Emotional too!

tgf
tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Seems like several of us are going through some tough times emotionally. I know I shouldn't complain ... but ... I really need to vent. No one really needs to read this ... I just need to get it "out."

I'm 66. I had a lumpectomy 1/21/09... and did GREAT! Had chemo (taxol/herceptin) infusions ... all the side-effects were totally manageable and I did GREAT! Did radiation ... and did GREAT! Now I'm on tamoxifen ... and doing GREAT!!! I work full time and through all of this I have only missed 2 days ... one for the lumpectomy and one to have the port installed. Yep ... I've done just GREAT!!!! Physically. But ... emotionally ... I think "it" is just now hitting me. I had my last herceptin 5 weeks ago ... and things sort of "hit" me then. No more treatment. I wasn't going to have people do things to me or for me ... to take care of me. It was all going to be up to me. Other than routine doctor visits and tests ... and tamoxifen ... it was going to be up to me ... and I don't feel competent. Yesterday I went for my diagnostic mammogram on the lumpectomy boob ... and was almost disappointed that they didn't find anything. I was half-way hoping that there might at least be something they needed to check with an ultra-sound ... just to be sure. But ... no ... there wasn't anything to check. Everything looks fine and I don't need to go back for 6 months.

Someone wrote a few weeks ago that she felt as though she'd been sent "adrift" ... and that's exactly how I feel. Lost. Maybe part of it has to do with the fact that I am alone. I have friends ... and co-workers ... but when I go home ... it's just me and the 2 cats. Sometimes I'd just like someone to give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be OK. Instead ... I've been telling myself that for over a year. Once I got the diagnosis I just sort of went on "automatic pilot" and just marched my way through everything ... and did GREAT!!! Physically. I guess I'm just slow ... and maybe it's all just now hitting me. Yep ... I was strong and brave ... and all of that stuff ... but now I feel totally helpless. It's up to me and my body. No one else is doing anything.

I know I shouldn't be complaining because ... no one is doing anything because nothing needs to be done. There's no evidence of the disease. Yep ... I'm having a little problem with NED. I've only been taking 1/2 of the dose of effexor ... so maybe it's time for me to take the full thing ... until I can emotionally accept the fact that I am still strong ... and if I could get through the past year ... I can get through this too.

Well ... to any of you who read this note ... thank you. I do know that a HUGE part of the reason I did GREAT (!!!!) this past year was because of this website and all of you wonderful people who have been there for me 24/7. And ... yes ... I do feel all of those cyber hugs. You're the greatest!

love,
teena

Comments

  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #2
    Time will help. Here is
    Time will help. Here is another cyber hug for you. ((hug))
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    #3
    I understand completely.
    Hi Teena,

    My situation is similar to yours. I went through my treatments and everything was very smooth. When everything was done, there was a let down. Nothing more I could do to keep myself well and all those people who were going to be sure I stayed well were gone. I see my oncologist every three months and hope for the best. I don't miss the pain of the treatments but I do feel alone in my work to stay healthy. I have really impoved my lifestyle and I'm really glad to have this site to keep my head on straight but cancer is scarey and my health care team has set me free. I'll be fine as I put cancer behind me but it will take time. It's been a year and it is easier but I totally get what you are feeling. Hugs.

    Roseann
  • cats_toy
    cats_toy Member Posts: 1,462 Member
    #4
    big hugs to you
    Teena, we all need hugs no matter how well we go through our treatments. I too did great through everything, never took time off for anything but the actual surgical procedures, but guess what? You had cancer! You went through things most will never understand. You survived it all! You have a right to feel helpless every once in awhile, or even more if needed. And no matter how strong we are (and yes, we are!), it's always nice to have a hug.
    So, big hugs to you (hope I didn't hurt you), and you are more than OK, you are a warrior like no other, and you rock!
    Give your kitties big hugs too.
    Cat
  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #5
    Hug
    Here's another cyber hug. I think probably more of us feel like you do than we would imagine. Like you I went through everything and did great. My husband would tell everyone who asked that "she's doing great" and I was. My granddaughters (17 & 14 who live with us) thought I did great. Now that all I'm doing is taking femara once a day and going back every six months, it seems like emotionally I'm falling apart. I cry at the drop of a hat and it feels like it's just now hitting me that I had cancer.

