No so alone

Hello everyone, it's been a long time since I've posted. My husband was diagnosed in July of 2007 and he is currently losing his battle with colon cancer. I hope it's okay to post this - it seems that everyone is so positive and I don't want to be a downer.

I want to start by saying that the reason for this post is that I hope it will be helpful for someone else going through what I am going through. My husband and I have been married for many years and it has been a long and lonely time for me. For many, many years he ignored me and the kids and just went on with his life - I suspect and am pretty certain that he had a girlfriend or two along the way. After many years of sucking it all up and "staying married for the kids", I finally had enough pain and loneliness and decided that when the kids were old enough for me to go to work, I would seek a divorce. The kids never really knew how distant we were but they have certainly noticed that we didn't interact much. We played the game socially and for extended family and we really never openly fought in front of the kids. Well, he became ill and needed to be cared for. After a while, he did start to spend more time with the kids but the marriage just deteriorated even more throughout his illness. He truly has been a very difficult person to live with for a very, very long time - self centered and arrogant and was never really interested in how we felt about things. He has deteriorated rapidly in the last week, but even as much as a few weeks ago, he wanted to separate so he could die in the company of another woman, which confirmed all of my earlier suspicions. This was very confusing to me because, even though the marriage was over, I thought we had worked through a lot and agreed that we would stay a "whole" family through this and I would care for him and he would be with his children and then he dropped that bomb - it was hard for me to be understaning about him wanting to distance himself from his children to be with someone else. I truly thought we had reached a nice friendship which really was progress for us and caring for him was a gift I wanted to give him and the kids. I really had no problem with him spending time with someone else - I had mourned the end of the marriage a long time ago and I truly wanted him to have good times before he passes. I just really had a hard time with him wanting to be away from the kids. Right about that time, he had another health crisis and like I said has deteriorated rapidly so any plans to separate are not possible. Anyway, having said all of that, I have come to a place where I have so much compassion for him right now - I truly have never seen someone suffer more than he has and it truly breaks my heart. Given what we're dealing with now, and as hard as it was, I really am grateful that we didn't divorce and he is here with people who care about him. I can't really forget about all of the hard times in the marriage, but on a human level, I'm truly grateful that I can show him gentleness and kindness through this, oh so lonely transition from this world - it's hard work, sad and exhausting but I am committed to his care. I have to say that I would not recommend to anyone to stay in a bad marriage - it just about ruined my emotional health, but given what we've been through with this terrible, terrible cancer journey - I'm grateful to have found a place of peace and compassion and friendship and, in some ways, beauty (I hope that doesn't offend anyone) at this time.

Thanks so much for listening - I've been reading the posts and I haven't felt so alone through this trial.

God bless to you all!