my daddy passed from SCLC on 12*16*08

Hello everyone. This is my first time really speaking of my daddy's death, I can honestly without doubt say that this is the hardest thing I have ever been through....so I will spill my story...

...On 10*29*08 my dad went for a "check-up" (that's what he told me) because he was coughing up a little blood here and there, maybe I was in denial that something could truly be wrong with that, I am in nursing school, and when he told me that I think I blocked it out a little... ok maybe i completely blocked it out. So anyway he went for his "check-up" at the VA hospital where he usually went, I should have went with him, but I didn't. I got a phone call at 3pm from his "lady friend" that I needed to meet them at Wake Forest Univ. Baptist Med. Center, because they were transporting him by ambulance, they found a tumor the size of a softball on his right lung. I dropped my phone and i felt like my whole world came crashing down on me, my best friend was trying to talk to me asking me what was wrong but I couldn't hear her, it was like just her lips were moving and everything was in slow motion... I had a complete melt down in her driveway.

I got to the hospital and my daddy was so calm, like he always was, he acted like nothing was wrong, the student doctors came in the room and were like "now let's not jump to conclusions we still have to perform a biopsy to determine whether it's malignant or benign." Ok well I am 22 years old and not completely dumb and I didn't get into nursing school for nothing, my dad had Emphysema and COPD, and my grandfather died of throat cancer when my daddy was 16, so I had my ideas. My daddy had the most hope and optimism of anyone I had ever known, and it was the longest 2 days of my life for them to do all their lab work and get results back. On halloween we found out it was indeed malignant. MALIGNANT...MALIGNANT.....MALIGNANT... I can still hear the doctor!! My dad nodded his head in a "yes" motion and my head dropped into my hands..and I lost it. All I could think is "he's gonna die...oh my gosh he's gonna die" So the doctors made arrangements for dad to have a pulmonary specialist and an oncologist of course and surgery was out of the question, because the tumor was too close to the liver, so daddy began his radiation treatments. Dad came home from the hospital I think the 2nd week of november and they had oxygen set up for him and all, He woke Me up at 3am one morning by throwing a boot and hitting my bedroom door because even with the O2 level at 4 he couldn't breathe, so I talked him into going back into the hospital.

He came home the day before thanksgiving and was doing horrible... really horrible but I think the hospital staff knew at that point that he would be back so why not go home for your more than likely last thanksgiving with your family. Sure enough.. he went back the saturday after thanksgiving.

On December 10th, dad went down to radiation for treatment and went into cardiac arrest 5 times, I was in class that day, presenting a project for one of my classes and freaked out, needless to say my instructor let me leave. I got to the hospital and they had dad on life support I shouldn't have went to class that day... for 5 days I prayed as hard as I could for a miracle... but he went into multi-organ failure and the doctors did everything they could... his kidneys were shutting down so they put him on a slow dialysis but they couldn't do too much because his heart was unstable. On december 15th my dad became completely non-responsive, wouldnt squeeze our hand wouldnt acknowledge that we were by his side. That is the worst feeling in the world. I just laid my head down on his chest and bawled like a newborn baby 21 years old and losing the most important man in my life, the man who gave me life, provided me everything i needed for 21 years, held me when I cried, pushed me when I felt like I couldn't make it through college courses, what about me?

The doctor told us that day that there was nothing more that they could do, and it would be in dad's best interest if we sent him to palliative care. So we did on december 15th, and I was up all night, slept maybe 2 hours on a cot next to his bed. On december 16th at 12:20(something)pm the ventilator was removed. Every person in my family (but my brother unfortunately) was there to witness his last breath.... my sister and i had one hand each and at 1:30ish pm he took his last breath.......and that was it.




THAT WAS IT??????? NOW HE'S ONLY IN MY HEART?

I am 22 years old, I am not married, I do not have kids, I have not finished college, I am his youngest and he doesn't get to walk me down the aisle when I get married in 3 years, he can't hold me first baby, I won't hear his strong deep voice amongst all the others in the crowd at my graduation from college... I can't sit with him and stare at him with amazement when he answers every question correctly on Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune....I can't get annoyed with his saturday morning westerns... but most of all, i can't feel his bushy mustache on my cheek when he goes to kiss me goodnight.

I know everyone dies and it's part of life, and I know I am not suppose to question God but I find myself laying in bed at night wondering why? Why are their kids and adults out there who don't get along with their parents, don't even speak to them, but I love my daddy more than anything in this world and he loved me but he was taken right from underneath me....

Now I constantly have dreams about my mom dying, my sister dying, and my fiance dying... my mom has sleep apnea and wears a c-pap at night, so I am scared out of my mind that I will lose her, too.

But I will never forget what my daddy said to me a week and a half before he died... "BABY, LIFE WILL GO ON AND I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU"