Time to Vent Again

padee6339
padee6339 Member Posts: 763
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Maybe I'm being too whiney, but I just need to let off some steam. I have a brother who lives 2 states away from me. He is "retired", living on food stamps, welfare, medicare and all that good stuff because his legs and knees are bad from his old job. He also has a girlfriend who is an unemployed nurse (can't find a job?) and when her benefits were ending she sought and received disability, so she is not working either. I have an 88 year old retired Mother who I take care of when she needs me. I work full time. This brother has 2 adult daughters, one who is also on welfare and has a child (and no husband). My brother invited his daughter and her son to my house so the week before Christmas I will have myself, my Mother, brother, girlfriend, daughter and grandson all at my house. I live in a doublewide trailer that is 25 years old and beginning to fall apart. I only have one working bathroom and 1 guestroom. While everyone is there, I will be working all day at my job, coming home to who knows what. I will have to feed all these people, and make room for them. Picture the size of the house with the Christmas tree. And now that my niece is coming, its present giving time again. She is also trying to get her other sister to come too. Oh, and the girlfriend arrives with her dog. I have a cat. Picture it. I have over 600 dollars in doctor's copays that are due and had to buy a newer car, so add car payments to the mix. And finally, add in Cataract surgery for me next week. Is it any wonder I can't sleep at night?

Sorry to complain and vent, but I know I will get some pretty good feedback to help me cope with this upcoming situation.

Signed - a very teary Pat

Comments

  • padee6339
    padee6339 Member Posts: 763
    #2
    I forgot........
    I love each and every one of these people dearly, even the little dog, but I wish my brother had not invited his daughter at this time. I would have rather waited until the spring or summer when we can all sit outside instead of cramping into my living room.
    Me again
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #3
    padee6339 said:

    I forgot........
    I love each and every one of these people dearly, even the little dog, but I wish my brother had not invited his daughter at this time. I would have rather waited until the spring or summer when we can all sit outside instead of cramping into my living room.
    Me again

    Padee,
    They are not here
    Padee,
    They are not here yet. My opinion is that you need to take charge. You need to tell them that you love them all dearly but this is just too much for you right now. Too much emotionally, financially, physically etc. They are your family and they love you. They will understand. If not, then they are not looking at your best interest. Just like we have to be our best advocates for our treatments, we must be the best advocates for our mental and physical well being. As an alternate, suggest that they stay in a motel and come over after you are home from work. It doesn't matter if they have limited finances, they can pool them and share a room. You need to take care of you and your mom because she is dependent on you. Be frank about your finances and space and health. You will be having surgery and you need to recoup with minimal fuss. And tell them what you said about the spring or summer and how much more enjoyable that visit will be for everyone.
    And it is okay to vent, whine whatever. But I know that I would not want to have all that company in close quarters while I am working and just getting by. That many people, pets etc is just too much too soon. Hope you can work this out. THe holidays should be a happy time and I don't think that this is going to make your season bright.
    Your family loves you as much as you do them and if you point out all the reasons that this will be too difficult for you they will understand. They want what is best for you and they are probably only seeing the "We'll all be together celebrating, won't it be wonderful" picture, not the "Oh my god, this is going to be total stress for Padee" picture. Paint them that picture.
    I know I sound bossy and you will do what you need to do, but I really feel strongly that we need to stand up for ourselves. It is about you, not them.
    Prayers that your surgery goes smoothly and that you can work this out to your satisfaction.
    Stef
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #4
    Pat
    Stef has given you some very good advice, I think.

    It sounds like you are a very giving person, and because you do love your family you don't want to hurt them by refusing their company. But you just need to explain to them that although you LOVE them and would love to have their company, the type of visit they're planning is just beyond your capacity to deal with right now.

    I'm sure that you will be able to work with them to come up with another plan that can ease your stress during the holidays instead of adding to it.

    You need to take care of yourself or there will be no energy left in you to take care of the ones you love. It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself first. The best thing you can give them is a happy, healthy Pat, and you can't do that if you allow yourself to be worn out physically and mentally.

