Lonely

panks
panks Member Posts: 36 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My husband with stage 4 cancer is in the house with me and actually doing pretty good health wise right now, but he has become so quiet. I miss having conversations with him, he is my best friend. Not sure how to handle all the extra responsibilites that being a caregiver has put on me and not having my best friend to talk to about it.

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    You don't say what type of
    You don't say what type of cancer or when your husband was diagnosed. If this is a new diagnosis you are both probably trying to understand how this will change your life. Coming to grips with this may take some time. Do try to open the lines of communications since that will help both of you, but give him time to assimilate his new normal. You will both get through this with love. Take it day by day or moment by moment. Come here often to vent or seek support. You will find it here. Fay
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #3
    grandmafay said:

    You don't say what type of
    You don't say what type of cancer or when your husband was diagnosed. If this is a new diagnosis you are both probably trying to understand how this will change your life. Coming to grips with this may take some time. Do try to open the lines of communications since that will help both of you, but give him time to assimilate his new normal. You will both get through this with love. Take it day by day or moment by moment. Come here often to vent or seek support. You will find it here. Fay

    Lung Cancer-Both Lungs
    Thank you for replying. I havent had a chance to get on the computer because we have just got out of the hospital yesterday, now its a whole new life again. My husband has lung cancer that has spread to the kidney and the brain. He was diagnosed in Dec. 2009. He spent 3 weeks in intensive care on a ventalator at that time. He was doing so good with the chemo and radiation that I had a false sense of security, until Feb 27 when he said he was having trouble breathing, we just got out of intensive care, they had to drain the lung and heart of fluid. Now we have oxygen at the house and I feel like I'm losing some of my were going to beat this spirit. It's hard to keep the smile on my face but I do so he wont lose his trust in himself that he can survive this.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #4
    panks said:

    Lung Cancer-Both Lungs
    Thank you for replying. I havent had a chance to get on the computer because we have just got out of the hospital yesterday, now its a whole new life again. My husband has lung cancer that has spread to the kidney and the brain. He was diagnosed in Dec. 2009. He spent 3 weeks in intensive care on a ventalator at that time. He was doing so good with the chemo and radiation that I had a false sense of security, until Feb 27 when he said he was having trouble breathing, we just got out of intensive care, they had to drain the lung and heart of fluid. Now we have oxygen at the house and I feel like I'm losing some of my were going to beat this spirit. It's hard to keep the smile on my face but I do so he wont lose his trust in himself that he can survive this.

    I'm Sorry
    I am sorry you are struggling with this. Many of us have dealt with similar feelings of security only to get hit with some less than good news. This truly is a roller coaster ride. I found that my husband and I were better able to deal with it when we shared our concerns and fears as well as our hopes. That made it easier for both of us. We also found that a sense of humor was our best friend. I hope things go better for you now. Take care, Fay
  • appleyellowgreen
    appleyellowgreen Member Posts: 38 Member
    #5
    panks said:

    Lung Cancer-Both Lungs
    Thank you for replying. I havent had a chance to get on the computer because we have just got out of the hospital yesterday, now its a whole new life again. My husband has lung cancer that has spread to the kidney and the brain. He was diagnosed in Dec. 2009. He spent 3 weeks in intensive care on a ventalator at that time. He was doing so good with the chemo and radiation that I had a false sense of security, until Feb 27 when he said he was having trouble breathing, we just got out of intensive care, they had to drain the lung and heart of fluid. Now we have oxygen at the house and I feel like I'm losing some of my were going to beat this spirit. It's hard to keep the smile on my face but I do so he wont lose his trust in himself that he can survive this.

    Let Him Know
    Panks -

    My husband has cancer in both of his lungs. In 2005 he had surgeries on both. He'd been in remission until October 2009 and it's reared it's ugly head again. We did surgery in Boston (we live in NY) and now are doing chemo in NYC. We have a PET scan in about a month. He has his fourth chemo this coming Tuesday.

    You say "It's hard to keep the smile on my face, but..." and therein lies a key to communicating. I was always being the brave one with the stiff upper lip and the we're going to lick this attitude. Sure, I feel this - but - if I didn't tell him about how I am really feeling, how scared I am and how lonely and isolated I feel, and how much I miss him, he would never know I was sharing his illness. You can feel all the fear and insecurity and still be strong and smile and help him survive this. You'll know when the time is right to talk to him. It will just happen. You'll have your friend back.

    Apple
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #6
    appleyellowgreen said:

    Let Him Know
    Panks -

    My husband has cancer in both of his lungs. In 2005 he had surgeries on both. He'd been in remission until October 2009 and it's reared it's ugly head again. We did surgery in Boston (we live in NY) and now are doing chemo in NYC. We have a PET scan in about a month. He has his fourth chemo this coming Tuesday.

    You say "It's hard to keep the smile on my face, but..." and therein lies a key to communicating. I was always being the brave one with the stiff upper lip and the we're going to lick this attitude. Sure, I feel this - but - if I didn't tell him about how I am really feeling, how scared I am and how lonely and isolated I feel, and how much I miss him, he would never know I was sharing his illness. You can feel all the fear and insecurity and still be strong and smile and help him survive this. You'll know when the time is right to talk to him. It will just happen. You'll have your friend back.

