Friends and neighbors - should tell??

sanmb
sanmb Member Posts: 10
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi all,
I am not sure if I should let my friends and neighbors know about my diagnosis. If I tell a couple of people, they will let others know.. I may feel uncomfortable when someone asks about how am I doing..On the other hand, I feel bad by not letting them know..they will come to know anyway.. any suggestions/guidance..?? thanks,.,,

Comments

  • phynz13
    phynz13 Member Posts: 5
    #2
    San ~
    It is not an easy
    San ~

    It is not an easy decision. But on the other hand if you have a good circle of friends they will be there to help the best they can just like mine did. My boyfriend broke up with me they week before I was diagnosed so of course I felt doubly devestated. I did let one neighbor know wo he could keep an eye on the house, if it snowed or if he hadnt "seen" me in a while to check me " just in case. Everything will go good for you, I will keep in my thoughts and prayers.

    Hugs, Tray
  • mariam_11_09
    mariam_11_09 Member Posts: 691 Member
    #3
    I told all my very close

    I told all my very close friends and family immediately. Then I told other friends when I bumped into them because I thought they would find out sooner or later and also because I felt I needed to be honest when asked how I was. I also made it clear that I did not mind if they told others.

    The benefit of letting people know is that they usually really want to help which you could do well with during your treatment. I have been very touched by how my friends and family have really extended themselves to help me out.

    best wishes with this and remember your friends and perhaps neighbours will probably want to support you in anyway they can.
  • sanmb
    sanmb Member Posts: 10
    #4
    mariam_11_09 said:

    I told all my very close

    I told all my very close friends and family immediately. Then I told other friends when I bumped into them because I thought they would find out sooner or later and also because I felt I needed to be honest when asked how I was. I also made it clear that I did not mind if they told others.

    The benefit of letting people know is that they usually really want to help which you could do well with during your treatment. I have been very touched by how my friends and family have really extended themselves to help me out.

    best wishes with this and remember your friends and perhaps neighbours will probably want to support you in anyway they can.

    Thank you !!!
    Thank you everyone. It was very helpful..
  • lisasmit
    lisasmit Member Posts: 11
    #5
    Sanmb
    I had many of the same feelings when I was first diagnosed. I think I felt I was losing so much control of my life already to cancer, I did not want to give up any more control or privacy. What I did was to only share with a few trusted people first. I let them know that I did not want to be gushed over, but for them to pray and check in with me. Some friends left it that when I needed them, i would call. As time progressed, I kept the information to those who I felt needed to know. People have been generally very respectful of my privacy and my need to maintain my normal life without cancer. I tell people up front that I appreciate their concern and care, but I do not want to focus all my time and interactions on cancer. I work in an Elementary school, so the staff needed to know, but I also felt that people needed to be told that I have chosen NOT to let students know at this point. At any time I can change that decision; but not at this time. The information has spread, but gently and respectfully. I also took the opportunity to work on my own control issues in having cancer. That is ongoing process that I am adding to this learning curve called breast cancer.

    Lisa
  • sparky72156
    sparky72156 Member Posts: 61
    #6
    I, too, have found that
    I, too, have found that people WANT to help. Sometimes, they don't know what to do to help. You might actually have to take people up on their offers to "help however I (they) can." They don't know that you need milk, or eggs, or to have your laundry done, or whatever. You will need to let them know and, believe me, they really do want to help. They seem thrilled when I actually asked for help when I knew I couldn't do it alone.
  • Rague
    Rague Member Posts: 3,653 Member
    #7
    Anybody that mattered to me
    Anybody that mattered to me or Hubby and Son were told - anybody else - they can MTOB (Mind Their Own Business)
  • ms_independent
    ms_independent Member Posts: 214
    #8
    individual differences

    We all have to find the way that feels right to us. I was diagnosed right after we moved over 500 miles. I had only met a few neighbors but, had no relationship with them. So, we didn't tell them. as time goes on I'm sure we'll "let it out" as we get to know people.

    My sister (a 2 time bc survivor) advised me to tell everybody. She said we would be surprised where our main support came from, also surprised who it didn't come from. She was so right!

    My husband asked me to tell my journey on "caringbridge.org". It's a free site that allows you to tell your story and give updates. You email the link to whoever you want to know what is going on. We were so exhausted after telling just our families that we wanted a way to not have to keep telling stuff over and over. It also has a place for people to respond to your posts. I cannot tell you how much those responses (encouragement, compassion, love....all the good stuff)helped us through the worst of it. I was reluctant to do it but felt I was being unfair to my husband. Because most of the telling would fall to him. And as my only caregiver he was going to be stretched super thin already. To my surprise, the act of writing what was going on was sooooo good for me. It helped me to put things in perspective and I also let out more of what I was really feeling than I would have face to face. It's not something everybody wants to do, it was/is just the way that worked for me. The gift to my husband became a gift for me too.

