Cancer is so cruel....

growsplants
growsplants Member Posts: 5
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I've been coming to read the posts on this board for about a month, but haven't had the energy to post anything. Even now it's an effort. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer Sept. 2003. H's never really been in remission but we've lived a fairly normal life. Of course in that time he's had four major surgeries, in order, colon & liver, 7 wedges out of his lungs, a lobe removed, and finally brain surgery in late fall of 2008. At least 4 bouts of chemo and 3 bouts of radiation, including gamma knife type to his brain. And four cryoablations to the lungs. He always preferred surgery to chemo and recovered well and fast. Since he's had his brain mets, it's been alot more difficult. He's gradually lost the use of his left hand and he's left handed. He's been on steroids for about nine months and hates them. In the last year he's had seizures. Aside from the first one a biggie, they've been limited to his left arm. He's been getting progressively weaker the last few months. In the last month I wouldn't let him go up and downstairs alone. Last week he fell twice, the first time he got a bruise but he could help me get himself up. Then a couple of days later he had a seizure, again the usual. But he'd been getting alot weaker and needed help getting up from some chairs, etc. Thurs. morning he was getting up from the kitchen table and somehow he fell and cracked his head on the cabinets, his neck was at a funny angle so I called 911 and as I was doing so he had another seizure. They came and hauled him away and found no bleeding on the brain. But unforunately his left leg was affected and his speech is slurred. We called in hospice and they helped alot but he can't walk unattended and he has to be helped always. I was helping him out on his recliner and his legs gave way and it was all I could do to hold him up and shove him back into the chair. He can barely turn over in bed it's a real struggle, and two nights ago durng the struggle he had another seizure. He doesn't have any real pain, a blessing, but he's uncomfortable and wants to move around often. A scary and exhausting situation everytime. On top of that we have our own business, spring is our busy time, just getting into it now. I have no clue what to do about that. For the last couple of years I've done the production by myself and managed but for a few months it's a seven day many hour a day job. Taking care of my husband is just about 24/7 too. If I can even do it. I work from home, sort-of, it's not in the home but on our property. We've talked about a nursing home....I don't want him to go and he doesn't want to go. But after a rough patch he wanted to and in fact made me call people and tell hospice etc. Then he backed off some and said I'm doing it for you. I told him if you're doing this for me I get to decide and I'm not ready yet. Anyway there isn't a room available in our town. It really takes two people to move him, me and him if alone. And it's exhausting for both of us esp. him. Cancer is cruel..........

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Yes It Is
    Although everyone's experience with cancer is different, I do understand to a large extent where you are coming from. My husband was diagnosed in Aug., 2003 and passed away in Oct., 2009 of colon cancer. We, too, were able to do most things, working around chemo, surgery, and radiation. It got tough toward the end, though. We made use of both a walker and a wheelchair and had to call the fire department once to help get him up when he fell. It is so hard to watch our loved one's body deteriorate. Cancer is really hard on the whole family. I can't offer any words of wisdom. I can only tell you that you are not alone. I hope you can get some help with either your husband's care or your business. You need to take care of yourself, too. I know that is not easy, but do call in friends and family if you can. We had many offers of help and didn't really need it until the end. Those that I finally called on , really appreciated being asked. They were also feeling helpless and truly wanted to help in any way they could. Take care, Fay
  • growsplants
    growsplants Member Posts: 5
    #3
    grandmafay said:

    Yes It Is
    Although everyone's experience with cancer is different, I do understand to a large extent where you are coming from. My husband was diagnosed in Aug., 2003 and passed away in Oct., 2009 of colon cancer. We, too, were able to do most things, working around chemo, surgery, and radiation. It got tough toward the end, though. We made use of both a walker and a wheelchair and had to call the fire department once to help get him up when he fell. It is so hard to watch our loved one's body deteriorate. Cancer is really hard on the whole family. I can't offer any words of wisdom. I can only tell you that you are not alone. I hope you can get some help with either your husband's care or your business. You need to take care of yourself, too. I know that is not easy, but do call in friends and family if you can. We had many offers of help and didn't really need it until the end. Those that I finally called on , really appreciated being asked. They were also feeling helpless and truly wanted to help in any way they could. Take care, Fay

    Fay
    You are this boards guardian angel and I appreciate your advice. Pardon my asking but how old are you? I'm soon to be 58. I wonder if you are retired or still working and how you managed if you were? Being self-employed with seasonal income really has helped through the years. I've been able to always be there for my husband. It was always kind of like russian roulette, and we've pulled if off. Not always easily but we've managed. This year we lost, and I am at a loss about what to do. What do other people do? Quit their jobs?
  • angelsbaby
    angelsbaby Member Posts: 1,165 Member
    #4
    growsplants said:

    Fay
    You are this boards guardian angel and I appreciate your advice. Pardon my asking but how old are you? I'm soon to be 58. I wonder if you are retired or still working and how you managed if you were? Being self-employed with seasonal income really has helped through the years. I've been able to always be there for my husband. It was always kind of like russian roulette, and we've pulled if off. Not always easily but we've managed. This year we lost, and I am at a loss about what to do. What do other people do? Quit their jobs?

