Mom and I are on information overload and dad seems non-chalant

Hello. Me again. My father was recently diagnosed with inoperable stage IV esophageal cancer. He begins chemo on Tuesday, March 9th.

I'm sure what I'm about to describe is typical but I'm looking for suggestions how to handle it. We've been getting a good bit of information from the doctors so far plus my mother and I have been reading everything we can find. Dad on the other hand seems very non-chalant about it all. Mom and I are concerned he's not taking it seriously enough but we also realize that we may be taking it too seriously. I mean, it has only been a week or so since he was diagnosed. Here are some examples:

In chemo class Wednesday we were told the importance of hand washing and it was suggested that we buy some hand sanitizer to keep with us to use (for instance) when arriving at church and leaving church after shaking everyone's hands. We were told not to go crazy with it and use it after every person as that would be insulting but to use it after you greet everyone and sit down or after you leave and get to your car. Also it was suggested to use it before and after touching your face and before eating anything. For instance, mom put some snacks in dad's office for easy access. We told him that before he eats anything (you know, after he's been on the computer, reading, doing something at his desk, etc.) he should use the hand sanitizer first. Dad's response to all of this was he doesn't see himself using it at all. (It didn't start off as a dissertation. We told him we got some for his office to use before eating and he said he didn't see any reason for it there. We tried to give examples.) The bottle we gave him to carry with him is still on the counter where we handed it to him

Everything we've been told and have read talks about the importance of nutrition before and during chemo. The doctors have mentioned things like Boost or Ensure, drinking at least 6-8 glasses of water per day, eating several smaller 'meals' rather than 3 larger ones, eating whenever you can to build yourself up. Dad MAYBE drinks 1-2 glasses or water a day, "tries to get at least 2 Ensures/Boost" but sometimes only drinks one (doctor said 3 per day), and sometimes goes half a day without eating. You know, nothing after 'lunch' until bed.

Then he got his infusion port on Friday. He was was given this packet that contained a wallet card, rubber bracelet and a keychain thing. He was told to keep at least one of these at all times. Of course, the packet is on his bookshelf unopened, next to the unread book from chemo class that we're supposed to read before chemo starts Tuesday.

For all this, mom and I decided we need to stop trying to talk to him about it. That if he gets sick or an infection or loses too much weight or gets too dehydrated, the doctors will something about it. And if he still doesn't do it, the doctors will talk to him again (and again and again). That maybe what it will take is him getting sick or not being able to get his chemo because of dehydration but we're not talking about life and death here, right?

But then yesterday, 24 hours after the infusion port was placed and he was told to NOT exert himself for two days and to NOT use his right arm for anything strenuous for two days and to keep the area dry for 7 days, he used his arm. My parents have a big computer desk they were getting rid of. Someone from the church came by to get it and dad, being ever-helpful, helped them move the desk out of the basement and up onto the truck - 24 hour after surgery. When mom found out she was speechless and walked away to keep from saying anything. She later remarked, "He's a grown man. Why would he do something this stupid?" Dad, of course, says he didn't use his right arm - well, only to balance with but then he said he was holding one end and the other man was carrying the other end. This is a heavy desk. How could he NOT use one of his hands? If you lifted it with one hand the front (or back) of the desk would tilt forward. It doesn't seem possible to not use one hand.


The bottom line is this does sound dangerous. When we suggested that he keep an eye on the area for bleeding under the skin he got irritated and said we were being ridiculous that he didn't use his hand.

I know, I know, mom and I are on system overload and probably hounding dad with far too much information but dad just doesn't seem to be taking this seriously. And the more he doesn't seem to be taking it seriously the more mom and I hover. We tried to explain that if he...if when asked him if he's eaten lately or if he's drinking water he replies, "Yes, I had something about an hour ago" or "I've managed to get 3 glasses down" or SOMETHING we wouldn't keep asking but right now all he answers is stuff like, "I don't know. I think I had a glass of water this morning." or "I've never been one to dot my Is and cross my Ts like that. I'll eat what I eat." And he has never had to account for everything he puts in his mouth before, no one has. But mom frequently finds no signs that he's eaten anything. No empty fruit cups, juice or ensure bottles, no plates or glasses in the sink, none by dad and when he says things like, "I haven't eaten anything yet but I'll get something in a bit"...it's like he's not trying.

At the doctor's office dad said he wanted to fight. It doesn't looking like he's fighting though when he seemingly disregards much of what he is told to do and doesn't seem interested in reading what he's been given to read. There's a calendar in the back of the chemo book for dad to note any side effects and their severity. (Like N for Nausea and 3 for severe - N3). Supposedly he's to note the dates and times of them and take it back to the doctor so they can adjust the medicine if need be. I see dad being like he's always been and understating everything. "I felt a little nauseous at times." Hardly information to assist doctors.


I know. Enough. So please, help us figure out how to handle this. I figure the right way to look at this is somewhere between us and dad but...do we need to get the doctors to sit down with dad and MAKE him understand how important what they are telling him to do is or is it okay if he starts doing it little by little in his own time? Does that make sense?