..a moment to say our final good-byes...or in my case it was more like a 'see ya later'....and today he will be Cremated.
They have all commited to an ongoing relationship with me....and I am so for that!
Bill's final days were in a way magical for him...his wishes for a comfortable passing came to a reality.
I look around the house now....and while its profoundly sad with the lack of his physical presence...I do feel emense comfort...I stuck to the plan...I will admit to waivering slighty at the end and starting to reach to call 911...the fright got me for a second....but I hung in and just held him.
A day of planting is on th horizon....and I won't be doing it alone !
Hospice was a godsend and I am so glad I got him on program right away...it made it so much easier on both of us.
As I said....now comes the healing and the establishment of a "new normal"
He will never be forgotten...he will always be in my heart and cherished.
Thank-you all so much for your support and kindness.
Pat
Sorry0 -
Thank-you Fay....its beengrandmafay said:Sympathy
Pat, You have my sympathy. I understand the peace you are feeling that things did not linger and that Bill was able to reconnect with his children. Doug's one primary wish toward the end was to go to Yosemite. Once we had done that and he said good bye to those he loved, he, too, passed peacefully. It does give us some peace. You are right that now is a time for healing and readjustment. The person we have been able to share life with is not here. It gets tough at times, but we are strong independent women after all. Hold tight your memories and love. My prayers will be with you. Fay
Thank-you Fay....its been tough....out of the blue the tears flow....so many little things bring on a flood of emotions..like finding a pair of his socks in the laundry...but I know when he left me he was peaceful and at ease with things.
The kids have been wonderful....
Going to give myself a few weeks and than get back to the matter of living..which is what Bill wanted me to do.
Thank-you again for your kind words.
Pat0
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