    I am sorry
    My husband also died of colon cancer april 16 2009 but he just vomited all the time he was so thin towards the end i could lift and move him but really he was up the day he died. but very weak. i would change his ile and diaper and i had help from his mom and sisters . Now its almost a year and i am still working i have moved into a condo renting alot of big things have changed but i find work helps with my sadness and lonelyness .For me i can still see his suffering in his eyes and how frightened he was at the end . and i could not help him I miss him so, but i get up and get threw another day and do it again and again but alone.I hope you find the help you need hospice came to our house maybe thats an option, but i did have to work when angel was sick we had bills. I just hate cancer Take care I am 53

    michelle
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #5
    growsplants said:

    Fay
    You are this boards guardian angel and I appreciate your advice. Pardon my asking but how old are you? I'm soon to be 58. I wonder if you are retired or still working and how you managed if you were? Being self-employed with seasonal income really has helped through the years. I've been able to always be there for my husband. It was always kind of like russian roulette, and we've pulled if off. Not always easily but we've managed. This year we lost, and I am at a loss about what to do. What do other people do? Quit their jobs?

    keeping your head above water
    Hi fellow plant person,
    From what you've said, I wonder if you have a greenhouse business of some kind. I don't see how one person can do the work of three -- there's your job, your husband's job, and now your caregiver job. And the last one is no choice!

    So, can you take a year off, just this once, and still pay the bills? Or, can you lease your facilities and get at least some cash flowing? I'm self employed, and have taken off lots of time to take care of my mother this last year. I've had to take on some debt (I'm a single parent with a kid in college), but eventually inheritance will take care of that, so I'm blessed.

    We're the same age, almost. The 53 is for 1953. Good luck with this day. Sometimes that's all we can ask for.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #6
    growsplants said:

    Fay
    You are this boards guardian angel and I appreciate your advice. Pardon my asking but how old are you? I'm soon to be 58. I wonder if you are retired or still working and how you managed if you were? Being self-employed with seasonal income really has helped through the years. I've been able to always be there for my husband. It was always kind of like russian roulette, and we've pulled if off. Not always easily but we've managed. This year we lost, and I am at a loss about what to do. What do other people do? Quit their jobs?

    I am 63 and both my husband and I were retired which was a real blessing. It must be so hard to be working especially being self employed. Doug and I did have a small business (vintage post cards and paper) where we went to about 6 shows a year. Our son jumped in and helped with that. The son and I still do it, but I have turned all the business part of it over to him. It's more of a hobby for me now. Doug had a good pension and I now get that. I also have a small pension of my own. Believe me, I do know how blessed I am that I don't have to worry much about finances. I see so many on this board who have that added to an already tough challenge. I wish I had some words of wisdom, or a magic wand. Fay
  • growsplants
    growsplants Member Posts: 5
    #7
    angelsbaby said:

    I am sorry
    My husband also died of colon cancer april 16 2009 but he just vomited all the time he was so thin towards the end i could lift and move him but really he was up the day he died. but very weak. i would change his ile and diaper and i had help from his mom and sisters . Now its almost a year and i am still working i have moved into a condo renting alot of big things have changed but i find work helps with my sadness and lonelyness .For me i can still see his suffering in his eyes and how frightened he was at the end . and i could not help him I miss him so, but i get up and get threw another day and do it again and again but alone.I hope you find the help you need hospice came to our house maybe thats an option, but i did have to work when angel was sick we had bills. I just hate cancer Take care I am 53

    michelle

    I'll try this again
    For some reason my first response didn't post. I'am sorry for you too. It's terrible to see them suffer and terrible when they're gone. With my husbands brain metastasis and liver failing it's a double whammy. We have hospice in and they've helped alot but I'm not sure it's enough. What kind of diapers did you use and did they work laying down? So far we haven't had any luck. He and the bed get soaked.
  • growsplants
    growsplants Member Posts: 5
    #8
    Barbara53 said:

    keeping your head above water
    Hi fellow plant person,
    From what you've said, I wonder if you have a greenhouse business of some kind. I don't see how one person can do the work of three -- there's your job, your husband's job, and now your caregiver job. And the last one is no choice!

    So, can you take a year off, just this once, and still pay the bills? Or, can you lease your facilities and get at least some cash flowing? I'm self employed, and have taken off lots of time to take care of my mother this last year. I've had to take on some debt (I'm a single parent with a kid in college), but eventually inheritance will take care of that, so I'm blessed.

    We're the same age, almost. The 53 is for 1953. Good luck with this day. Sometimes that's all we can ask for.

