You would think by now it wouldn't bother me - cold people I mean, sigh
I am talking about an incident that ocurred yesterday after I joined Facebook for the first time. I started to look around for old friends from days gone by, just for fun, catch up and see what they have been up to, and I located one such friend and sent him a short hello and how ya doin? IMMEDIATELY, I get back a 'good to hear from you' and an add on as a friend, I mean IMMEDIATELY, obviously interested in chatting. So after more info on what he has been up to I sent a short description of what I had been doing. IMMEDIATELY I notice he is on CHAT but not wanting to interrupt and not knowing how to use it, lol, I didn't get into that.
Right away I get another email back getting into more of what he was doing and asking me what I had been doing, again. Obviously interested in communicating. Right? Well yes, UNTIL I mentioned going through cancer.
EVERYTHING STOPPED. Yup, not one more word, nothing, nadda. I was stunned. The way it was all going it was non stop back and forth but as soon as cancer came up - end of conversation. That was over 24 hours ago at least and since then he has had activity on his profile so not like he has been offline.
I was first diagnosed just over 20 years ago and throughout the whole time til now I have met every sort and then some who had various reactions to cancer being part of my life but it seems that you never get used to rejection. This person didn't mean that much to me in the past, just casual friends really, but I always figured him for a bright sensitive caring person. Yes there are all kinds of reasons why he hasn't carried on the communication since my bombshell I suppose but you had to be there, I have seen this before - thankfully not that often. It just amazes me how some people can just drop a person cold, just because the person has been ill. I'm just so derned proud of my human race sometimes. NOT.
Just kind of surprised me how I reacted to this backhanded manor, thought I was used to this kind of thing after so long. Guess not. We have all seen this after diagnosis I know, knew you would understand.
Blessings, Bluerose
Comments
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Hi Blue. Sorry I have not
Hi Blue. Sorry I have not been around much. I hope your physical problems are under control. It seems we never get past our cancer. We try to move forward and enjoy life but get those constant reminders that set us back in our place. Kinda like when your doctors tell you that your odds of getting cancer after 5 years are now the same as everyone else. Then you try to get life insurance, NOT. Or when you write Cancer on a medical form you are filling out for a CT or MRI. Once I put a check mark in the cancer box I know my films will not get read or the answer will be totally useless. Everything is may have, might have or we just don't know. Heck I have been waiting for the results of my brain MRI for three weeks now. Trying to connect with new people outside our limited world is hard. We have more baggage than a 727 and many people don't want to deal with it. When I say I have had cancer and am on disability that stops most people in their tracks. Kinda like Hummm where do we go from here. I guess we just keep looking for people that understand and they are the ones worth having as friends. Don't give up trying as there are caring people out there that like to have new friends. You can always send an invite on facebook to Garry Wilson and I will approve you lol. Blessings Slickwilly0 -
Blue
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Even during the beginning when my husband was first diagnosed with cancer I noticed how strange people can get when they hear that word. It's very painful and I understand. You can also add me on facebook if you want. I love the little farmville and cafe games they have. Send me a pm and I'll return info.0 -
Hero, victim, or pariah?
