Mom looks defeated..what to say??

Lisa13Q
Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
edited March 2014 in Ovarian Cancer #1
Objectively, she has been doing great under the circumstances. She can't gain weight, no that is what I am doing eating all the high calorie foods I purchase for her. Today she woke up wit a ciatica?? back pain and she is just acting like a bit of a powerless person...Now I don't know if it has anything to do with my leaving tomorrow for MN. But I have to get back...Anyway, what do you say to someone who is feeling really sorry for themselves at the moment. (understandably so, by the way. I don't begrudge her that) but...her frame of mind is especially important in this fight and I am worried about hers. She won't take an anti-depressant,,,she is not walking as much as she should....

Comments

  • sweetp1950
    sweetp1950 Member Posts: 24
    #2
    She will be OK
    Hi Lisa,
    First of all, you mother is going to go through times like this, and it will pass, she is probably just so used to having you there to fight with her. I think thats part of it. Just re-assure her the best way you can, words are so powerful when someone is feeling down, I know, my husband has to lecture me sometimes (in a nice way). Pray for Gods wisdom and guidance, He will give it to you. It would help if she would post herself, she could get support that way. I will be praying that she gets through this low time in her life. I know how she feels about anti-depressants, I started taking them and quit, as I believe they were making me feel worse, but they are there to do the job when needed. Have a safe trip home.

    Sheila
  • BrittanyC
    BrittanyC Member Posts: 100
    #3
    sweetp1950 said:

    She will be OK
    Hi Lisa,
    First of all, you mother is going to go through times like this, and it will pass, she is probably just so used to having you there to fight with her. I think thats part of it. Just re-assure her the best way you can, words are so powerful when someone is feeling down, I know, my husband has to lecture me sometimes (in a nice way). Pray for Gods wisdom and guidance, He will give it to you. It would help if she would post herself, she could get support that way. I will be praying that she gets through this low time in her life. I know how she feels about anti-depressants, I started taking them and quit, as I believe they were making me feel worse, but they are there to do the job when needed. Have a safe trip home.

    Sheila

    my mom does not like pills,
    my mom does not like pills, but i will tell her,"the pills will help you, that is why the pills are here."

    i feel helpless at times with my mom and i don't know what to do. but i've learned that there are good days and bad days.

    my mom had to go back into the ER at uw medical center. her belly began to get bloated again. she just got out from being in the hospital on friday. there was no ng tube put down her nose, but she began to get bloated again today.

    talking is very powerful :)
  • BonnieR
    BonnieR Member Posts: 1,526 Member
    #4
    Prayers ...lots of prayers
    Hi Lisa, I am sorry you mom is having a such a hard time, in the beginning when I had problems with the wieght loss I drank one of the ensure type drinks, but it was actually one of the cheaper ones and tasted way better. Also some people make a shake out of them with icecream. Just a couple ideas.

    I can only imagine how much she'll miss you and the stress she is feeling, but you do have to take care of you too. Is their a Pastor you can have call and check on her or friends or someone she is very close too. Maybe there is a group of other survivors in your area that whe could connect up with. I have women referred to me all the time, that gives them someone to talk that can listen that understands.

    Just throwing out a few ideas. Whare in MN are you from, I live in Central Mn myself. If you live in the metro area there is a group of women who meet whose mom's have had or have ovarian cancer or at least there use to be.

    Sending lots of hugs ♥ Prayers for you both. Bonnie
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #5
    taking care of two
    Lisa,
    My mom is at about the same stage as yours, so I know how hard it is to leave. However, the home team (sibs, friends, neighbors) tell me that each time I go, mom kind of pops back up after a day or two. Meanwhile, I think our moms are entitled to some sadness. Around here it has been a very long battle.

    On a practical note, I've found that midweek plane tickets, especially Wednesday, are easy to get at a reasonable price at the last minute.

    Good luck, because taking care of two isn't easy.
    B
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #6
    sweetp1950 said:

    She will be OK
    Hi Lisa,
    First of all, you mother is going to go through times like this, and it will pass, she is probably just so used to having you there to fight with her. I think thats part of it. Just re-assure her the best way you can, words are so powerful when someone is feeling down, I know, my husband has to lecture me sometimes (in a nice way). Pray for Gods wisdom and guidance, He will give it to you. It would help if she would post herself, she could get support that way. I will be praying that she gets through this low time in her life. I know how she feels about anti-depressants, I started taking them and quit, as I believe they were making me feel worse, but they are there to do the job when needed. Have a safe trip home.