    Yes
    We have a greenhouse operation and most of our income is in the spring. I've already started to grow somethings with the majority coming in the next two weeks. We certainly can't make it to next spring without this spring. We have income coming in through the summer, I hope. So you like plants too?
  • growsplants
    growsplants Member Posts: 5
    #9
    grandmafay said:

    I am 63 and both my husband and I were retired which was a real blessing. It must be so hard to be working especially being self employed. Doug and I did have a small business (vintage post cards and paper) where we went to about 6 shows a year. Our son jumped in and helped with that. The son and I still do it, but I have turned all the business part of it over to him. It's more of a hobby for me now. Doug had a good pension and I now get that. I also have a small pension of my own. Believe me, I do know how blessed I am that I don't have to worry much about finances. I see so many on this board who have that added to an already tough challenge. I wish I had some words of wisdom, or a magic wand. Fay

    *****Some magic dust for us all*******
    I've wished for that magic wand myself many a time!
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #10
    growsplants said:

    Yes
    We have a greenhouse operation and most of our income is in the spring. I've already started to grow somethings with the majority coming in the next two weeks. We certainly can't make it to next spring without this spring. We have income coming in through the summer, I hope. So you like plants too?

    deep in green
    Yes, GP, you could say gardening is my life. I am leaving tomorrow on a caregiver break to go home and start tomatoes and peppers! Actually, I am a little on the high profile side, so if there is anything you think of I could do to help your season, let me know. Story in local paper, networking in garden community, whatever. http://www.barbarapleasant.com
  • abfaul6
    abfaul6 Member Posts: 9
    #11
    growsplants said:

    *****Some magic dust for us all*******
    I've wished for that magic wand myself many a time!

    Im heading your way.
    My husband has 4th stage NSCLC diagnosed July 08. The doc. said 4 months to a year. He is still with me. He's slow, had double pneumonia in Nov. and is now having Hospice come in. I am glad I arranged for that. His chemo doc. said he would tell me when it was time for hospice and after the pneumonia he said "now is the time". He is 77 and we are approaching our 54th anniversary in April. That is his goal. He was talking today about what to do. He can't do much but sit in the chair. He's started taking oral liquid morphine for pain and he has it for the nebulizer too when needed.

    So much for the cruise he said, he didnt think he wanted a cruise right now after all his dancing was rusty and the stairs from the decks would be a problem!..... I suggested a calorie rich double, triple chocolate cake that we could sit in the chairs and eat..... I hope he makes it, sometimes I think he will, and then when I see him have another small TIA - hes had quite a few I wonder. Cancer is indeed cruel. It eats away a person piece by piece. I am seeing it also with my daughter in law who has Alzheimers. She is disappearing too. Her loss is different than my husbands though.

    Well, "growsplants", I dont have much success with plants.... my back yard has grown a huge crop of chickweed. Its everywhere and my grandson is nowhere.... so today I pulled out two large sackfuls and yesterday two large sackfuls and tomorrow there will be two more if I dont pass out from the exercise. My husband used to do the yard and I just admired it. Now it looks terrible. I cant do it all, so the yard has gone by the wayside.
    Hang in there. Know that our thoughts are with you. Keep your sense of humor, we find a good laugh is - as my mum used to say "good for the soul".

    Ann
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #12
    abfaul6 said:

    Im heading your way.
    My husband has 4th stage NSCLC diagnosed July 08. The doc. said 4 months to a year. He is still with me. He's slow, had double pneumonia in Nov. and is now having Hospice come in. I am glad I arranged for that. His chemo doc. said he would tell me when it was time for hospice and after the pneumonia he said "now is the time". He is 77 and we are approaching our 54th anniversary in April. That is his goal. He was talking today about what to do. He can't do much but sit in the chair. He's started taking oral liquid morphine for pain and he has it for the nebulizer too when needed.

    So much for the cruise he said, he didnt think he wanted a cruise right now after all his dancing was rusty and the stairs from the decks would be a problem!..... I suggested a calorie rich double, triple chocolate cake that we could sit in the chairs and eat..... I hope he makes it, sometimes I think he will, and then when I see him have another small TIA - hes had quite a few I wonder. Cancer is indeed cruel. It eats away a person piece by piece. I am seeing it also with my daughter in law who has Alzheimers. She is disappearing too. Her loss is different than my husbands though.

    Well, "growsplants", I dont have much success with plants.... my back yard has grown a huge crop of chickweed. Its everywhere and my grandson is nowhere.... so today I pulled out two large sackfuls and yesterday two large sackfuls and tomorrow there will be two more if I dont pass out from the exercise. My husband used to do the yard and I just admired it. Now it looks terrible. I cant do it all, so the yard has gone by the wayside.
    Hang in there. Know that our thoughts are with you. Keep your sense of humor, we find a good laugh is - as my mum used to say "good for the soul".

    Ann

    Humor
    Yes, humor is probably the thing that helped our family the most as we dealt with my husband's cancer and final days. My husband had an offbeat sense of humor. I found that out on our first date. He kept it to the end. We have so many great memories, and many still make us laugh. He gave us a real gift. Fay

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