Is this giving up?

newbride
newbride Member Posts: 142
edited March 2014 in Head and Neck Cancer #1
So now we have a new argument. The past 2 days I have come home from work and have (like always) did the run down -- did you take your meds, is there anything you need, how do you feel, how many cans of jevity did you in take.

Well the past 2 days he has only had 4 cans of Jevity. He is suppose to have 8 usually he gets in at least 6. When I told him on Wed he has to get in more he rolled his eyes at me. Yesterday he responded with "So are we going to go through this every day? Do YOU eat when you're not hungry?" So I just told him I was not the one who needed to put on weight and get my strength up.

I agree with others that it is probably a state of depression but how do you get someone to acknowledge that? Obviously I can't tell the doctors to put him on antidepressants without his knowledge and when I mention it to him he denies it.

I think not getting in enough nutrition is a sign of giving up as we know the calories are what he needs most - the strength to fight

Comments

  • Dazey
    Dazey Member Posts: 91
    #2
    today
    this is difficult for all of you, Talk to the doctor about what you are seeing. We have very little control over most things when cancer is a family member. It is almost like being the single parent of two - the patient and the cancer.
    Take care of yourself also - the caregiver sometimes puts self at the end of the "to do" list. It is up to you to take care of yourself. I can definitely relate to this and know how frustrating and scary it is to be the caregiver.
    Please know there is support out there for you and talk to the doctor. Dazey
  • carolinagirl67
    carolinagirl67 Member Posts: 153
    #3
    Giving up
    Hey Newbride,

    I don't think it's a sign of giving up. My husband is too finished with treatment and on a PEG and he is not getting in enough calories either. I think he should "do" more cans too, but he isn't and I just don't argue. I ask "are you hungry" and sometimes he says yes and sometimes he says no. I try to encourage by saying you might feel better if you eat more. But in the end it is up to him. Yesterday all he had was two ensure and some soup. I know that is not enough. If your husband only does four cans out of eight, just tell him to try to do better tomorrow. It is tough being a caregiver and a wife because you want to encourage without sounding like a nag. Maybe just try one day of not asking any questions about meds or anything and see if he comes around. Hope things turn around. Donna
  • Hondo
    Hondo Member Posts: 6,636 Member
    #4
    newbride


    Don’t worry about how much he eats, what is most Importance is that you are there to support him, getting mad or angry will only send him deeper into depression. I like the advice carolinagirl67 gives, encourage him to try and do better tomorrow. I went from 230lbs to 167lbs, some days I ate very little because it hurt so badly and all my wife could do was to pray, I made it through, I am now 185lbs and doing very good.

    Support and encourage the two most importance things you can do to help him right now, he will get fatter again when the treatment stops. God bless
  • newbride
    newbride Member Posts: 142
    #5
    Hondo said:

    newbride


    Don’t worry about how much he eats, what is most Importance is that you are there to support him, getting mad or angry will only send him deeper into depression. I like the advice carolinagirl67 gives, encourage him to try and do better tomorrow. I went from 230lbs to 167lbs, some days I ate very little because it hurt so badly and all my wife could do was to pray, I made it through, I am now 185lbs and doing very good.

    Support and encourage the two most importance things you can do to help him right now, he will get fatter again when the treatment stops. God bless

    Thank You
    Thank you everyone for your support I really appreciate and you guys really do make me feel better.

    There is just so much to deal with especially emotionally.

    Its hard enough seeing him not getting enough food in and I try so hard to understand and all along I haven't made an issue out of things. Things that bother me I look the other way and turn my head and just go on.

    The other day I was upset because he was talking about where he wants to be laid out, obituaries, etc. I let it go.

    But, today I totally lost it. I felt bad, but at least the screaming got him talking. Let me back up a bit so you understand - he is divorced and has 2 children (16 and 17). Obviously he had life insurance because of the kids. We didnt' have a separate policy that would provide me with anything if something should happen since we hadn't gotten married, etc and only got married 4 months ago. So, he talked with his ex about amending the divorce to lower the amount of insurance he had to carry so that there would be insurance money for me to cover his funeral and outstanding medical bills. She agree to a "nominal" amount.

    So, now get this....so I come home today and find on my kitchen counter FUNERAL plans -- not just the what I want, where I want stuff that I thought he was putting together but pricing as well -- the pricing was in his EX WIFE'S handwriting!!! HELLO....am I the only one who see soemthing wrong in this picture!?!?!?

    SO I get upset and start in on him about how on earth he can make decisions and plans like this with his EX wife and not include his WIFE! His explanation is that I will not accept this and that I keep saying he will get better and since I won't accept this and deal with it that he called her and asked her to take care of it all.

    Ok -- fine.....but did someone ever think to inform ME? Like maybe he could have said "you have a lot on your mind and I know you don't want to discuss my dying, so I asked EX Wife to make some phone calls for me" or maybe she should have sent me an email or soemthing and said "Look, I don't know if he told you or not but he asked me to make these phone calls for him and I just thougt you shoudl know"

    Am I totally invisible???? Did it ever cross her mind or his? So of course he turns it around to make it look like it's my fault because I'm not facing facts, etc. Then explains how much pain he is in, etc and how he has to do everything himself because he's home all day alone -- oh yeah it's my fault he's not getting enough food in because I;m at work at his eyes are blurry and he can't see to put the food into the syringe. Ok - well THAT doesn't float with me because then he should say something and we will work together as husband and wife to figure soemthing out -- if I have to I'll help, if I have to go itno work late fine, I can come home lunch time, help when I get home -- oh yeah maybe instead of using the syringe how about the IV pole and bag???? When I said that he was like "Oh I didn't think of that" Well that's why you need to tell me what is going on so we can come up with solutions!!!!!

