Arrangements

sassy1
sassy1 Member Posts: 54
edited March 2014 in Emotional Support #1
Yesterday the nurse was here from hospice and as she was getting ready to leave, she asked me if I had made any funeral arrangements yet. I advised that I had not. She recommended that I start making them next week. She caught me off guard. When she called this morning, I asked her if she thought my husband would make it through the holidays. She advised that he would probably be okay for Thanksgiving but not for Christmas. I have spoken with my brother-in-law and asked him to go with me next week to make arrangements. I am at a loss for words.
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Comments

  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
    Arrangements
    We didn't make any arrangements before hand because my husband didn't want to do that. He did tell me his wishes. We already had a plot. When my father died my husband decided to buy a couple more plots. He thought they were a good deal. Both my husband and I had decided on cremation so the place is big enough for a family plot if anyone else wants to add their ashes. My husband had already talked to our pastor about his memorial service. So I guess some things were done. My sons and I went to the funeral home and took care of everything else after my husband's death. Since he was being cremated and the memorial service was off site, there wasn't much to do. Mainly it was answering questions for the death certificate and newspaper. We have a very honest funeral director. He didn't try to talk us into anything expensive. That was my experience. We only have one funeral home in the area, and the owner is also the coroner. I guess that simplifies things, too. You need to decide for yourself what you want to do, and also follow your husband's wishes. I actually knew one man who not only planned his own funeral, he haggled over prices with his funeral home. He even went online to find a cheaper casket and ordered it ahead of time. If you're not ready to do this, don't let hospice push you on it. Fay
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #3
    Arrangements
    For some reason this double posted.
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54
    #4
    grandmafay said:

    Arrangements
    We didn't make any arrangements before hand because my husband didn't want to do that. He did tell me his wishes. We already had a plot. When my father died my husband decided to buy a couple more plots. He thought they were a good deal. Both my husband and I had decided on cremation so the place is big enough for a family plot if anyone else wants to add their ashes. My husband had already talked to our pastor about his memorial service. So I guess some things were done. My sons and I went to the funeral home and took care of everything else after my husband's death. Since he was being cremated and the memorial service was off site, there wasn't much to do. Mainly it was answering questions for the death certificate and newspaper. We have a very honest funeral director. He didn't try to talk us into anything expensive. That was my experience. We only have one funeral home in the area, and the owner is also the coroner. I guess that simplifies things, too. You need to decide for yourself what you want to do, and also follow your husband's wishes. I actually knew one man who not only planned his own funeral, he haggled over prices with his funeral home. He even went online to find a cheaper casket and ordered it ahead of time. If you're not ready to do this, don't let hospice push you on it. Fay

    Arrangements
    My husband and I have discussed what we both wanted over the years and always planned to take care of the arrangements before hand but the extra money was never there. Unfortunately, my husband is at the point where he will wake up to eat but then he goes back to sleep. He sleeps a lot and really doesn't want to discuss anything when he is awake so I do want to take care of things now so that I don't have to worry about it later. I am going to take my brother-in-law with me because he may be able to haggle a little better than I can with the situation as it is. This funeral home did take care of both of their parents and they also know the owner so hopefully that will help the situation. I also spoke with my mother who went through the same situation with my father and said that it was also better to do it prior although they did not have to worry about plots because my father was a veteran and had space available at a military cemetary.

    The nurse called me back on Thursday and I asked her why she recommended that I make the arrangements. I just came out and asked her if she thought that my husband would be here through the holidays and she stated that probably for Thanksgiving but not for Christmas. That was total reality to me. I see how he is declining. He has lost weight and eats but not much. This is a man who used to eat double helpings for dinner and now eats enough to fill a salad plate. He takes three different pain killers and complains of still being in pain. He says the only time it doesn't hurt is when he is asleep which now is almost 22 hours a day. I hate to see him suffering. And the more I think about him and what is happening the more I sit here and cry. IT HURTS SOOO MUCH!!! And having to make funeral arrangements no matter when I do it is just making everything so final.
  • MichelleP
    MichelleP Member Posts: 254
    #5
    sassy1 said:

    Arrangements
    My husband and I have discussed what we both wanted over the years and always planned to take care of the arrangements before hand but the extra money was never there. Unfortunately, my husband is at the point where he will wake up to eat but then he goes back to sleep. He sleeps a lot and really doesn't want to discuss anything when he is awake so I do want to take care of things now so that I don't have to worry about it later. I am going to take my brother-in-law with me because he may be able to haggle a little better than I can with the situation as it is. This funeral home did take care of both of their parents and they also know the owner so hopefully that will help the situation. I also spoke with my mother who went through the same situation with my father and said that it was also better to do it prior although they did not have to worry about plots because my father was a veteran and had space available at a military cemetary.

