my mum

bluey1sa
bluey1sa Member Posts: 5
edited March 2014 in Grief and Bereavement #1
My mum passed away on 5/12/09 as a result of cancer going from her bowel to her liver/lungs and finally her brain over 2 years and after 1 bowel op and two liver ops.

We were told that she would probably not last 2 weeks. She died at home 6 days after being admitted to hospital (3 days after coming home) and 36 hours after palliative care connected her to morphine pump.

I have read all the documents about stages of grief and I have hit the anger and guilt stage. Anger at the hospital for not picking up the brain cancer earlier (the docs and the official reply from the hospital is that bowel cancer doesn't normally end up in the brain so we did not look for it... officially the hospital is happy that the processes of the hospital have been followed with due regard.)

Please forgive my terminology if it is not correct but one of the 5 tumors was 95cms (nearly 4 inches) Surely this didn't grow over night!

I am angry at the stories about people who beat cancer cause they had a strong will to live. My mum wanted to live! Please donot get me wrong I am not angry at the survivors themselves exactly the opposite I am very happy for them I just understand what is meant by the will to live.

Angry at the catholic Church for thinking of making Mary Mackillop a saint because she has performed 2 miracles in 100 years, the latest was a miracle cure for a Aussie lady with brain cancer. What about all those that prayed and she didn't cure?

I feel guilty for allowing Mm to be connected to a morphine pump.
I am angry cos I didn't really understand what was happening.

Today I picked up my mums ashes she is on the shelf in my back room with those of her second husband (my step father)


Bluey

Comments

  • JAW19
    JAW19 Member Posts: 6
    #2
    Anger and Grief
    bluey1sa let me start by saying, you do not need to apologize for anything. This is a place for us all to share our experiences, and help one another. The best way to do that is everyone expressing how they feel.

    The loss of you mother is tragic, and unfortunate. The decisions you made were only to help her, and none of them hurt her. I struggle daily with the fact I could not do anything to prevent, aid, or change my mothers cervical cancer.

    This creates a guilt and anger worse than any other. You know what though, you can let go of both!!! When you are ready. The people with the will to live are vast. Your mother was one of them, so was mine. You know what was stronger in both of them though?

    The will for us, their children to live. Because the last thing I know your mum, or my mom would want is for us to hurt, and not live our lives.

    That was your mother and the love you two have for each other is eternal. Remember that!

    I can tell you that nothing you have done is wrong. My moms ashes sat for months before we spread her in Lake Tahoe CA, USA. Part of that, because of my dad.

    You know what though, we are closer than ever, and I confronted him with everything! He was grateful for it!

    I lost my mother to cervical cancer in March 2003, then I buried it as deep as I could. No more, I am 27 and have been feeling 5 years of ignoring it and 2 of feeling it.

    Let it out!!! Talk to whoever will listen!!!! FEEL it now!!!!! Trust me!!!

    It is not the end. Your Mother wants you to succeed, be happy, and live!!! That is why she brought you here!!!!

    Here we band together, and become stronger!!!!

    Much respect and Love,

    Josh
  • debbiejeanne
    debbiejeanne Member Posts: 3,102 Member
    #3
    JAW19 said:

    Anger and Grief
    bluey1sa let me start by saying, you do not need to apologize for anything. This is a place for us all to share our experiences, and help one another. The best way to do that is everyone expressing how they feel.

    The loss of you mother is tragic, and unfortunate. The decisions you made were only to help her, and none of them hurt her. I struggle daily with the fact I could not do anything to prevent, aid, or change my mothers cervical cancer.

    This creates a guilt and anger worse than any other. You know what though, you can let go of both!!! When you are ready. The people with the will to live are vast. Your mother was one of them, so was mine. You know what was stronger in both of them though?

    The will for us, their children to live. Because the last thing I know your mum, or my mom would want is for us to hurt, and not live our lives.

    That was your mother and the love you two have for each other is eternal. Remember that!

    I can tell you that nothing you have done is wrong. My moms ashes sat for months before we spread her in Lake Tahoe CA, USA. Part of that, because of my dad.

    You know what though, we are closer than ever, and I confronted him with everything! He was grateful for it!

    I lost my mother to cervical cancer in March 2003, then I buried it as deep as I could. No more, I am 27 and have been feeling 5 years of ignoring it and 2 of feeling it.

    Let it out!!! Talk to whoever will listen!!!! FEEL it now!!!!! Trust me!!!

    It is not the end. Your Mother wants you to succeed, be happy, and live!!! That is why she brought you here!!!!

    Here we band together, and become stronger!!!!

    Much respect and Love,

    Josh

    wise words
    Josh, for 27, you are wise beyonds your years. I am so sorry for both of you. To lose our mom/mum is a pain beyond measure! I lost my mom to breast cancer in 78. I stilll miss her today. Bluey, Josh is very right, you have to feel the pain and let it out.
    Eventually time will bring you to a point where you will be able to smile at the thought of your mum and that great memories yous have of her. I pray for both of you and your healing process. You have to hang in there for your mom/mum of her death will have been in vain. God Bless and take care,

    Debbie
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #4
    Guilt
    I think both anger and guilt are emotions that are shared here by many. My husband died in October, 2009. I think in many ways he and I went through some of the grieve stages together. By the time he died, we had both decided that guilt and anger were not worth our time or pain. I may not have done everything right, but I did the best I could at the time. That's all any of us can expect of ourselves. My husband fought stage 4 colon cancer for 6 years, and yes mistakes were made during that time. Our family dr. did not catch the cancer as soon as he should have. He admitted that to us, but as I told him, last time I checked medical people don't walk on water. As humans we make mistakes. Forgiving those mistakes, helps me more than it helps them. Towards the end of my fathers life, he became an angry man. He held grudges against people who he perceived had wronged him many years before. He was so busy being angry, he missed the good things going on around him. I guess I learned a lesson from that. I also learned a lesson from my husband. He knew from the beginning that he was probably just buying time. He didn't want to waste that time. He wanted to live the now. I'm trying to carry that on. I guess I have reached acceptance. That doesn't change the hurt or deep sense of loss, but I am able to live on with my memories of our 42 year marriage. I miss him every day and still cry often. Please take care of yourself, your mother would want that. Fay

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