I went and seen by ex husband yesterday,he has stomach Cancer,Probley a mistake.Please read.

ppurdin
ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Hi,I hope you don,t mind me talking about this.I was married 10 plus years to this man.I had my 2 children by him.He was tall verry good looking but was very mean to me.I lived in domestic violence all those years.He beat me up the first time the night we got married.I was only 15 when I married him.Pregnant with my son then.I like to think if I would have been older I would have seen the warning sighns.At 25 my son was 10yrs old my daughter 4yrs. old I got my drivers license and a job,knowing I had to get my kids away from him.I raised them on my own for many years.I met my husband now when my kids were older.So when i heard my ex. was not going to live long I had this feeling to go see him.I needed him to say he was sorry for all those years.So yesterday I went and seen him in the hospital.Of course being sorry was a dream,I should have known better.In his eyes my daughter says he don,t think he did anything wrong.I feel bad that he is this sick,but have no desire to see him again.We been divorced 27yrs.Their is no feeling their.I just needed him to say he was sorry for all those years he hurt me and in the end our kids.My son doesn,t have much to do with him at all.My daughter is a christain so she does see him some.I also think me having BC.made me feel bad for him as well.In many ways I feel pretty stupid for going.I also have to find a way to tell my husband and son that I seen him.Anyway thanks for listning and letting me vent.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

Comments

  • Sunrae
    Sunrae Member Posts: 808
    #2
    Been In Your Shoes
    So sorry Pat, for all the past things that went wrong for you. I also married young to a goodlooking man who I hoped would make my fairy tale come true. I did have some warnings before our marriage but went ahead anyway. I had 2 sons during this nightmare and stayed with him for 22 years, hoping that a miracle would happen. He did some things that I can only describe as evil and dark. He suffered 2 breakdowns and had shock treatments. Finally something happened that made me make the right decision, get myself and the kids out. I've now been married over 20 years to a wonderful man who loves me and takes such good care of me. My sons and their families are very close to us and I'm so thankful that we all came thru that. My sons father is still alive but has bladder cancer and has had all his colon removed. He's real sick and will not live much longer. I felt the same way you did, wanted him to feel sorry for what he did and I also felt pity for him, now that he's so sick. However, I resisted the urge to see him as he's still the same bitter mean man and will die that way. My sons know that I should never see him again and understand completely. Don't feel bad for seeing him, its a natural reaction. What really helped me more than anything is I finally stopped hating him and came to the point where I forgave him, even tho he doesnt know that or care. You probable should explain to your husband about seeing him and why you felt you needed to hear him say he was sorry. With you fighting bc it made you think of him. Whatever you need to do, you'll make the right decision. You're a fighter and a strong person even to be able to face this man one more time. Now take care of yourself and put your effort into getting yourself well. Love from a fellow warrior, Sunrae
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159 Member
    #3
    Sweet Pat~ your heart is
    Sweet Pat~ your heart is showing, and it is loving and vulnerable! You went into that marriage at such a young age, romantically hoping for the best. You have grown into this strong, generous soul, and having been tapped on the shoulder by mortality ( disguised as BC) you of course went to see the Ex who treated you badly. Why? Because his mortality is not just tapping him, but probably calling his name, and you are....you. It probably wasn't realistic of you to expect the proverbial death-bed confession and sorrow about his past bad deeds. This was something that YOU needed, not something he needed.

    I am sorry this affected you badly. I am not telling you to keep secrets from your husband and son, but I am wondering why and if they actually need to know you went to the hospital to see a sad, sick man who was part of your past. You needed to close this chapter,with cancer as the common denominator~ and perhaps you did.
    Your daughter knows you did the right thing for your conscience~and let it be clear!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181 Member
    #4
    chenheart said:

    Sweet Pat~ your heart is
    Sweet Pat~ your heart is showing, and it is loving and vulnerable! You went into that marriage at such a young age, romantically hoping for the best. You have grown into this strong, generous soul, and having been tapped on the shoulder by mortality ( disguised as BC) you of course went to see the Ex who treated you badly. Why? Because his mortality is not just tapping him, but probably calling his name, and you are....you. It probably wasn't realistic of you to expect the proverbial death-bed confession and sorrow about his past bad deeds. This was something that YOU needed, not something he needed.

    I am sorry this affected you badly. I am not telling you to keep secrets from your husband and son, but I am wondering why and if they actually need to know you went to the hospital to see a sad, sick man who was part of your past. You needed to close this chapter,with cancer as the common denominator~ and perhaps you did.
    Your daughter knows you did the right thing for your conscience~and let it be clear!

