The new normal?

khl8
khl8 Member Posts: 807
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
Well, it has been over a year since my surgery, chemo ended last August and the ileostomy was reversed in September. I feel great but different. I know that having cancer has changed me and I should be rejoicing int the fact that I am alive. I am happy for the most part. I am finding myself questioning everything about my life, I want to live and enjoy evertthing out there. The one thing that really has me concerned is my relationship with my spouse, I have changed and I think he is not happy with the changes. I no longer will "roll over" and let him have his way when we disagree. For years I have felt that he took me for granted and until I got sick I accepted that as part of lfe. I don't want that anymore, I want to know that he loves and respects me. I need to hear those words now more than ever. And yes, I have told him this, and he looks at me like I have two heads. I need to hear the words that I am beautiful, interesting, funny, from him. I keep thinking that I dont want to live whatever time I have left on this earth this way. I want it to be with him, but I also want it to be different than what is was before i got sick. Am I being Selfish? Is this just the brush with death that is causing this? I just don't know. I am smart enough to not make any rash decisions. Am I having a mid life crisis? I just want to know and understand why I am feeling like this.
The question has entered my mind "would I be happier alone or still here".
Anyone else goes through this out there?

Comments

  • Patteee
    Patteee Member Posts: 945
    #2
    I have been through it
    I have been through it pre-cancer days. I would highly recommend marriage counseling.
  • Kerry S
    Kerry S Member Posts: 606 Member
    #3
    Things will get better
    I love to kid around on this site. This is nothing to kid about. You have been through a bunch of hell looking death in the face. You are right in the fact that chemo does mess with our heads. What is good is I think by you posting this you have already made the decision to stay with him. Now is not the time to make any major moves in your life, wait until your emotions stabilize. Things will get better.
  • dianetavegia
    dianetavegia Member Posts: 1,942 Member
    #4
    khl8
    Steroids given during chemo even made me 'snippy' and I don't GET snippy. :-)

    That being said.... chemo causes menopause. Menopause causes emotional turmoil. Serious illness causes us to look at our lives and wonder 'what if'. Roll this all up in a neat ball and you're going to have times of questioning.

    I did not experience what you're talking about but I did/ do look at my life and wonder if I've done good or touched the lives I was put on earth to touch. I hate those wasted opportunities...

    I'm VERY sure I'll be tarred and feathered for saying this, but you did bring it up... About the old friend who entered your life and is able to 'give you what you feel is missing'... Please run the other way and never allow yourself to be alone with this man. Avoid private conversations, even on the internet. You said you've not done anything wrong with this person but you admit this has 'opened your eyes to what you feel is missing at home'. This emotional affair could easily taint your view of your husband and cause you to make the wrong decision during a very confusing time in your life. Step back and give this all time to settle down before you make a decision that you might regret.
  • lcarper2
    lcarper2 Member Posts: 635 Member
    #5
    dianetavegia said:

    khl8
    Steroids given during chemo even made me 'snippy' and I don't GET snippy. :-)

    That being said.... chemo causes menopause. Menopause causes emotional turmoil. Serious illness causes us to look at our lives and wonder 'what if'. Roll this all up in a neat ball and you're going to have times of questioning.

    I did not experience what you're talking about but I did/ do look at my life and wonder if I've done good or touched the lives I was put on earth to touch. I hate those wasted opportunities...

    I'm VERY sure I'll be tarred and feathered for saying this, but you did bring it up... About the old friend who entered your life and is able to 'give you what you feel is missing'... Please run the other way and never allow yourself to be alone with this man. Avoid private conversations, even on the internet. You said you've not done anything wrong with this person but you admit this has 'opened your eyes to what you feel is missing at home'. This emotional affair could easily taint your view of your husband and cause you to make the wrong decision during a very confusing time in your life. Step back and give this all time to settle down before you make a decision that you might regret.

    KhI8
    cancer makes us all question life after chemo I was thinking the other day about if I am happy in my life as it is now , I can't work money is tight and I feel like a burden to my husband and lets face it we all are chemo B--ch's at one time or another and that has to do with how we think at that moment.I look at things alot different than I did before chemo I put up with alot and now no way jose I won't put up with anything.We need to look at where we have been and where we want to go and plan in that direction...I would put the other person on hold until you get to feeling better and stronger he/she may be feeling sorry for you and the feelings would change after you get back to what ever normal will be for you.
  • kimby
    kimby Member Posts: 797
    #6
    dianetavegia said:

    khl8
    Steroids given during chemo even made me 'snippy' and I don't GET snippy. :-)

    That being said.... chemo causes menopause. Menopause causes emotional turmoil. Serious illness causes us to look at our lives and wonder 'what if'. Roll this all up in a neat ball and you're going to have times of questioning.

    I did not experience what you're talking about but I did/ do look at my life and wonder if I've done good or touched the lives I was put on earth to touch. I hate those wasted opportunities...

