MOTHER'S of young kids...

e_hope
e_hope Member Posts: 370
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I am just curious about how many mothers are here with young kids to care for...

I am 36 years old and when I was diagnosed in Feb 2009 my kids where 6,4,and 2. In some ways I think what a blessing that they are young and don't really understand the seriousness of the disease. Other days I look at how young they are and how sad it is that they were touch by this at such young ages, and the feeling all of us have.. That we might not be around for them..

No I don't think this disease is going to beat me... I PLAN ON KICKING ITS ****.. but if I'm honest some where in my head I do understand there is a chance.

I was just wondering what other mother's experiences and feelings have been..

I look forward to reading your post...

Comments

  • zahalene
    zahalene Member Posts: 670
    #2
    My story...
    I was first dx in 1986 at age 38. I had a 12 yr old daughter and a 1 yr old son. Had rad mast and 10 mos of chemo. Less than 2 yrs later in 1988 I was dx on the other side. Had rad mast, 11 mos of chemo, 5 weeks of rads, and tamoxifen for 7 years. In 1996 was dx with bone ca in rib cage. Had 5 yrs of oral Megase. Am now cancer free for 7 yrs.
    Somewhere in there my marriage bit the dust. Am now divorced for 13 years.
    Those kids are 35 and almost 25 now. They are happy, healthy, well-adjusted young adults. I am in a good place, better off than I ever thought possible when all this started.
    I don't want to suggest that your life is going to be anything like what I have described. I am just saying that WHATEVER life throws at you, you are going to handle it and come through a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person. And you are going to hold the flashlight for those who come behind you on the path. It's what we survivors do.
    God bless.
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    #3
    zahalene said:

    My story...
    I was first dx in 1986 at age 38. I had a 12 yr old daughter and a 1 yr old son. Had rad mast and 10 mos of chemo. Less than 2 yrs later in 1988 I was dx on the other side. Had rad mast, 11 mos of chemo, 5 weeks of rads, and tamoxifen for 7 years. In 1996 was dx with bone ca in rib cage. Had 5 yrs of oral Megase. Am now cancer free for 7 yrs.
    Somewhere in there my marriage bit the dust. Am now divorced for 13 years.
    Those kids are 35 and almost 25 now. They are happy, healthy, well-adjusted young adults. I am in a good place, better off than I ever thought possible when all this started.
    I don't want to suggest that your life is going to be anything like what I have described. I am just saying that WHATEVER life throws at you, you are going to handle it and come through a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person. And you are going to hold the flashlight for those who come behind you on the path. It's what we survivors do.
    God bless.

    Zah
    I think you have such an inspiring story for the rest of us! Thank you so much for sharing. ♥Pammy
  • cheyennedawn
    cheyennedawn Member Posts: 70
    #4
    I am 35 years old, and I
    I am 35 years old, and I have 2 boys, 15 and 5, and a daughter, 8. I was just diagnosed in August. I had a mastectomy on Aug 12, 2009. No chemo or radiation. They removed 20 lymph nodes, and they were all clear. It has been a very rough time for my family. Cody, my 15 year old, understood better than my other children what was going on, and how serious it could be. I don't let the thought in very often, but sometimes I can't help but look at them and wonder how they would deal with me not being with them. It is a heartbreaking thought. But, we can and will beat this. This is not the first bump in the road for me. Back in Feb, 2000 I had to have a brain tumor removed. It was benign, but very large. It caused some major damage, I lost the hearing in one ear, and I now have facial paraylis on the same side. My marriage broke up with that. I really looked like a science fiction character, and he couldn't deal with it. But, after several reconstructive surgeries, it is not very noticable, unless I am talking or smiling. I was in the hospital for almost 2 months, and in physical and occupational therepy for about 3 months after I came home. And in speech therepy for almost 2 years. It was very hard at first, I had to relearn most things, including how to talk and eat. and believe me, it has taken years for me to arrive at this point, but I now consider it just a battle scar. One of many. My oldest son was 5 then. It has been very rough on him, having his daddy walk out, and me so very sick, but he is a wonderful person now, and very compassionate and helpful. He has been worried sick about me, and I hate that for him, but he knows this is a very treatable disease. I have learned to take it one day at a time, and not sweat the small stuff. Or try too anyway. Life is just to precious to waste time worrying about the little things. God has been so good to me, I know that with him, I will get through anything.