Blue,
My own experience with cancer has taught me that "the others" either regard us as "heroes", admiring us for our courage and resilience; "victims", pitying us for what fate has forced us to endure; or "pariahs", "lepers" who must be ignored or avoided because our reality is more reality than they can tolerate. The irony is that 1/4th of "the others" are destined to join our ranks by the time they hit the age of 70, so, they better become our understudies for the roles they are likely to be assuming themselves.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Hey there Slicksterslickwilly said:Hi Blue. Sorry I have not
Hi Blue. Sorry I have not been around much. I hope your physical problems are under control. It seems we never get past our cancer. We try to move forward and enjoy life but get those constant reminders that set us back in our place. Kinda like when your doctors tell you that your odds of getting cancer after 5 years are now the same as everyone else. Then you try to get life insurance, NOT. Or when you write Cancer on a medical form you are filling out for a CT or MRI. Once I put a check mark in the cancer box I know my films will not get read or the answer will be totally useless. Everything is may have, might have or we just don't know. Heck I have been waiting for the results of my brain MRI for three weeks now. Trying to connect with new people outside our limited world is hard. We have more baggage than a 727 and many people don't want to deal with it. When I say I have had cancer and am on disability that stops most people in their tracks. Kinda like Hummm where do we go from here. I guess we just keep looking for people that understand and they are the ones worth having as friends. Don't give up trying as there are caring people out there that like to have new friends. You can always send an invite on facebook to Garry Wilson and I will approve you lol. Blessings Slickwilly
I have been wondering where you have been but knew you were keeping busy no doubt with friends and family and the upcoming holidays so don't worry about me. Same old same old here, fighting on day after day and looking forward to Xmas even though I will be on my own this year. Actually for some weird reason it isn't bothering me like it maybe should, just feel as if I have to rest alot - it's been a rough year. I have my little tree up, it casts such a warm glow to the room, love it.
Ah as far as this past acquaintance is concerned I'm not totally surprised. I mean I am surprised a bit he was like this, of all people, but that reaction is one that is unfortunately not unusual from some people as has been my experience with mentioning the dreaded c word. Reactions from people are complex and I'm sure they are all fighting their own personal demons when it comes to talk of any life threatening situation. I was just stunned that it still bothered me when it happened - thought I was over that. I guess, in any form, rejection kind of sucks. lol.
Anywho thanks for the comforting words and I know I am not alone by any means in having to experience this kind of reaction on this particular subject.
I have actually gone on Facebook for the first time recently. Funny you should mention that.
Talk to you soon but if not I want to make sure to wish you and yours the happiest of Xmases and all the very very best in the New Year. Wow, 2010 seems like something from a futuristic movie - 2010. Wow. Dang, I'm old. lol
Later kid.
Hugs, Bluerose0 -
Thanks MichelleMichelleP said:Blue
I'm so sorry that happened to you. Even during the beginning when my husband was first diagnosed with cancer I noticed how strange people can get when they hear that word. It's very painful and I understand. You can also add me on facebook if you want. I love the little farmville and cafe games they have. Send me a pm and I'll return info.
Thanks for your kind words. That is the second time in a week someone has mentioed this farmville thingy on Facebook, I should look into that. I will let you know if I am going to go on Facebook more in the future. I just signed on but really haven't used it that much. It's cool to connect though like that with old and new friends. I will send you an email when I am online next to share info.
As far as the reaction to people hearing the dreaded c word I have dealt with that for the lsat 20 years since diagnosis, on and off, as many on here have and you really do find out quick who are sincere friends and who are not. I found a few new friends at the beginning of my journey with cancer and they are still friends today.
Talk to you soon and hope you are doing better. Blessings, Bluerose0 -
True Rickster but ......terato said:Hero, victim, or pariah?
Blue,
My own experience with cancer has taught me that "the others" either regard us as "heroes", admiring us for our courage and resilience; "victims", pitying us for what fate has forced us to endure; or "pariahs", "lepers" who must be ignored or avoided because our reality is more reality than they can tolerate. The irony is that 1/4th of "the others" are destined to join our ranks by the time they hit the age of 70, so, they better become our understudies for the roles they are likely to be assuming themselves.
Love and Courage!
Rick
you know what they say 'it always happens to the other guy, not me'. And that is unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you want to look at it, the way people are - wow poor so and so, never for even a minute thinking it could happen to them. Human behaviour is fascinating, trying to always cushion us from trauma and that's probably what it is for the most part.
This guy I was talking about I actually did go out with for awhile but it was never, to me anywho going to go anywhere serious (just not that kind of attraction) but he had the opposite idea. That's why I was so stunned when he had that reaction. But for heavans sake I dated him back in 1974 for heavan's sake so people do tend to change a tad over that span of time I would think. Oh man I am ancient. lol. Anywho I was just stunned that I reacted so poorly to him taking that attitude, you would think that I would be used to that now and again but like I said in another response here, guess you never get used to rejection or judgement.