    The nurse called me back on Thursday and I asked her why she recommended that I make the arrangements. I just came out and asked her if she thought that my husband would be here through the holidays and she stated that probably for Thanksgiving but not for Christmas. That was total reality to me. I see how he is declining. He has lost weight and eats but not much. This is a man who used to eat double helpings for dinner and now eats enough to fill a salad plate. He takes three different pain killers and complains of still being in pain. He says the only time it doesn't hurt is when he is asleep which now is almost 22 hours a day. I hate to see him suffering. And the more I think about him and what is happening the more I sit here and cry. IT HURTS SOOO MUCH!!! And having to make funeral arrangements no matter when I do it is just making everything so final.

    My husband just passed one
    My husband just passed one month ago today. When he was diagnosed in March 09 the doctor told me that I should make "arrangements". I was devastated that he would say that, but I also realized that lung cancer is a certain death sentence at his stage 3, so I actually forced myself to do it. It was sooooooooo hard to walk into that mortuary and make arrangements for my loving husband. But, I'm very glad that I did it then instead of "after" his passing. That way hospice made all the phone calls necessary and I was able to just lay down and cry instead of going to the mortuary within hours of his passing.

    Because of this, I will be making my own arrangements because I never want my son to have to deal with something like that. So, I encourage you to do it ahead of time to make it easier on yourself.
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54
    #6
    MichelleP said:

    My husband just passed one
    My husband just passed one month ago today. When he was diagnosed in March 09 the doctor told me that I should make "arrangements". I was devastated that he would say that, but I also realized that lung cancer is a certain death sentence at his stage 3, so I actually forced myself to do it. It was sooooooooo hard to walk into that mortuary and make arrangements for my loving husband. But, I'm very glad that I did it then instead of "after" his passing. That way hospice made all the phone calls necessary and I was able to just lay down and cry instead of going to the mortuary within hours of his passing.

    Because of this, I will be making my own arrangements because I never want my son to have to deal with something like that. So, I encourage you to do it ahead of time to make it easier on yourself.

    I am so
    I am so sorry to hear about your husband. You have my deepest sympathy. I have made an appointment to go Tuesday afternoon with my brother-in-law and his wife. I feel that I will need the support even at this stage. I don't know about you but I get so annoyed when I see all the commercials on tv for fundraisers for pancreatic cancer and breast cancer but you never hear anything for lung cancer. You are right, it seems that it is an automatic death sentence. My husband was diagnosed with Stage IIIB in June of 2002 and went through a year of chemo and a month of radiation. He was diagnosed with the stage IV in May of this year. I know I should be happy for the seven extra years that we had together, but I just feel that lung cancer doesn't even get recognized as a survivable disease. Thank you for the advice, I definitely am going to make the arrangements this week because you are right, afterward I am sure that all I will want to do is just curl up and cry. I would like to know though, I have family members who are asking me to come and stay with them upon the passing of my husband. Right now, I feel that I just want to shut myself away and grieve alone for him. Is that wrong? What did you do and how are you making out?
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #7
    I have already made my arrangements.
    sassy,

    Following my mother's death in 2006, the attorney who handled her estate advised me to plan for my own demise, since I have no other immediate family members to assume responsibility for my affairs. I now have everything, will, trust, power of attorney, cemetery plot, and head stone (1951 - ?). I am not ready and not so willing, but, at least, I am able.

    Cancer is not our only enemy out there, so is every drunk driver.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    #8
    terato said:

    I have already made my arrangements.
    sassy,

    Following my mother's death in 2006, the attorney who handled her estate advised me to plan for my own demise, since I have no other immediate family members to assume responsibility for my affairs. I now have everything, will, trust, power of attorney, cemetery plot, and head stone (1951 - ?). I am not ready and not so willing, but, at least, I am able.

    Cancer is not our only enemy out there, so is every drunk driver.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick

    Hello Sassy
    I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I am a 20 year survivor of non hodgkins lymphoma and I made my arrangements for my demise several years back, mainly for my children's sake, make it easier for them if I passed sooner rather than later. Like Rick said, cancer isn't the only thing that can take us. No one knows who or when except for the Big Guy - as far as I am concerned so no matter what the situation we should all be prepared.

    It is such a hard time for you. Couldn't you just have family go and fill in the final details? Give them the basics and they can call you from the funeral parlour or the lawyers office if they have questions but then you can stay with your husband and take advantage of every possible moment with him in these circumstances? However, maybe going makes you feel as if you are helping him too so whatever you feel you need to do then of course go with your heart.

    I can imagin how shocking it was to hear the nurse tell you to get his affairs in order and tell you that Xmas might be too late, no matter how educated me are in a person's (or our own) health situation it is always a shock to hear something as final and shocking as 'get your affairs in order NOW'. Hugs.

    You are blessed to have family there around you, willing to help, so let them help you by relieving you of anything that could make this time easier for you. You are in my prayers, Bluerose
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54
    #9
    bluerose said:

    Hello Sassy
    I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I am a 20 year survivor of non hodgkins lymphoma and I made my arrangements for my demise several years back, mainly for my children's sake, make it easier for them if I passed sooner rather than later. Like Rick said, cancer isn't the only thing that can take us. No one knows who or when except for the Big Guy - as far as I am concerned so no matter what the situation we should all be prepared.

    It is such a hard time for you. Couldn't you just have family go and fill in the final details? Give them the basics and they can call you from the funeral parlour or the lawyers office if they have questions but then you can stay with your husband and take advantage of every possible moment with him in these circumstances? However, maybe going makes you feel as if you are helping him too so whatever you feel you need to do then of course go with your heart.

    I can imagin how shocking it was to hear the nurse tell you to get his affairs in order and tell you that Xmas might be too late, no matter how educated me are in a person's (or our own) health situation it is always a shock to hear something as final and shocking as 'get your affairs in order NOW'. Hugs.

    You are blessed to have family there around you, willing to help, so let them help you by relieving you of anything that could make this time easier for you. You are in my prayers, Bluerose

    Thank you
    I want to thank everyone for the advice. I have decided that I will go with family and make arrangements. My husband was a member of a fire company and he is an ex-chief so I will also have to contact the Fire Commissioners to make arrangements for the use of the fire equipment. Unfortunately, this I will not be able to do until after my husband's passing. I have also decided that after my husband passes and I get myself situated, I will make my own arrangements as you have suggested because I have no children and I can't really rely on other people so I want to take care of it myself. They say that in situations like this it brings out the best and the worst in people. I have found who the real friends and family are and I think what hurt my husband most was finding out that people whom he thought would be there for him have not been. It almost seems that people think it is a contagious situation and don't want to come near. Even a card from them would have been nice for my husband. I know that there are so many things in this world that hurt and kill people but I guess with the original diagnosis of the lung cancer, it just brought it to my attention that there is very little being done to help people in this situation. And I hear a lot that people feel that if you get lung cancer, you must have done something to bring it on yourself. I just feel sorry for people who think that way because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am starting to ask family and hospice for more help now because I think it is getting to the point that if I don't, I am just going to fall apart.
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    #10
    sassy1 said:

    Thank you
    I want to thank everyone for the advice. I have decided that I will go with family and make arrangements. My husband was a member of a fire company and he is an ex-chief so I will also have to contact the Fire Commissioners to make arrangements for the use of the fire equipment. Unfortunately, this I will not be able to do until after my husband's passing. I have also decided that after my husband passes and I get myself situated, I will make my own arrangements as you have suggested because I have no children and I can't really rely on other people so I want to take care of it myself. They say that in situations like this it brings out the best and the worst in people. I have found who the real friends and family are and I think what hurt my husband most was finding out that people whom he thought would be there for him have not been. It almost seems that people think it is a contagious situation and don't want to come near. Even a card from them would have been nice for my husband. I know that there are so many things in this world that hurt and kill people but I guess with the original diagnosis of the lung cancer, it just brought it to my attention that there is very little being done to help people in this situation. And I hear a lot that people feel that if you get lung cancer, you must have done something to bring it on yourself. I just feel sorry for people who think that way because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am starting to ask family and hospice for more help now because I think it is getting to the point that if I don't, I am just going to fall apart.

