Any Advice?

bran127
bran127 Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
I am looking for any advice I can get. My brother's wife was diagnosed with Stage II breast cancer in June. Fortunately they caught it quickly and she is doing fantastic. She is amazing and has truly been an inspiration. Only 2 more chemo treatments left!

My brother on the other hand is not doing so well. He has become so depressed. He cannot talk with out crying even when they receive good news which they have been fortunate to receive often since the diagnosis. I know no one can imagine what he is going through but himself and anyone who has gone through it themselves, but I am so concerned about him. He has lost 30lbs, and just basically "goes through the motions" everyday like a robot. He has become obsessed with it and is terrifed that the cancer is going to come back. He cannot function regularly. His fear has consumed him to the point where he is not "available" for his wife or kids. Don't get me wrong he is doing a great job taking care of them...he just has not made time for himself. Does anyone have any advice? Know of any support group or good doctor in Houston, TX. ANY ADVICE is welcomed.

Thanks for listening
Bran

Comments

  • mumphy
    mumphy Member Posts: 440
    #2
    Ask the Doctor
    Hi,

    Your sister in laws Doctor may be able to refer him someplace. There are many support groups and even refer him to this site. It has been very helpful. You may be able to contact his Doctor he can not give you any information but you can or your sister in law can let them know that he may be depressed. When my husband was diagnosed the one of the first things that I did was to let my Doctor know what was going on, she gave me an RX
    for anxiety meds and said to call her and let her know if I was getting depressed, apparently this is very common for caregivers.

    It's only a suggestion, There may even be a social worker or some kind person like that who can help.

    Hope things get better
    Mumphy
  • seanslove
    seanslove Member Posts: 70
    #3
    advice
    Bran,

    Your right,no one can know what he is going through,as each of us is different,and the one word which has been stricken from my home forever, is normal. Doctors and nurses alike,and even the support groups,like to tell you this or that is normal. It's normal to be upset,it's normal to not eat,and everything else which goes along with being the patient or the caregiver. I understand,however,becoming a robot and going through the motions,as since losing my husband three weeks ago today to stage four cancer,which was dx in May,this has become my way of life. Sean was only 45 and I am 39,so our lives were cut very short and the cancer was very fast in it's attack. The depression is the hardest part,however,I find,instead of allowing doctors to dope me up,finding little things to keep busy and distract my mind work very well. I have become an XBox junky,I was already in school,and I come here still in hopes of helping others as they helped me along the way.
    I have found over the last couple of weeks,when the mind is distracted from what is over ruling it's every thought,some peace can be found. This does not mean by any means that I don't still break down and fall apart often,becuase I do,now being alone after being with him for seven years,just that I have more moments of being together than falling apart. I hoe this helps some.
  • Amy41
    Amy41 Member Posts: 13
    #4
    seanslove said:

    advice
    Bran,

    Your right,no one can know what he is going through,as each of us is different,and the one word which has been stricken from my home forever, is normal. Doctors and nurses alike,and even the support groups,like to tell you this or that is normal. It's normal to be upset,it's normal to not eat,and everything else which goes along with being the patient or the caregiver. I understand,however,becoming a robot and going through the motions,as since losing my husband three weeks ago today to stage four cancer,which was dx in May,this has become my way of life. Sean was only 45 and I am 39,so our lives were cut very short and the cancer was very fast in it's attack. The depression is the hardest part,however,I find,instead of allowing doctors to dope me up,finding little things to keep busy and distract my mind work very well. I have become an XBox junky,I was already in school,and I come here still in hopes of helping others as they helped me along the way.
    I have found over the last couple of weeks,when the mind is distracted from what is over ruling it's every thought,some peace can be found. This does not mean by any means that I don't still break down and fall apart often,becuase I do,now being alone after being with him for seven years,just that I have more moments of being together than falling apart. I hoe this helps some.

    Consumed
    It is hard to take time for yourself when you are so worried about your spouse - but sounds like they are very lucky and that things were caught early. I could not be going through this without antidepressants and a few anti anxiety pills now and again - they don't stop the rush of emotions but they do tamp things down to make me available to take care of my husband - just try to be there for your sister and brother in law - things should come back around but sometimes better living through chemistry can get you over the hump even just getting some more exercise is an endorpen - suggest taking daily walks with his wife - even if they are short.

    Seanslove - I so feel for you - my husband is only 51 I'm 42 he was diagnosed last year with cancer and is slipping away - we had such plans which will now not happen - I used to be a big planner with the next trip planned while we were still on a trip and now I plan trips to the grocery store to stock up on ensure and what ever else I think he will eat the weight just keeps going down.
  • BrittaA
    BrittaA Member Posts: 19
    #5
    words of encouragement
    Hi Bran, I’m sorry to hear that your brother isn’t taking his wife’s diagnosis well. He sounds a little burned out. I’m a cancer survivor and was a caregiver to my father who battled colon cancer for 8 years before passing away in 2007, so I can relate to your brother’s “robot” behavior during this time. I started www.cincovidas.com as a resource for cancer fighters, survivors and caregivers that deals with the side effects of cancer treatment. I wrote a post that deals with how to avoid burn out while caring for a loved one http://blog.cincovidas.com/caring-for-a-cancer-fighter-six-tips-to-help-you-avoid-burnout-and-stay-healthy. Have you introduced your brother to this site? That might be the best step. You may also want to find a local support group in your area that you can attend with your brother. He can talk about his feelings and connect with other caregivers that will understand what he is going through. I hope that these can help your brother. Please keep me posted. Love, strength and survival, Britta
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #6
    Life Changing
    I think hearing the word cancer and dealing with yourself or a loved one with cancer is a life changing event. The fear is always there. What will the next scan, blood test, or whatever show? Your come face to face with the idea that you aren't in control and that life is fragile. It sounds like your brother needs help dealing with those changes. Talk with your sister-in-law. Maybe she has some thoughts. Encourage your brother to forget the macho man ideals and seek help and just let him know that you love him and are concerned. Best wishes. Fay

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