It's just hitting me??????Why?????

crazy__er
crazy__er Member Posts: 5
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I've had cancer for over 5 years now. Since that anniversary in May I have just been slowly building up to a breaking point. I think I am there. I just had to release it tonite. I have never really shared anything on discussion boards. Never wanted to admit it I guess.

When I was filling in the discussion board category section I thought it was unfair that I couldn't get the recognition I deserve for having been diagnosed with 2 types of cancer in 2004 - Breast and Colon. And both within the same week! Two different cancers and both found in my regular checkups. No symptoms. Lucky me. Early detection and no chemo or radiation. Just a mastectomy, reconstruction, and the breast cancer was GONE. A little colon surgery and the colon cancer was GONE. Well, it was supposed to be gone. Less than two years later the colon cancer was back, exactly on the suture line and on the outside of my colon, which meant it was not detected by colonoscopy and had matastasized to my pelvic. Chemo, radiation, another surgery, a permanent colostomy and a very unsure prognosis. Sure enough May 2008 it was back. I had another surgery at Moffitt in Tampa because my docs in Gainesville could not perform the surgery I needed. After a 9 hour surgery and a month in the hospital, because of a complication, I came home. The doc got clean margins, except one. He was thrilled because he felt he was really going to find a mess. I had an open wound and needed care for for 2 months, until they just took me back in surgery and fixed it so I could get on some chemo.

I think it was October 2008 they put me on Xeloda and I had infusions of Avastin every three weeks. I stopped the Xeloda in March 2009. I was to be on Avastin "indefinitely" but they stopped it a month ago because some "count" was up and to continue would "kill my kidneys".

I went back to work after my 3rd surgery but found the stress, both emotional and physical, just too much. I retired 3 weeks ago. Without work and since they took me off the avastin I feel like I am in no-mans-land. I have no control.

I have grandbabies, a great husband and children, a wonderful church family and friends. I am truly blessed by my GOD. My doctors are beyond the best. I have cell phone #s for most of them and one that has retired calls me to check up on me.

My scans last month looked good. So much scar tissue its hard to tell, but no change was detected. Without being proactive in this situation I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to fall with the next scan.

I know I should be living and giving, but I feel fat (i really am!), tired, in pain, and generally like a slug. So many around me with cancer. I guess I am overwhelmed. I just don't know where to start to try to get things together. I need to reclaim my sanity and my courage.

Maybe this was a start, just getting it out. God bless you all in your journeys and thanks for listening.

Cathy

Comments

  • Buzzard
    Buzzard Member Posts: 3,043 Member
    #2
    Off to a great start..........
    Cathy,
    Its only when we vent that we release the frustrations we have pent up inside. These people in here are pros at listening. They are also pros at venting, physcology, physics, oncology,proctology,mental and physical well being,Halloween, Christmas, well you get the meaning....This is the best place to hang your hat and stay a while. You will learn a lot about the disease and the emotional rollercoaster it doles out. You will also learn that the people in here have all been there done that and have battle scars to prove it. We are a very close knit group that loves to surround others with hope and caring that only survivors and caregivers can ever know. Welcome to the best seat in the house....Clift
  • karguy
    karguy Member Posts: 1,020 Member
    #3
    venting
    I think you have a good start by venting,you need to stop worrying,easy to say,but you do need to start living your life with your family.Don't worry about being fat,or feel like a slug or tired.I feel like that too,but I'm not going to worry about it.I missed 1 year of my life because of cancer,and I'm not going to let it slow me down anymore.This summer I've done everything I usually do ,and then some.DON'T LET THE CANCER KEEP YOU DOWN!!!!!! God bless,and good luck.
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    #4
    Exactly!
    Well Cathy

    Buzzard said it for me and all of us - truly a wise man :)

    He summed it up perfectly.

    Let me just say welcome to the board and unpack your bags and stay awhile :)

    -Craig
  • grammadebbie
    grammadebbie Member Posts: 464
    #5
    Glad you're here
    Dear Cathy,
    May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face shine upon you. I pray Our Lord would give you the peace that passes all understanding. Yes, you are blessed but you are also going thru a very tramatic time. It's ok to have some down time. Give yourself a break. You deserve it. We are to rejoice with those that rejoice and with those who weep. We have a full range of emotions and feelings. Thats the way we are...it's ok. This to shall pass and we will all be here to rejoice with you also. This is a wonderful safe place to come. We may not all have the same belief systems however we all respect each other and have only good thoughts towards one another. So glad you're here. You just let it all out.