    You are doing everything right
    Just a note of validation that from the sounds of it you are doing everything right - especially asking for the help you need and you are right, if you try and go it alone there is a big chance you will lose it so good for you - let them help - it's good for them too.

    Oh Sassy you are experiencing so many feelings and experiences many of us have had, and our families, of losing friends that we thought would be there for us but gaining true friends - sometimes strangers - who will help you through. Yup there are people who think that a person who gets cancer has done something wrong to get it and it's just sinful really to think like that. I guess it's ignorance.

    Well you have come to the right place for added support so anytime you need to vent we are all here for you.

    Be careful to take care of yourself along the way, I know you seem to be now by asking for help but just keep yourself in mind too as you go about this stressful time. Blessings, Bluerose
  • MichelleP
    MichelleP Member Posts: 254
    #11
    sassy1 said:

    I am so
    I am so sorry to hear about your husband. You have my deepest sympathy. I have made an appointment to go Tuesday afternoon with my brother-in-law and his wife. I feel that I will need the support even at this stage. I don't know about you but I get so annoyed when I see all the commercials on tv for fundraisers for pancreatic cancer and breast cancer but you never hear anything for lung cancer. You are right, it seems that it is an automatic death sentence. My husband was diagnosed with Stage IIIB in June of 2002 and went through a year of chemo and a month of radiation. He was diagnosed with the stage IV in May of this year. I know I should be happy for the seven extra years that we had together, but I just feel that lung cancer doesn't even get recognized as a survivable disease. Thank you for the advice, I definitely am going to make the arrangements this week because you are right, afterward I am sure that all I will want to do is just curl up and cry. I would like to know though, I have family members who are asking me to come and stay with them upon the passing of my husband. Right now, I feel that I just want to shut myself away and grieve alone for him. Is that wrong? What did you do and how are you making out?

    Sassy
    I know that making the arrangements are very hard and I'm glad you're not going alone. I went alone and it was torture.

    As far as spending time with others after it happens that you'll need to decide for yourself but as for me, I spend all of my time alone except for a few short talks with my son. I prefer it this way for now. I don't feel comfortable crying around others.

    I'll be thinking of you!
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #12
    sassy1 said:

    Thank you
    I want to thank everyone for the advice. I have decided that I will go with family and make arrangements. My husband was a member of a fire company and he is an ex-chief so I will also have to contact the Fire Commissioners to make arrangements for the use of the fire equipment. Unfortunately, this I will not be able to do until after my husband's passing. I have also decided that after my husband passes and I get myself situated, I will make my own arrangements as you have suggested because I have no children and I can't really rely on other people so I want to take care of it myself. They say that in situations like this it brings out the best and the worst in people. I have found who the real friends and family are and I think what hurt my husband most was finding out that people whom he thought would be there for him have not been. It almost seems that people think it is a contagious situation and don't want to come near. Even a card from them would have been nice for my husband. I know that there are so many things in this world that hurt and kill people but I guess with the original diagnosis of the lung cancer, it just brought it to my attention that there is very little being done to help people in this situation. And I hear a lot that people feel that if you get lung cancer, you must have done something to bring it on yourself. I just feel sorry for people who think that way because I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I am starting to ask family and hospice for more help now because I think it is getting to the point that if I don't, I am just going to fall apart.

    Blue is right on the money, as usual!
    sassy,

    I have no children and have been divorced for over 20 years, so I rely on cousins and a few close friends for help, when I really need it. Most of the time, I just get by on pure dumb luck and the intervention of the spirits of my deceased loved ones.

    Anyone who believes that people with any type of cancer "brought it on themselves" is an idiot, pure and simple! He/she is among the most odious of vermin ever permitted to inhabit the earth. Need I say more?

    Does your hospice offer bereavement counseling?

    Love and Courage!

    Rick
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54
    #13
    terato said:

    Blue is right on the money, as usual!
    sassy,

    I have no children and have been divorced for over 20 years, so I rely on cousins and a few close friends for help, when I really need it. Most of the time, I just get by on pure dumb luck and the intervention of the spirits of my deceased loved ones.

    Anyone who believes that people with any type of cancer "brought it on themselves" is an idiot, pure and simple! He/she is among the most odious of vermin ever permitted to inhabit the earth. Need I say more?