    Hugs,
    Chen♥

    Thanks chen.
    I am still thinking it over about telling my husband and son.My son did see his dad a time or two.And I remember him saying pretty much the same thing.That his dad showed no remorse.It sure does make me appriatte my husband now.To think where I came from.He will die with no remorse.But if I did not go see him,I guess I would not have known for sure.I got two wonderful kids from this terrible situation.I can now put closer on this.It is what it is and I will be their for my daughter when he dies.Thanks so much for your reply Chen.Love and Prayers(Pat).I am glad you received your ornament.I can,t wait.
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181 Member
    #5
    Sunrae said:

    Been In Your Shoes
    So sorry Pat, for all the past things that went wrong for you. I also married young to a goodlooking man who I hoped would make my fairy tale come true. I did have some warnings before our marriage but went ahead anyway. I had 2 sons during this nightmare and stayed with him for 22 years, hoping that a miracle would happen. He did some things that I can only describe as evil and dark. He suffered 2 breakdowns and had shock treatments. Finally something happened that made me make the right decision, get myself and the kids out. I've now been married over 20 years to a wonderful man who loves me and takes such good care of me. My sons and their families are very close to us and I'm so thankful that we all came thru that. My sons father is still alive but has bladder cancer and has had all his colon removed. He's real sick and will not live much longer. I felt the same way you did, wanted him to feel sorry for what he did and I also felt pity for him, now that he's so sick. However, I resisted the urge to see him as he's still the same bitter mean man and will die that way. My sons know that I should never see him again and understand completely. Don't feel bad for seeing him, its a natural reaction. What really helped me more than anything is I finally stopped hating him and came to the point where I forgave him, even tho he doesnt know that or care. You probable should explain to your husband about seeing him and why you felt you needed to hear him say he was sorry. With you fighting bc it made you think of him. Whatever you need to do, you'll make the right decision. You're a fighter and a strong person even to be able to face this man one more time. Now take care of yourself and put your effort into getting yourself well. Love from a fellow warrior, Sunrae

    Hello Sunrae.
    Sometimes we feel like we are the only ones that have lived through these horible things.But like you and me know their is so many women that have been in this situation.I thank God that I had the courage to get out of it.I am glad you did also and that we have a better life.All women are not that lucky.I try to always Pray for these women going through it.In my mind I have forgave him without telling him.He has done other people in his life this way as well.To my knowledge know one eles comes around him,but my daughter.Thank you for your reply.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
  • Sunrae
    Sunrae Member Posts: 808
    #6
    ppurdin said:

    Thanks chen.
    I am still thinking it over about telling my husband and son.My son did see his dad a time or two.And I remember him saying pretty much the same thing.That his dad showed no remorse.It sure does make me appriatte my husband now.To think where I came from.He will die with no remorse.But if I did not go see him,I guess I would not have known for sure.I got two wonderful kids from this terrible situation.I can now put closer on this.It is what it is and I will be their for my daughter when he dies.Thanks so much for your reply Chen.Love and Prayers(Pat).I am glad you received your ornament.I can,t wait.

    Time to close
    Pat, you did what you thought needed to be done in regard to the ex. Your conscience is clear and you will be there for your children. My sons have been the joy of my life and I would go thru it all again just for them. I'm sure you feel the same way when it comes to your kids. Whether you tell your husband or not is certainly up to you. You need to be able to concentrate on your bc and focus on the important things in your life. Go ahead and close the door on that part of your life. You already know that we're all here for you and hoping you feel better about all this soon. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
  • xskeetshooter
    xskeetshooter Member Posts: 169
    #7
    he will meet his maker
    sounds like your not letting go of your past.
  • LC815
    LC815 Member Posts: 155
    #8
    Pat, my abusive ex-husband
    Pat, my abusive ex-husband totally WENT OFF on my when I told him of my recurrance. How I had ruined his life, destroyed him, etc. He blamed ME for the break up of our marriage. I was stunned. Later, I decided that abusive people need to control their victims. He could not control my cancer, so he was going to make it "all my fault."

    Your husband and son will understand when they realize your motive. You needed peace, not reconciliation with him or forgiveness. You wanted to forgive HIM. He was a man whom you once thought you loved and he is the father of your two children. One visit to the hospital to see a sick man does not constitute betrayal and I'm sure your loved ones will realize that.

    Pat, it's amazing how many abused women that have had BC. I think a study needs to be done. They can examine you and me first.

    Peace.
    Linda
  • LC815
    LC815 Member Posts: 155
    #9
    xskeetshooter said:

    he will meet his maker
    sounds like your not letting go of your past.

    Cancer brings our past
    Cancer brings our past rushing by us at a very intense rate. I would have done the same thing in Pat's position. When we are fighting BC, we want our lives peaceful. I, for one, will always be looking for the remorse in my ex-husband. If I ever get it, I will be able to get those angry scenes out of my head. As bad as cancer is, domestic violence is almost worse. I never thought I'd be a "poster girl" for both.