    You will find the way that works for you. Listen to that little voice inside---you'll know what is right for you. So sorry you have to be here but, glad you found this community.

    Hugs, El
  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762
    #9
    ms_independent said:

    individual differences

    We all have to find the way that feels right to us. I was diagnosed right after we moved over 500 miles. I had only met a few neighbors but, had no relationship with them. So, we didn't tell them. as time goes on I'm sure we'll "let it out" as we get to know people.

    My sister (a 2 time bc survivor) advised me to tell everybody. She said we would be surprised where our main support came from, also surprised who it didn't come from. She was so right!

    My husband asked me to tell my journey on "caringbridge.org". It's a free site that allows you to tell your story and give updates. You email the link to whoever you want to know what is going on. We were so exhausted after telling just our families that we wanted a way to not have to keep telling stuff over and over. It also has a place for people to respond to your posts. I cannot tell you how much those responses (encouragement, compassion, love....all the good stuff)helped us through the worst of it. I was reluctant to do it but felt I was being unfair to my husband. Because most of the telling would fall to him. And as my only caregiver he was going to be stretched super thin already. To my surprise, the act of writing what was going on was sooooo good for me. It helped me to put things in perspective and I also let out more of what I was really feeling than I would have face to face. It's not something everybody wants to do, it was/is just the way that worked for me. The gift to my husband became a gift for me too.

    You will find the way that works for you. Listen to that little voice inside---you'll know what is right for you. So sorry you have to be here but, glad you found this community.

    Hugs, El

    everybody's different. I used Facebook
    to let my friends know. I have kept them up with my status ever since on there.
    Most have been very helpful and almost all have offered to help in any way.
    Just an idea.
  • susanleeann
    susanleeann Member Posts: 58
    #10
    for me it was weird. i
    for me it was weird. i didn't want anyone to know at first. maybe a month went by and i barely told my family. but all of a sudden i started passing people in the hall that i only see on occasionally at work, they would say "hi, how you doing?" and i would stop and turn and say-- doing pretty good, i have breast cancer. don't know what came over me. i think i was more free by talking about it. i was definitely not looking for sympathy. but the more i talked about it, i was more relaxed about it. and that can only help with how you cope with the whole great big thing. having cancer takes over you life, your thoughts, even when what you are doing has nothing to with the big C, it is hanging back in your thoughts, waiting to jump out at you.
    another benefit from telling people is that then there are all that many more people praying for you. definite advantage there.
    that's what it did, i think i rambled a bit there but then, rambling helps too.
  • JanInMN
    JanInMN Member Posts: 149
    #11
    Hi!
    I chose to tell everyone right away. I sent an email out to neighbors, called close friends/family, posted on FB for more "distant" friends. For me, it has been great to have the support of everyone. Some people have kept their distance, but not many. It is hard to keep a "secret" for sure. When I told people, I said there could be no "drama", so if you are going to ask how I am, you need to say, "how the h##l are ya?", and if you are sending me a card, it better have puppies or a hot guy on it! Consider opening yourself up to the kindness of the people you trust...((HUGS))
  • JanInMN
    JanInMN Member Posts: 149
    #12
    Mama G said:

    everybody's different. I used Facebook
    to let my friends know. I have kept them up with my status ever since on there.
    Most have been very helpful and almost all have offered to help in any way.
    Just an idea.

    FB too!
    Mama G...I made my husband post on FB right after I came out of surgery. Love FB!
  • Chrispea
    Chrispea Member Posts: 123 Member
    #13
    At first, I didn't want to
    At first, I didn't want to tell anyone. Then I had to meet with my sons 5th grade teacher, and I felt that I should tell her in case something should happen or my son started to act weird... I wasn't sure how the kids would react. She has been the greatest person. I just love her. She gave me an aloe vera plant for when I get rads. She's sweet.

    Of course I told my family first. Then, I told my neighbors, one of which is my hair dresser, and I came to find out her sister had BC about 7 years ago, in her early 30's. My hair dresser gave me my last hair cut for free, and often watches my kids before school when I have to leave super early for my chemo. She's great.

    My other neighbors brought me food.

    Later on, I started to tell other people. I don't know why either. Like the lady at Starbucks... she asked me how I was and I told her that I have BC. I also talk to her about our kids because they're both in the same grade and the same school, so we had that in common.

    I also blogged about my experience. I feel why keep it in? Let's shout to the world that we have it. I figure maybe we can help someone who might not otherwise have gotten a mammogram or did a self breast exam.

    I own my own business, and told my closest clients, but didn't tell some of the others since I only occasionally do jobs with them. I figured they didn't need to know. I told the ones we work with day to day in case there were days that I couldn't work. They've also been great.

    Everyone is very supportive.