    I look forward to hearing other stories as well. Things sometimes don't seem so bad when you know you are not in it alone!
    Take care :)
  • pitt
    pitt Member Posts: 387
    #5
    I am 38 and have two girls,
    I am 38 and have two girls, 10 and 7. I just started chemo and my children have been incredible. My 7 year old is much more able to go with the moment and only has a certain level of understanding as to what is happening to me. My 10 year old is much more intuitive and analytical, so naturally this has been harder on her. I found some incredible bits of advice from the women on this forum regarding how to help children. My daughter and I exchange letters in our "secret mailboxes" and honestly the questions she is writing to me about are fascinating!!! I wish I had done this before the cancer diagnosis!!! Today she asked if she could wear my pink peace sign scarf to school...on her head...Rhoda style! She's adjusting to the situation as young children do. I'm finding so long as I keep the lines of communication open and honest, the girls are coping. I don't know what the weeks will bring for us once I lose my hair or become sicker. I just have to remember that my kids are learning about compassion, empathy, and understanding in a way that many adults never do.
  • JGrim
    JGrim Member Posts: 36
    #6
    I don't have children, but I
    I don't have children, but I do have a five year old neighbor who is very curious about my breast cancer, so I just wanted to mention to you guys that I do have a FREE paper doll on my site (cancervacation.com) that is customizable for different surgeries and treatments in case you guys want it to help explain to any of your kids (I made it for my neighbor originally). There's no gimick, there aren't any banner ads or anything, you can just click on the pages and print them out.

    I know you were looking more for input from other mothers, but the other "mommy has cancer" educational things that I've seen have all cost a lot of money (twenty to fifty dollars) and obviously you're concerned about how this affects your kids, so I just wanted you to know that the option is there for free if you want it. Sometimes it's hard to explain why you might look different than you did without visual aids and there's even an IV pole and stuff if you want to try to explain getting medicine that way.
  • HillBillyNana
    HillBillyNana Member Posts: 107
    #7
    Learn from my mistakes
    When I was 32 (1977) A pap smear showed cancer in my cervix. My daughter was almost 12 and my son was 7 1/2. I was newly divorced. I had no family support. I had to ask a friend to take care of my kids while I was in the hospital having surgery. First to remove my cervix then to remove my uterus since there were still cancer cells. Two hospital stays and sending my kids to stay with friends. I did not explain anything to them. I just told them they had to go stay with friends while I went to the hospital and had surgery. I don't know how they felt. I know I was sick at heart, thinking I might not be around to mother them. I felt in my heart no one could love my kids like I do. Now I know I should have handled it differently. I have told them since then that I wish I had been a little more in tune with their feelings and needs.

    Then in 2003 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My daughter was now 38 and my son was almost 34. They rallied around me and supported me every step of the way. Especially my daughter. She had a son who was 3 years old. He went through a terrible period of rebelliousness. It was completely 'not like him'. Now we look back and realize that it was during the time I was doing chemo and radiation. He never asked any questions, but I know he must have been very puzzled by all that was happening. I was sick and couldn't pick him up. No kissing. I am sure he wondered about that. His mother cried a lot thinking she might lose me. We learned from that experience that very young kids need info and security. My son had two kids - a girl 15 and a boy 12. These two were old enough to understand what was happening. They all went to treatment with me at one time or another. The three year old sat in my recliner with me and watched cartoons. The teen agers listened to what was being said and understood. But why we underestimated the three year old I will never know. We never explained how the treatments were connected to side effects. And of course every situation is a new one to that age group. So I said all that to say make sure the kids know what they need to know. And you as their mother know what they need to know. No secrets and no dramatics. I am so sorry this is so long, but I feel for my kids and then for my grandkids as they had to be involved in this disease and healing process. I wish you well.
  • e_hope
    e_hope Member Posts: 370
    #8
    Thanks for sharing your
    Thanks for sharing your wonderful stories ladies. It's nice to know that I am not alone going through treatment and caring for my kids. They have been wonderful and my life line. When I felt my worst through chemo they were what helped me push through. Some days my 6 year old 4 year old would lie in bed with me when I was too sick to get up.. and And when I lost all my hair My daughter (6) cried with me. And my 4 year old and I had a chuckle one day has he watched me put my fake eye lashes on and he asked me,, You lost your eye lashes too..