Oh well, c'est la vie.
Good hearing from you Rick. Hope things are going well for you and yours.
Hugs, Bluerose0 -
Bluerose
Bluerose,
So sorry this happened. I do know what you mean though but in a different way I guess, from the partner of someone's perspective. It seems like for me when I talk about Kelly's cancer, how it's going, etc. people don't think I can handle hearing about their lives. They think nothing in their life can possibly compare to what Kelly and I are going through and fighting for - her life. What I think they don't get is sometimes how much I/we do want to her how others are doing and what they're going through in their lives, if not for any other reason than a change of pace.
Keep those who care and understand close,
Lisa0 -
Misery overload!bluerose said:True Rickster but ......
you know what they say 'it always happens to the other guy, not me'. And that is unfortunately, or fortunately depending on how you want to look at it, the way people are - wow poor so and so, never for even a minute thinking it could happen to them. Human behaviour is fascinating, trying to always cushion us from trauma and that's probably what it is for the most part.
This guy I was talking about I actually did go out with for awhile but it was never, to me anywho going to go anywhere serious (just not that kind of attraction) but he had the opposite idea. That's why I was so stunned when he had that reaction. But for heavans sake I dated him back in 1974 for heavan's sake so people do tend to change a tad over that span of time I would think. Oh man I am ancient. lol. Anywho I was just stunned that I reacted so poorly to him taking that attitude, you would think that I would be used to that now and again but like I said in another response here, guess you never get used to rejection or judgement.
Oh well, c'est la vie.
Good hearing from you Rick. Hope things are going well for you and yours.
Hugs, Bluerose
Blue,
With so many losing homes, jobs, pensions, and health benefits these days, I guess some people don't want to hear about another person's troubles. We are arriving at critical mass in terms of our misery threshold. Unfortunately, none of this is really our fault, but that does not stop others from projecting their anxieties on us. Just write them off and move on to the next smiling face you see.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
Been there
I understand exactly what you are saying and I know how you feel. When my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2002, those who we thought were friends just disappeared and we didn't hear from them. Occasionally we would run into them but they would give us the cold shoulder or rush off. It's as if people are afraid that cancer is contagious and they just don't know how to handle the situation. Just be strong and don't let what others do affect you. You have your own battle to fight and you don't need to worry about other people's ignorance. I'm just sorry that you even had to experience the attitude of this person.0 -
Yuppers Richmeisterterato said:Misery overload!
Blue,
With so many losing homes, jobs, pensions, and health benefits these days, I guess some people don't want to hear about another person's troubles. We are arriving at critical mass in terms of our misery threshold. Unfortunately, none of this is really our fault, but that does not stop others from projecting their anxieties on us. Just write them off and move on to the next smiling face you see.
Love and Courage!
Rick
Yup, I moved on from the disheartening episode just wanted to comment on it after it happened as I know others face the same thing in this cancer game and wanted to let them know that they aren't alone. Just getting the experience out helps too as you know Rick.
You are dead on about everyone reaching critical mass in all the anxieties and worries out there, especially now that the baby boomers are starting to creak (like me) and realizing 'hey, even I am getting old too'. Such a spoiled generation, that feeing of entitlement to just about everything - even good health and good health care. Oh boy what an eye opener to come to those fortunate to have had good health til now but in the next few years notice the bit of creaking and groaning of their aging bodies soon to happen.
Hope all is well with you Rick and the Xmas season will find you with friends celebrating. Hugs, Blue0 -
Hi there Lisalisaonthenet said:Bluerose
Bluerose,
So sorry this happened. I do know what you mean though but in a different way I guess, from the partner of someone's perspective. It seems like for me when I talk about Kelly's cancer, how it's going, etc. people don't think I can handle hearing about their lives. They think nothing in their life can possibly compare to what Kelly and I are going through and fighting for - her life. What I think they don't get is sometimes how much I/we do want to her how others are doing and what they're going through in their lives, if not for any other reason than a change of pace.