    I guess the good part is just like you I get to say "I HAD cancer." Know you're not alone. We love you. Also, it's so comforting to have a cat (or four) curl up around you at night and start purring.
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    #6
    100 cyber Hugs coming your
    100 cyber Hugs coming your way--just feel them and relax. I'm still in treatment, but do know that this is both a physical and emotional drain.
  • step@atime
    step@atime Member Posts: 17
    #7
    Oh, Dear Friend, I'm there!!!
    It's funny, we've survived. We're amazing. We're "heroes." We're......alone--kind of. We aren't alone, but there is DEFINITELY a let down after you're done. What now? For those who have done the "Walk to Emmaus" religious weekend, these are our "fourth days." We're learning how to life our new normal. Okay, you were great. Super. Now, you ARE a new great. Time, effexor, and I'm still searching too, are going to fix this. I just know it. Sometimes knowing you are not alone is the perfect cure. Each of our journeys were different, but our paths were parallel. I'm sending you a big wave across the miles. Sister, we're better than great!
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #8
    step@atime said:

    Oh, Dear Friend, I'm there!!!
    It's funny, we've survived. We're amazing. We're "heroes." We're......alone--kind of. We aren't alone, but there is DEFINITELY a let down after you're done. What now? For those who have done the "Walk to Emmaus" religious weekend, these are our "fourth days." We're learning how to life our new normal. Okay, you were great. Super. Now, you ARE a new great. Time, effexor, and I'm still searching too, are going to fix this. I just know it. Sometimes knowing you are not alone is the perfect cure. Each of our journeys were different, but our paths were parallel. I'm sending you a big wave across the miles. Sister, we're better than great!

    now back to "normal" life
    now back to "normal" life what to do? I plan on getting myself physically healthy , nutritionally and body. setting a goal other than cancer might help to get you back into life. Plan something to look forward to. take a class. You have worked so hard to be well congrats. More Hugs.
  • ssb34
    ssb34 Member Posts: 8
    #9
    step@atime said:

    Oh, Dear Friend, I'm there!!!
    It's funny, we've survived. We're amazing. We're "heroes." We're......alone--kind of. We aren't alone, but there is DEFINITELY a let down after you're done. What now? For those who have done the "Walk to Emmaus" religious weekend, these are our "fourth days." We're learning how to life our new normal. Okay, you were great. Super. Now, you ARE a new great. Time, effexor, and I'm still searching too, are going to fix this. I just know it. Sometimes knowing you are not alone is the perfect cure. Each of our journeys were different, but our paths were parallel. I'm sending you a big wave across the miles. Sister, we're better than great!

    I feel the same let down. I
    I feel the same let down. I went through all the treatments fine. I started menopause through that time. Everyone tells me its the "chemopause" causing these feelings. I'm glad to know I'm not alone
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #10
    Dear Teena
    So sorry you're feeling down. I know you've been such a great supporter of others on this board, I'm hoping some of us can now return the favor.

    I like Carkris' idea of taking the opportunity to start something new. A new class, a new routine, a new diet, plans for a vacation. Anything to help put the focus on the future again. I think all of us focus so much on our battle, it is hard to know what to do once the battle is over, even if we've come out as the victor.

    Sending lots of cyber hugs,
    Cindy
  • kms3566
    kms3566 Member Posts: 57
    #11
    Many hugs to you!
    Teena, I too had an emotional post, and day, recently. Mine is a bit different in that I have only had 2 of 6 TAC treatments, but everything just all the sudden hit me a few days ago, cancer, surgery, treatment, the constant DR visits...I know if you made it through that mess you to will come through this part better than before! Many cyber hugs to you and I pray for you to be stronger each day!
    karen
  • aisling8
    aisling8 Member Posts: 1,627 Member
    #12
    kms3566 said:

    Many hugs to you!
    Teena, I too had an emotional post, and day, recently. Mine is a bit different in that I have only had 2 of 6 TAC treatments, but everything just all the sudden hit me a few days ago, cancer, surgery, treatment, the constant DR visits...I know if you made it through that mess you to will come through this part better than before! Many cyber hugs to you and I pray for you to be stronger each day!
    karen

    and here's one more hug
    I'm still in rads (doing great!!) and I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but I know what it's like to do great:) and suck it up and all the stuff that goes with doing great.