    My feeling with them and with all my nieces and nephews ranging in age of (10-4) is being honesty.. They all know what is going on I don't even hide my bald head from them.
  • e_hope
    e_hope Member Posts: 370
    #9
    HillBillyNana said:

    Learn from my mistakes
    When I was 32 (1977) A pap smear showed cancer in my cervix. My daughter was almost 12 and my son was 7 1/2. I was newly divorced. I had no family support. I had to ask a friend to take care of my kids while I was in the hospital having surgery. First to remove my cervix then to remove my uterus since there were still cancer cells. Two hospital stays and sending my kids to stay with friends. I did not explain anything to them. I just told them they had to go stay with friends while I went to the hospital and had surgery. I don't know how they felt. I know I was sick at heart, thinking I might not be around to mother them. I felt in my heart no one could love my kids like I do. Now I know I should have handled it differently. I have told them since then that I wish I had been a little more in tune with their feelings and needs.

    Then in 2003 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My daughter was now 38 and my son was almost 34. They rallied around me and supported me every step of the way. Especially my daughter. She had a son who was 3 years old. He went through a terrible period of rebelliousness. It was completely 'not like him'. Now we look back and realize that it was during the time I was doing chemo and radiation. He never asked any questions, but I know he must have been very puzzled by all that was happening. I was sick and couldn't pick him up. No kissing. I am sure he wondered about that. His mother cried a lot thinking she might lose me. We learned from that experience that very young kids need info and security. My son had two kids - a girl 15 and a boy 12. These two were old enough to understand what was happening. They all went to treatment with me at one time or another. The three year old sat in my recliner with me and watched cartoons. The teen agers listened to what was being said and understood. But why we underestimated the three year old I will never know. We never explained how the treatments were connected to side effects. And of course every situation is a new one to that age group. So I said all that to say make sure the kids know what they need to know. And you as their mother know what they need to know. No secrets and no dramatics. I am so sorry this is so long, but I feel for my kids and then for my grandkids as they had to be involved in this disease and healing process. I wish you well.

    Hillbillynana... You should
    Hillbillynana... You should never regret the decisions you made. yes hind site is always 20/20. you did what you thought right at the time. Then it was a different world and no one talked about those things. Its our feelings as mothers is that we have to protect our kids and that's what you thought you where doing. I am sure your grown children don't blame you for the choices you made then as a newly single mom facing such a scary diagnosis.

    Sorry to hear your have a second battle with cancer, but I am glad to hear that you are leaning on your children and grandkids to help you through.. That's what family is for no one should have to fight this battle alone..

    The laughter of a child is the best medicine. I know on even on my worst day at least one of my kids will put a smile on my face..
  • lolad
    lolad Member Posts: 670
    #10
    e_hope said:

    Thanks for sharing your
    Thanks for sharing your wonderful stories ladies. It's nice to know that I am not alone going through treatment and caring for my kids. They have been wonderful and my life line. When I felt my worst through chemo they were what helped me push through. Some days my 6 year old 4 year old would lie in bed with me when I was too sick to get up.. and And when I lost all my hair My daughter (6) cried with me. And my 4 year old and I had a chuckle one day has he watched me put my fake eye lashes on and he asked me,, You lost your eye lashes too..

    My feeling with them and with all my nieces and nephews ranging in age of (10-4) is being honesty.. They all know what is going on I don't even hide my bald head from them.