    And he todl me that I need to start living my life how I did before I met him!!!

    I have been sending his doctors emails to let them know what is going on.

    Thanks everyone for listening.
  • SmithMama2
    SmithMama2 Member Posts: 48
    #6
    newbride said:

    Thank You
    Thank you everyone for your support I really appreciate and you guys really do make me feel better.

    There is just so much to deal with especially emotionally.

    Its hard enough seeing him not getting enough food in and I try so hard to understand and all along I haven't made an issue out of things. Things that bother me I look the other way and turn my head and just go on.

    The other day I was upset because he was talking about where he wants to be laid out, obituaries, etc. I let it go.

    But, today I totally lost it. I felt bad, but at least the screaming got him talking. Let me back up a bit so you understand - he is divorced and has 2 children (16 and 17). Obviously he had life insurance because of the kids. We didnt' have a separate policy that would provide me with anything if something should happen since we hadn't gotten married, etc and only got married 4 months ago. So, he talked with his ex about amending the divorce to lower the amount of insurance he had to carry so that there would be insurance money for me to cover his funeral and outstanding medical bills. She agree to a "nominal" amount.

    So, now get this....so I come home today and find on my kitchen counter FUNERAL plans -- not just the what I want, where I want stuff that I thought he was putting together but pricing as well -- the pricing was in his EX WIFE'S handwriting!!! HELLO....am I the only one who see soemthing wrong in this picture!?!?!?

    SO I get upset and start in on him about how on earth he can make decisions and plans like this with his EX wife and not include his WIFE! His explanation is that I will not accept this and that I keep saying he will get better and since I won't accept this and deal with it that he called her and asked her to take care of it all.

    Ok -- fine.....but did someone ever think to inform ME? Like maybe he could have said "you have a lot on your mind and I know you don't want to discuss my dying, so I asked EX Wife to make some phone calls for me" or maybe she should have sent me an email or soemthing and said "Look, I don't know if he told you or not but he asked me to make these phone calls for him and I just thougt you shoudl know"

    Am I totally invisible???? Did it ever cross her mind or his? So of course he turns it around to make it look like it's my fault because I'm not facing facts, etc. Then explains how much pain he is in, etc and how he has to do everything himself because he's home all day alone -- oh yeah it's my fault he's not getting enough food in because I;m at work at his eyes are blurry and he can't see to put the food into the syringe. Ok - well THAT doesn't float with me because then he should say something and we will work together as husband and wife to figure soemthing out -- if I have to I'll help, if I have to go itno work late fine, I can come home lunch time, help when I get home -- oh yeah maybe instead of using the syringe how about the IV pole and bag???? When I said that he was like "Oh I didn't think of that" Well that's why you need to tell me what is going on so we can come up with solutions!!!!!

    And he todl me that I need to start living my life how I did before I met him!!!

    I have been sending his doctors emails to let them know what is going on.

    Thanks everyone for listening.

    still in the ditch?
    Dear New Bride,

    It has been a few weeks since your post. How are things going for your husband now? Has he passed any hurdles that help him to feel a little better yet? My husband is in a ditch now too, not as deep as what your husband is facing, but challenging none-the-less. My heart goes out to you as you deal with so much hurt in your newly married life. Hopefully his docs have listened and have done something to help this situation change.

    Just wanted you to know that someone is listening.
    Prayers for you and your husband!
    Karen
  • newbride
    newbride Member Posts: 142
    #7
    SmithMama2 said:

    still in the ditch?
    Dear New Bride,

    It has been a few weeks since your post. How are things going for your husband now? Has he passed any hurdles that help him to feel a little better yet? My husband is in a ditch now too, not as deep as what your husband is facing, but challenging none-the-less. My heart goes out to you as you deal with so much hurt in your newly married life. Hopefully his docs have listened and have done something to help this situation change.

    Just wanted you to know that someone is listening.
    Prayers for you and your husband!
    Karen

    Thank you SmithMama
    Well, things here have certainly changed since I posted. He has been given a terminal diagnosis but surprisingly in spite of this his spirits seem much better!! The doctors cannot tell us how much time he has except that this is a fast growing tumor and time all depends on the tumor itself.
  • SmithMama2
    SmithMama2 Member Posts: 48
    #8
    newbride said:

    Thank you SmithMama
    Well, things here have certainly changed since I posted. He has been given a terminal diagnosis but surprisingly in spite of this his spirits seem much better!! The doctors cannot tell us how much time he has except that this is a fast growing tumor and time all depends on the tumor itself.

    saying prayers for you both
    I am so sorry that his diagnosis has changed. I hope that you two can find ways to fill each and every one of your days with love and memories.

    Sending great big hugs of hope and support.
    Karen

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