My Father, my pride, my life, my everything

February 17, 2009 my father fainted and was rushed to the ER. I rushed from work, driving in horrific traffic. My body was shaking, i was in shock. I thought he had a heart attack. He was only 61 years old. When I got to the hospital he was in ICU. His hemoglobin was only 4.9. The next day he was scheduled for an endoscopy. They did a biopsy of a piece of tumor from his stomach. Report came back and determine it was CANCER. I never knew what cancer was! That day I quit my job, quit school, quit my life and devoted in caring for his. I went online read about cancer. He was scheduled for a gastrectomy, not knowing anything i did my research. Part of my research, I found out one question I was suppose to ask the doctor after surgery and that is, What stage? I just knew stage four was the last stage, patient only had 6-12 months to live. I walked my dad with my brother into the preoperation room holding his hands, telling him he's going to be okay. The minute the nurses told us to leave, I broke down. I was afraid, so afraid of losing him. Four hours passed, the doctor came out announce to the family that the operation went well. I asked him what stage, he said stage 4, my mind went blank. My older brothers and sisters didn't understand, they said what does that mean, he said my father had 6-12 months to live. The doctor felt he did a good job in prolonging my fathers life. He could have died when he first arrived, but that's not good enough for me. After recovery Dad asked how it went. He could barely talk, he had a ventilator. For months he lost his voice, all he did was write. I stayed by daddy sight everyday and night. My family slept at the hospital lobby, i slept on the chair by his side. I lost my mother when i was 9 years old, I've always treated Dad like my life. He was everything to me. He was my guide, my path in life. Laying beside me, I was afraid to accept he was going to go. Dad finally was able to walk again, he was released on hospice. Four days later he went back in to the hospital. He was still bleeding internally. His hemoglobin was 6.0. That day I rushed to try on bridal dresses, I was engaged and Dad was a big part in planning it. Doctors told me dad wasn't going to make it. But I knew dad was strong. He kept telling me he will live for his children. He will be strong. In two weeks, I booked the restaurant, ordered the cake, took wedding pictures, booked the photographer, d.j. and camerman. A wedding that takes ppl a year to plan I did in two weeks at the same time spending the night in the hospital. Dad always called for my name when he wakes up. I was his babygirl. I am the youngest of 8 children. DAd and I always done everything together. I even had a joint credit card account with him, so he can spend on things he likes. Dad finally went home, he asked me wen is the wedding. Everyday he progressed. Slowly, he was able to talk again, and then slowly walked. In five days my father conquered it all. He said he had to walk me down to my husband and he did just that. He was my hero and I really love him. I'm sorry the details are just too much and too recent. Daddy passed July 19, 2009. I miss him so much. The nurses taught me how to become his day care nurse. I did everything from Tpn, change bandage, clean him, everything from medication to taking care of his every needs. Five months my father lived. He passed right in front of me. He took his last breath, looked at me, his children one last time and shut his eyes with tears flowing down. The last thing he said to me was he was heart broken. He was really sad. He said he didn't wanna die, he told me to save his life. I'm so sorry daddy, i couldn't! I couldn't do anything. I tried, I tried so hard to take care of him. I'm so sad! Now I'm back at work. I forced myself to get out of the house because I was going crazy. But i've given up on school. The reason I went to school was so he and I would have a better life. He was depending on my education to live stable and happy. I wanted to take care of Dad, i wanted to provide everything for him. For him to just live happy, not have to work. He was lookin forward to this year wen he turns 62 and reach retirement. 18 years after mom passed, dad took care of all 8 of us. He was a great man, til the very end. Now i'm just so lost. I lost my path, I lost my life! Everynight and everymorning, and thruout the day, he's here. I have to live life in denial because i'm afraid I can't function. People see me like a normal happy person, but by myself I'm so vulnerable. I'm so sad. My heart ache so bad. I miss him so much. Dad walked my path in life, he gave me away. Dad was really my everything. I was his babygirl. Now life is just an empty road, no path to walk. Its also tough that I lost my father in law two months before i lost my father. So now I may neva say the word Dad again. I just need to let some emotion out.