What to expect as I care for my Mother-In-Law

bastian
bastian Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Last week the decision was made to not do Chemotherapy. My MIL has IV NSCLC that has spread to her lymph nodes, her brain and now her spine. This was all found a month ago when the tumor in her brain was found. She had brain surgery to remove it and the biopsy said it started in her lungs.

She did not have any tumor on her spine just 4 weeks ago and now with the latest CT scan a tumor has grown so large it has broken her T2 vertebrae. She is doing whole brain radiation and now she started 10 days of radiation to the tumor on her back. The doctor said it was to hopefully shrink the tumor and reduce the pain from the size of the tumor.

She lives alone, about 5 minutes from my job and about 10 minutes when I'm at home. Her son and I have three children and we both work full time - he works 45 minutes away.

She does not want Hospice. I feel they are wonderful but she feels they killed her husband when he had cancer. It's an arguement I'm not ready to have with her right now but I'm just not sure what to expect now with her care. She isn't able to drive anymore. Her legs are very weak. She has the shakes really bad. Her brain incision had to be restitched because it wont heal. She got thrush...

All of this but yet, she wakes up some days and feels fine. By mid-afternoon not so much though.

She doesn't want anyone to move in with her. We talked about shift work to stay with her as things progress but I'm not sure if I'll see things progress. I see her every day and I know she's worse than a month ago, the doctor told her on average with her agressive disease people live 3 months but he said that people don't come with experation dates and she could have much longer or much less, he's not God and doesn't know but will give her the best care he can.

How will I know when it's time to increase our stays with her? She fell yesterday, her legs just gave out. I was worried all night but 3 phone calls and a visit later, I think I was more annoying then helpful. She lays on the couch a lot but for the pain, she sits in the bath tub 3 x a day. She says she'll know when she can't get out anymore and start to ask for help. RIGHT! Just like falling yesterday - it was a shock. How does one know? Just like now, I'm just confused about what to do next with her and her care. She's only 57 years old. Her son is 38 and I'm 34 but let me tell you, I feel like an unsure 12 year old right now.

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Decisions
    It's hard to know what's right or wrong in these situations. I think you do need to follow the wishes of your mother-in-law for the most part. It is her life and death. Maybe your husband and other family members need to hold a family meeting with her. Let her know how worried you are about her falling, etc. Maybe she will let someone stay with her at least part time if she understands that it is as much for your peace of mind as well as her well being. An aide doesn't have to be a hospice one. She is dealing with a very difficult reality. Denial of the need for help may be helping her cope. Our parents don't want to be a "burden." Let her know that worrying about her is the greater burden right now. This is a very hard time for everyone. Also, take care of yourself and your family. That is your number one job. You sound like a very caring daughter-in-law. The final decision on how to proceed is not yours. Just keep doing the best you can.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    impossible situation
    What an impossible situation. It feels so wrong to just let her keep falling and barely getting by, doesn't it? I would open a dialog with a hospice agency or two until you find an intake nurse you feel that you want to have in your life. They can help with your mother-in-law's hostility as they help her with other things.

    A friend who's mother died of brain cancer says the worst day was when the family called hospice against her mother's wishes. "why are you doing this to me" and that kind of thing. But the heartbreak passed in a day her mother did accept the help she needed.

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