Stage IV Lung with Mets to the brain - should we even do chemo?

MichelleP said:

My husband
My husband recently passed away from stage IV adenocarcinoma. Looking back on all the suffering he endured from the chemotherapy treatments I wish he had chosen quality over quantity. He only survived 9 months from diagnosis and was constantly having to get blood transfusions, extreme fatigue, wouldn't eat, vomiting, etc etc etc. He was even hospitalized five times.

I've told my own doctor that if I am ever diagnosed with cancer I chose not to treat. I wish to spend my life with quality.

Everyone has the right to chose and I understand that but based on what I saw my husband endure I will never fight a disease that's going to take me in the end anyway.

Michelle!
I have been following your posts without response, worrying more and more that you are falling into depression and despair and this is the final straw.

If I have not previously responded, it is because I could not imagine what I might say that could alleviate the burden of your loss, my friend.

But now I cannot.

I am, first and foremost, disappointed that you of all people do not recognize and honor the nature of your husband's fight. To say that you wish he had chosen 'quality over quantity' is to insinuate that he did not do exactly that, and, further, to insinuate that his time with you prior to the end days were not quality days. You sell yourself short, Michelle, and you sell him short, too.

There is no telling how long he might have lived without the intervention and extension provided by his palliative care, Michelle. But he chose it, and he chose it so that he could have more time with you and with life, I would surmise.

He certainly did not choose his route in order to be a continuing burden to you or to enjoy further pain and suffering without some reward.

As obvious as it seems, let me say: we choose to live because it seems preferable to the unknowable alternative, at least for now, regardless of faith.

And, Michelle, we choose to live because we love and are loved.

Moving on: to declare to your doctor that if you are diagnosed with cancer you simply want to die (not treat, as you put it) is a problem in several ways, and I know, or hope I know, that you know I am really speaking to you as someone who cares for you and all who enter these halls of frequent agony.

First and foremost, it is a disservice to your husband, who fought like heck to stick around. It is to dishonor all that he stood for in his battle against cancer. It is to refute his valiant effort, to nullify and negate it. Eventually, Michelle, and I am somehow sure of this, you will recognize that and want to live at least in part to honor that.

Second, you are presuming you know what you will feel if such a diagnosis is made, long before the fact, and this is unfair to yourself. Not only is such a declaration bad for you in and of itself (DO NOT walk around believing you are going to get cancer!) but it makes an insulting judgment about yourself, that you are not capable of growing, of moving on, of coming to new horizons as time passes, of CHANGING YOUR MIND.

Third, you are presuming, incorrectly, that what your husband experienced is what you would experience. That is clearly a supposition of the worst order, my sweet friend.

Fourth, and finally, you send a message to cancer survivors who read your post that there is nothing but a short candle to blow out, and that they might as well get it over with. I know this is not your intent. I know that you are speaking only of yourself, and I know that you are speaking in a moment (a time) of despair and seeming hopelessness. But that is the message, intended or not.

Michelle, you are depressed. Clinically so, I would advise. Your despair and your loneliness and your apparent wish for the end are clear markers of clinical depression.

Please, please, my friend, whether through church or some professional thing, get some advice, get a listening ear, get a hug, get some help with that.

This world needs people who care as you do, with such passion and loyalty and love.

Honor your husband, Michelle, by carrying on his spirit and his will to live. Take that out to the community as a beacon of good rather than a white flag of defeat.

You are up to it, Michelle.

Take care,

Joe