Terminal Diagnosis & Giving Things Away

newbride
newbride Member Posts: 142
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
For those of you who have lost a spouse or have a spouse that has been told there is nothing more that can be done, have you had to deal with your spouse giving their possessions away?

My husband was told on October 1 that there is nothing mroe they can do for him and we have hospice in. We don't know how much time he has left.

Over the past few weeks he has started giving his things away. Now mind you, stuff like fishing equipment that I have no interest in -- fine, you want to give that away ok, so ahead. But other things --- it is really hurtful. First -- being a new wife (we were just married in May and he had surgery to remove the tumor in June and throughout the summer was in and out of the hospital for chemo/radiation) so technically we got to spend 18 days as newlyweds.

Well -- one of the t-shirts he gave away (to his son) was one of the shirts he purchased on our HONEYMOON -- did he even think maybe I would want it as a memory of that special trip?? Then I came home the other day and found that his cologne and a portrait of his daughter as an infant were gone -- he gave the cologne to his son and the photo to his ex wife because he wanted to make sure the mother of the child had it and I wouldn't through it away (HELLO and I that COLD). First the photo -- it was hanging on a wall in our bedroom - it was the first thing he put up when we started living together and I have seen her smiling face for 3 years on my wall and it became a part of MY life too!! And knowing how much it meant to him made me smile each morning when I saw it. As for the cologne I know it sounds silly but it was what got me through the weeks he was in the hospital - every morning I would smell it and think of the special times he wore it. Now that is gone as well. Maybe after he was gone maybe it would be special for me to give his daughter that photo and tell her how much it meant to her dad to see it each day, and maybe give his son the cologne and tell him all the special places he wore it and the memories I had of his dad wearing it.

It's hard enough for me to know I am losing him, but each day I feel like another piece is being taken away from me.

I discussed this with the hospice nurse right after the t-shirt incident and she spoke with both of us and explained to him that things might have a different meaning to me than they do to him and that before he gives something away he should discuss it with me. He said he understood - but evidentally didn't or doesn't care.

Has anyone else experience this need to give things away???

Comments

  • lindaprocopio
    lindaprocopio Member Posts: 1,980 Member
    #2
    I think this is his way of saying good-bye to each loved one.
    I hope I can make this easier for you to bear by giving you my own experience, as a person with cancer. In my will, I have special possessions written out that will go to each of my loved ones. If I have a recurrance, with my type of cancer, my prognosis will be very bad. And if a recurrance is diagnosed, I have already planned to give away each of those special possessions immediately to the assigned 'beneficiary'. (I will also immediately re-write my will to take those line items out.)

    I have a number of reasons for wanting to distribute my possessions well in advance of my death. One relates to inheritance taxes, as some of my possessions are valuable, especially my business. But, in addition to that, giving each item away allows me a special moment with each loved one, a chance to say good-bye and to personally prepare them for what is coming.

    It is harsh to say this, and I apologize in advance, but this just can't be about you. This is your husband's time, all he has left, and his feelings must override yours. I know, I sound mean and horrible and I'm sorry. But this is his time and you must let him get through it however he can. Try not to let his decisions hurt you. He is looking back on his life now, in a reflection that is unique to the end of life. The people in his past, the days before you came into his life, all are meaningful and real and important to him now in this time of reflection. It doesn't mean you aren't important to him. It just means that all of the people in his life that he has loved are also important to him and he needs to express that to each one of them with these small gestures. I think you should let him.

    In the end, none of his stuff will matter to you, or any of these decisions he is making, unless you allow yourself to obsess over this. ((((Big big hugs))))) to you for the pain you are experiencing. I see how my husband suffers as a witness to my cancer, and I recognize his pain as far greater than my own, for I have come to terms with the various outcome scenarios and am at peace. Try to find that peace within yourself. But please, let this be about what HE wants. You have the rest of your life to prevail in what you want. But this may be all he has. Try to let this pain go.
  • MichelleP
    MichelleP Member Posts: 254
    #3
    lindaprocopio said:

    I think this is his way of saying good-bye to each loved one.
    I hope I can make this easier for you to bear by giving you my own experience, as a person with cancer. In my will, I have special possessions written out that will go to each of my loved ones. If I have a recurrance, with my type of cancer, my prognosis will be very bad. And if a recurrance is diagnosed, I have already planned to give away each of those special possessions immediately to the assigned 'beneficiary'. (I will also immediately re-write my will to take those line items out.)

