Remission

I think what you feel ( & what THEY feel) is perfectly normal.
I know exactly what you're talking about. Everyone who loves you is consistently upbeat and positive throughout your cancer journey, and although that is TRULY the only response they can handle (and probably the only response from them that YOU could handle!), somehow it invalidates the enormity and pain and fear of the journey you are travelling. We've all heard it from so many genuinely well-meaning people who say "With your positive attitude you will surely beat this!" (Oh, if ONLY that was all it took!! Optimisitic positive people with cancer die every day in spite of their hope and outlook. And yet, what is life without hope? And so we hope. But I digress here; back to your post:)

I've thought about this, and find it very similar to people's well-meaning responses to the loss of a loved one. People say things just as silly, sincerely meaning well, and the same type of anger can flare up when you are in grief and their platitudes seem to invalidate and minimize what you are going through. When my sister was killed in a car accident, I remember how ANGRY I felt at all of the people who said "How wonderful that her donated organs are making it possible for all of these other people to have a better life!" All I could think was that I would let every one of those other people die to have her back with me. But how could anyone who had never been through that possibly KNOW that I was feeling that way??!!

And how can anyone who cares about you possibly KNOW what you have been through? And, honey, you don't ever want them to know, not really, if 'personal experience' is the only way to know. So please let go of your anger. You have come back from a dark place to stand whole again in the light. SMILE! FORGIVE! Let go of the anger and let the joy and love wash over you. There's nothing for you in nursing these hurts and your anger; let them go.

Great advice
Linda and Northwoodsgirl have said it very well.....great advice and oh, so true.

Don't waste your precious energy on things you can't change!! So glad that you are able to express your feelings here as we do know what you are experiencing!!

Karen

lindaprocopio said:

I think what you feel ( & what THEY feel) is perfectly normal.
I know exactly what you're talking about. Everyone who loves you is consistently upbeat and positive throughout your cancer journey, and although that is TRULY the only response they can handle (and probably the only response from them that YOU could handle!), somehow it invalidates the enormity and pain and fear of the journey you are travelling. We've all heard it from so many genuinely well-meaning people who say "With your positive attitude you will surely beat this!" (Oh, if ONLY that was all it took!! Optimisitic positive people with cancer die every day in spite of their hope and outlook. And yet, what is life without hope? And so we hope. But I digress here; back to your post:)

I've thought about this, and find it very similar to people's well-meaning responses to the loss of a loved one. People say things just as silly, sincerely meaning well, and the same type of anger can flare up when you are in grief and their platitudes seem to invalidate and minimize what you are going through. When my sister was killed in a car accident, I remember how ANGRY I felt at all of the people who said "How wonderful that her donated organs are making it possible for all of these other people to have a better life!" All I could think was that I would let every one of those other people die to have her back with me. But how could anyone who had never been through that possibly KNOW that I was feeling that way??!!

And how can anyone who cares about you possibly KNOW what you have been through? And, honey, you don't ever want them to know, not really, if 'personal experience' is the only way to know. So please let go of your anger. You have come back from a dark place to stand whole again in the light. SMILE! FORGIVE! Let go of the anger and let the joy and love wash over you. There's nothing for you in nursing these hurts and your anger; let them go.

Congratulations!
Congrats on being NED! And please don't be too hard on yourself. Your feelings are your feelings, but I do agree that you need to let them go. I have felt the same thing many times on this journey, but I am learning to give less credit to negatives. In the big picture, when it is all said and done the positive emotions are wayyyyy more important.
Again, congratulations on your new beginning. Enjoy getting married and live a long happy, healthy life!

Caradavin said:

Thanks for your replies
Thank you. I feel foolish for posting that. I was intensely emotional. I just received the information that afternoon. I know I should be grateful. I did receive a lot of attention when I was first diagnosed, and people called less. That is true. It is good that all of this is normal on both my part and my family's. I guess I need to let go of some stuff and grow up. I have a wedding to plan, too. Thanks for such thoughtful and helpful replies; they really helped put things in perspective. I was smiling for a while after the diagnosis. I should remember that feeling.

Just one question, why do I feel like I'm grieving? I feel like I'm grieving some loss now. Is that normal, too? What in the world.

HMMM!
Some food for thought which I have pondered..... for what it's worth.....

In Carl Simonton's book Getting Well Again, he tells us (cancer patients) to do some soul searching. One issue is the "secondary gain" we get by being sick (people paying attention to us, gifts, pity, etc). Unless we recognize this and are willing to let go of these gains, we will stay sick.

Don't just survive, THRIVE!!!

Caradavin said:

Ok. I kind of figured that.
Ok. I kind of figured that. I had been ignored for so long before this that I did feel that way. I need to get that book, it sounds like something that would benefit the mind and heart.

Your emotions
Your feelings are your feelings and sometimes you just have to feel them so you can open the window and set them free. I have decided that going through cancer treatment is rough and that when it is finished you almost feel a post traumatic stress syndrome. Perhaps they could have been more supportive. I don't know. I believe talking to a therapist really helps you to understand your feelings.

I had breast cancer ten years ago and then had papillary serous uterine cancer ten years later. My family seemed better this time, they knew how to roll up their sleeves and help. So there is a learning curve for all of us. Sometimes family doesn't know what to say. My husband told me once, we're all scared too. Sometimes we don't know what to say.

I have two friends and we all have a very serious cancer. I don't mean to be irreverant, but sometimes we get together and laugh at all the stupid things people say to us. One woman suggested giving my clothes to her Church. A woman shouted out in a restaurant to me last week, "I can't believe how good you look." I've learned to accept that sometimes people just don't know what to say. I don't let them spoil my day anymore.

I still think a little therapy would help you. It takes some adjustment to get back into normal after what you have been through.

Wow, I feel like I could
Wow, I feel like I could have written your post myself. I feel for you, and your situation. I wish no one else had to deal with it too, but I guess I find a small amount of comfort in knowing that I am not the only person dealing with these issues.

I really always thought that everything would play out differently, and when daydreaming about the day that I might finally go into remission I had visions of people celebrating with me... maybe dinner or a party... at least a card or two? But none of that has happened, only alot of I told you so's, and "see you should have been more positive the whole time".

I for one am disappointed, and feeling pretty lonely. I think I feel more lonely now than I did when I was first diagnosed.