Fifth Anniversary

I'm now just 6 months shy of my fifth anniversary from my initial diagnosis - 1B NSC lung that, after lobectomy surgery revealed spread to distant lymph nodes, turned overnight into 3B NSC lung. Radiation for 8 weeks and chemo for 4 months and good as gold by April, 2006. But with every anniversary there's so much underlying fear. My doc says that if I can make 5 years I've as good a chance as anyone of never having a remission. Now I'm wondering if that's 5 years from diagnosis or from end of treatment!

Okay, I'm not normally a negative person. If anything, I tend to the opposite. I didn't fight my cancer, and I didn't go to war with my faith. The day I was diagnosed my wife was 6 months pregnant with our first, and we've since given her two little sisters, so I think I'm going to be around for a while. But I do keep my life insurance paid up, and I do make sure that if anything breaks it gets fixed to last, and I do still have this amazing fear every time an anniversary approaches.

I know, I'm still here. And I know I'm so damn lucky to even be able to watch my girls grow. And I do know how frightening this all can be on the early side of this equation - and how it feels to be going through the treatments, so I feel bad even posting here, but I do need to ask - does this fear go away? It's not everyday, and, in fact, it's not all that often at all. But there are days - 2, 3 or 4 a year - when it's just so oppressive - when it feels like my luck could just run out! So, on days like today, these oh so rare days when I can't hear God laugh and I haven't the courage to buy green bananas I've just got to ask - does the fear ever go away?