friends and co-worker issues

TraciInLA said:

We've all had similar experiences
Welcome, and thank you for jumping in and sharing your experiences.

One of the wisest things I read throughout my experience was by Idelle Davidson in the book Your Brain After Chemo -- A Practical Guide to Lifting the Fog and Getting Back Your Focus:

"Cancer doesn't define you. It defines your friends and family."

Can I get an AMEN?!?

I think most of us here have had at least one close friend or family member just "drop off the planet," as I call it, at some point during our treatment. There are so many reasons: It's just too difficult to be around someone with cancer, it scares them to think it could be them next, "compassion fatigue" when we're still in treatment after months and months....I didn't say they were *good* reasons! :-)

In my case, I had two friends who dropped off the planet shortly after my surgery, and were completely absent during chemo and radiation. I've had to look at each friendship individually, and decide whether or not the relationship is worth it to me to sit down and have an honest talk with them about why they pulled away and how it made me feel. I decided that one of the friendships is worth it, but the other isn't.

The most important thing is to keep reminding yourself that IT'S THEIR PROBLEM, it's nothing you've done or didn't do, and it's much more about THEIR hangups and fears and ego than it is about you or your friendship.

As for your co-worker -- she just sounds really petty for being "jealous" that you get all the attention, while her poor gallbladder didn't get any love! Any chance you're within driving distance of Los Angeles? I'd be glad to come slap her for you!

Traci

Made Me Laugh
Traci,

Your last paragraph made me laugh. We are so protective of our sisters!!!!!!

Hugs,
janelle

Aortus said:

GALL BLADDER?
I had my gall bladder removed four years ago. Yes, it had been causing me a lot of pain from time to time. But one December morning I walked into the hospital - and about mid afternoon I was wheeled out minus my gall bladder. In maybe three days I was my old bad self again. A mere drop in the bucket - hell, a mere drop in the oil tanker - compared with what my beloved Moopy went through with her mastectomy, chemo, and radiation.

I wish I could offer you some helpful advice - but I can tell you from my personal experience as a gall bladder patient, your coworker has NOTHING to whine about.

GallBladder
funny Joe, and yes, the co-worker sounds like a jealous twit because she doesn't get as much attention.
I had my gallbladder removed 20 years ago, and believe me, it wasn't easy. I was in so much pain the doc gave me morphine,and set me up for surgery the same day.Cut me open from sternum to the bottom of my ribcage. The gallbladder was so infected, it was attacking my liver and the doc came into recovery scolding me for how long it took me to get looked at, with the pain I had to be in....but, that is not how most people get them removed is it... dummy me...
Cat.

natly15 said:

Your work mate seems to be a
Your work mate seems to be a very needy person. As so many suggested reach out to her with some random act of kindness. You are dealing with BC and she is dealing with the lack of attention and affirmation, poor soul that she is.

I like so many things Traci said. I particularly like that "compassion fatigue" comment. We are not dealing with an operation simple or complicated. You have the surgery, you heal, and your good to go again. Cancer is so different. It is a series of treatments over a period of time. Unfortunately, it doesnt work like surgery for gall bladder, hip replacement, knee surgery etc. People dont understand what we are going thru or have gone thru for treatment. They quit calling because our answers are usually the same. We are still in treatment, either having reactions, or fatigued. We'll be better when we are better and that can be a while. We only wish we could say we are healed after our first treatment. I think thats what some people want to hear.

Any complaints I have are limited to sharing with my husband or these boards. Frankly, I'm really tired of hearing about everyone else's problems. People are so darn needy and I dont have the energy to listen to them anymore. My true friends are very few I have learned thru this cancer process. This is my fault but I have been a sounding board for others' for a very long time. They could care less about me and what I'm going thru. I'm tired of hearing about their backaches, sore ankles and broken marriages. I've allowed it thru the years and now I can see what it has done for me-- not much. I'm grateful for those very few who are true and really do care. I'd like to tell some of those others exactly what I think but I will not.

Sometimes I can come up with
Sometimes I can come up with a snappy retort for these people, always too late and I actually never really could reply that way (although it would be nice). In this case, my imaginary conversation would be to tell that coworker how hard you know it must be for her to see you with all the attention and that you would gladly trade places so that she can be the "center of attention". Gosh, that made me feel better, how about you? But because you have to continue working with her and a hostile work environment is not at all pleasant, perhaps you could simply say that you are sorry she had surgery and you know how tough that is and hope she is mending and doing better. Perhaps that is all she really wants anyone to say. It isn't the same, of course, and the life long ramifications from having cancer leave us with that little cancer voice in the back of our heads but she would never understand that. Perhaps she is only feeling that no one cares that she had surgery or how she is doing. Immature, yes, childish, certainly, justified, not at all. She may feel that people like you more or care more about you because they show concern for you and they didn't for her. She can't really see the difference between a surgery that fixes a problem and it's done and over and a surgery that involves other treatment with side effects and the lifeline possibility of recurrence. I would simply be courteous and cordial. If she has further surgery, give her flowers and kind words. If she has a birthday, a nice card and good wishes. I, personally, would not buy into her poor me attitude. There are other good suggestions here and hopefully you will find one that works for you.
My prayers are for your continued healing and if you receive good wishes, cards, and gifts then so much the better. Anything that lifts the spirit is good.
Stef

This is such a wonderful
This is such a wonderful place to be! Just when I think I am the only one dealing with certain issues (friend and coworker and family), here I know I am not alone! Not one of my siblings has come to visit me, or driven my mom down to see me, or sent a get well card. One of my nieces decided I was lying to my mother about having cancer and posted some really nasty stuff on facebook! Good Grief!!!

I had friends who when I was first diagnosed were all over me - not a peep out of them for the past three months when I could have really used them!

I also work in an elementary school - my assistant does not have one pinch of understanding or compassion in her - and gets extremely annoyed when school families stop to talk to me, asking how I am doing, and what can they do for me.

My mother thinks we are the only dysfunctional family - I reassure her that we are not - there are plenty of others out there.

I am going for my sixth chemo tomorrow - and my family thinks that means I am done. My journey has just started - more chemo, radiation and mastectomy are in my future - but they think I will be back to normal after tomorrow and am holding a pity party for myself since I will not be able to have Easter at my house like I always do! Sheesh!!!!