How to tell a child their parent has cancer....

Devasted
Devasted Member Posts: 185
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
From your experiences, what do you think?
We have one son, thirteen.

Comments

  • luv3jay
    luv3jay Member Posts: 533 Member
    #2
    I think it depends on what
    I think it depends on what stage you are in and, of course, the age of the child. At 13, although he will be able to comprehnd well, he's at that age where his hormones are already running amuck. It was difficult for me to tell my 3 because I was already stage IV, when I was diagnosed. I let them know what the diagnosis was and the treatment plan. I didn't give stats, but I did prepare them for the change in my appearance and sickness. Then I gave them a booklet that I got from my oncs office regarding parents with cancer. Hope this helps.

    -Sheri
  • sheri22
    sheri22 Member Posts: 273
    #3
    He might surprise you
    Devastated
    Sorry bout your ca, actually my son was 13 or 14 when I was first dx with it the first time, I told him about it and stayed optomistic with him He is the one who has dealt with it the best actually. One thing that has really helped him though is
    We have knowen a few other people with this and he sees them doing good he has seen the bad also but we all know there is hope. Just keep in mind you are not dying from ca you are living with it and fighting it, you might want to have him get on this sight with you and see all of the survivors and let him ask questions this is the best sight for hope good luck and take care



    Sheri22
  • Crow71
    Crow71 Member Posts: 679 Member
    #4
    I'm feeling you on this one.
    I'm feeling you on this one. I have a 4 year old son, 8 year old daughter and 10 year old daughter.

    Ella, my 10 year old, hears lots of stuff in school. Lately she has been very concerned about what caused the cancer. I've told her, honestly, that I don't really know what caused it, but that by excising and eating healthy, I can help myself get better. She makes smoothies with juice, keefir, flax seed, frozen berries etc. She always makes sure I get a glass. I think doing something to help makes her feel better.

    My 8 year old Grace is very concerned, but she lives in the moment and is less of a worrier than her sister. Ella is a daddy's girl. I think dealing with cancer has brought Grace and I closer.

    Owen is unbelievably aware for a 4 year old. A while back he told me a story about a bay bear named Owen who was so sad because his daddy died.

    When I was diagnosed in July (Stage IV), we tried to give the kids as much information as we thought they could handle without freaking them out. It's hard because there is such a spread in ages. Kim and I prepared them for what to expect as best we could. They hear things at school from their friends, like, "Yeah. My grandpa died of cancer." That's pretty damn hard for a 10 year old to hear on the playground. When they asked, and ask, if I am going to die, I tell them no. I figure if I'm wrong, that will be the least of their problems. Ella understands that there are different kinds of cancer. It's tougher for Grace. She's so literal. Sophisticated, abstract concepts like cancer are hard for her to understand.

    I could go on and on. I think about this all the time. Your son is 13 and that makes a world of difference between your situation and mine. But I suspect that the worry, the pain, the joy that we feel with our kids is very similar. It gives me a lot of strength to know that there are parents out there who are in the same boat. Let's keep talking.
    Take care,
    Roger
  • just4Brooks
    just4Brooks Member Posts: 980 Member
    #5
    Tell them the truth
    I have three kids, Cody 15, Alexandria 12, and Hunter 4. We all sat down the day after I found out and told the kids. The two older ones did great with it. My little one is a bit young to undersand yet. But he thinks that my "Poop Bag" is very cool!!


    Brooks
  • mark440
    mark440 Member Posts: 63
    #6
    Devastated...
    I have a sixteen year old girl who has lost 2 classmates in the past 6 months to cancer..We tell her evrything that is happening, from every dr. visit to surgery to what is going to happen during chemo.. I feel letting her know what is going on will prevent her from always thinking the worse... I tell her and her sister that they are the reason I am fighting so hard because of the love that I have for them.. Kids today are very mature. .. sometimes it is overwhelming what they deal with everyday at school.. Good luck and im sure you and your family will be fine.. Mark
  • Kerry S
    Kerry S Member Posts: 606 Member
    #7
    germ buckets
    My grandkids (AKA germ buckets) are from 16 to 5. They hear things at home and school. They do connect the dots.

    I have been straight with them from the start. The little ones call me “mean old grandpa”. I have them call me that as they aren’t real sure if they should mess with me with a name like that. It’s fun to mess with their little minds. The two older boys call MOG. The 3 youngest lost their other grandmother a few years back. They don’t like death.

    I think it is important not to BS them on the subject. I told them that I could die from it, but that I was so mean inside I think I can beat it. They are my best cheerleaders in this battle. If it does get me, they know mean old grandpa fought a good fight.

    They even got me signs at Christmas for our trails on the farm. One is “Mean Old Grandpa Trail” and there is also the “Germ Bucket Trail”. They love it.
  • WinneyPooh
    WinneyPooh Member Posts: 318
    #8
    telling kids
    This is my second cancer my kids were 5 and 8 last time i was in treatment for a year, This time 16 and 18, both time i told them the truth the whole truth anytime they asked, and when they would ask if i was going to die i told them no, which was the truth, ( there is the possibility that everyone will die,) Unless you know you will die with in a cerian amount of time beyond no recovery, kids must know you will live, they really can't comprehend the loss of a parent. So don't make them think that unless you are sure you will not live.

    I almost died twice (i mean really close). So when my kids ask, i tell them no.

    Best thing is to let kids ask the questions and answer as truthfully as possible.

    What good about cancer is you really get to spend a good bit more time with your kids.