Keep those who care and understand close,
Lisa
Thanks for your understanding and supportive posting. I do know what you mean about people not wanting to 'burden' you with their troubles, I have had that end of the spectrum too - was diagnosed 20 years ago so have just about seen it all in how people treat those directly or indirectly involved with the cancer journey. What most of us want, patients or caregivers, is a sense of normality in our relationships and that goes by the wayside for many of them unfortunately, in one way or another.
What I found to be the most heartwarming of this particular experience with cancer, with friends and family I mean, is that often it's the new friends we met because of our cancer experience who wind up being the most amazing people in our lives. My best friend today is a woman I met at my kids bustop for school just a handful of times before I got sick and when she found out about my diagnosis she quickly baked a cake and brought it over to our home for the family as I was in aggressive treatments. Since that day we have remained steadfast friends - a stranger who ran TOWARDS the crisis and not away from it.
Whenever I noticed people shying away from their own issues when I would meet up with them I usually try to purposely vear back to them and their lives and if they start by saying 'oh I am fine compared with what you and Kelly are going through' I always say 'troubles are all relative so how are YOU doing'. That usually stops them and they do tell you about what is going on.
Anywho I had better get this place tidied up, apparently it won't do that all by itself, lol. Thanks again for the reply. Blessings, Bluerose0 -
Thanks Sassysassy1 said:Been there
I understand exactly what you are saying and I know how you feel. When my husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2002, those who we thought were friends just disappeared and we didn't hear from them. Occasionally we would run into them but they would give us the cold shoulder or rush off. It's as if people are afraid that cancer is contagious and they just don't know how to handle the situation. Just be strong and don't let what others do affect you. You have your own battle to fight and you don't need to worry about other people's ignorance. I'm just sorry that you even had to experience the attitude of this person.
I knew people would understand what that situation would do to them too, this site is so great as so many of us have experienced such similar things - we can certainly relate and help each other through. Thanks for doing that for me.
I know that for me people used to view me as the fun one and the life of the party and when the word 'cancer' became part of my life it was as if they just couldn't blend that new part of my existance with the 'fun one' anymore so rather than try they ran the other way. But like I was telling lisa here in this posting sometimes new friends rally and the ones who were true still stick by you no matter what.
Hope today is a good day for you Sassy. Thanks again for the support and validation. Hugs, Bluerose0 -
Bluerosebluerose said:Thanks Sassy
I knew people would understand what that situation would do to them too, this site is so great as so many of us have experienced such similar things - we can certainly relate and help each other through. Thanks for doing that for me.
I know that for me people used to view me as the fun one and the life of the party and when the word 'cancer' became part of my life it was as if they just couldn't blend that new part of my existance with the 'fun one' anymore so rather than try they ran the other way. But like I was telling lisa here in this posting sometimes new friends rally and the ones who were true still stick by you no matter what.
Hope today is a good day for you Sassy. Thanks again for the support and validation. Hugs, Bluerose
Just think of it as, you are not the one who has changed although your situation has, but they are the ones that need your pity because they cannot accept you for you no matter what. When all is said and done, they have to look themselves in the mirror every day. Be strong and carry on with your head held high. Do not let the actions of others take away from you and your life. Live life to the fullest and don't worry about what other people think or do. I learned a long time ago, they don't pay my bills so I was not going to let them bother either my husband or myself ever again. And don't let them bother you either. It isn't worth the worry and upset.
((HUGS))
Shirley0 -
I really can't complain too much, Blue!bluerose said:Yuppers Richmeister
Yup, I moved on from the disheartening episode just wanted to comment on it after it happened as I know others face the same thing in this cancer game and wanted to let them know that they aren't alone. Just getting the experience out helps too as you know Rick.
You are dead on about everyone reaching critical mass in all the anxieties and worries out there, especially now that the baby boomers are starting to creak (like me) and realizing 'hey, even I am getting old too'. Such a spoiled generation, that feeing of entitlement to just about everything - even good health and good health care. Oh boy what an eye opener to come to those fortunate to have had good health til now but in the next few years notice the bit of creaking and groaning of their aging bodies soon to happen.
