No chemo today - frustration.

Since my daughter has been sick, my husband took the day off to drive me to chemo. But, no chemo. My oncologist said he was still studying what the pharmacist sent him, and waiting on the results of my stress echocardiog​ram which was yesterday afternoon, before making a decision. Then he wanted to talk with me again about my past reactions to the oxy today, before he confirmed his decision.

Now my schedule and life will be a mess for a while. The plan is a specific desensitiza​tion to get me through more oxaliplatin.​ My oncologist is known for being one of the most aggressive around. He also has some of the best stats as far as less recurrances of cancer by his patients. I do NOT want to go through chemo again, so I need to suck it up and push the limits this time. I have to do all I can now to make sure it never comes back.

So, I will take steroids twice per day Friday, Saturday and Sunday; 16mg total per day of Decadron. I will also take Benadryl 25mg, every 6 hours starting tomorrow morning. Then I will get chemo in the hospital on Monday. They will start with a very small amount of the oxy, and slowly increase it through out the day. It will take all day for me to get it.

Monday? That is the worst part of all of this. I have my youngest son next week too. Monday I spend the entire day at the hospital, but if all goes well, I go home that night, hooked up to my pump. Tuesday I'm hooked up to my pump - and Wednesday hooked up all day with an evening dis​connect. I'm usually getting really miserable by disconnect time (which is usually Saturday early afternoon), and the next couple days are my worst. This time that will be Thursday and Friday. How in the heck am I supposed to work? I'm so far behind right now, and beyond stressed out. I won't be able to sleep Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday... Larger doses of steroids really jack me up. But it isn't real productive.​ I get exhausted, but can't sleep and my brain won't work right. And I get moody. Not a good combo. I feel sorry for my family this weekend.

May​be the steroids will give me some sort of appetite so I can get a couple more pounds back on before Monday. I can count on losing at least 6 pounds per cycle, and I keep trying to put it back on, but I just don't quite make it. Now I'm down below where they want me - especially knowing I'll drop 6 more pounds. My nausea is only mild most of the time, but I just don't have an appetite. I search for something that sounds good to eat, and just don't find it. I only eat because I have to. It gets maddening when I think of something that does sound good, only to fix it, or have Bruce or Vicki make it for me, then take a bite and decide there is no way I can eat it. Food doesn't taste like it should. Some things have been tasting closer to normal the last few days, but other things are still way off. And I don't know till I try. And once I try something that is awful to me, I can't think of eating anything at that point.

And to top it off my oldest daughter leaves earl​y morning on Sunday. I was really hoping to be feeling somewhat better by the time she leaves - hoping to spend time together Saturday feeling somewhat like a human being again, but from past experience I know I won't because it will still be chemo week...And she has a job this weekend setting up a trade show. I'm getting down to my last days with her.

Well​, one good thing - I have an extra 4 days off in between chemo treatments.​ I'll get to watch the Vikings Sunday without feeling too bad. I have a few days to get more work done and try to get closer to caught up. Then I'll push the next cycle out by 3 days to get back on schedule. Back to Thursdays, with my better days being when Ryan is here, rather than my worse ones.

Unfortunate​ly this means all my hopes of any chance of spending our anniversary on the island like we always do are gone. I knew the chances weren't great, but I've been hanging on to that bit of hope. April just seems so far away. Being stuck in this dreary winter doesn't do much for me physically or mentally. I'm frustrated and angry today. I went into this thinking "I'm tough and will get through this easily." Not true. It isn't easy - other than the original colon resection surgery and recovering from that, none of this has been easy. And it is wearing me down. I need to find another attitude adjustment.​ I hope it is coming soon.

Well, I have a weekend to work, to get a little cleaning done around the house, and to try and put on a few pounds. Then I get to go see the wonderful staff of the 5th floor at the Ridges again. At least I'm not getting thrown somewhere unfamiliar.​ The staff there is great, and I haven't visited for a while as patient or visitor. Last time I saw them, I said I hoped I didn't see them again for a long time. I guess it is sooner rather than later. And I'll probably be seeing them every two weeks for the next 3 months. Good thing I like them.