Prognosis Question - Should the patient be there when we ask what the prognosis is?

Linda3D said:

Wow!
My question started quite a little discussion, didn't it. Thank you so much everyone for taking the time to write what you have and to explain your views so clearly. (Note to bailey1459. I haven't seen an email from you. Would it be sent to the email address associated with my profile or some message system on this website?)

I believe I need to clarify one thing. We're not suggesting keeping information from dad about his cancer or treatment or from being involved in his treatment. On the contrary, we would LOVE if he actually got more involved. (But that's a subject for another thread.) We want him to be an active participant in his treatment and don't want to keep anything about his treatment from him. But a nurse told us the doctors will not discuss his prognosis unless we ask. Mom wants to know but it appears that dad does not want to know. Well...it's not that he doesn't want to know he just keeps...the way he talks it's like he's got some serious illness (more serious than the flu, for instance) but the doctors are going to treat it and he'll be back to normal in a month or so. So for him there's nothing to ask. He has cancer, they are treating it, he'll get well. Maybe we're wrong, maybe he does get it but this is just his way of keeping a positive attitude but we don't think so. Today, for instance he had the infusion port put in. The surgeon was talking to him about potential infection, stuff like that, and used an example of a woman who had her port in for a year. Dad said that wouldn't be a problem because he doesn't think his port will be in very long. Part of the problem, I think, is that dad has a hearing problem and he misses a lot. Mom and I make a point of telling all the doctors and nurses that and we interrupt regularly to ask dad if he understands, if he heard that, etc. And yet when mom and I say things like 'inoperable' and 'stage IV' dad says he hasn't heard anyone say that. But I'm getting off subject. No one is talking about keeping dad out of his treatment because yes, it is HIS cancer. But asking for a prognosis is not part of the treatment. I think if mom asks that dad needs to be there because he sounds like he just doesn't get it and I think he needs to know. Mom, on the other hand, is concerned that he'll just give up and not try if he hears bad news. Her mother was diagnosed with emphysema, took it as a death sentence, went home, put on her bathrobe and waited to die for 20 years. She stopped living. She doesn't want dad to hear a bad prognosis and give up.

We don't have to ask. We don't have to know. We can just do like we're doing now, continue going for treatment and continue fighting for whatever we're fighting for as long as we have, as long as he has. That is an option. But We do need to get dad to take this more seriously because right now he's not eating or drinking like he should ("I drank a couple of glasses of water today. It's not 8 but I made an effort.") Maybe he'll use the hand sanitizer we bought. ("I don't see me using that.") It's like we see all of this as life and death and he's going to just keep doing what he's always done and get well. It's a mess. And, again, I'm all over the place.

You guys are great - all of you. I'm glad I found you. I'll try to stay more on topic in the future and not ramble as much. Thank you again for taking the time to reply.

Linda
Feeling guilty for rambling so fade to black