Hope all is well with you Rick and the Xmas season will find you with friends celebrating. Hugs, Blue
I'm making less money than I ever did in my adult life, but am enjoying the more precious commodity of time. Time to relax, reflect, and re-energize. Sure, money is an issue, especially when I received a fat increase in my property tax assessment and my car required a new linkage because the old one was "binding" (I told the mechanic that I usually take an Ex-Lax for something like that). I am thankful that I still have a job with a great group health plan, great co-workers, and a lot of vacation time. I also have neighbors who are always upgrading something, so I get their old stuff and don't have to spend money. I have cousins and some great friends whom I see on a regular basis and the memories of parents and a brother who loved me very much. If my digestive system would behave itself, you could say I had everything I need.
Like I say, I really can't complain too much.
Love and Courage!
Rick0 -
You are right on the money Sassysassy1 said:Bluerose
Just think of it as, you are not the one who has changed although your situation has, but they are the ones that need your pity because they cannot accept you for you no matter what. When all is said and done, they have to look themselves in the mirror every day. Be strong and carry on with your head held high. Do not let the actions of others take away from you and your life. Live life to the fullest and don't worry about what other people think or do. I learned a long time ago, they don't pay my bills so I was not going to let them bother either my husband or myself ever again. And don't let them bother you either. It isn't worth the worry and upset.
((HUGS))
Shirley
Thank you for your positivity and support. You are absolutely right. I think that when that happened to me some 20 years after initial diagnois, as it just did the other day with this incident here, it just took me by surprise as this was someone I thought I knew who was supportive before but I guess it came with 'but only if's' and I was just shocked. I noticed the other day when I was on Facebook this person quickly signed out of the chat part too, it's happened more than once so it seems to be a pattern. Must be really affecting this person more than me because really I could care less, just interesting behaviour.
Anywho thanks again for your continued support, I hope you are fairing well at this busy time of the year. Hugs, Bluerose0 -
You are truly blessed Ricksterterato said:I really can't complain too much, Blue!
I'm making less money than I ever did in my adult life, but am enjoying the more precious commodity of time. Time to relax, reflect, and re-energize. Sure, money is an issue, especially when I received a fat increase in my property tax assessment and my car required a new linkage because the old one was "binding" (I told the mechanic that I usually take an Ex-Lax for something like that). I am thankful that I still have a job with a great group health plan, great co-workers, and a lot of vacation time. I also have neighbors who are always upgrading something, so I get their old stuff and don't have to spend money. I have cousins and some great friends whom I see on a regular basis and the memories of parents and a brother who loved me very much. If my digestive system would behave itself, you could say I had everything I need.
Like I say, I really can't complain too much.
Love and Courage!
Rick
You have a great deal Rick and you forgot to mention that you are able to work. I haven't been able to work since diagnosis what with treatments years back and side effects right out of the gate and that is HUGE for you to be able to work. If I could have gone back to work 18 years ago so many things would be different. I know you have health issues and that can't be easy at times but if you are able to get out there and work and therein make friends and build relationships it is everything. I really miss that part of my life.
Anywho thanks for the posting Rick. Keep positive and enjoy your holidays. Thanks for the continued support. Hugs, Blue0 -
and then there arebluerose said:You are right on the money Sassy
Thank you for your positivity and support. You are absolutely right. I think that when that happened to me some 20 years after initial diagnois, as it just did the other day with this incident here, it just took me by surprise as this was someone I thought I knew who was supportive before but I guess it came with 'but only if's' and I was just shocked. I noticed the other day when I was on Facebook this person quickly signed out of the chat part too, it's happened more than once so it seems to be a pattern. Must be really affecting this person more than me because really I could care less, just interesting behaviour.