    Live, Laugh, Play
    Winnie
  • lmchils57
    lmchils57 Member Posts: 59
    #9
    Tell him what is going on
    Tell him what is going on. I can look at this as both the child of a parent with cancer and now as mother with a child that has cancer and how we had to handle telling his sons. I was 13 when my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer and while my mom and dad told me he had cancer, that was about all they told me. This was befoe the day and age of internet so I really did not understand everything. Mom was not good at keeping me up to date on what was going on with my dad, it was years later that I found out how close we came to losing him a couple of times. I have to tell you I really resented them not keeping me posted as to what was going on. I went along like nothing was wrong and was a typical 13yr old girl, had I knew more I would like to think I would have been nicer during that time.
    When my son was diagnosed 3 weeks ago we decided to tell his boys what was going on. Many tried to tell us that was not a good idea as his boys are 5, 7, and 8 but my son did not geel it would be fair to them to not let them know what was going on. My ex daughter-in-law went to the school and told them what was going on, the councilor and she then sat them down and told them what was going on and the coucilor explained the changes they may see in their daddy and kind of emphasized that one way they could help their daddy was to maybe listen a little better most of the time. Of course they are normal little boys and get in trouble but they are more thoughtul now so it helped them we have made sure that if they need to talk about what is happening they are free to talk to us, their daddy, their mom, stepdad and step grandparents. So far they are doing pretty good with it. The youngest one had some problems with it all this weekned so Scott took extra time with him to sit and talk with him and let him know how he wa feeling. Kids are resilient and can handle more then we think a lot of the time. Remember there will be changes he will see and if you do not tell him what is going on he will just be confused and could act out and that will put stress on your life that you do not need. You may find he will be the strength you need at times.
    Linda
  • crazylady
    crazylady Member Posts: 543 Member
    #10
    telling kids
    I have 7 children. Telling them was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. When I was diagnosed almost 6 years ago they were 12, 14, 16, 21, 23, 24 and 26. I took the older 4 to breakfast and told them. They had known that I hadn't been feeling well and what I didn't know was that they had discussed it amongst themselves and had diagnosed me fairly accurately using the internet. They took it fairly well. I told them that I would always be honest with them and keep them informed which I have done. I also enlisted their help with the younger three children to keep everything as positive as possible, but honest. The younger kids took it as well as possible. I think it has been hardest on my two youngest, both girls. They have really lived it because they live with me. I'm still here, still in treatment and I think in a way they have gotten somewhat used to the whole thing. I am happily looking forward to my youngest daughter graduating high school in June. She is doing her senior project on cancer.

    I think the most important thing is to be open and willing to discuss it and to answer any questions your chilren have. It's also important for them to know they have other people beside the person with cancer to speak to if they want.
  • PhillieG
    PhillieG Member Posts: 4,866 Member
    #11
    A Lot of Good Replies Already
    You know your son best of all. I gave out information to my sons (10 and 4 at the time) as I got solid information. At least as solid as it ever gets with cancer. I didn't tell them at first when I knew nothing other than I had cancer. Shortly after dx we had a plan in place on how to treat it so then I told them. The 10 yr old understood it pretty well. It was the toughest thing I ever had to do. We cried but I did my best to reassure him that I would get better. I think if you show confidence then it helps them (plus yourself)

    I do not think it's a good idea to tell them when you have little info on how you are going to have it treated.

    Sorry to hear of you dx. Kids are hipper than we give them credit for at times.
  • EstherMSKCC
    EstherMSKCC Member Posts: 20
    #12
    How to tell a child their parent has cancer....
    Dear Devastated,

    I am an employee of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and came across the discussion thread you started about how to tell a child their parent has cancer. I just wanted to let you know that the American Cancer Society offers online information and resources that address this very topic:

    http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MBC/content/MBC_4_1X_Telling_Your_Family_and_Friends.asp?sitearea=MBC

    http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_6X_Dealing_With_Diagnosis.asp

    http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_6X_Dealing_With_Treatment.asp?sitearea=CRI

    The National Cancer Institute also has an online booklet specifically for teens who have a parent with cancer:

    http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/when-your-parent-has-cancer-guide-for-teens

    I hope these links are helpful and wish you good luck as you decide how to talk to your son about your diagnosis.

    -Esther
  • Crow71
    Crow71 Member Posts: 679 Member
    #13
    EstherMSKCC said:

    How to tell a child their parent has cancer....
    Dear Devastated,

    I am an employee of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center and came across the discussion thread you started about how to tell a child their parent has cancer. I just wanted to let you know that the American Cancer Society offers online information and resources that address this very topic:

    http://www.cancer.org/docroot/MBC/content/MBC_4_1X_Telling_Your_Family_and_Friends.asp?sitearea=MBC

    http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_6X_Dealing_With_Diagnosis.asp

    http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/content/CRI_2_6X_Dealing_With_Treatment.asp?sitearea=CRI

    The National Cancer Institute also has an online booklet specifically for teens who have a parent with cancer:

    http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/when-your-parent-has-cancer-guide-for-teens

    I hope these links are helpful and wish you good luck as you decide how to talk to your son about your diagnosis.

    -Esther

    Hey Esther - Thanks for
    Hey Esther - Thanks for posting these links. I'll check them out. I was at Sloan a few weeks ago for a 2nd opinion. You have a wonderful facility. Very nice people at every step. Very efficient. The building is easy to maneuver through. The waiting room is peaceful and relaxing. The whole experience form the doorman to the Dr. is geared for healing. I really appreciated that. And of course, Dr. Veach was amazing and tremendously helpful.
    Roger

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