depressed and don't know what to do

crose
crose Member Posts: 9
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
As my husband's illness (stage 4 EC)goes on, I get more depressed. He's completely shut me out in the process. On his better days, he prefers to spend time at the bar with people who have no positive expectations of him. On his days he's feeling bad, he snaps at me or makes demands to do stuff for him right away.
The one who was once my partner is gone forever, even though he is still around physically. This is very, very painful and lonely. I don't know how to connect with him any more.
Some days I don't want to wake up.

How do you cope?

Comments

  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #2
    Hugs!
    Don is also in late stage 4. He's struggling with the physical aspects a lot, gets very little sleep and is having trouble eating. His oncologist refuses to talk about where we are and, in fact, lied to Don about it while at the same time taking him off the med and referring him to a center. The surgeon who was going to do some work on the tumors did sit down with Don and talk to him about the strong possibility that he might not make it. He got Don to agree to talk to hospice after he returns from our appt. at the cancer center. However, at this moment, Don understandably still has some hope that there will be something else to try. In the meantime the youngest girl (22) is working on him to give her his car because he's going to die.

    Don has always been tough and strong and absolutely positive and cheerful. He tries hard to be that way now. When he's grouchy or upset now, he apologizes afterwards and I reassure him that it's okay. But he's upset that he is upset if you can see what I mean. He wants me to always be cheerful and happy and smiling and calm. I never was an Oscar nominee, but after this, I may make room on the mantel. I don't do it well, but I try.

    I think that as lonely as you are (and me, too, sometimes), our husbands are lonely, too. Don has great faith, but this is a situation where he's facing things he has no control over. I hope that if the specialists talk to him, it will give him somewhere flat to stand on. I think it must be terrible to be almost sure what will happen and yet still have a little hope that it won't. Don is all for protecting the people he loves and he rarely talks to me about what he's feeling. He is struggling with the idea that he won't be around to "take care" of me. He has always been so independent and active; losing a lot of that is devestating to him.

    Maybe your husband needs to pretend that things are the way they used to be and the bar and people there are great props for this. And maybe because he loves you, he feels that it's okay to snap at you or unload on you. I don't say you can take it as a sign of trust and affection, but it may be just that.

    How do you cope? I wish I could tell you. I really do. Don just wants me to be happy. I don't cry when he's around and I try always to make little jokes. I point out or suggest things we can look forward to. I fall on other people for support. (Don would hate that because he's a private person, but I have to do that in order to be good for him.)I promise myself that when I no longer have to, I won't ever see the two younger kids again. That alone cheers me up a little. I work full-time and somehow get thru without making horrible mistakes so far; while I'm at work, I wonder how he's doing at home.

    Some days the only reason I get out of bed is to wonder if I can fall under a bus.

    However, if I did that, Don wouldn't have anyone to really care about him so I avoid the bus routes.

    Come and talk here. We all understand. Maybe we can get thru this together.
  • SueC21
    SueC21 Member Posts: 11
    #3
    ruthelizabeth said:

    Hugs!
    Don is also in late stage 4. He's struggling with the physical aspects a lot, gets very little sleep and is having trouble eating. His oncologist refuses to talk about where we are and, in fact, lied to Don about it while at the same time taking him off the med and referring him to a center. The surgeon who was going to do some work on the tumors did sit down with Don and talk to him about the strong possibility that he might not make it. He got Don to agree to talk to hospice after he returns from our appt. at the cancer center. However, at this moment, Don understandably still has some hope that there will be something else to try. In the meantime the youngest girl (22) is working on him to give her his car because he's going to die.

    Don has always been tough and strong and absolutely positive and cheerful. He tries hard to be that way now. When he's grouchy or upset now, he apologizes afterwards and I reassure him that it's okay. But he's upset that he is upset if you can see what I mean. He wants me to always be cheerful and happy and smiling and calm. I never was an Oscar nominee, but after this, I may make room on the mantel. I don't do it well, but I try.

    I think that as lonely as you are (and me, too, sometimes), our husbands are lonely, too. Don has great faith, but this is a situation where he's facing things he has no control over. I hope that if the specialists talk to him, it will give him somewhere flat to stand on. I think it must be terrible to be almost sure what will happen and yet still have a little hope that it won't. Don is all for protecting the people he loves and he rarely talks to me about what he's feeling. He is struggling with the idea that he won't be around to "take care" of me. He has always been so independent and active; losing a lot of that is devestating to him.

    Maybe your husband needs to pretend that things are the way they used to be and the bar and people there are great props for this. And maybe because he loves you, he feels that it's okay to snap at you or unload on you. I don't say you can take it as a sign of trust and affection, but it may be just that.

    How do you cope? I wish I could tell you. I really do. Don just wants me to be happy. I don't cry when he's around and I try always to make little jokes. I point out or suggest things we can look forward to. I fall on other people for support. (Don would hate that because he's a private person, but I have to do that in order to be good for him.)I promise myself that when I no longer have to, I won't ever see the two younger kids again. That alone cheers me up a little. I work full-time and somehow get thru without making horrible mistakes so far; while I'm at work, I wonder how he's doing at home.

    Some days the only reason I get out of bed is to wonder if I can fall under a bus.

    However, if I did that, Don wouldn't have anyone to really care about him so I avoid the bus routes.

    Come and talk here. We all understand. Maybe we can get thru this together.

    I know how you feel
    My husband was recently diagnosed with Stage 4 NSCLC and he had always told me that if he could not take care of his family he would rather die. I try to stay positive and be his light at the end of this dark tunnel. Even when he pulls aways and trys to introvert his feelings.

    There are times that I am very lonely, that I feel no one knows how I am feeling. I have looked to this site to be a support system for me, so that I can be a support system for him.

    I had never been an openly affectionate person, but the cancer has changed all that. I openly hug and kiss him, tell him that I love him. I try to put a positive spin on everything and we even make jokes about the cancer and him dying. Because sometimes that is all you have. I try to point out how important it is to appreciate the time we have left, whatever that may be. I tell him to think of himself as someone "living with cancer".

    Sometimes it is hard and I wish that someone would just shoot me, but then I remember that I need to hang on for him and our daughter. So hang in there and try to remember to do some nice things for yourself. The other day I went out for lunch and then got a hair cut, just me by myself and I felt so much better afterwards. And you know, I am a much better caregiver for him, in doing that for myself.

    So stay strong, your husband needs you and don't be afraid to tell him that you are there for him and love him very much, even if he doesn't return the gesture. I am sure he appreciate it.

    You are not alone. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers
    Sue

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