    OH, this is funny... if I talk to a woman on the phone, say I need to call the cable company, I'll end my conversation by telling her to feel her boobies! ;)
  • cats_toy
    cats_toy Member Posts: 1,462 Member
    #14
    letting people know
    I went to work the next day, told most everyone. Explained that as I am here every day, I don't want anyone to feel funny around me. Told them to ask any question they come up with and I will try to answer as best as I could. My experiences, good and back, were an open book.
    I called my mom, who promptly emailed everyone she knew asking for prayers, then forwarded all of their responses to me.
    As I was always bald, my neighbors figured something was up too and would come by and ask how I was doing.
    I had all of the support I needed from home, neighbors, friends and office. Especially the co-workers as they saw me every day going through surgery chemo and rads. They got more used to seeing me bald than I ever did, and I always felt surrounded by nothing but positive uplifting people.
    I never regretted sharing, in fact it made the whole Funhouse ride easier on me from beginning to end.
    Everyone needs to make their own choices, and I am still glad that I shared.
    Take care
    Cat
  • Cairmaid
    Cairmaid Member Posts: 64
    #15
    You'll find what works best for you
    I didn't want to "advertise" since I live in a small town. My husband was the first person I told. I told my son, who lives halfway across the country, but only because he calls me at work and I didn't want someone else to tell him I was out sick for a month. Then I told my supervisor (male) and the rest (5) of my all-female co-workers, because somebody had to do my job while I was gone. They ended up hiring my best-friend-at-work's sister-in-law as a temp...told you it was a small town :-)

    I put myself on the prayer list at church and asked that it be kept confidential, i.e., not publishing my name in the bulletin or announcing it in church. I think half the members are on the prayer team anyway. Our dearest family friends are a couple in their 80's and she's already on the prayer team so I didn't have to tell her. I had to laugh, though...her husband asked me during after-worship fellowship when my surgery was scheduled: he's hard-of-hearing so he talks kind of loud, too :-)

    After my surgery, I couldn't shower so I decided to have my hairdresser wash my hair...I told her. No freebies, though.

    My pharmacist goes to our church. He filled my prescription for Femara, so he knows, too.

    I didn't have very many awkward moments. I didn't go to any of my normal haunts almost from the time of my diagnosis until a week after my radiation was done, so I could truly tell people "I'm doing OK"...which has always been my regular response :-)
  • DebbyM
    DebbyM Member Posts: 3,289 Member
    #16
    Rague said:

    Anybody that mattered to me
    Anybody that mattered to me or Hubby and Son were told - anybody else - they can MTOB (Mind Their Own Business)

    This is such an individual
    This is such an individual decision. None of us feel the same. I didn't care who knew. I knew that I needed strength and prayers from anyone. Tell who you feel comfortable in knowing.

    Hugs, Debby
  • realitychick
    realitychick Member Posts: 6
    #17
    I'm torn on this issue too

    I just got diagnosed last week with DCIS stage 0 and I haven't been able to decide if I should tell my two best friend, mainly because one will worry his self to death over it, and the other one I can barely get a word in edgewise when we talk. She is in another state and her drama always seems to take precedence over anything else, so I kind of figure why bother? Maybe this will change after I see the surgeon.

    I did confide in a male co-worker, and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made because he had breast cancer at 15 and has lost multiple members of his family to it.
    I have sworn him to secrecy because I to do not want to have people looking at me with pity or asking me how I am feeling every day. It's weird because the spot was so small they could hardly find it when doing the biopsy, so I just don't feel like I can call it cancer even and don't want really want to. I do have sudden bouts of depression and axiety now, but at least I was prescribed something to help so I can get through work.
  • Youcandothis
    Youcandothis Member Posts: 79
    #18
    realitychick said:

    I'm torn on this issue too

    I just got diagnosed last week with DCIS stage 0 and I haven't been able to decide if I should tell my two best friend, mainly because one will worry his self to death over it, and the other one I can barely get a word in edgewise when we talk. She is in another state and her drama always seems to take precedence over anything else, so I kind of figure why bother? Maybe this will change after I see the surgeon.

    I did confide in a male co-worker, and it turned out to be the best decision I could have made because he had breast cancer at 15 and has lost multiple members of his family to it.
    I have sworn him to secrecy because I to do not want to have people looking at me with pity or asking me how I am feeling every day. It's weird because the spot was so small they could hardly find it when doing the biopsy, so I just don't feel like I can call it cancer even and don't want really want to. I do have sudden bouts of depression and axiety now, but at least I was prescribed something to help so I can get through work.

    So personal
    Depends on your work or professional status too. I was very upfront, told everyone. Continued gym workouts all through surgery chemo and rad, talked to anyone interested. Figure mammogram gave me better chance by finding it early--2a--I owe it to my sisters to encourage them to be vigilant. I just wore a kerchief over my bald head, so people guessed anyway.

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