    Does your hospice offer bereavement counseling?

    Love and Courage!

    Rick

    I have been
    I have been taking care of my husband since he became ill and was in the hospital from May 11th and I brought him home from rehab on August 21st. I have been with him every step of the way and I have fought anyone trying to support me because I was taught by my parents that you have to look out for yourself. Well, since my husband has been so ill and I have taken care of him, I have let myself go. I don't sleep much because I sit here next to the baby monitor listening to him breathing. I'm actually afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid of what I might find when I wake up. I know it's inevitable but I'm actually afraid of finding him already passed on. I've tried to explain it to the nurse but she tells me that I need to just go to bed and get some sleep and whatever is giong to happen will happen. I can't look at it that way. Last night was a very rough night for me because Glenn, my husband, was a lot like his old self. Then I sit here alone at night and I think of what the nurse told me and I just start to cry. I needed to talk to someone so I called my sister-in-law who I've never gotten along with because she really never approved of my husband and I marrying because of our age difference. I'm glad I did because she needed to hear exactly what is going on with Glenn and she is going to come and see him. She hasn't seen him since August. I think she may be in for a bit of a shock. I know I just go on and on and on but it's like everything is bottled up inside and it just comes out like a volcano erupting. I'm just happy I found the site and that I have people that I can reach out to who understand what I'm going through. As far as the hospice having a support group, yes I think they do. I will double check though. And after thinking everything through, I have decided that after my husband's passing, I will stay in my own home where I can be alone. Up until I married my husband, I was always a loner and I feel that I will need to be alone just to be able to accept what will have happened.

    Thank you all for being there.

    HUGS
    Shirley
  • terato
    terato Member Posts: 375
    #14
    sassy1 said:

    I have been
    I have been taking care of my husband since he became ill and was in the hospital from May 11th and I brought him home from rehab on August 21st. I have been with him every step of the way and I have fought anyone trying to support me because I was taught by my parents that you have to look out for yourself. Well, since my husband has been so ill and I have taken care of him, I have let myself go. I don't sleep much because I sit here next to the baby monitor listening to him breathing. I'm actually afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid of what I might find when I wake up. I know it's inevitable but I'm actually afraid of finding him already passed on. I've tried to explain it to the nurse but she tells me that I need to just go to bed and get some sleep and whatever is giong to happen will happen. I can't look at it that way. Last night was a very rough night for me because Glenn, my husband, was a lot like his old self. Then I sit here alone at night and I think of what the nurse told me and I just start to cry. I needed to talk to someone so I called my sister-in-law who I've never gotten along with because she really never approved of my husband and I marrying because of our age difference. I'm glad I did because she needed to hear exactly what is going on with Glenn and she is going to come and see him. She hasn't seen him since August. I think she may be in for a bit of a shock. I know I just go on and on and on but it's like everything is bottled up inside and it just comes out like a volcano erupting. I'm just happy I found the site and that I have people that I can reach out to who understand what I'm going through. As far as the hospice having a support group, yes I think they do. I will double check though. And after thinking everything through, I have decided that after my husband's passing, I will stay in my own home where I can be alone. Up until I married my husband, I was always a loner and I feel that I will need to be alone just to be able to accept what will have happened.

    Thank you all for being there.

    HUGS
    Shirley

    Bereavement counseling really helps!
    Shirley,

    Following my brother's suicide, I was an emotional train wreck. Individual and group counseling brought me back to sanity. When my mother died in 2006, I took full advantage of the bereavement programs offered by her Rainbow Hospice. If your hospice does not offer bereavement programs for family members, please inquire at your treatment center or local place of worship. I strongly recommend bereavement counseling as a path towards peace and healing.

    Love and Courage!