    I have a number of reasons for wanting to distribute my possessions well in advance of my death. One relates to inheritance taxes, as some of my possessions are valuable, especially my business. But, in addition to that, giving each item away allows me a special moment with each loved one, a chance to say good-bye and to personally prepare them for what is coming.

    It is harsh to say this, and I apologize in advance, but this just can't be about you. This is your husband's time, all he has left, and his feelings must override yours. I know, I sound mean and horrible and I'm sorry. But this is his time and you must let him get through it however he can. Try not to let his decisions hurt you. He is looking back on his life now, in a reflection that is unique to the end of life. The people in his past, the days before you came into his life, all are meaningful and real and important to him now in this time of reflection. It doesn't mean you aren't important to him. It just means that all of the people in his life that he has loved are also important to him and he needs to express that to each one of them with these small gestures. I think you should let him.

    In the end, none of his stuff will matter to you, or any of these decisions he is making, unless you allow yourself to obsess over this. ((((Big big hugs))))) to you for the pain you are experiencing. I see how my husband suffers as a witness to my cancer, and I recognize his pain as far greater than my own, for I have come to terms with the various outcome scenarios and am at peace. Try to find that peace within yourself. But please, let this be about what HE wants. You have the rest of your life to prevail in what you want. But this may be all he has. Try to let this pain go.

    I agree with everything
    I agree with everything Linda has said. There will be many things left for you to remember him by.....especially the memories. That's not something that anyone else can have. It's the memories that count so much more than material objects.

    (((HUGS)))
  • newbride
    newbride Member Posts: 142
    #4
    MichelleP said:

    I agree with everything
    I agree with everything Linda has said. There will be many things left for you to remember him by.....especially the memories. That's not something that anyone else can have. It's the memories that count so much more than material objects.

    (((HUGS)))

    I understand
    I do understand what both of you are saying. But....as Linda pointed out the things she is giving away are also in her will and therefore I am sure her husband is aware of WHAT she is giving away. My issue is with the fact that the things he is giving away are things that represent OUR life together (the short time that it has been) and not things from BEFORE I met him. Also these are things that are in the home WE built together and each day I come home without any warning to fidn things gone -- things that I had bought him. Also, it's not like he is taking the time with each person to say good bye -- he will give things to his EX WIFE to give to his kids -- it's not that he is giving them directly -- this is what bothers me.

    Also it's not all about me -- but this is also still MY home -- and it hurts to come home and find photos removed from the wall and GONE without any warning! It's bad enough losing my husband but losing things without warning is not fair to me either. Even his nurse told him what he is doing is NOT right -- this is OUR home -- not just his and he needs to discuss things with me before taking things that WE own together and giving them away. That is what hurts.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #5
    Gifts
    I actually encouraged my husband to give things away. However, they were his things, things he had collected. I did make my wishes known concerning certain things I wanted to keep. You're right, it's not just about him. You are in this together. Keep in mind, though, they are just things. I am now in the process of figuring out what to do with the things he didn't dispose of. That's hard, too. I suspect that what your husband is doing may be a need for some control over his life and death. There is so much he can't control about his life right now. He may also feel that he is making memories for the future, securing his legacy. I don't have an ex to deal with and can only imagine how that muddies the waters. Try talking to your husband again about your feelings. Ask him if there are other things he wants to give away and why. Maybe there is some kind of compromise you can reach. Fay
  • newbride
    newbride Member Posts: 142
    #6
    grandmafay said:

    Gifts
    I actually encouraged my husband to give things away. However, they were his things, things he had collected. I did make my wishes known concerning certain things I wanted to keep. You're right, it's not just about him. You are in this together. Keep in mind, though, they are just things. I am now in the process of figuring out what to do with the things he didn't dispose of. That's hard, too. I suspect that what your husband is doing may be a need for some control over his life and death. There is so much he can't control about his life right now. He may also feel that he is making memories for the future, securing his legacy. I don't have an ex to deal with and can only imagine how that muddies the waters. Try talking to your husband again about your feelings. Ask him if there are other things he wants to give away and why. Maybe there is some kind of compromise you can reach. Fay