    Pat and I have moved on to wonderful men who are healthy and loving. We survived abusive relationships and we remade our lives. That doesn't mean our pasts don't still haunt us from time to time. The image of visiting one's abusive ex in a hospital bed gives one hope for closure. I'm so very very sorry that Pat didn't get it this time.

    There is a quote that goes something like, "If you don't remember the past, you are doomed to repeat it." Our past is part of us, kind of like cancer . . . you want it to diminish,to go into remission, but you'll never forget its role in your life.

    Peace,
    Linda
  • Sunrae
    Sunrae Member Posts: 808
    #10
    LC815 said:

    Pat, my abusive ex-husband
    Pat, my abusive ex-husband totally WENT OFF on my when I told him of my recurrance. How I had ruined his life, destroyed him, etc. He blamed ME for the break up of our marriage. I was stunned. Later, I decided that abusive people need to control their victims. He could not control my cancer, so he was going to make it "all my fault."

    Your husband and son will understand when they realize your motive. You needed peace, not reconciliation with him or forgiveness. You wanted to forgive HIM. He was a man whom you once thought you loved and he is the father of your two children. One visit to the hospital to see a sick man does not constitute betrayal and I'm sure your loved ones will realize that.

    Pat, it's amazing how many abused women that have had BC. I think a study needs to be done. They can examine you and me first.

    Peace.
    Linda

    Stress A Factor
    I've always thought that stress played a big part in getting diseased. My mom went thru a terrible time when my father left her for a younger woman. It broke her heart and us kids saw her change from a strong capable woman to a small wisp of a woman almost overnight. After awhile my father returned and she took him back and did live a few good years together. Within a couple of years after it happened my mother was dxed with bc. I too wonder how much effect stress has on us. Its a fact that it can cause a lot of health problems inc. high BP, diabetes, allergies, asthma and a host of other chronic diseases. BTW I have all those chronic problems.
    Pat, you're right about abusive people. Its all about control. Glad you've got control and your ex can't get to you anymore. Shove the door after him too.
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181 Member
    #11
    hi everyone.
    I just wanted to thank you for your replys.And yes I did tell my husband.I will tell my son that i went and seen him.And I have closed the door on that part of my life concerning him.I will be their for my Children just like always when he passes.I am glad i did it.I didn,t do it for him.I did it for me.It makes me more gratful for my life now.And yes I do think stress can bring on many things in our life.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181 Member
    #12
    Sunrae said:

    Time to close
    Pat, you did what you thought needed to be done in regard to the ex. Your conscience is clear and you will be there for your children. My sons have been the joy of my life and I would go thru it all again just for them. I'm sure you feel the same way when it comes to your kids. Whether you tell your husband or not is certainly up to you. You need to be able to concentrate on your bc and focus on the important things in your life. Go ahead and close the door on that part of your life. You already know that we're all here for you and hoping you feel better about all this soon. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Thanks Sunrae.
    I like your way of thinking.And yes my two children have always been the center of my life.And has always made me want to be a better person.I have shut the door on this situation.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181 Member
    #13
    xskeetshooter said:

    he will meet his maker
    sounds like your not letting go of your past.

    xskeetshooter.
    Hi,I don,t meen to sound like I am still hung up on him. Beleive me I am not.I needed to do this for complete closer.And I am glad I did it.We been divorced many years.And I moved on to a much better life.i been married 21yrs. Weds.But you don,t ever forget when someone has hurt you so bad beating you over and over.I pray you never have or will know what that is like.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
  • ppurdin
    ppurdin Member Posts: 1,181 Member
    #14
    LC815 said:

    Pat, my abusive ex-husband
    Pat, my abusive ex-husband totally WENT OFF on my when I told him of my recurrance. How I had ruined his life, destroyed him, etc. He blamed ME for the break up of our marriage. I was stunned. Later, I decided that abusive people need to control their victims. He could not control my cancer, so he was going to make it "all my fault."

    Your husband and son will understand when they realize your motive. You needed peace, not reconciliation with him or forgiveness. You wanted to forgive HIM. He was a man whom you once thought you loved and he is the father of your two children. One visit to the hospital to see a sick man does not constitute betrayal and I'm sure your loved ones will realize that.

    Pat, it's amazing how many abused women that have had BC. I think a study needs to be done. They can examine you and me first.