    I'm VERY sure I'll be tarred and feathered for saying this, but you did bring it up... About the old friend who entered your life and is able to 'give you what you feel is missing'... Please run the other way and never allow yourself to be alone with this man. Avoid private conversations, even on the internet. You said you've not done anything wrong with this person but you admit this has 'opened your eyes to what you feel is missing at home'. This emotional affair could easily taint your view of your husband and cause you to make the wrong decision during a very confusing time in your life. Step back and give this all time to settle down before you make a decision that you might regret.

    khl8 and Diane
    Diane said, "I'm VERY sure I'll be tarred and feathered for saying this, but you did bring it up... About the old friend who entered your life and is able to 'give you what you feel is missing'... Please run the other way and never allow yourself to be alone with this man. Avoid private conversations, even on the internet. You said you've not done anything wrong with this person but you admit this has 'opened your eyes to what you feel is missing at home'. This emotional affair could easily taint your view of your husband and cause you to make the wrong decision during a very confusing time in your life. Step back and give this all time to settle down before you make a decision that you might regret."

    No tar or feathers here (well, feathers but their not for you and that's another story...LOL). I have been married almost 28 yrs (I'm 46 so I married very young) and we have certainly had our problems. One thing I determined early on is that I'd never put myself in the position to get close to any man other than my husband. I never went to lunch with a male coworker alone. I would invite other woman to join in. I wouldn't spend any time alone with any other man....on the phone, on the internet, etc.

    You need to take care of you and you deserve to be happy. I also agree with the suggestion to seek marriage counseling. It can't hurt. Try to treat your husband differently. I know it's tough to be nice when it doesn't seem that he is, but someone has to begin the process. Teach him how to treat someone you love.

    Outwit. Outplay. Outlast.


    Kimby
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #7
    lcarper2 said:

    KhI8
    cancer makes us all question life after chemo I was thinking the other day about if I am happy in my life as it is now , I can't work money is tight and I feel like a burden to my husband and lets face it we all are chemo B--ch's at one time or another and that has to do with how we think at that moment.I look at things alot different than I did before chemo I put up with alot and now no way jose I won't put up with anything.We need to look at where we have been and where we want to go and plan in that direction...I would put the other person on hold until you get to feeling better and stronger he/she may be feeling sorry for you and the feelings would change after you get back to what ever normal will be for you.

    Cancer changes you
    I don't think it's just chemo that causes these emotions. I didn't have chemo, but having had cancer, I have been through a lot of emotional changes. As I was saying to a fellow cancer patient today, nobody comes through this unscathed. It changes you.

    Having said that, I would not make any major life changes until you settle down some from all you've been through. Good luck with everything. Talk to your husband!

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • robinvan
    robinvan Member Posts: 1,012
    #8
    Life after Cancer
    You have a lot going on. Thank you for trusting enough to "put it out there". It looks like you are getting some helpful advice already.

    First of all congrats on getting to where you are! It sounds like you are in a good place physically and well on the way to putting cancer behind you.

    I think it is normal to question a lot of things after cancer and it is not at all selfish to expect to be appreciated and fulfilled in your relationship.

    Cancer does come into our lives as a "mid-life crisis". It is a brush with death and it affects all facets of our lives including our relationships. I imagine your spouse has not been unchanged by this as well. He's been through a lot too. Is he able to tell you how he feels coming out of this experience?

    Ultimately a crisis provides all kinds of opportunity for change. Some of that change we do not control. But there is much that we can. This is a wonderful time for you to do exactly what you are doing. Reflect on your life and relationships and commit yourself eventually to what is "life-giving". This is a time of growing self-awareness and assertiveness and an opportunity for growth in your relationship with your spouse, if he is able to go there with you.

    By taking your time, being patient and careful, and yet still being assertive and proactive, you can work with your partner to find that new place you would like to see your relationship.

    Sometimes a skilled third party can be very helpful to couples who are facing the kinds of challenges you are. They can provide a safe place for communication, draw people out, help name issues, etc.

    I wish you all the very best as you move through this.

    Peace and blessings... Rob; in Vancouver
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #9
    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • khl8
    khl8 Member Posts: 807
    #10
    Thanks for all your words
    Thanks for all your words and encouragement. I am not going to throw 23 years away just like that. There is so much history there and a life we have built, I guess I am wondering if this is the life I want, note I did say in my original post that I wondered if I would be happier alone. Not with anyone else. When you get sick and I am sure you can all agree, you and your cancer support team go into overdrive, to attack the cancer, make you better, let you live, but when that is over you are left standing in the cold wondering how to pick up the pieces on your own. People expect you to be the same person, and going through this experience you can't, no matter how hard you try. Every day I awake grateful to be alive and every day I want to relish in the fact that I am still here. We only get one shot at this life and don't get me wrong, please. There were problems before I got sick and at that time i felt like I had all the time in the world to fix them, but now?
    This is just so darn hard, my emotions are right at the surface on everything in my life, whether it be my spouse, my kids, my work, everything.
    And here I thought that cancer was my biggest problem in life, go figure!
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #11
    Life changes
    I know that several suggested marriage counseling, but what you and your husband have experienced through your trials with cancer have brought something serious into your relationship. I would suggest finding some counseling which deals specifically with the changes due to cancer diagnosis, treatment, etc.

