How do I do this?

jelly_bean
jelly_bean Member Posts: 2
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I'm 27 yrs old and caring for my mother who has cancer of the tongue. She just recently had her third surgery and will start radiation in 5-6 weeks. My dad and grandparents and I are working together- taking shifts at the hospital with mom. In addition to that, running errands for everyone, and trying to keep on top of my grad school work and own household, I'm helping with my little brother who is 13 and really acting out (lying, grades dropping, behavior issues at school, etc).

After leaving the hospital yesterday, certain details of my mom's condition have been burned in my mind- the smell, the pain on her face, the blood on her gown, on her face, her swollen neck and tongue.. I just broke down last night and it's all I can do to hold myself together today at work.

How do I do this? I feel almost frozen right now. I don't know what to say to my little brother- and he and I have always been so so close. I don't know what to say to my mom- I just want her better. I miss talking to her every day. I just feel completely powerless and terrified. How do you all find the strength to do this?

Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Hang In There
    Obviously, you are a strong young women with a lot on your plate. Maybe you need to let others run those errands. Your father is the best person to deal with your brother. He's having a tough time dealing with this and needs a male influence. I used to teach middle school and I know what a hard age that is even without family illness. Dad need to sit him down and help him understand what's going on. I don't know what your mother's prognosis is, but your brother needs to know this. I'm sure he misses talking to her every day, too. The behaviors you describe sound like cries for help and attention. Your Dad needs to answer those cries. Maybe you need to take a couple of shifts at the hospital off and regroup. I know that is not easy, but you do need to take care of yourself. Can the grad work be put on hold for awhile? Talk to your adviser about that. Take a couple of deep breaths. My prayers are with you and your family. Fay
  • mr steve
    mr steve Member Posts: 285
    #3
    Full Plate
    JB,

    Fay is correct. you have to take care of yourself in order to be a good caregiver. If you feel like crying then cry, just go day by day. Talk to your little brother. start out with how was his day, sports, girl friend, don't go all heavy right off the bat you'll shut him down.

    Steve
  • jelly_bean
    jelly_bean Member Posts: 2
    #4
    grandmafay said:

    Hang In There
    Obviously, you are a strong young women with a lot on your plate. Maybe you need to let others run those errands. Your father is the best person to deal with your brother. He's having a tough time dealing with this and needs a male influence. I used to teach middle school and I know what a hard age that is even without family illness. Dad need to sit him down and help him understand what's going on. I don't know what your mother's prognosis is, but your brother needs to know this. I'm sure he misses talking to her every day, too. The behaviors you describe sound like cries for help and attention. Your Dad needs to answer those cries. Maybe you need to take a couple of shifts at the hospital off and regroup. I know that is not easy, but you do need to take care of yourself. Can the grad work be put on hold for awhile? Talk to your adviser about that. Take a couple of deep breaths. My prayers are with you and your family. Fay

    Thank you for responding- I
    Thank you for responding- I think you're 110% right about my brother. Taking a break from Grad school isn't really an option that I want to entertain at this time- but maybe you're right about taking some things off my plate..
  • CherylMike
    CherylMike Member Posts: 118
    #5
    jelly_bean said:

    Thank you for responding- I
    Thank you for responding- I think you're 110% right about my brother. Taking a break from Grad school isn't really an option that I want to entertain at this time- but maybe you're right about taking some things off my plate..

    13 Year Old
    My husband died of head and neck cancer on 10-31-09. I have a 13 year old son who watched his dad battle cancer for over 2 years. He also acted out. I called my peditrician who recommended a counselor that specializes in kids with ill parents. My son has seen him on and off throughout Mike's illness (he asked to go see him today). This has really helped. He has a 4.2 GPA and is in honors classes. I work with his counselor at school, who in turn keeps in touch with his teachers. My son is allowed to leave class and go see his counselor any time that he needs to talk. She has been a lifesaver for both my son and myself.

    Mike underwent chemo and radiation. This was VERY hard (he ended up hospitalized twice). However, when he finished, he returned to work and we went back to our "new normal" life. If you ever need to talk, please ask. I have been through this and may be able to help. I also have a 21 and 23 year old. The 21 year old dropped out of school as he could not concentrate on his studies. My 23 year old continued her studies (she worked with her counselors and teachers during the tough times). So, I think you should do whatever you feel is right with your schooling. Just make sure that you take time for yourself. Take care of yourself.

    I will be praying for you ~Cheryl

Discussion Boards