    You are so right
    Fay you are right on point here. The items are just things. What I hold most is him in my heart. And yes I would like to see him give things he has collected over the years away, but we need to do it together and discuss who he is giving things to and why and let me -- his wife -- have a say if there is soemthing that is special to me. It's hard enough being a new wife...but it's even harder when you will become a widow before your first wedding anniversary and things that may not seem important to him -- like a tshirt he bought on our honeymoon as still new and important memories to me. That is all I ask for is to respect our new bond as husband and wife. I know he is trying to make this easier on me, but nothing no one can say or do can make it easier. Our life together was suppose to be starting not ending, so when I come home from work and find something missing from my home without my previous knowledge it feels like something was taken from me. I know he's not trying to hurt me intentionally, and he probably isnt thinking straight but it just hurts so much.
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #7
    newbride said:

    You are so right
    Fay you are right on point here. The items are just things. What I hold most is him in my heart. And yes I would like to see him give things he has collected over the years away, but we need to do it together and discuss who he is giving things to and why and let me -- his wife -- have a say if there is soemthing that is special to me. It's hard enough being a new wife...but it's even harder when you will become a widow before your first wedding anniversary and things that may not seem important to him -- like a tshirt he bought on our honeymoon as still new and important memories to me. That is all I ask for is to respect our new bond as husband and wife. I know he is trying to make this easier on me, but nothing no one can say or do can make it easier. Our life together was suppose to be starting not ending, so when I come home from work and find something missing from my home without my previous knowledge it feels like something was taken from me. I know he's not trying to hurt me intentionally, and he probably isnt thinking straight but it just hurts so much.

    NB, I can't help but smile a little because these misunderstandings are the kind of thing I've been living with for the 3 years I've been with my new guy. We're both in our 50's so we have our ways, and it takes a long time to learn and accept the little things. If it weren't for the horrible situation you're in, you guys would be laughing about this by now. As it is, you might want to be proactive and pack away a few things you want that he would never think of. Then maybe it will be easier to go with the flow rather than resisting, which is probably futile. My patient (mother) often does things that seem kind of crazy, but I just kind of go along as long as it's causing no harm.

    What you're doing is important, so don't think for a minute that you're not loved or that you don't matter. Guys are just kind of slow on the draw when it comes to sensitivity sometimes. Hope you find a way to get on board with your beloved's goodbye gifts.
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #8
    newbride said:

    You are so right
    Fay you are right on point here. The items are just things. What I hold most is him in my heart. And yes I would like to see him give things he has collected over the years away, but we need to do it together and discuss who he is giving things to and why and let me -- his wife -- have a say if there is soemthing that is special to me. It's hard enough being a new wife...but it's even harder when you will become a widow before your first wedding anniversary and things that may not seem important to him -- like a tshirt he bought on our honeymoon as still new and important memories to me. That is all I ask for is to respect our new bond as husband and wife. I know he is trying to make this easier on me, but nothing no one can say or do can make it easier. Our life together was suppose to be starting not ending, so when I come home from work and find something missing from my home without my previous knowledge it feels like something was taken from me. I know he's not trying to hurt me intentionally, and he probably isnt thinking straight but it just hurts so much.

    Items
    If I am reading your posts correctly, his ex-wife was at your home while you were at work and you come home to find things missing.. She has no right to be there without your knowledge and it might be time to tell her so. If she wants things for her children, well, at this point, that is just sick. I don't know the woman and maybe all is innocent but, you are very upset about this and no one has the right to remove anything from your home for any reason while your husband is sick without your knowledge and persmission. Is his ex-wife and children going through your very personal possessions and personal paperwork? With every ounce of kindness you possess let everyone know that this is a distressing time for you and they are adding to it and if there is anything they need to know, or your possessions they want, to please come to you and no one else. Remember, she is an "ex" for a reason.
  • pattynonews
    pattynonews Member Posts: 176
    #9
    It is hrard
    Hey Girl, as you know Jack passed away on November 4th and a couple weeks before he tell me center things he wanted his sister, and we had to comprosie on hi drums he wanted his drums to go to me and his dad got really upset so we decided that the drums will stay with his dad till he pass then I will get them, But Jack also sat down an made a will , and I took it upon myself to give certain people drum sticks Jack did not have alot his ex wife made sure of that, and alot of his stuff was already packed in the warehouse, He might be going through an angry stage , Jack did that when he went on hospice, I thought we would have a longer time with Jack but is Oct they sent us home with no hope, and it was matter of weeks, and the last week was hard,even with hospice we did not get much sleep because the night hospice nurses would fall asleep, I miss Jack so much, but I know the last week he suffered, even 2 days before he passed we had to rush him to the ER because he swollen up so bad and he bit his tongue and the hospice nurse did not know what to do, and when you take him to the hospital they take him off hopsice and he was a DNR and a nurse did not think I heard it and she said what do they want us to do with him and all night poor Jack had to lie in the ER only given pain meds did not help me at all the tumor was draining so bad he had fluids coming out of his nose, mouth and trachea and he sat there for 24 hours and not one nurse offer to help me I did it, How terrible and the doctor pushes his tongue in and the parmedic pick him up and he passed the next day, I was so upset with the hospice care at night and the hosital care,Wow I went off th subject

