calling all Mom's: How can I make this easier for her?

Lynda53
Lynda53 Member Posts: 210
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
My Mom is 86, lives about 1/2 hr away. I call her several times a day, I try to keep her updated and ahead of any information I get.
However, she is obviously stressed on my diagnosis (inflammatory bc) and upcoming surgery.
I know I can't do tons for her right now. She is alone as my Dad died a few years ago. She was alone for Christmas as I was too sick,I have her car and am too sick to return it(she does not need it) Her wedding aniversaryis NYE adIamm sure she will e thinking of good days but be sadddened by the memory.
It seems now when I call she just wants to be able to help me thru this. I tell her that she is helping as she is there for me to talk to.
Any ideas what I can do for my Mom so she understands that her daughter will be okay?
Peace

Comments

  • rrogers34
    rrogers34 Member Posts: 135
    #2
    In a similar situation
    My Dad is very ill. He is 74 and has only part of one lung which ruptured back in 68. He has been very ill and just got home from the hosp on Christmas eveand spent Christmas in bed. Thought he is close,he still worries about me. I had a talk with him and told him I would be fine and the Lord is watching over both of us. I told him that I understood what it felt like to worry about someone you love,because I was very worried about him. I asked that we make an agreement. We needed our strength to battle our illnesses and I had to trust him to take care of himself, and he needed to do the same with me. I told him he had to trust me and I had to trust him to do what was best. I said if you really want to help me, pray for me, (I know he already does) and I would pray for him. I also told him both of us worrying would only make both of us worse and we we needed strength. I do still worry about him. I have not started my chemo yet. I am trying to make him feel at ease. Does your mom have anyone else to talk to? Maybe your Dr can hook her up with someone who has a daughter that went through what you are going through. Sharing that may help her. I hope this helps. God Bless
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #3
    This may sound dumb, but,
    This may sound dumb, but, for me, I wish my daughter would have her mammogram and take care of herself. Let her know that you have had your check up, etc. Also, when she did volunteer work to help with the fight against breast cancer, I was so very proud. Hope this helps!
  • Lynda53
    Lynda53 Member Posts: 210
    #4
    rrogers34 said:

    In a similar situation
    My Dad is very ill. He is 74 and has only part of one lung which ruptured back in 68. He has been very ill and just got home from the hosp on Christmas eveand spent Christmas in bed. Thought he is close,he still worries about me. I had a talk with him and told him I would be fine and the Lord is watching over both of us. I told him that I understood what it felt like to worry about someone you love,because I was very worried about him. I asked that we make an agreement. We needed our strength to battle our illnesses and I had to trust him to take care of himself, and he needed to do the same with me. I told him he had to trust me and I had to trust him to do what was best. I said if you really want to help me, pray for me, (I know he already does) and I would pray for him. I also told him both of us worrying would only make both of us worse and we we needed strength. I do still worry about him. I have not started my chemo yet. I am trying to make him feel at ease. Does your mom have anyone else to talk to? Maybe your Dr can hook her up with someone who has a daughter that went through what you are going through. Sharing that may help her. I hope this helps. God Bless

    rroger thanks I have not cried in weeks ok a day or 2
    but reading of your love for your Dad was, well it just was. I miss my Dad so much.I know he would make me feel better just by being. When I was young and hdd a cold or a whatever, he always said "I wish it were me instead!"
    I know he would say that now, and I also know that seeing his little girl so sick would not do him well at all. I can only imagine what it is like for your Dad.We are both very lucky.
    Health to you both
    Peace
  • New Flower
    New Flower Member Posts: 4,294
    #5
    CypressCynthia said:

    This may sound dumb, but,
    This may sound dumb, but, for me, I wish my daughter would have her mammogram and take care of herself. Let her know that you have had your check up, etc. Also, when she did volunteer work to help with the fight against breast cancer, I was so very proud. Hope this helps!

    talk about future
    rather than health and cancer, If you can call her everyday and talk about something good and interesting in your life. There is a life beyond cancer.Talk about future such as vacation plans, family event, someone's wedding, TV show.
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #6
    I can relate
    at least partly. My mom is in good health, thank God, but is very worried about her "baby" girl (who just happens to be 50 years old!). She and my Dad live in Oregon, and I'm in So Cal, so she's not close enough to be here all the time for me, but has been able to come for visits - once when I had my lumpectomy, and then she and Dad came down for a couple of weeks at Christmas.