    Peace.
    Linda

    Hi Linda
    Thank you for your reply and understanding.It always makes me sad to know someone eles has had to go through domestic disputes like I did.I did tell my husband and I will tell my son.And like you I wonder if the stress and beatings have something to do with BC.Love and Prayers.(Pat).
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #15
    ppurdin said:

    hi everyone.
    I just wanted to thank you for your replys.And yes I did tell my husband.I will tell my son that i went and seen him.And I have closed the door on that part of my life concerning him.I will be their for my Children just like always when he passes.I am glad i did it.I didn,t do it for him.I did it for me.It makes me more gratful for my life now.And yes I do think stress can bring on many things in our life.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

    I have not gone through
    I have not gone through domestic abuse so I feel like I cant begin to say. But knowing myself, I would want some kind of closure as well. Whatever brings peace to YOU and helps you through cant be wrong. He clearly is incapable of seeing what he did wrong. Then he would have to face the kind of man he is weak, to hurt someone who could not defend themselves. Anyway I am glad you got out and have the relationship you deserve. I dont know about stress, but I seem to get diagnosed around times of stress, but mostly both times were around hormonal fluctuations, pregnancy and pre menopause. I wish they would find out, but I think its alot of things because not everyone who has stress gets cancer.
  • Sunrae
    Sunrae Member Posts: 808
    #16
    ppurdin said:

    hi everyone.
    I just wanted to thank you for your replys.And yes I did tell my husband.I will tell my son that i went and seen him.And I have closed the door on that part of my life concerning him.I will be their for my Children just like always when he passes.I am glad i did it.I didn,t do it for him.I did it for me.It makes me more gratful for my life now.And yes I do think stress can bring on many things in our life.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

    Great!
    Pat, I'm proud of you. I know it took a lot of courage on your part to tell your husband. I think we all came out of our past relationships stronger than we might have been if we never had that experience. You truly can close that door and kick all that baggage there too. I understand what you're saying as far as being there for your children. When my children's father passes, they will want me to be there for them, and I will. These are our children and we will always be there for them. Now you and all of us can concentrate on beating this beast and get better each day. We are bonded thru our experiences that we go thru. I'll be here for you and everyone. Take care and have a great Thanksgiving.
  • xskeetshooter
    xskeetshooter Member Posts: 169
    #17
    ppurdin said:

    xskeetshooter.
    Hi,I don,t meen to sound like I am still hung up on him. Beleive me I am not.I needed to do this for complete closer.And I am glad I did it.We been divorced many years.And I moved on to a much better life.i been married 21yrs. Weds.But you don,t ever forget when someone has hurt you so bad beating you over and over.I pray you never have or will know what that is like.Love and Prayers.(Pat).

    been there did that
    i too was beaten by my x husband, thats why i said what i did. i am sorry i didnt say more than i did. i never could let go deep in side, moved on but not let go. then i saw him after 18 yrs, and he was the same miserable lost sole. opened my eyes and finally free mentaly from him. i think that is what you did too, and dont know it yet. but you will. i am happy you have a family you deserve now,, god bless
  • LadyParvati
    LadyParvati Member Posts: 328
    #18
    Sunrae said:

    Great!
    Pat, I'm proud of you. I know it took a lot of courage on your part to tell your husband. I think we all came out of our past relationships stronger than we might have been if we never had that experience. You truly can close that door and kick all that baggage there too. I understand what you're saying as far as being there for your children. When my children's father passes, they will want me to be there for them, and I will. These are our children and we will always be there for them. Now you and all of us can concentrate on beating this beast and get better each day. We are bonded thru our experiences that we go thru. I'll be here for you and everyone. Take care and have a great Thanksgiving.

    I had one like that, too.
    I had a husband like that, too. He still lives in the same town and so I can't avoid seeing him every once in awhile. He'll never apologize--he is incapable of recognizing that he did anything wrong--his memories of our personal history together are completely different. I'll bet your exes are like that, too--simply *incapable* of seeing that they ever did anything wrong.

    I've learned to let it go, but it was really difficult. Having a wonderful husband who isn't abusive and who is loving and kind has really helped a lot. But you're right, there is baggage that affects the way we think and behave even today--we've been conditioned over years to expect certain things, to react in certain ways, and even though that abuser is no longer in our lives, we still have those internalized reactions to very small triggers. We're sensitized.

    Now that you've reminded me of how much I have to be thankful for and how much I have to live for, I think I'll go back to bed and snuggle up to my wonderful guy and get warm again!

    Hugs to all of my sisters who lived through abuse--we are survivors in more than one way!

    Sandy
  • mimivac
    mimivac Member Posts: 2,143 Member
    #19
    Pat,
    I think it was strong of you to visit your ex and seek closure. It's not many people who can face a painful past and move on with the grace that you have. You have nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. He was part of your past and there's no pretending that it didn't happen. Instead of denying or trying to forget, you have agknowledged it and are making peace with your past, and that has to be the best possible outcome.

    Mimi

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