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GrandmaJ said:

From one Judy to another...
Your post is so true.... one of my friends called me a "hero"....I am not a hero, I am just trying to get through this. Chemo, lumpectomy and now half way through rads. And, as you said, we might look good on the outside, but the inside is full of fear, doubt and frustration. The only time I forget about all of this is when I spend time with my 2 year old granddaughter, who lives 200 miles away, so I don't see her as often as I need to.

Judy

Wolfi said:

The new normal
Megan,

I know how you feel. A lot of my co-workers don't know about my bc. All they know is that I was gone on medical leave and now I'm back - I didn't tell them why.

One thing that I like to do is sit in meetings and think about how certain people would react if they knew all the stuff I'd gone through in the past ten months. Would they cry, get grossed out, run out of the room screaming, sit and stare at me with their mouth open? I also wonder how many people I meet on the street have had surgeries or other cancer treatments that people don't know about. With all the different types of cancer and other diseases there may be MANY people we see every day that have gone through similar things.

Even though I don't let it bother me most of the time, I think about my bc every day because every day I wake up and get dressed. I am still developing the new me and I think I will be a work in progress for a while. There are days when I cry because I think about how things were before, but then I think about all the wonderful people (including all of you) that I've met only because of my bc. The doctors, nurses, radiation technicians, and other survivors would not have come into my life if I had never gotten cancer.

Your friend will have to deal with the fact she will never get the old you back. She'll just have to get to know the new you and her life will be better for it.

Take care.
Wolfi

LovingLife55 said:

Had to Join In
I just happened upon this from an email and when I read your notes, I knew I had to join in. I am now almost three years out from my original surgery date and I have not really ever talked about this part of the cancer journey with anyone other than my husband. My husband was an incredible caregiver during my treatment, but has brought up several times how I have changed since breast cancer.
One day I finally was able to put into words for him what I was feeling and was so glad to see that many of you feel the same. It was something like this: I think all the time about insect bites, cuts, scrapes or the occasional friend that likes to smack your arm when they say hello. I am a horrible passenger in a car because I don't want the airbag to pop this foreign thing in my chest and the seatbelt, when I am driving, sometimes hurts. I still don't want to watch movies that have death and killing in them. I would love to use my hot tub again and fly without a sleeve on my arm reminding me that I am missing a breast. I don't want to think about that next mammogram. I would love to eat again without a thought in the back of my head that that food gave me cancer.
I totally understand where you are coming. I don't walk around depressed or negative, but I am changed.
I also wanted to share that about three months ago was the first time, since treatment, that I started to feel more clear headed. I was in a study and had 23 weeks of chemo and 6 and a half weeks of radiation. I always felt in a cloud, even after treatment, however now I have actually felt better and seemed more energetic. I have lost weight due to a healthier diet and am embracing the new me.
Megan, Hang in there because you will hit the day that you don't feel so lost.

Skeezie said:

Hi All,
Remember the phrase "Until you've walked a mile in my shoes"? Well I feel it works in reverse. What I mean is, no one can possible even come close to imagining what we, or any big time illness survivor, has gone thru. How could they? In my wildest imagination I could not phathom all the anxiety, pokes, pains, surgeries, sickness from treatments and then all the side effects that are so horrible and on and on, not including the loss of hair, body parts, early menopause plus, plus, plus. I know I couldn't. My niece was dx 3yrs ago next month and although I was there with cards, flowers, concerns and prayers, I truly had no idea until it was me last June. I truly had no clue what I was sympathizing about, but I thought I knew. And when it was "over" and she was in bed still depressed and not taking phone calls, I couldn't possiblly understand. Til last June. When I used to think I could never be that brave, I didn't realize bravery has nothing to do with it. You do what you have to because you want to live. Someone said to me today when we were talking about someone having some illness and I said "Wow, I'm such a whimp etc." and she said not you, you are such a trooper etc. I'm not. Yesterday I hosted a luncheon for 50 of our volunteers and most hadn't seen me since our Xmas fundraiser the beginning of Dec 09 when I was too sick to put on make-up and wore a cap and no wig and they thought they would have to call 911 I looked so awful, tht yesterday (out of treatment since 12-11) that they all came up and hugged me and said how great Ilook and how great my "hiar" looks, all knowing it's a wig, and I was in my glory. I do feel great and I know my wig looks great and it's ok if they don't really know, I don't want them to feel bad for me. I'll do my "grieving" in private and when I'm out I forget and feel like the old me. I hope none of my dear friends ever will understand...that means they would have joined our group.

But here is where we let our hair down, here everyone understands, here is comforting to know it's not only me that feels depressed, or angry etc. Sometimes we just don't feel up to a group and that's ok...before bc I felt that way sometimes anyway. I feel there is no right or wrong way to feel and our moods shift and change and some days some jerky person can really get to us, just can't help it.

I forgive most people because they just don't know...I didn't either. I posted a wonderful video yesterday titled "The girls should be dressed in pink". If you haven't seen it yet, take a look...it's all about us here, it's very moving and I felt very inspired about this group and a few select friends/ relatives "on the outside".

Megan, I'm glad you're feeling better. I don't work so I don't have to put up with the jerks at work anymore and boy there are some real jerks. But they were before bc and we probably ignored them then too.

The sun is shining today and I feel very hopeful...

Hugs, Judy :-)

pinkkari09 said:

I'm with you Megan. I
I'm with you Megan. I believe the old me is gone, and as already stated if people can't accept the new us then we have to just go on. I know that I'm still a good hearted person but I've lost a lot and I will never be the same. We are however better than we were because we are warriors and we have fought the biggest fight anyone can ever fight!! Remember your a beautiful person and you should be accepted for who you are through all of your changes and times of trial.
Mountains of Love and Big Hugs,
~Kari

dash4 said:

thanks...
Thanks for your comments..I was diagnosed 2/1 and surgery 2/16 and now waiting to hear what chemo is being suggested...what kind of chemo did you have? It is good to hear you will get past feeling lost...I have been caregiver for my husband for 5 years and I know in my head that our journeys are nowhere the same in any aspect, but my heart is still having such a tough time seperating the two experiences. It is hard to imagine that I will some day not feel so lost and reassuring to hear those who have gotten there...
MaryKay

e_hope said:

know how you feel
you sound just like my inner thoughts... lost, such a good word!!!! no one can ever understand the feeling unless you've walked this road.

Everyone thinks once treatment is over you "all better" like a broken bone.. 6 weeks and your healed. HaHa..

I was just recently asked, How often do you think about your breast cancer? I laughed out loud at her... EVERYDAY I RESPONDED.. how can I not... I still have mun chi chi hair, eye lashes still aren't completely back and I am covered in scars... All I have to do is look in a mirror to be reminded... somedays I feel like I hardly know the person looking back at me.

What I find interesting in all this is everyone is quick to tell you what to expect while going through treatment and all the fun side effects of all the wonderful drugs we have to take.. but NO ONE ever mentions the deep depression that follows treatment... I feel more lost and depress now than I did when I was diagnosed, then I knew I had a mission ahead of me to fullfill and a plan of action... Now just left with this lingering feeling of WHEN!!!