Anywho thanks again for your continued support, I hope you are fairing well at this busy time of the year. Hugs, Bluerose
the people who sort of gloss over it. In this case I mean Don's kids. It's not denial, sorry, but it isn't. The best I can say for them is that they aren't capable of any deep, genuine relationship. The 28-year-old knows (because I told her) most of what he's going thru and her only comment after receiving the letter was "Dad looks great!"0 -
I see your point Ruthruthelizabeth said:and then there are
the people who sort of gloss over it. In this case I mean Don's kids. It's not denial, sorry, but it isn't. The best I can say for them is that they aren't capable of any deep, genuine relationship. The 28-year-old knows (because I told her) most of what he's going thru and her only comment after receiving the letter was "Dad looks great!"
Yes there sure are those who just gloss it all over. As far as his daughter is concered you would think by 28 she would have a better grasp on all that is really going on with her Dad's health but so many get caught up in their own lives and just don't want to admit the real truth that their Dad is not doing well. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately depending on how you look at it, many of us do look fine but that doesn't mean we are medically fine at all. You hear this alot with those with cancer and survivors alike. It's irritating to hear 'gee you look so good though?' when you feel so badly or are in treatments that don't affect your appearance.
The good news with looking alright is that we can still blend into society without having to deal with looks and glares but for the most part it's painful when a close member of the family seems cold to our actual physical condition. Both my kids are like Don's kids too so I understand. They are at a distance too, live far away, so distance doesn't help either - if they were around me more it would become more obvious to them.
I hope you get a break from the stress of all of this ruth, you have enough to deal with without all of this drama from his kids.
You are in my prayers Ruth. Bluerose0 -
I see your point Ruthruthelizabeth said:and then there are
the people who sort of gloss over it. In this case I mean Don's kids. It's not denial, sorry, but it isn't. The best I can say for them is that they aren't capable of any deep, genuine relationship. The 28-year-old knows (because I told her) most of what he's going thru and her only comment after receiving the letter was "Dad looks great!"
Yes there sure are those who just gloss it all over. As far as his daughter is concered you would think by 28 she would have a better grasp on all that is really going on with her Dad's health but so many get caught up in their own lives and just don't want to admit the real truth that their Dad is not doing well. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately depending on how you look at it, many of us do look fine but that doesn't mean we are medically fine at all. You hear this alot with those with cancer and survivors alike. It's irritating to hear 'gee you look so good though?' when you feel so badly or are in treatments that don't affect your appearance.
The good news with looking alright is that we can still blend into society without having to deal with looks and glares but for the most part it's painful when a close member of the family seems cold to our actual physical condition. Both my kids are like Don's kids too so I understand. They are at a distance too, live far away, so distance doesn't help either - if they were around me more it would become more obvious to them.
I hope you get a break from the stress of all of this ruth, you have enough to deal with without all of this drama from his kids.
You are in my prayers Ruth. Bluerose0 -
I see your point Ruthruthelizabeth said:and then there are
the people who sort of gloss over it. In this case I mean Don's kids. It's not denial, sorry, but it isn't. The best I can say for them is that they aren't capable of any deep, genuine relationship. The 28-year-old knows (because I told her) most of what he's going thru and her only comment after receiving the letter was "Dad looks great!"
Yes there sure are those who just gloss it all over. As far as his daughter is concered you would think by 28 she would have a better grasp on all that is really going on with her Dad's health but so many get caught up in their own lives and just don't want to admit the real truth that their Dad is not doing well. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately depending on how you look at it, many of us do look fine but that doesn't mean we are medically fine at all. You hear this alot with those with cancer and survivors alike. It's irritating to hear 'gee you look so good though?' when you feel so badly or are in treatments that don't affect your appearance.
The good news with looking alright is that we can still blend into society without having to deal with looks and glares but for the most part it's painful when a close member of the family seems cold to our actual physical condition. Both my kids are like Don's kids too so I understand. They are at a distance too, live far away, so distance doesn't help either - if they were around me more it would become more obvious to them.
I hope you get a break from the stress of all of this ruth, you have enough to deal with without all of this drama from his kids.
You are in my prayers Ruth. Bluerose0
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