    Hugzzz,
    Cindy
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    #5
    padee6339 said:

    I forgot........
    I love each and every one of these people dearly, even the little dog, but I wish my brother had not invited his daughter at this time. I would have rather waited until the spring or summer when we can all sit outside instead of cramping into my living room.
    Me again

    Padee, the advice given by
    Padee, the advice given by Stef is right on. I agree 100% with all her suggestions. Take charge and take care of you and your mom.
  • always
    always Member Posts: 256
    #6
    cindycflynn said:

    Pat
    Stef has given you some very good advice, I think.

    It sounds like you are a very giving person, and because you do love your family you don't want to hurt them by refusing their company. But you just need to explain to them that although you LOVE them and would love to have their company, the type of visit they're planning is just beyond your capacity to deal with right now.

    I'm sure that you will be able to work with them to come up with another plan that can ease your stress during the holidays instead of adding to it.

    You need to take care of yourself or there will be no energy left in you to take care of the ones you love. It is NOT selfish to take care of yourself first. The best thing you can give them is a happy, healthy Pat, and you can't do that if you allow yourself to be worn out physically and mentally.

    Hugzzz,
    Cindy

    I agree also
    I am with Stef, Natly and Cindy on this one. It is too much from what you are saying. You can let them know how much you love them and would love to spend some time with them, but this just doesn't work for you right now. I know it is hard. But you have to take care of your mother and you. My prayers are with you while you work through this.

    Becky
  • e_hope
    e_hope Member Posts: 370
    #7
    I agree take charge
    What we all learn real quick though this process for cancer... Is to speak up for ourselves!!!! You need to let everyone know that you just can't do this now. People seem to forget what your going through because they are not living it.

    Stand tall and you don't need the added stress on top the major stresser of CANCER...

    good luck..
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    #8
    I agree
    You need to let them know how much extra whatever (work, stress, financial strain, worry) it will cause you to have them all there in your small house. One thing that struck me while reading your post is that you will be at work while they are all there doing.....what? - nothing? That's not fair. Personally, I would hate to have to be at work while I had other people at my house. The point of them coming is so that you can spend time with them. Maybe they could come over (in smaller groups) before the spring and then you can have them all over together when they can be outside.

    Good luck and I pray that things work out so your stress (and tears) can be reduced.
  • tgf
    tgf Member Posts: 950 Member
    #9
    Wolfi said:

    I agree
    You need to let them know how much extra whatever (work, stress, financial strain, worry) it will cause you to have them all there in your small house. One thing that struck me while reading your post is that you will be at work while they are all there doing.....what? - nothing? That's not fair. Personally, I would hate to have to be at work while I had other people at my house. The point of them coming is so that you can spend time with them. Maybe they could come over (in smaller groups) before the spring and then you can have them all over together when they can be outside.

    Good luck and I pray that things work out so your stress (and tears) can be reduced.

    I agree!!!
    I agree with what everyone else has said. I know it will be hard to tell your brother and his family "No" ... but right now you need to take care of yourself and your needs ... because no one else is. You need to focus on yourself ... and your mother. You need to be totally honest with your brother ... and if he decides to still come ... tell him it will be necessary for them to stay in a motel and if possible help out with the food expenses. You just cannot afford the extra burden ... financially or emotionally ... at this time. I know I had to go through this with my youngest sister who wanted to come visit me ... and I told her I just wasn't up to "company" now. She told me she "wouldn't be any trouble" that she'd even sleep on the couch etc. etc. I took a deep breath and told her that that was still too stressful for me right now. I just needed to stay in my own little calm routine. I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone ... but I stuck to my guns ... and I told her I was sorry ... but that's just how it was right now because the emotional/psychological part of our diagnosis is as important as the physical part. We must remain in control ... no matter how difficult the conversation may get ... you must think of yourself right now.

    Good luck ... and big hugs!

    teena
  • Sunrae
    Sunrae Member Posts: 808
    #10
    tgf said:

    I agree!!!
    I agree with what everyone else has said. I know it will be hard to tell your brother and his family "No" ... but right now you need to take care of yourself and your needs ... because no one else is. You need to focus on yourself ... and your mother. You need to be totally honest with your brother ... and if he decides to still come ... tell him it will be necessary for them to stay in a motel and if possible help out with the food expenses. You just cannot afford the extra burden ... financially or emotionally ... at this time. I know I had to go through this with my youngest sister who wanted to come visit me ... and I told her I just wasn't up to "company" now. She told me she "wouldn't be any trouble" that she'd even sleep on the couch etc. etc. I took a deep breath and told her that that was still too stressful for me right now. I just needed to stay in my own little calm routine. I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone ... but I stuck to my guns ... and I told her I was sorry ... but that's just how it was right now because the emotional/psychological part of our diagnosis is as important as the physical part. We must remain in control ... no matter how difficult the conversation may get ... you must think of yourself right now.