    Rick
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    #15
    sassy1 said:

    I have been
    I have been taking care of my husband since he became ill and was in the hospital from May 11th and I brought him home from rehab on August 21st. I have been with him every step of the way and I have fought anyone trying to support me because I was taught by my parents that you have to look out for yourself. Well, since my husband has been so ill and I have taken care of him, I have let myself go. I don't sleep much because I sit here next to the baby monitor listening to him breathing. I'm actually afraid to go to sleep. I'm afraid of what I might find when I wake up. I know it's inevitable but I'm actually afraid of finding him already passed on. I've tried to explain it to the nurse but she tells me that I need to just go to bed and get some sleep and whatever is giong to happen will happen. I can't look at it that way. Last night was a very rough night for me because Glenn, my husband, was a lot like his old self. Then I sit here alone at night and I think of what the nurse told me and I just start to cry. I needed to talk to someone so I called my sister-in-law who I've never gotten along with because she really never approved of my husband and I marrying because of our age difference. I'm glad I did because she needed to hear exactly what is going on with Glenn and she is going to come and see him. She hasn't seen him since August. I think she may be in for a bit of a shock. I know I just go on and on and on but it's like everything is bottled up inside and it just comes out like a volcano erupting. I'm just happy I found the site and that I have people that I can reach out to who understand what I'm going through. As far as the hospice having a support group, yes I think they do. I will double check though. And after thinking everything through, I have decided that after my husband's passing, I will stay in my own home where I can be alone. Up until I married my husband, I was always a loner and I feel that I will need to be alone just to be able to accept what will have happened.

    Thank you all for being there.

    HUGS
    Shirley

    Ditto from me on Rick's response Sassy
    If I read your last post right it sounds like you are looking forward to quiet time for yourself after you husband has 'gone home'. However I just catch a glimpse of going into hiding and while that is expected for a while after a loss you have to make sure that you don't retreat to seclusion as a lifestyle. Take the time you need to grieve WITH the help and monitoring of a good bereavement counsellor, as Rick suggested, they know the pattern of greiving and know when it goes wrong too. They can keep an eye on you from a distance too, without interferring in the normal bereavement process. Please think about that sooner rather than later.

    Too I would give that group another chance, you felt like a newbie and excluded but really if you just approach the facilitator with your issue I am sure they will bring the group back into focus.

    I continue to hold you and your husband in my prayers. Blessings Shirley, Bluerose
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54
    #16
    bluerose said:

    Ditto from me on Rick's response Sassy
    If I read your last post right it sounds like you are looking forward to quiet time for yourself after you husband has 'gone home'. However I just catch a glimpse of going into hiding and while that is expected for a while after a loss you have to make sure that you don't retreat to seclusion as a lifestyle. Take the time you need to grieve WITH the help and monitoring of a good bereavement counsellor, as Rick suggested, they know the pattern of greiving and know when it goes wrong too. They can keep an eye on you from a distance too, without interferring in the normal bereavement process. Please think about that sooner rather than later.

    Too I would give that group another chance, you felt like a newbie and excluded but really if you just approach the facilitator with your issue I am sure they will bring the group back into focus.

    I continue to hold you and your husband in my prayers. Blessings Shirley, Bluerose

    Rick & Blue
    I am going to take your advice. I'm going to talk to the hospice tomorrow and see if the counseling will be available after my husband's passing. I think sometimes it is much easier to talk to a stranger than it is to your own family. They always seem to think that you can just "be strong" and handle the situation. Granted, they all tell me that they would not be able to do what I have done and am doing for my husband, but if you love them and as the vows say, "in sickness and in health", you just do what needs to be done without a second thought. I know I carry on but my husband has had a couple of bad days. Today he is sort of in and out of it. One minute he knows where he is and then the next, he has no idea where he is at. I'm up almost 24 hours with him now because even though he's taking medications at night, he does wake up and I'm afraid that he is going to wonder around and hurt himself. Just getting up off the bed is a chore for him and I don't want to go through another fall with him. He is just healing from the one four weeks ago. God, I don't know where the time goes. It just seems to be flying by. I was thinking about decorating for Christmas for him already. I usually get a real tree and I think I will just get a smaller one this year. I want him to at least experience the holiday before his passing. He always enjoyed Christmas because it has always been my favorite time of the year. I always started listening to Chritmas music right after Halloween but he enjoyed it also. I just have to wait until the real trees are delivered before I can do anything. I don't want him to miss the season no matter what. Tell me if you think I'm crazy.
    Shirley
  • onlyhuman
    onlyhuman Member Posts: 99
    #17
    sassy1 said:

    Rick & Blue
    I am going to take your advice. I'm going to talk to the hospice tomorrow and see if the counseling will be available after my husband's passing. I think sometimes it is much easier to talk to a stranger than it is to your own family. They always seem to think that you can just "be strong" and handle the situation. Granted, they all tell me that they would not be able to do what I have done and am doing for my husband, but if you love them and as the vows say, "in sickness and in health", you just do what needs to be done without a second thought. I know I carry on but my husband has had a couple of bad days. Today he is sort of in and out of it. One minute he knows where he is and then the next, he has no idea where he is at. I'm up almost 24 hours with him now because even though he's taking medications at night, he does wake up and I'm afraid that he is going to wonder around and hurt himself. Just getting up off the bed is a chore for him and I don't want to go through another fall with him. He is just healing from the one four weeks ago. God, I don't know where the time goes. It just seems to be flying by. I was thinking about decorating for Christmas for him already. I usually get a real tree and I think I will just get a smaller one this year. I want him to at least experience the holiday before his passing. He always enjoyed Christmas because it has always been my favorite time of the year. I always started listening to Chritmas music right after Halloween but he enjoyed it also. I just have to wait until the real trees are delivered before I can do anything. I don't want him to miss the season no matter what. Tell me if you think I'm crazy.
    Shirley

    can sort of understand
    Hi Shirley
    We were only told last week that my husband has run out of treatment options. Over the week however he has gone down hill very quickly. He now can barely speak and has mobility issues. He is also starting to sleep a lot. I have some family around but most of my family is in a different country. The ones here are going away for the holidays. I too have been advised to look into funeral arrangements. Its so hard but I will call the funeral directors today. Fortunately we cremate and so there should not be very many arrangements to make. He has not had a good day yet since last tuesday.
    I have been seeing a counsellor for a few months but this experience is so isolating I sometimes feel that people not experiencing it for themselves have no clue.
    Just had to let you know that you are not crazy and you are not alone.
    Sangeeta
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    #18
    sassy1 said:

    Rick & Blue
    I am going to take your advice. I'm going to talk to the hospice tomorrow and see if the counseling will be available after my husband's passing. I think sometimes it is much easier to talk to a stranger than it is to your own family. They always seem to think that you can just "be strong" and handle the situation. Granted, they all tell me that they would not be able to do what I have done and am doing for my husband, but if you love them and as the vows say, "in sickness and in health", you just do what needs to be done without a second thought. I know I carry on but my husband has had a couple of bad days. Today he is sort of in and out of it. One minute he knows where he is and then the next, he has no idea where he is at. I'm up almost 24 hours with him now because even though he's taking medications at night, he does wake up and I'm afraid that he is going to wonder around and hurt himself. Just getting up off the bed is a chore for him and I don't want to go through another fall with him. He is just healing from the one four weeks ago. God, I don't know where the time goes. It just seems to be flying by. I was thinking about decorating for Christmas for him already. I usually get a real tree and I think I will just get a smaller one this year. I want him to at least experience the holiday before his passing. He always enjoyed Christmas because it has always been my favorite time of the year. I always started listening to Chritmas music right after Halloween but he enjoyed it also. I just have to wait until the real trees are delivered before I can do anything. I don't want him to miss the season no matter what. Tell me if you think I'm crazy.
    Shirley

    You are far from crazy Shirley
    I think decorating for Xmas will do you both good - bring in that bit of normality despite what is going on with his condition. I think it will be a distraction for both of you in a way, sad too at times not doubt but I think it's still a good idea.

    The only other thing I wanted to say, and I'm so glad you are going to see a counsellor, is, why wait to see one after he has passed? I really think they can help you now too with this process you are going through - not just afterwards. Think about it. Too you are saying that you are not sleeping and I really think you should consider having hospice come in and sit with him while you rest. You need your strength too, for him and for yourself. Hospice is there for many stages and I really think you should talk to them about helping you out now too.

    I'm so glad to hear that you are going to talk to hospice, just consider them helping you now too, okay?

    Blessings, Bluerose
  • bluerose
    bluerose Member Posts: 1,104
    #19
    onlyhuman said:

    can sort of understand
    Hi Shirley
    We were only told last week that my husband has run out of treatment options. Over the week however he has gone down hill very quickly. He now can barely speak and has mobility issues. He is also starting to sleep a lot. I have some family around but most of my family is in a different country. The ones here are going away for the holidays. I too have been advised to look into funeral arrangements. Its so hard but I will call the funeral directors today. Fortunately we cremate and so there should not be very many arrangements to make. He has not had a good day yet since last tuesday.
    I have been seeing a counsellor for a few months but this experience is so isolating I sometimes feel that people not experiencing it for themselves have no clue.
    Just had to let you know that you are not crazy and you are not alone.
    Sangeeta

    Hello Sangeeta
    I am so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds like you are in a similar position to Shirley in this experience. I hope you gain some help from things we have written to Shirley here too and you are an inspiration to her in that you choose to see a counsellor beforehand. Make sure you tell the counsellor how isolated you feel this experience is making you feel so that perhaps they can intervene with help for you at home as well, for you and your husband.