    And I know what it's like to be alone. And I know what it's like to want to say how I feel and be heard. And hugged.

    Here's a hug from sunny California,

    Victoria
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #13
    I think that we feel this
    I think that we feel this way for a couple of reasons. One is that we have gone from actively battling the beast to "back to normal" and we don't feel normal. When we have a team fighting with and for us and we are going to chemo, rads, appointments we know that we are doing our job, kicking the cancer's A$$, but now we take a little pill and that's it. The other reason is that we are not really "back to normal", it's all changed. Sometimes big changed, sometimes just a little, but changed none the less. And for those that might not have a spouse or life partner, or kids, or family close by it is a lonely time as well. You may be right in needing to increase your medicine. I haven't had these feelings this time, but when I had uterine cancer over a year I went on a antidespressant. It lasted for maybe a year or less and then I was feeling my old sassy self. Who knows what triggers these episodes but use whatever helps? Meanwhile, here is a super big cyberhug to a dear lady.
    Stef
  • TraciInLA
    TraciInLA Member Posts: 1,994 Member
    #14
    Teena,
    I know I've said several times on this board that I felt "adrift" after finishing treatment, so it may have been my post you read. It's so difficult to go from focusing all our energy on fighting cancer to focusing on...what?

    It's helped me to focus as much as possible on healthy habits -- I kind of look at it like, I spent all that time (and money!) to get rid of the cancer, now it's my job to do what I can to stay healthy. I walk 30 minutes every day on my lunch hour, am working on getting 5 servings a day of fruits and vegetables (so far, I usually only make it to 3), and have started drinking 3 cups of green tea each day. And exercise has the added benefits of helping with mood and sleep.

    Also Teena, don't underestimate the Tamoxifen. I know it's just a little pill, and not nearly as in your face as chemo, Herceptin, or radiation, but it's a powerful drug, and really does a lot to keep the cancer juju away. When you take that pill every day, know that you ARE still doing something very important to care for yourself.

    And, above all, know that you're NOT adrift -- we're right here with you.

    Traci
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    #15
    I Understand
    You get kind of like separation anxiety once you don't have to go to treatments. It is hard to leave the ties we have made and it is hard to close that chapter of our lives. You got a lot vested in those trips to the cancer center. You've made some close ties, some new friends, and established a routine. It's normal to feel sad. I would take my whole pill though. I am on something and if I forget to take it I get pretty sad. So take your pills, hug your cats, and if you need to talk, you can always private message me.

    P
  • katznc
    katznc Member Posts: 70
    #16
    books to read
    Hi Teena,
    Hugs to you and hang in there. In my quest to get answers I read probably 10 books on breast cancer. Most of them in the library are outdated but you can still gleen a lot of info about food and treatments and drugs. One of the books I read was After Breast Cancer by Musa Mayer (I was looking ahead about what to expect along the whole journey). It had a sticker inside that it was given to my library by the Koman Center so you know its good and by far my favorite book. It is very straight forward but I thought very good with lots of interviews with post treatment women. It said that most women feel just like you do now. So you are not alone. We are all there to listen to you "vent" and be there to support you and give you HUGS, support and from the warriors that are where you are now lots of knowledge!
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #17
    katznc said:

    books to read
    Hi Teena,
    Hugs to you and hang in there. In my quest to get answers I read probably 10 books on breast cancer. Most of them in the library are outdated but you can still gleen a lot of info about food and treatments and drugs. One of the books I read was After Breast Cancer by Musa Mayer (I was looking ahead about what to expect along the whole journey). It had a sticker inside that it was given to my library by the Koman Center so you know its good and by far my favorite book. It is very straight forward but I thought very good with lots of interviews with post treatment women. It said that most women feel just like you do now. So you are not alone. We are all there to listen to you "vent" and be there to support you and give you HUGS, support and from the warriors that are where you are now lots of knowledge!

    Hi Teena
    I can completely understand and sympathize with you. Being myself 12 months out invasive treatment I do not have a good advice for you. I have try hard to come back to normal and find a "new me'. Still feels like I am leaving a double life.
    Sending you a big hug,
    New Flower

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