Need advice from granmafay

Not Sure I Can Help
I'm not sure how much I can help. This is a very tough time. It is really hard to watch the loves of our lives lose their lives. My husband did have colon cancer. His pain was primarily in his back where he had a large tumor. He had two removed, but the third one was inoperable. He was in pain for more than a year, and slept in a chair because it hurt to lay down. We did work with a pain specialist which made the pain somewhat manageable.

Doug was a very determined guy. He had friends he wanted to see and places he wanted to go. We even went out to lunch with friends,and he would have soup. The last couple of weeks he either used a walker or was in a wheelchair. He was able to go to the bathroom with the help of the walker until just two days before his death. He fell once, and we had to call the fire department to get some assistance getting him up.

Now those last few days. As you said, each case is different. On Friday, we drove home from Yosemite. He wanted to go there and stay at the historic hotel, so we went. It's about a two and a half hour trip. He slept most of the way home. On Saturday, I asked hospice for a hospital bed and alerted the family and a few close friends that he was failing. On Sunday our family, friends, and pastor came to visit. He was able to visit and have conversations although he slept a lot. On Monday, he was unable to communicate much, a few one word answers. At times, he seemed a bit distressed about something like he might be having bad dreams, but he calmed down when we spoke to him. Our pastor came and played his guitar and sang. He seemed to be aware of the music, sometimes nodding his head. The pain meds seemed to be keeping him comfortable. That evening, he seemed at peace. I had told him many times that he could go when he was ready. That evening, I told him that it was alright to go towards the light. Then he just slipped away in his sleep early the next morning.

I don't know if any of this helps. Please feel free to PM me any time. I am also sending my phone number in a PM. Call me anytime. Fay

SamsWife said:

Advice
Hi,

Thank you for getting back with me and sharing such a difficult time with me. Wow! Your husband sounds like an amazingly strong person! We're doing okay and Sam seems to be resting peacefully. He isn't communicating well any longer. He just about wasn't able to make it back to bed from the bathroom today. I'm worried we're getting close. I do hope he goes peacefully before the cancer causes any more troubles for him. He has large tumors in his left lung, back, and the left and right sides of his abdomen. The hospice nurse said it is inevitable it will go to his bones - I just pray for peace for him the rest of the way. I probably sounded selfish in my last message - worrying about myself more than him - it's just so hard to watch! I changed my settings to be able to accept personal messages.

Thank you so much!

PM & Courage
I will PM my email and phone number. Sometimes I think we make too much of strength and courage. When faced with a difficult time we get through it however we can. No, you're not selfish to think of yourself as well as your husband. We do need to care for ourselves in order to care for them. It sounds like your husband has found some peace. We can't just take a painkiller to stop our hurt. I was blessed with a husband who understood that. The day before he passed away he actually apologized for "putting you through this." I told him the cancer was putting me through this, not him. Needless to say, all of this was said through tears. I also told him the if he was an s.o.b. none of us would care.

A note about guilt, too: I always felt guilty when I thought about the future without my husband. I had to force myself to ask the difficult questions about where things were and what he wanted me to do with all his various collections. We had a trust, so much of what we have was taken care of there, but there were those collections. I'm glad I did now. Not only do I have the information that I need, but by asking I encouraged him to give some of his prized possessions to friends he wanted to have them. Those were very special moments that really made him feel good. They were sometimes hard to watch, but I'm sure the recipients treasure those things more since they came directly from him.

Boy, give me a chance to share, and I go on and on. Both of you take care. I know you will handle the end, when it comes, in your own special way. We do find the courage and the strength to go on, but it ain't easy. Fay