    Sheila

    Thanks Sheila
    Thanks Sheila, it's good to hear she is going to be ok. And also that you have done well without anti-depressants. It is interesting, when I left this am, she popped up and got dressed (although she looks emaciated). I begged her to eat and lo and behold she called from her favorite diner today and had 1/2 chocolate milkshake. I think, it was hard for her to deal with my going because ultimately she can't stay alone in her apartment at this point, she is going to have to go to my sister's house. I think that must make her sad. Who wants to be dependednt at this point. Thanks for reminding me she IS going to be ok.
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #7
    BonnieR said:

    Prayers ...lots of prayers
    Hi Lisa, I am sorry you mom is having a such a hard time, in the beginning when I had problems with the wieght loss I drank one of the ensure type drinks, but it was actually one of the cheaper ones and tasted way better. Also some people make a shake out of them with icecream. Just a couple ideas.

    I can only imagine how much she'll miss you and the stress she is feeling, but you do have to take care of you too. Is their a Pastor you can have call and check on her or friends or someone she is very close too. Maybe there is a group of other survivors in your area that whe could connect up with. I have women referred to me all the time, that gives them someone to talk that can listen that understands.

    Just throwing out a few ideas. Whare in MN are you from, I live in Central Mn myself. If you live in the metro area there is a group of women who meet whose mom's have had or have ovarian cancer or at least there use to be.

    Sending lots of hugs ♥ Prayers for you both. Bonnie

    Hi Bonnie, my sister is taking over today after she took a much needed break while I was there for 10 days. What that means though, is she has to go live there as my sister has 2 kids. I think my mother was hoping she would be enough over her surgery to stay in her own apt'. That just didn't happen. I have begged her to join a support group or come on line, but she just won't. Sometimes I read her the posts to giver her persepctive and she listens but she says she not ready..whatever that means.

    I live in St. Paul. Where exactly are you? I would LOVE to find a support group of women taking care of Moms!!! I love this discussion board, and would love to see people in person as well...If you have that info, please feel free to e-mail me at jack@augsburg.edu

    Thanks, Lisa
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #8
    BrittanyC said:

    my mom does not like pills,
    my mom does not like pills, but i will tell her,"the pills will help you, that is why the pills are here."

    i feel helpless at times with my mom and i don't know what to do. but i've learned that there are good days and bad days.

    my mom had to go back into the ER at uw medical center. her belly began to get bloated again. she just got out from being in the hospital on friday. there was no ng tube put down her nose, but she began to get bloated again today.

    talking is very powerful :)

    HI Brittany
    Sorry to hear about your Mom...it's hard isn't it? Thank God for the strong women on this board!! Thank God for them!!
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #9
    Barbara53 said:

    taking care of two
    Lisa,
    My mom is at about the same stage as yours, so I know how hard it is to leave. However, the home team (sibs, friends, neighbors) tell me that each time I go, mom kind of pops back up after a day or two. Meanwhile, I think our moms are entitled to some sadness. Around here it has been a very long battle.

    On a practical note, I've found that midweek plane tickets, especially Wednesday, are easy to get at a reasonable price at the last minute.

    Good luck, because taking care of two isn't easy.
    B

    HI Barbra
    Yes, taking care of two..Also, she did seem to have more pep today. I think it must be hard for them to see us go...I use Sun Country to get to NY. I can get one way tickets so don't have to worry about return trip change fees....and they are less expensive than most!!
  • BonnieR
    BonnieR Member Posts: 1,526 Member
    #10
    Lisa13Q said:

    Hi Bonnie, my sister is taking over today after she took a much needed break while I was there for 10 days. What that means though, is she has to go live there as my sister has 2 kids. I think my mother was hoping she would be enough over her surgery to stay in her own apt'. That just didn't happen. I have begged her to join a support group or come on line, but she just won't. Sometimes I read her the posts to giver her persepctive and she listens but she says she not ready..whatever that means.

    I live in St. Paul. Where exactly are you? I would LOVE to find a support group of women taking care of Moms!!! I love this discussion board, and would love to see people in person as well...If you have that info, please feel free to e-mail me at jack@augsburg.edu

    Thanks, Lisa

    MOCA
    here is the phone number to check on the group, (612) 822-0500 it is too the MOCA office in south Mpls, also there are other groups in metro that are caregiver groups and not ovarian cancer specific. Hugs and prayers for a safe flight home. God Bless Bonnie
  • saundra
    saundra Member Posts: 1,370 Member
    #11
    Journal
    See if you can get your mom to journal daily to write down what is going on, treatment info, daily Bible verse, etc. Include in the journal at least three things to be grateful for so that some of the focus will be postitive. Writing stuff down helps me. When you get right down to the nitty gritty, no one can do it all for your Mother. At some point she will kick in the will to live and fight and be more positive, or not. We are all different in how we react to this disease.

    You are doing such a great job, Lisa, and I salute you for it.

    ((hugs and prayers))
    Saundra

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