    She calls me a lot, and I know she wants to be able to do more for me, so I try to reassure her that I'm doing as well as I could be under the circumstances. She has taken up the responsibility to update all of my relatives through e-mails and Facebook about how I'm doing, which seems to help her feel like she's doing something concrete. And it does help to have her do that so I don't have to worry about updating everyone myself.

    If there's any small thing you could have your Mom do for you, like knit you a nice scarf, or make you something to eat like your favorite meal or cookies, maybe that would help her to have something more concrete to do. If doing those things are beyond her physical capacity then just try to keep letting her know how much she does help you by just being there for her on the phone.

    Take care,
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #7
    cindycflynn said:

    I can relate
    at least partly. My mom is in good health, thank God, but is very worried about her "baby" girl (who just happens to be 50 years old!). She and my Dad live in Oregon, and I'm in So Cal, so she's not close enough to be here all the time for me, but has been able to come for visits - once when I had my lumpectomy, and then she and Dad came down for a couple of weeks at Christmas.

    She calls me a lot, and I know she wants to be able to do more for me, so I try to reassure her that I'm doing as well as I could be under the circumstances. She has taken up the responsibility to update all of my relatives through e-mails and Facebook about how I'm doing, which seems to help her feel like she's doing something concrete. And it does help to have her do that so I don't have to worry about updating everyone myself.

    If there's any small thing you could have your Mom do for you, like knit you a nice scarf, or make you something to eat like your favorite meal or cookies, maybe that would help her to have something more concrete to do. If doing those things are beyond her physical capacity then just try to keep letting her know how much she does help you by just being there for her on the phone.

    Take care,

    Your mom is always your mom
    Your mom is always your mom no matter how old you are. Perhaps as suggested abouve giving her something to do can make her feel like she is taking care of you . hugs
  • Lynda53
    Lynda53 Member Posts: 210
    #8
    I will ask her to stay in touch w/caregiver
    and of course my brother.
    Thanks all
    Peace
  • Lynda53
    Lynda53 Member Posts: 210
    #9
    I will ask her to stay in touch w/caregiver
    and of course my brother.
    Thanks all
    Peace
  • Sam726
    Sam726 Member Posts: 233
    #10
    Lynda53 said:

    I will ask her to stay in touch w/caregiver
    and of course my brother.
    Thanks all
    Peace

    Hello
    I think your mom just wants to feel like she is helping you thru the toughest thing in your life. Its natural...she just wants to feel needed in her daughters life. I know if my son was going thru something this tough I would feel helpless. Maybe you can let her help you out in some way? My mom wouldnt know what to do if I didnt let her help me through this....I am her baby and you are your moms baby still.
  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762
    #11
    Sam726 said:

    Hello
    I think your mom just wants to feel like she is helping you thru the toughest thing in your life. Its natural...she just wants to feel needed in her daughters life. I know if my son was going thru something this tough I would feel helpless. Maybe you can let her help you out in some way? My mom wouldnt know what to do if I didnt let her help me through this....I am her baby and you are your moms baby still.

    Is there any way
    that someone can drive her to you at least once a week? Maybe she could even stay overnight and be brought back the next day. She may be more help than you ever thought.
    Just the idea of having someone to take your mind OFF the cancer/treatments might be a big help to both of you. I'm sure you could get out old family pix and talk about funny old times together. Just an idea....
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #12
    Tell her your plans to be better....
    My mom is, like I am, a double cancer survivor (breast and endometrial). She seemed ok after my colon cancer dx (even tho her dad died from it), but started crying after my breast cancer dx....she kept saying "I'm so sorry I gave this to you"!

    I said to her "Mom, are you saying you are sorry that you brought me into this world? Because, without you I would not be who I am." "No", she said..."but I feel so bad for you".
    "Well" I said, "I know for one I am very HAPPY you had me, with or without cancer."

    After my treatment, I turned to my daughter, who was my caregiver, and said "I am so sorry, but you will need to start having colonoscopies and mammograms at your 30th birthday. Your gene pool, as it turns out, is more of a septic tank!". (ROFL!). By this time, my full blood sister had also been dx'ed with colorectal cancer.

    Hug her (even if it's just a verbal hug), love her, and tell her that if she needs to talk to you about it, it's ok...or, if not, that's ok, too!!! Moms are precious things...

    Hugs, Kathi

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