    You are not alone
    im 36 and a mother of three ages 15,13 and 11. Its just us in my family. Telling them was very hard for me. We talk openly about it and they tell me im beautiful bald. My two youngest have had the hardest time with it. Megan (11) thought i was going to die and cried alot. She now talks with the school councelor once a week. Zach 13, i thought was doing ok with it and just recently came to me and i know now he isnt, a councelor from the cancer center sees him once a week. We are starting a family group thing in about a month. I have my last chemo tomorrow. In the beginning, i thought all the time about what will happen to them if i dont make it. I cried all the time and was so scared. But i found strength and faith some how and made up my mind that i was going to win. Its been a hard roller coster ride for all of us. But with their smiles and hugs it reassures me that im going to be just fine. I wish you the best.

    take care
    laura
  • tommaseena
    tommaseena Member Posts: 1,769
    #11
    lolad said:

    You are not alone
    im 36 and a mother of three ages 15,13 and 11. Its just us in my family. Telling them was very hard for me. We talk openly about it and they tell me im beautiful bald. My two youngest have had the hardest time with it. Megan (11) thought i was going to die and cried alot. She now talks with the school councelor once a week. Zach 13, i thought was doing ok with it and just recently came to me and i know now he isnt, a councelor from the cancer center sees him once a week. We are starting a family group thing in about a month. I have my last chemo tomorrow. In the beginning, i thought all the time about what will happen to them if i dont make it. I cried all the time and was so scared. But i found strength and faith some how and made up my mind that i was going to win. Its been a hard roller coster ride for all of us. But with their smiles and hugs it reassures me that im going to be just fine. I wish you the best.

    take care
    laura

    Young child
    I am 45 and when I was diagnosed my son was 5. I told him that I had cancer which are bad cells and have to be taken out. A few nights before my surgery my son asked "Mom exactly what are the doctors going to do?" I told him "The doctors were going to remove mom's breast tissue and her and the doctors were going to work together so mom can have new breasts." He then got a smirk on his face and I asked, "What?" He then said while he was laughing, "Why did you put Kleenex there?" I said,"what?" and he said, "You know tissue--kleenex." and then laughed so much he got the hiccups. He has seen my scars and is not afraid. He can ask me anything and I will be as honest with him as I can.

    Some may not choose to do it the way I did but it has worked for us. He has helped in my recovery--when laundry needed to come out of the washing machine he would bring a stool over and pull the clothes out so I could put them in the dryer. I read him childrens books about mom having cancer and got them from the cancer center library.

    Again, this method may not work for everyone. If you are open then the children will be open with you and not afraid to ask questions but it may take some time.

    Best of luck,
    Margo
  • MyTurnNow
    MyTurnNow Member Posts: 2,686 Member
    #12
    Bumping this up for
    Bumping this up for Jennifer1961.
  • Jennifer1961
    Jennifer1961 Member Posts: 137
    #13
    zahalene said:

    My story...
    I was first dx in 1986 at age 38. I had a 12 yr old daughter and a 1 yr old son. Had rad mast and 10 mos of chemo. Less than 2 yrs later in 1988 I was dx on the other side. Had rad mast, 11 mos of chemo, 5 weeks of rads, and tamoxifen for 7 years. In 1996 was dx with bone ca in rib cage. Had 5 yrs of oral Megase. Am now cancer free for 7 yrs.
    Somewhere in there my marriage bit the dust. Am now divorced for 13 years.
    Those kids are 35 and almost 25 now. They are happy, healthy, well-adjusted young adults. I am in a good place, better off than I ever thought possible when all this started.
    I don't want to suggest that your life is going to be anything like what I have described. I am just saying that WHATEVER life throws at you, you are going to handle it and come through a stronger, wiser, more compassionate person. And you are going to hold the flashlight for those who come behind you on the path. It's what we survivors do.
    God bless.

