pity party

lizzie17
lizzie17 Member Posts: 548
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Has anyone ever been told that they are having a "pity party" by their husband or significant other? I have been trying to be so strong for 18 months after my mastectomy, I do work full-time, and I try to be social and keep up with events, etc. Isn't it okay to have a pity party every few months or so?

Comments

  • Skeezie
    Skeezie Member Posts: 586 Member
    #2
    You bet it is!
    I think you are a saint to have been able to keep working (and I know you had to have felt pretty bad a lot of the time). When I was sick the word "social" was not in my vocabulary. Nor was it in my husband's. I don't want to say anything bad about your husband...but SHAME ON HIM! You have every right to have a pity party whenever you like and it's his job to be understanding. Has he been thru this himself? Doesn't matter, he should be shoulder to shoulder with you and thank his lucky stars you are such a strong person. He should be shoulder to shoulder with you if you AREN'T a strong person. Yes, it's difficult for the spouse during this time, they should be worried to death and totally taking care of you and they don't always get understanding from other people but that's no excuse.

    Break out the noise makers, baloons and horsdervs (spelling?) and throw yourself a huge pity party, but all parties must end and then you go on until the next time you are overwhelmed. We need release valves. Is there anything in particular you are especially sad or upset about? You know you can invite us to your party and we'll all come and bring a dish to pass and hold your hand til the party is over. And you don't have to pretend to be so strong so as not to upset your husband, you need his strength to help you thru this.

    I hope you feel better. Let us know. Let your husband read everyone's replies...mite do him so good.

    Hugs, Judy :-)
  • MAJW
    MAJW Member Posts: 2,510 Member
    #3
    Pity Parties..............
    You are certainly entitled to a "pity party" after what you've been through....If my husband ever told me I was having a pity party, it wouldn't set very well with me! He has been my total, complete rock through all of this......but I will say this.......anyone who has not been through a life threatening disease, can not grasp what goes on inside us.......people say the dumbest things........."
    I wish you well
  • lizzie17
    lizzie17 Member Posts: 548
    #4
    Skeezie said:

    You bet it is!
    I think you are a saint to have been able to keep working (and I know you had to have felt pretty bad a lot of the time). When I was sick the word "social" was not in my vocabulary. Nor was it in my husband's. I don't want to say anything bad about your husband...but SHAME ON HIM! You have every right to have a pity party whenever you like and it's his job to be understanding. Has he been thru this himself? Doesn't matter, he should be shoulder to shoulder with you and thank his lucky stars you are such a strong person. He should be shoulder to shoulder with you if you AREN'T a strong person. Yes, it's difficult for the spouse during this time, they should be worried to death and totally taking care of you and they don't always get understanding from other people but that's no excuse.

    Break out the noise makers, baloons and horsdervs (spelling?) and throw yourself a huge pity party, but all parties must end and then you go on until the next time you are overwhelmed. We need release valves. Is there anything in particular you are especially sad or upset about? You know you can invite us to your party and we'll all come and bring a dish to pass and hold your hand til the party is over. And you don't have to pretend to be so strong so as not to upset your husband, you need his strength to help you thru this.

    I hope you feel better. Let us know. Let your husband read everyone's replies...mite do him so good.

    Hugs, Judy :-)

    pity
    Thank you for your compassion, which is giving me the strength to keep going because I guess I am normal after all. And thank you for your support...... I just wish I could actually talk to him and share my true feelings. Thanks again for grounding me!! And keeping things in perspective because sometimes we just don't feel wonderful, and it is okay.
  • lizzie17
    lizzie17 Member Posts: 548
    #5
    MAJW said:

    Pity Parties..............
    You are certainly entitled to a "pity party" after what you've been through....If my husband ever told me I was having a pity party, it wouldn't set very well with me! He has been my total, complete rock through all of this......but I will say this.......anyone who has not been through a life threatening disease, can not grasp what goes on inside us.......people say the dumbest things........."
    I wish you well

    thanks
    It is nice to read your reply, too, and know that sometimes I just can't put my best foot forward. Actually, his comment did hit me like a ton of bricks. I can only feel like he is sick of this whole ordeal, but I need to keep fighting. Thank you for your well wishes.
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #6
    Party on!
    It's absolutely OK and justified to have a pity party. I think most of us have had them at one time (or many times) or another. Some parties last longer than others, but we've all earned the right to feel sorry for ourselves. This is not a cakewalk!!!

    I can relate to an extent. I think my hubby just wants this over with and even though he's been there for me at every appointment, he's just not the mothering type, and I know he just wants this whole thing to be behind us, and can't really understand everything I'm going through. He does try, though, and I just have to adjust my expectations, and take care of myself first. If he doesn't get it right now, too bad. I do know that he wants me to be well and live for a long time, so I just do what I have to do to accomplish that, help or no help.