    I'll be praying for you.

    Debbie (gramma)
  • robinvan
    robinvan Member Posts: 1,012
    #6
    Welcome to the Semi-colons!
    Hey Cathy,
    Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. I hope you find this to be a place of needed support and open listening.
    Your recurrence sounds a little like the one I'm currently experiencing(tumour recurs 5 years later outside the colon at the original site, evaded detection, and spread to sacrum). Did yours spread to pelvic bone? If so... how did they treat it?
    Sorry to pick your brain already! But I see that you also come bearing great gifts!

    Be Well... Rob; in Vancouver
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #7
    Hi, Cathy
    Cathy,

    I'm so glad you're here. When you have to deal with all the emotional baggage of cancer, this is the place to be.

    I'm sorry for all you're dealing with, and I hope you'll come back to allow us to help you. I'll be praying for you.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • PGLGreg
    PGLGreg Member Posts: 731
    #8
    Sounds like you may be
    Sounds like you may be finally out of the woods. Maybe it's time for some daily exercises. Start small. Make sure you're getting enough calcium.

    --Greg
  • Shayenne
    Shayenne Member Posts: 2,342
    #9
    PGLGreg said:

    Sounds like you may be
    Sounds like you may be finally out of the woods. Maybe it's time for some daily exercises. Start small. Make sure you're getting enough calcium.

    --Greg

    Hi Cathy!
    Nice to meet you, and Welcome to a wonderful forum! You sound like someone that I can take alot of hope from, and inspirational. You should be proud of yourself kicking cancers butt! I admire you, and we all have bad down days, even me, but I pick myself right up and throw my focus on something else quick, I don't want this cancer to win! you are an inspiration, and you keep going, we are all here for you to talk you, and would love to hear more about your journey! You are in my thoughts and prayers!

    Hugsss!
    ~Donna
  • crazy__er
    crazy__er Member Posts: 5
    #10
    robinvan said:

    Welcome to the Semi-colons!
    Hey Cathy,
    Thanks for stopping by and sharing your story. I hope you find this to be a place of needed support and open listening.
    Your recurrence sounds a little like the one I'm currently experiencing(tumour recurs 5 years later outside the colon at the original site, evaded detection, and spread to sacrum). Did yours spread to pelvic bone? If so... how did they treat it?
    Sorry to pick your brain already! But I see that you also come bearing great gifts!

    Be Well... Rob; in Vancouver

    semi-colons - that's so cute. Pick away, kiddo. Ron, please excuse me if I don't talk all the medical jargone (sp?). My mind doesn't work like that.

    Yes, it did spread to my pelvic bone. That was the 2nd surgery and that is when I had the colostomy. It was so near my rectum that they could not attach it to any other part of my colon. Basically at that time my doctor just "scrapped" as much as he could then "burned" as much of the cancer he could see. Talk about nerve endings waking up from that. OUCHEE. He wasn't very confident about it though. I guess the pelvic bone is something that is not easily cleaned surgerically. So, he wasn't surprised when it made a reappearance in the same spot a year later. That is when I went to Moffitt. They did the 9 hour surgery, as I said, and I lost my rectum, my vagina and most of my butt. (: They took a muscle from the inside of my left leg and swung it up into my butt and made me "new parts". All the chemo and radiation also did my bladder in at least 75% and I wear lovely new undies. But, all the bags and stuff doesn't bother me. It really doesn't. I wish it had never happened, but as long as they got it all I'll take another scar or two.

    One thing I didn't say that I call this adventure my T&A saga. Breast and Colon, get it? I do have a sense of humor and peace about it. I just hate being in this between and betwix state and feeling like I have no control since I am not on something. But, I know I do have control over so many things. So, now that I have confessed my human-ness hopefully I can do something.

    Thank you for responding and if I haven't explained something adequately, or if you need to ask anything else, please email. We are the furtherest apart on the continent, but we are so close in heart.