    Good luck ... and big hugs!

    teena

    Dear Pat
    You have a huge heart of gold but you can't handle all this stress right now. None of us can and these are the times that we need to for once put ourselves in the forefront and take care of ourselves. Others here have given you good advice and you should think of yourself first. In order for us to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually we need to keep our mind on the priority of beating bc, and don't allow added stress to come in and interrupt that process. This is one time to just say "no". Take care of yourself now and maybe you can help others later. Your family should understand this and love you anyway. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
  • sgamtd
    sgamtd Member Posts: 124
    #11
    Sunrae said:

    Dear Pat
    You have a huge heart of gold but you can't handle all this stress right now. None of us can and these are the times that we need to for once put ourselves in the forefront and take care of ourselves. Others here have given you good advice and you should think of yourself first. In order for us to heal physically, emotionally and spiritually we need to keep our mind on the priority of beating bc, and don't allow added stress to come in and interrupt that process. This is one time to just say "no". Take care of yourself now and maybe you can help others later. Your family should understand this and love you anyway. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    Padee
    Dear Pat.
    Please, Please do not let this happen. Yes we love our families, even the extended ones, but you must think of you.
    I do have an easy solution that is if you and your mom each have your own place.
    the 2 of you stay in they place that suits you two the best, you take care of you cataracts ( I had that done and it's weeks and weeks of eyedrops 4-5 times a day I think), your job, your mom etc.
    CALL your brother and tell him due to your situation with breastcancer, still working, taking care of Mom, cataract surgery etc, it is impossible for you to HOST this years family christmas party, but he and girlfriend and the rest of the gang are so welcome to come and HOST this years party. First off some cleaning up, don't know how many can sleep there and how many needs a motel, but you trust he and they can handle all that, then the decorating, shopping, baking cooking etc, just to be all together will be so great, just dont ask me or Mom to help financially or otherwise this year. Just too many things on your plate.
    Pleae do not take on this job Padee, it's too much at this time.
    Be strong and firm,
    sgamtd
  • susie09
    susie09 Member Posts: 2,930
    #12
    sgamtd said:

    Padee
    Dear Pat.
    Please, Please do not let this happen. Yes we love our families, even the extended ones, but you must think of you.
    I do have an easy solution that is if you and your mom each have your own place.
    the 2 of you stay in they place that suits you two the best, you take care of you cataracts ( I had that done and it's weeks and weeks of eyedrops 4-5 times a day I think), your job, your mom etc.
    CALL your brother and tell him due to your situation with breastcancer, still working, taking care of Mom, cataract surgery etc, it is impossible for you to HOST this years family christmas party, but he and girlfriend and the rest of the gang are so welcome to come and HOST this years party. First off some cleaning up, don't know how many can sleep there and how many needs a motel, but you trust he and they can handle all that, then the decorating, shopping, baking cooking etc, just to be all together will be so great, just dont ask me or Mom to help financially or otherwise this year. Just too many things on your plate.
    Pleae do not take on this job Padee, it's too much at this time.
    Be strong and firm,
    sgamtd

    Pat, I agree with everyone
    Pat, I agree with everyone else here. You just need to be honest with your family and tell them how you feel. Let us know.

    ♠♣ Susie ♠♣
  • Eil4186
    Eil4186 Member Posts: 949
    #13
    Oh my gosh! You need to put
    Oh my gosh! You need to put your foot down. It sounds like you are the only responsible, hard working person in the family and they are all counting on you to provide Christmas.

    It also seems like you do not have the room, extra money, or time to do this. You are dealing with cancer, other health issues and you do not need the extra stress. It is not physically possible with the space that you described for goodness sakes. That would be a NIGHTMARE.

    If I were you, I would tell them that you are sorry but you are not up to hosting the holidays this year. You should be kind to yourself and spend a quiet, relaxing holiday at home without all the chaos, and stress. Go out for a bite with a good friend and share a nice evening and a laugh. Good luck, be strong! Eil

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