    You hang in there. If you need to back off a little from being social, do so. Just do what you need to do to heal yourself.

    Take care,
    Cindy
  • aztec45
    aztec45 Member Posts: 757
    #7
    Yes, Yes, Yes
    Yes. Of course it is alright. It is virtually impossible to be strong, day after day, with all we have to deal with. Eventually, your armour wears thin and the emotions flow. It happens to all of us. You are not alone. Just take it one day at a time and you will get through this. We are here to help you.

    Take care,

    P
  • sbmly53
    sbmly53 Member Posts: 1,522
    #8
    Lizzie,
    I couldn't have made it without my pity parties. If I didn't feel sorry for myself, who would? No one who hasn't been through this knows what it's like and no one I know has been through it.

    My 'down' time didn't last long, a day or 3, but it is an exhausting time and it takes its toll. And we are usually dealing with other things besides.

    When I was down, I felt that there was no plac to go but up. So I allowed myself to feel down and from others here at this site, I knew I wwasn't alone.

    Take care,

    Sue
  • Megan M
    Megan M Member Posts: 3,000
    #9
    MAJW said:

    Pity Parties..............
    You are certainly entitled to a "pity party" after what you've been through....If my husband ever told me I was having a pity party, it wouldn't set very well with me! He has been my total, complete rock through all of this......but I will say this.......anyone who has not been through a life threatening disease, can not grasp what goes on inside us.......people say the dumbest things........."
    I wish you well

    You are entitled to have a
    You are entitled to have a pity party if you want. Look at all that you have been thru. Noone had better ever confront me and think it isn't right, especially my hubby. So sorry
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #10
    PITY PARTIES ARE NORMAL
    Hi Lizzie, I am so sorry your husband is not more tolerant of your situation. Having ones breast removed and fighting cancer to stay alive changes a person forever we are not nor will we ever be the person we were prior to cancer. I am pretty sure if his penis had to be removed and then was still in fear for his life because his illness could return he would have the occasional pity party as well. I do not mean to sound harsh but that is as close to the same thing as what we have to go through that I can come up with. Sometimes men cannot fix us so they get harsh thinking they can harsh us into reality which of course does not work. I husband was and has always been understanding and caring, my dad on the other hand had a very hard time dealing with my mom's double mastectomy the first battle she had. During her second battle he did seek counseling that helped him to deal with his feelings which were truly anger that he could not fix my mom, from then on he was far more kind and caring he was a new man. I hope things get better for you, you sound strong to me so keep that chin up and come here when you need us we will rally with you because we have all been there and we understand.

    RE
  • Lisa1967
    Lisa1967 Member Posts: 9
    #11
    I would think you can have a
    I would think you can have a pity party if you want to. Why not? It's not realistic to slap on a happy face if that's not the way you feel.
  • meena1
    meena1 Member Posts: 1,003
    #12
    Lisa1967 said:

    I would think you can have a
    I would think you can have a pity party if you want to. Why not? It's not realistic to slap on a happy face if that's not the way you feel.

    Pity parties are fine, serve
    Pity parties are fine, serve up the Margaritas! My husband does not understand either and it is so frustrating. I am stage 4 and my hubby thinks i am cured and everything is back to normal. I am in remission, but the fear is still there. you are completely normal. Take care
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #13
    meena1 said:

    Pity parties are fine, serve
    Pity parties are fine, serve up the Margaritas! My husband does not understand either and it is so frustrating. I am stage 4 and my hubby thinks i am cured and everything is back to normal. I am in remission, but the fear is still there. you are completely normal. Take care

    I think my pity parties are
    I think my pity parties are my dealing with how angry i feel at having this diagnosis again. and this one is worse than my first. Sometimes I ask My husband what did I do in some past life, or in the present. I see so many truely MEAN people healthy. Not that I would wish this on anyone. Its hard to reconcile the randomness of these things. Then we have a wonderful spring weekend and I appreciate the small things like SUN. Its up and down. In the past I know it got better and God willing this will too. get your tears out, so you can continue to recover. In my mind its healthy.
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #14
    Pity parties are normal and
    Pity parties are normal and restorative. Always come here when you are feeling down and need support. We GET it. xoxoxoxox Lynn
  • lizzie17
    lizzie17 Member Posts: 548
    #15
    lynn1950 said:

    Pity parties are normal and
    Pity parties are normal and restorative. Always come here when you are feeling down and need support. We GET it. xoxoxoxox Lynn

    thank you everyone!!
    WOW thanks for the support and the OK to feel under the weather emotionally sometimes.
    You are right, this has changed our lives forever. And, when I feel another party coming on (hopefully not for a few months or so) I will come here first!!! Doing better today.
    I seem to do best when I work---it really takes my mind off of how badly it can hurt on the inside, and the outside.

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