    Thanks
    Thanks so much for sharing. Was just diagnoised a couple of weeks ago and have been on and off freaking out (I have kids 5, 9 and 11). Your story has given me hope. Thanks.
  • TawnyS
    TawnyS Member Posts: 144 Member
    #14
    I was diagnosed @ 36 with a 7 year old daughter
    I kinda knew in my heart it was cancer...long story...I'll spare you all the details again. My daughter is so amazing and such an old soul and understands things far beyond what a child of that age should. I explained to her that I was going to get pictures of my boobies again and I told her that they will tell me if I have cancer or if I don't have cancer. She told me we can work through whatever they say. I told her yes. When I was officially diagnosed my husband went with me and our daughter was at Grandma's. When we walked out of the clinic we sat in the truck and cried forever. I pass that parking spot at least 3 days a week (it is on a very busy corner) and I think of that day sitting there with my husband crying in that parking spot. I wonder how many women have cried in that parking spot. Anyway, we got ourselves together and went to pick our daughter up and she met me at the door and she said, "It's cancer because you've been crying." I told her yes and again she comforted me and told me we will fix it. When I had my bilateral I told her that when she was ready to see what I looked like to let me know and I would show her. She finally asked about 3 weeks later and she looked at me standing there naked and said, "Hmm, it's not at all what I expected. You look wonderful!" What an amazing child! My thought is that I am kinda relieved that she has experienced this at a young age. I have always maintained a positive attitude about it and I have tried to show her and her friends that life sometimes hands you lemons and the only thing you can do is try to make lemonade. It may be bittersweet at times, but you must carry on. I have always been honest with her. She seemed different for a little bit and I finally asked her to please tell me what she had on her mind. She cried and couldn't say it. I asked her if she was wondering if I was going to die. She burst into tears and told me yes. I looked her in the eyes and I told her that as sure as I was sitting there I knew in my heart that this cancer right now is not going to take me out. That's all she needed to hear. Then she was back to her old self again. I also know that now my daughter will absolutely know to be proactive as she becomes a young woman. My daughter will also have the opportunity to begin screening at 23 since she will be considered high risk. My breast surgeon told me that the daughter should start the screening 10 years prior to the mother's age of diagnosis. I did have the cancer since I was 33. This hogwash about not screening women until they are 50....give me a break! If you have boobies you can get cancer! Thanks for starting this discussion! I've loved reading the stories! Hugs! Tawny
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #15
    TawnyS said:

    I was diagnosed @ 36 with a 7 year old daughter
    I kinda knew in my heart it was cancer...long story...I'll spare you all the details again. My daughter is so amazing and such an old soul and understands things far beyond what a child of that age should. I explained to her that I was going to get pictures of my boobies again and I told her that they will tell me if I have cancer or if I don't have cancer. She told me we can work through whatever they say. I told her yes. When I was officially diagnosed my husband went with me and our daughter was at Grandma's. When we walked out of the clinic we sat in the truck and cried forever. I pass that parking spot at least 3 days a week (it is on a very busy corner) and I think of that day sitting there with my husband crying in that parking spot. I wonder how many women have cried in that parking spot. Anyway, we got ourselves together and went to pick our daughter up and she met me at the door and she said, "It's cancer because you've been crying." I told her yes and again she comforted me and told me we will fix it. When I had my bilateral I told her that when she was ready to see what I looked like to let me know and I would show her. She finally asked about 3 weeks later and she looked at me standing there naked and said, "Hmm, it's not at all what I expected. You look wonderful!" What an amazing child! My thought is that I am kinda relieved that she has experienced this at a young age. I have always maintained a positive attitude about it and I have tried to show her and her friends that life sometimes hands you lemons and the only thing you can do is try to make lemonade. It may be bittersweet at times, but you must carry on. I have always been honest with her. She seemed different for a little bit and I finally asked her to please tell me what she had on her mind. She cried and couldn't say it. I asked her if she was wondering if I was going to die. She burst into tears and told me yes. I looked her in the eyes and I told her that as sure as I was sitting there I knew in my heart that this cancer right now is not going to take me out. That's all she needed to hear. Then she was back to her old self again. I also know that now my daughter will absolutely know to be proactive as she becomes a young woman. My daughter will also have the opportunity to begin screening at 23 since she will be considered high risk. My breast surgeon told me that the daughter should start the screening 10 years prior to the mother's age of diagnosis. I did have the cancer since I was 33. This hogwash about not screening women until they are 50....give me a break! If you have boobies you can get cancer! Thanks for starting this discussion! I've loved reading the stories! Hugs! Tawny