    Give your husband a chance to learn about the 'new' you. He has been through his own trials with your illness, most likely helplessness at the top of the list.

    No matter how much our family loves us, it is very hard for them to understand what changes we go through in emotions, attitude and outlook. We have to work with them to help them understand who we are now that we have gone through the trial by fire.

    Don't dwell on how your relationship was in the past, work with your husband to establish how you want the relationship to be from this day forward. At some point in the future you will both know if you can be partners for that future.

    Don't make any major life changes yet. Work with him through to an answer both of you can live with.

    Best of luck with all this.

    Marie
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    #12
    Lovekitties said:

    Life changes
    I know that several suggested marriage counseling, but what you and your husband have experienced through your trials with cancer have brought something serious into your relationship. I would suggest finding some counseling which deals specifically with the changes due to cancer diagnosis, treatment, etc.

    Give your husband a chance to learn about the 'new' you. He has been through his own trials with your illness, most likely helplessness at the top of the list.

    No matter how much our family loves us, it is very hard for them to understand what changes we go through in emotions, attitude and outlook. We have to work with them to help them understand who we are now that we have gone through the trial by fire.

    Don't dwell on how your relationship was in the past, work with your husband to establish how you want the relationship to be from this day forward. At some point in the future you will both know if you can be partners for that future.

    Don't make any major life changes yet. Work with him through to an answer both of you can live with.

    Best of luck with all this.

    Marie

    My
    Relationship with my hubby got closer when I got cancer. We were always fighting for the last 2 years because he was never there for me. I know he worked long hours, but with me working also, taking care of the house and the kids, and plays and activities, I felt he would just come home, eat, go to bed, while not even saying Hi to the kids sometimes. I felt like I was doing everything, and he did nothing, he just wasn't emotionally there for me or the kids.

    Then I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cc, mets to the liver. I'm inoperable, and he hasn't left my side since. He took an early layoff from work, because he's scared of leaving me alone, I been in and out of hospitals so much, it scares him that I'll pass out or something while the kids or him are gone, and he will miss something, or won't be there for me. It's been great with us now.

    You have to understand also your husband is flooding with emotions as well. He may not show it, but he is feeling it, and maybe is just trying to adjust as well. I don't blame you for him not saying I love you enough, but do you say it first as well? sometimes making that first move, by touching his hand, or even laying next to him on the couch will make him open up, maybe he just needs to talk to someone, he is maybe going through a depression as well, you never know. My hubby was feeling depressed for awhile, things going through his head while I was really sick. He eventually got himself together, no meds, and is now fine, and we've been laughing and smiling more since it's been months that I been in a hospital! You have to give them time for themselves as well. Maybe he needs a break? I always make my hubby try and go fishing, he loves to fish, just to be sure he has his time from caretaking as well, to be himself. I don't want him to think he has to take care of me 24/7. I know he loves me without saying it, because he shows it alot too, words mean nothing without them showing it to me, and he's done that.

    I hope things do get better for you, and hope you just find your happiness, and he opens up to you.

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • lmliess
    lmliess Member Posts: 329
    #13
    Shayenne said:

    My
    Relationship with my hubby got closer when I got cancer. We were always fighting for the last 2 years because he was never there for me. I know he worked long hours, but with me working also, taking care of the house and the kids, and plays and activities, I felt he would just come home, eat, go to bed, while not even saying Hi to the kids sometimes. I felt like I was doing everything, and he did nothing, he just wasn't emotionally there for me or the kids.

    Then I was diagnosed with Stage 4 cc, mets to the liver. I'm inoperable, and he hasn't left my side since. He took an early layoff from work, because he's scared of leaving me alone, I been in and out of hospitals so much, it scares him that I'll pass out or something while the kids or him are gone, and he will miss something, or won't be there for me. It's been great with us now.

    You have to understand also your husband is flooding with emotions as well. He may not show it, but he is feeling it, and maybe is just trying to adjust as well. I don't blame you for him not saying I love you enough, but do you say it first as well? sometimes making that first move, by touching his hand, or even laying next to him on the couch will make him open up, maybe he just needs to talk to someone, he is maybe going through a depression as well, you never know. My hubby was feeling depressed for awhile, things going through his head while I was really sick. He eventually got himself together, no meds, and is now fine, and we've been laughing and smiling more since it's been months that I been in a hospital! You have to give them time for themselves as well. Maybe he needs a break? I always make my hubby try and go fishing, he loves to fish, just to be sure he has his time from caretaking as well, to be himself. I don't want him to think he has to take care of me 24/7. I know he loves me without saying it, because he shows it alot too, words mean nothing without them showing it to me, and he's done that.

    I hope things do get better for you, and hope you just find your happiness, and he opens up to you.

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna

    I agree with Donna
    Sometimes you have to make the first move. My husband loves me truely but I could mistake him for turning away...after talking about it he admitted that he is letting me run the show. After everything I have been through, he doesn't want to add more pressure or stress on me if I don't want to be smothered. But I do know when i make the first move and give him a big hug or kiss...he glows!

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