feeling sad

Holding onto fear
Jan, I can relate. I'm stage 2 with good outcome. Have finished chemo, bilateral mastectomy, etc. Guess we'll always have "it" in the back of our minds. What I hold on to is the fact that none of us ever knows what the future holds. But I know WHO holds the future! A loving God who loves me more than I can ever know holds me and you - and my future and yours - in the palm of His hand. In my weakness, I forget this truth and become fearful but then I'm reminded that all of life is uncertain but that God is in control and I can trust in Him for my future. I read a quote somewhere: Fear is courage that has forgotten to say its prayers. This is so true! Once we put our fears into the hands of the Lord, we can rest peacefully in His care.
I pray that this truth will become engraved on your heart.
Blessings, Beth

Wondering
I am wondering if what we go through is a mental process in healing or coming to terms with our cancer. I equate it to the healing process of losing a dear one. Each one of us has her/his own biological time clock in dealing with a loss. Why not have our own biological time clock in dealing with/accepting the fact that we have cancer.

Always remember that no one is an exact copy of another person. Each one of us will react in a different way to treatment because of our individual body makeup. We have to learn and understand how our body reacts to illness, medicine, treatments, health, etc.

You joined this site in January 2010. Have any of the postings brought you different thoughts to consider?

Don't be mad at yourself. You look very young to me and if you are as young as you look, I can understand even more what your fears and mistrust must be. I think it is time that will heal those fears and mistrust. I hope I am right. Today I am in a complete positive mindset but a few months ago I was not so positive and had some anger.

Try to count your blessings. One blessing that I see that you have is Stage 1. Second blessing that I see is that some of your hair is growing back. Third blessing is that you are half way through chemo.

Just keep posting. Search for exact words to describe how you feel, how you think.

I hope this helps you. There are so many tools to draw from. It just finding the ones that appeal to you and will help you.

Lots of Hugs,
Janelle

sbmly53 said:

Jan
I am back to work after 12/7 surgery & 33 rads. I feel both like it never happened and I feel terrified that it will happen again at any moment, only wworse this time. I feel like the water is lapping at my throat, my chin, my mouth. I have moments when I feel stark terror and moments of pure joy.

I have doubts about my Drs - their advice, not their skill - but I am trusting them with my life. I'm not an A type personality but I definately am a planner, to feel in control - this keeps me spiraling.

I think we all battle many demons. We stall out, speed up, pick ourselves up and beat our own selves back down. I think it's normal, if I can recognize normal anymore.

I believe that as you progress through treatments, you will gain trust and start to climb.
Keep posting and talk to your healthcare providers about your concerns.

Take care,

Sue

I had breast cancer the
I had breast cancer the first time at 34, I am being treated for a new primary. My retired surgeon said it was tincture of time and that is true. Its normal to be afraid, even with a great prognosis. But as the time goes by with good checkups you will gain your confidence and life will take over. the thoughts will be there but easier to rationalize and will not always be at the forfront but move to the back, but it takes time. trust me.

Everybody is different
All of us are different: types of cancer, the ways our bodies react to both the cancer and the myriad variety of treatments, and the ways we react emotionally. When I was in my 20's, I had a serious illness and required surgery. My surgeon told me my fear was because I was facing my mortality. Glad I got that out of the way when I was young :-)

I wasn't afraid when I had to go for "another mammogram & ultrasound," and I wasn't afraid when I needed a biopsy, because I made a conscious decision NOT to worry. Worrying wasn't going to change the pathologist's report, it was only going to make me upset. When the radiologist called me with the results, he had already made an appointment with the surgeon for me. I had a direction and a plan: I was ready for battle. I put myself on the prayer list at church and did a lot of research. That helped me feel more in-control (I'm a recovering control-freak).

I've heard that some chemo treatments don't make you lose your hair (my co-worker's sister-in-law is one example). You should read all you can about your chemo chemicals and about your reconstruction so you know what to expect. Knowledge is power! :-)

BethInAz said:

Holding onto fear
Jan, I can relate. I'm stage 2 with good outcome. Have finished chemo, bilateral mastectomy, etc. Guess we'll always have "it" in the back of our minds. What I hold on to is the fact that none of us ever knows what the future holds. But I know WHO holds the future! A loving God who loves me more than I can ever know holds me and you - and my future and yours - in the palm of His hand. In my weakness, I forget this truth and become fearful but then I'm reminded that all of life is uncertain but that God is in control and I can trust in Him for my future. I read a quote somewhere: Fear is courage that has forgotten to say its prayers. This is so true! Once we put our fears into the hands of the Lord, we can rest peacefully in His care.
I pray that this truth will become engraved on your heart.
Blessings, Beth

Beautifully said..
Beth, your words have been engraved in my heart. Thank you.

Jacki

I agree with most
I agree with most of what has already been said. And I sooo understand your feelings of no control. The only other thing I can think of to suggest is to get a 2nd opinion. It may make you feel more secure by hearing the same thing from 2 different oncologists. However; there is a chance you will get a different opinion which might make you more anxious.

If I understand your journey correctly, it sounds like there is no rush to make a decision. So, take your time, read other warriors comments and then 'go with your gut'.

wishing you the best of luck and feelings of calm.

Hugs, El