    Try talking to him tell him what things mean to you, I had to stash certain stuff so the family would not fight we even had to agree to pay his wife( i never got to file the divorce papers ) 500 to release his body not that she had any money to cover his arrangements

    Hang in I would love to tell you it gets easier but it doesnt my prayers are with you
  • newbride
    newbride Member Posts: 142
    #10
    pattynonews said:

    It is hrard
    Hey Girl, as you know Jack passed away on November 4th and a couple weeks before he tell me center things he wanted his sister, and we had to comprosie on hi drums he wanted his drums to go to me and his dad got really upset so we decided that the drums will stay with his dad till he pass then I will get them, But Jack also sat down an made a will , and I took it upon myself to give certain people drum sticks Jack did not have alot his ex wife made sure of that, and alot of his stuff was already packed in the warehouse, He might be going through an angry stage , Jack did that when he went on hospice, I thought we would have a longer time with Jack but is Oct they sent us home with no hope, and it was matter of weeks, and the last week was hard,even with hospice we did not get much sleep because the night hospice nurses would fall asleep, I miss Jack so much, but I know the last week he suffered, even 2 days before he passed we had to rush him to the ER because he swollen up so bad and he bit his tongue and the hospice nurse did not know what to do, and when you take him to the hospital they take him off hopsice and he was a DNR and a nurse did not think I heard it and she said what do they want us to do with him and all night poor Jack had to lie in the ER only given pain meds did not help me at all the tumor was draining so bad he had fluids coming out of his nose, mouth and trachea and he sat there for 24 hours and not one nurse offer to help me I did it, How terrible and the doctor pushes his tongue in and the parmedic pick him up and he passed the next day, I was so upset with the hospice care at night and the hosital care,Wow I went off th subject

    Try talking to him tell him what things mean to you, I had to stash certain stuff so the family would not fight we even had to agree to pay his wife( i never got to file the divorce papers ) 500 to release his body not that she had any money to cover his arrangements

    Hang in I would love to tell you it gets easier but it doesnt my prayers are with you

    Patty
    I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel your hurt and know I will be joining that exclusive club soon as well. What type of cancer did Jack have? I know you had mentioned it before but my mind is not as good as it use to be (I wonder why). Yeah ex wives are a bundle of fun now arent' they -- well at least mine DID file the divorce papers so ha ha to her she has NO say!! In fact she tried to find out where I was planning on having the funeral home arrangements made -- my answer was that unless someone is sending me a big fat check to help contribute to the expenses the question is WAY OUT OF BOUNDS!!!
  • 1Day@ATime
    1Day@ATime Member Posts: 2
    #11
    newbride said:

    Patty
    I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel your hurt and know I will be joining that exclusive club soon as well. What type of cancer did Jack have? I know you had mentioned it before but my mind is not as good as it use to be (I wonder why). Yeah ex wives are a bundle of fun now arent' they -- well at least mine DID file the divorce papers so ha ha to her she has NO say!! In fact she tried to find out where I was planning on having the funeral home arrangements made -- my answer was that unless someone is sending me a big fat check to help contribute to the expenses the question is WAY OUT OF BOUNDS!!!

    Please just remember the
    Please just remember the most important thing here is the time he has left....dont get caught up in the nonsense because when he does pass you will be sorry that you wasted energy on that instead of putting that time and energy into him....I wish you the best of luck!!