    Apple

    You are right
    The words seem to have come gushing out of both me and my husband, some of the things he is saying I have to tell him "you didnt say want I wanted to hear, but I respect your decisions". Cargiving is not easy but at least it is bearable most the time when you have your best friend to talk to. I think we are stepping into end stage now, I guess I will know this week when he sees thr Dr. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #7
    panks said:

    You are right
    The words seem to have come gushing out of both me and my husband, some of the things he is saying I have to tell him "you didnt say want I wanted to hear, but I respect your decisions". Cargiving is not easy but at least it is bearable most the time when you have your best friend to talk to. I think we are stepping into end stage now, I guess I will know this week when he sees thr Dr. Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

    FEEL SO SICK
    I was right about the end.We were told to call in hospice today.
  • AnnaLeigh
    AnnaLeigh Member Posts: 187 Member
    #8
    panks said:

    FEEL SO SICK
    I was right about the end.We were told to call in hospice today.

    Hold Hands
    I know this is a really tough time and both of you have been through so much in such a short period of time. The thought of losing your very best friend and husband - all at the same time - is the most dreadful feeling in the world.

    Hold his hand even if he is asleep or cannot return the firm grip, for you will feel the connection, heart to heart, and spirit to spirit. Let your love flow from your hand into his hand and feel his love flowing back to you.

    We never get over losing our dear loved ones, we simply incorporate that loss into our lives and hold a special place for them in our hearts always.

    Please look to the wonderful, compassionate people on this message board for comfort throughout this time. There are so many here who understand and will listen and perhaps lessen the loneliness.

    Our hearts are with you.

    AnnaLeigh
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #9
    panks said:

    FEEL SO SICK
    I was right about the end.We were told to call in hospice today.

    I am so sorry
    I am so sorry to hear your news. I was gone for a few days and just got back online. The first thing I read was your posts hoping for better news for you. I have sat in that seat at the dr's and heard those same words about my husband. I'll never forget our 75 minute ride home. There were many periods of talk and long silences. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to do. He wanted to go to Yosemite and he wanted to see our sons and their families. We made those things happen along with visiting with friends. He only had about a month and was in pain, but he wanted to make the most of his time. That was what he wanted. Your husband may want other things. We just want to be there for them. It is so hard to watch those final days, but it is also a special time. We wish it was us and not them. Our pain is almost as real as their's. Yet we have a chance to say we love them, to share memories, and assure them that we will be ok. It has been 5 months since I lost my husband. I can tell you that our pain changes, but we still hurt. I am blessed with close family and friends. I hope you are, too. I still cry regularly and feel very lonely at times, but as one friend pointed out, it would be pretty sad if you lost your best friend, companion, and lover and didn't cry. Please know that many of us here on these boards are thinking of you. Come here when you need to share, vent, or just talk. Take care, Fay
  • jennypher
    jennypher Member Posts: 4
    #10
    lonely
    hey, im sorry for how you are feeling. My partner had stage 4 breast cancer, all you can really do is just talk to him,he can hear what your saying, even if he is quiet and not responding,thats the best thing to do in my opinion
  • panks
    panks Member Posts: 36 Member
    #11
    grandmafay said:

    I am so sorry
    I am so sorry to hear your news. I was gone for a few days and just got back online. The first thing I read was your posts hoping for better news for you. I have sat in that seat at the dr's and heard those same words about my husband. I'll never forget our 75 minute ride home. There were many periods of talk and long silences. I asked him if there was anything he wanted to do. He wanted to go to Yosemite and he wanted to see our sons and their families. We made those things happen along with visiting with friends. He only had about a month and was in pain, but he wanted to make the most of his time. That was what he wanted. Your husband may want other things. We just want to be there for them. It is so hard to watch those final days, but it is also a special time. We wish it was us and not them. Our pain is almost as real as their's. Yet we have a chance to say we love them, to share memories, and assure them that we will be ok. It has been 5 months since I lost my husband. I can tell you that our pain changes, but we still hurt. I am blessed with close family and friends. I hope you are, too. I still cry regularly and feel very lonely at times, but as one friend pointed out, it would be pretty sad if you lost your best friend, companion, and lover and didn't cry. Please know that many of us here on these boards are thinking of you. Come here when you need to share, vent, or just talk. Take care, Fay

    The world has lost a great man
    Thank you for all your support. I lost him to the cancer on March 19th. He went so fast, they told us to call hospice on Tuesday and he was gone on Friday. I feel so sad, lost and lonely, even though I do have a great support system from family and friends.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #12
    panks said:

    The world has lost a great man
    Thank you for all your support. I lost him to the cancer on March 19th. He went so fast, they told us to call hospice on Tuesday and he was gone on Friday. I feel so sad, lost and lonely, even though I do have a great support system from family and friends.

    Sympathy
    I just wanted to express my sympathy. I know no words can help and I understand the loneliness. The various holidays seem particularly hard. I am glad you have family and friend support. That makes a huge difference. Yet when it comes right down to it, we are the ones whose world has come crashing down. Take care. Fay

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