    My first BC was when I was
    My first BC was when I was 34 my kids were 3 years old and 8 months old, I was still breast feeding. I can tell you they are doing well. now one is in college and the other in HS. they are still doing well amazing kids. Our life does not center around my BC but honesty on their level is important.
  • 24242
    24242 Member Posts: 1,398
    #16
    carkris said:

    My first BC was when I was
    My first BC was when I was 34 my kids were 3 years old and 8 months old, I was still breast feeding. I can tell you they are doing well. now one is in college and the other in HS. they are still doing well amazing kids. Our life does not center around my BC but honesty on their level is important.

    36 at diagnosis
    I had an angry 14 year old teenage son at the time and thought cancer would simplify things for him as it did for me. Wrong, instead it sort of gave him the reasons he needed to act badly. He continued to act badly until he was 21 or 22 not caring too much about life itself. He actually has appologized to me for not being there for me when I was sick. He realized this while sitting at the bedside of his best friend who was driving the car that killed the other best friend. It dawned on my son then that he could sit all night with Jay but didn't even visit me but once while in ICU even. He really kicks himself today about it and I try to assure him that he was a boy and should have been out doing kid things rather than staring at me with his worried little eyes.
    It is a beautiful thing when that spark returns to their eyes after being dead. My son just thought what was the use anyways we were just going to die. I did not and have been a survivor more than 14 years now. Life goes on and so do we...
    Being honest can only make it easier for them to be honest with us. Now he tells me everything and I am not so sure a mother should know all this mother does.
    Tara
  • TawnyS
    TawnyS Member Posts: 144 Member
    #17
    24242 said:

    36 at diagnosis
    I had an angry 14 year old teenage son at the time and thought cancer would simplify things for him as it did for me. Wrong, instead it sort of gave him the reasons he needed to act badly. He continued to act badly until he was 21 or 22 not caring too much about life itself. He actually has appologized to me for not being there for me when I was sick. He realized this while sitting at the bedside of his best friend who was driving the car that killed the other best friend. It dawned on my son then that he could sit all night with Jay but didn't even visit me but once while in ICU even. He really kicks himself today about it and I try to assure him that he was a boy and should have been out doing kid things rather than staring at me with his worried little eyes.
    It is a beautiful thing when that spark returns to their eyes after being dead. My son just thought what was the use anyways we were just going to die. I did not and have been a survivor more than 14 years now. Life goes on and so do we...
    Being honest can only make it easier for them to be honest with us. Now he tells me everything and I am not so sure a mother should know all this mother does.
    Tara

    24242 So touching!
    And such an inspiration to hear you are a 14 YEAR SURVIVOR! YOU ROCK!
  • sparklewings
    sparklewings Member Posts: 29
    #18
    TawnyS said:

    24242 So touching!
    And such an inspiration to hear you are a 14 YEAR SURVIVOR! YOU ROCK!

    My kids are not quite as
    My kids are not quite as young as yours, 13, 11 and 10 but still difficult in knowing how to deal with it.

    When i was first diagnosed in feb with bc all docs etc kept on telling me how small it was etc etc so decided not to tell kids just that a lump was found and was going to be taken away.

    Unfortunately was then told best to have chemo and had to tell them cos it might have been bit of a shock to see their mum with a brittney all of a sudden lol.

    My middle son said he knew that there was more to it (no chance in pulling the wool over his eyes) and my hubby sat each one down (as i was far too emotional) and explained clearly that the treatment was to prevent the cancer (hopefully) from coming back and not that i was dying.

    They seem to have excepted this quite ok and now check everyday how i'm feeling. The only thing that seems to upset them the most now is my hair loss and have to make a point of covering up when they at home lol.

    I don't think there is a right way on dealing with kids as we are so emotional with them and want to be around as long as possible its not easy, just do whats best for you x

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