    HUGS!
  • pattynonews
    pattynonews Member Posts: 176
    #12
    newbride said:

    Patty
    I am so sorry for your loss. I can feel your hurt and know I will be joining that exclusive club soon as well. What type of cancer did Jack have? I know you had mentioned it before but my mind is not as good as it use to be (I wonder why). Yeah ex wives are a bundle of fun now arent' they -- well at least mine DID file the divorce papers so ha ha to her she has NO say!! In fact she tried to find out where I was planning on having the funeral home arrangements made -- my answer was that unless someone is sending me a big fat check to help contribute to the expenses the question is WAY OUT OF BOUNDS!!!

    how are you newbride
    How are you doing I have been thinking about you, we have the same story just met our love ones and now this, I hope everything is going ok, I just have not heard from you, and just wanted to make sure you are ok, and how is your husband, Im dealing the best I can, i have my good days and I have my days that really suck but I have to keep moving,

    here is my personal email if you need to talk
    pattynonews@aol.com

    my prayeres are with you
  • newbride
    newbride Member Posts: 142
    #13
    1Day@ATime said:

    Please just remember the
    Please just remember the most important thing here is the time he has left....dont get caught up in the nonsense because when he does pass you will be sorry that you wasted energy on that instead of putting that time and energy into him....I wish you the best of luck!!

    HUGS!

    You are so right
    Yes I knwo I need to get over the little things and I have been, trying harder to remember the good times and keep remembering that of all the tangible things they are just that -- things but he gave me the biggest gift he ever could have -- his name and no one can take that from me!
  • newbride
    newbride Member Posts: 142
    #14
    pattynonews said:

    how are you newbride
    How are you doing I have been thinking about you, we have the same story just met our love ones and now this, I hope everything is going ok, I just have not heard from you, and just wanted to make sure you are ok, and how is your husband, Im dealing the best I can, i have my good days and I have my days that really suck but I have to keep moving,

    here is my personal email if you need to talk
    pattynonews@aol.com

    my prayeres are with you

    Hi Patty
    Thanks for thinking of me....the past few days have been hard as he was very off schedule - sleeping days and up at night which was driving me insane because I was still working and need my sleep. The other day he told me he was worried about me because I wasn't getting enough sleep!! He asked the nurse to give him soemthing to let him sleep though the night so that I can sleep better too. Wow...for weeks I felt like he was pushing me away and now he is pulling me closer again. What a feeling. We still have no clue how much longer he will be here but he did tell me he is ready to go already. He asked em if I was ok with that too. I told him I will be ok and I know he will be in a better place for him. He actually hugged me too!! It felt so good. I'm going to put your email in my personal address book now before I forget because sometimes I don't log into the site. Glad to hear that you are having some "better days".
  • pattynonews
    pattynonews Member Posts: 176
    #15
    newbride said:

    Hi Patty
    Thanks for thinking of me....the past few days have been hard as he was very off schedule - sleeping days and up at night which was driving me insane because I was still working and need my sleep. The other day he told me he was worried about me because I wasn't getting enough sleep!! He asked the nurse to give him soemthing to let him sleep though the night so that I can sleep better too. Wow...for weeks I felt like he was pushing me away and now he is pulling me closer again. What a feeling. We still have no clue how much longer he will be here but he did tell me he is ready to go already. He asked em if I was ok with that too. I told him I will be ok and I know he will be in a better place for him. He actually hugged me too!! It felt so good. I'm going to put your email in my personal address book now before I forget because sometimes I don't log into the site. Glad to hear that you are having some "better days".

    new bride
    He is ready to go home he now know you are ok he will go in peace, Once Jack realize I was going to be ok he went home ( im not saying your husband is leaving now ) but it sounds just like Jack, He was probaly pushing you away becasue he was angry , Jack did that to, but he apology the next day, I can't prepare you for how you are going to feel when he does go home, it is going to be hard as hell, but you have to be strong, and I have to deal with feeling of angry, sadness and love and missing Jack every day, but Im learning how to deal with, it, I blog alot on my space, I can put my real feelings there, and I have blog from the day Jack and I found out he had cancer till today and I actually have all the blogs in a book now, it something special to me I can see what all Jack and I have been through and how it has made our love stronger, if you have a myspace page, email me and I will give you how to get to the page,

    There is alot of good books to read there is a really good one called Hello from Heaven, and I have been reading alot

    email and I can give you the title of the books

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