    Take care of you too along the way. Blessings, Bluerose
  • sassy1
    sassy1 Member Posts: 54
    #20
    onlyhuman said:

    can sort of understand
    Hi Shirley
    We were only told last week that my husband has run out of treatment options. Over the week however he has gone down hill very quickly. He now can barely speak and has mobility issues. He is also starting to sleep a lot. I have some family around but most of my family is in a different country. The ones here are going away for the holidays. I too have been advised to look into funeral arrangements. Its so hard but I will call the funeral directors today. Fortunately we cremate and so there should not be very many arrangements to make. He has not had a good day yet since last tuesday.
    I have been seeing a counsellor for a few months but this experience is so isolating I sometimes feel that people not experiencing it for themselves have no clue.
    Just had to let you know that you are not crazy and you are not alone.
    Sangeeta

    Sangeeta
    I'm sorry to hear that you are going through the same process as I am. I know it is extremely hard to handle and sometimes to even understand why these things are happening. Until today, my husband was weak but was able to walk to the bathroom. Now though, he is extremely weak and I can no longer trust myself to help him into the bathroom because I'm afraid that he may fall again. I will just move the portapotty into his room. I have been talking to a Reverand for the last couple of months so I do feel that I have had some support from him. He went through the same process with his wife. She passed from lung cancer and he took care of her. So I guess you can say because of his qualifications, I have had a little bit of counseling. He calls me at least once a week or I give him a call when I need to talk to him. He has been there for me. I know that my husband's family and some of mine will be here for me. I also want you to know that I am here for you. It's a good feeling to know that there is someone out there that you can talk to who is going through the same as you. I have done a lot of soul searching this past couple of days and I know that "what does not kill us only makes us stronger" and that I will come through this whole situation a stronger person. I am just feeling sorry for myself I guess because my husband won't be here with me to see the results. In a way, I feel that I have already lost Glenn to this disease because he has become someone that I really don't know at times. I know it's not him but the illness and that the man that I love is there.

    I can't believe that your husband has declined so quickly! It has to be very hard for you because you have not had time to adjust as the disease progressed. Just take it one day at a time, I know a cliche, but that is the only way that I have been able to survive. I don't make plans normally but I have decided to do my home for the holidays as soon as I can get a real tree. We always had artificial until two years ago and since then, we went to real. I think my husband will enjoy it.

    While I speak with hospice tomorrow, I will ask them also, if there is any way to get someone to come and sit with my husband while I try to get some rest. I only slept for an hour and a half last night and I noticed today that at times, I was a little annoyed with my husband. I can't let that happen again.

    Also, thank you Bluerose for the recommendation. I am going to follow through.

    Shirley
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #21
    I was away for the weekend
    I was away for the weekend and then had my computer do strange things this morning, so I'm just catching up on your posts. I want to assure you that you are not crazy, just feeling that way. I still haven't found some of the things I put away during my husband's final days. It drives me crazy. None of them are that important, but I just can't remember where I put them. I also found and still find myself starting a chore, then moving on to something else before I have finished the first one. My thinking is really fragmented at times. I will tell you, too, that my husband did pass away while I was napping. My sons are convinced that he did it on purpose. That may or may not be true, but it was ok. I had told him often that I loved him; I hadn't left anything unsaid. I know that he went peacefully, and I am at peace. I'm sure you are doing the same. I'm glad you are asking for help. People do want to help. Also, I think the idea of staying in your home and taking some time to yourself after your husband passes is a good one. I have often heard it said that we should take at least a year after losing a loved one before making any big moves. I believe that. I am in the home we lived in for the last 33 years. I probably won't stay here forever, but it's where I need to be right now. You are going through a very rough time. Get some rest and go on and on to us whenever you want. That's why we are here. I can go on and on myself. Fay

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