    Mushy, mushy, hug, hug. cathy
  • crazy__er
    crazy__er Member Posts: 5
    #11
    Thanks everyone. I think I
    Thanks everyone. I think I have climbed down outta my tree. Feeling better today. I "made" myself go to a friend's antique store today, have lunch with her and stroll around her shop. We talked a lot. She lost a husband 2 years ago to colon cancer. His brother was lost last year to throat cancer. Her mother-in-law has been fighting breast and colon cancer and her sister is terminal from breast cancer. Two other friends are terminal with stomach and throat cancer. Cindy believes she has to be the carefiver to the world, which I love her for, but really! She is another reason I am over the edge. So, we talked. We agreed she isn't Sister Teresa (we're Baptist, she can't be, right!?)and I agreed that I needed to breathe and release. Then we decided to run away to the mountains of North GA next week. She has a cabin there and if I take enough drugs I can make the trip and chill out and get my mind straight again.

    I'm good. Thanks again.

    "We are all angels with one wing, and can only fly by embracing one another."
  • robinvan
    robinvan Member Posts: 1,012
    #12
    crazy__er said:

    semi-colons - that's so cute. Pick away, kiddo. Ron, please excuse me if I don't talk all the medical jargone (sp?). My mind doesn't work like that.

    Yes, it did spread to my pelvic bone. That was the 2nd surgery and that is when I had the colostomy. It was so near my rectum that they could not attach it to any other part of my colon. Basically at that time my doctor just "scrapped" as much as he could then "burned" as much of the cancer he could see. Talk about nerve endings waking up from that. OUCHEE. He wasn't very confident about it though. I guess the pelvic bone is something that is not easily cleaned surgerically. So, he wasn't surprised when it made a reappearance in the same spot a year later. That is when I went to Moffitt. They did the 9 hour surgery, as I said, and I lost my rectum, my vagina and most of my butt. (: They took a muscle from the inside of my left leg and swung it up into my butt and made me "new parts". All the chemo and radiation also did my bladder in at least 75% and I wear lovely new undies. But, all the bags and stuff doesn't bother me. It really doesn't. I wish it had never happened, but as long as they got it all I'll take another scar or two.

    One thing I didn't say that I call this adventure my T&A saga. Breast and Colon, get it? I do have a sense of humor and peace about it. I just hate being in this between and betwix state and feeling like I have no control since I am not on something. But, I know I do have control over so many things. So, now that I have confessed my human-ness hopefully I can do something.

    Thank you for responding and if I haven't explained something adequately, or if you need to ask anything else, please email. We are the furtherest apart on the continent, but we are so close in heart.

    Mushy, mushy, hug, hug. cathy

    Scary Surgery
    Cathy,
    What an incerdible ordeal! Thank you for sharing that. It sounds like it was "pelvic resection and exenteration"! You are the first person I've encountered who has had this procedure. WOW?

    I don't know if it is an available option for me (sacral resection). I'm sure there is no one in Vancouver. To be honest it scares me to think of it! and I'm a surgery veteran with the tummy to show for it! It sounds like you have weathered it well and adjusted with a good attitude.

    As far as "where you are at", It sounds a little to me like you are experiencing what has been referred to as the "emotional aftermath". I wrote a bit about this a couple of years ago which you can find here...
    http://rob-pollock.blogspot.com/2007/08/emotional-aftermath.html
    This a very common experience for survivors and not entirely unlike the post-traumatic stress that people experience after other horrific ordeals. And what you have gone through is pretty traumatic!

    Cathy, you sound really resilient and I hope you are able to find that place of equilibrium you are looking for. Engage your spiritual resources, give thanks at sunset for another day, and bless the dawn!

    Hugs right back at you... Rob; in Vancouver
  • butterfly23
    butterfly23 Member Posts: 256
    #13
    Hi Cathy
    I find when I do complain about my cancer, I apoligize to whoever I am complaining too. To be honest i really don't complain that much. We all deserve to complain a little, It suck what we go through, and not many of us on this board seems to complain that much. So you go right ahead, you have every right. We are here for you to vent! We are here for good times and bad! I hope you have a better day! My thoughts are with you!
    Karyn

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