Atmosphere

SonSon
SonSon Member Posts: 174
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My husband is walking around on eggshells like the world has already come to an end...
Shushes me all the time if I am talking, laughing, humming....Like I can't make ANY sound around the house.
Have mother-in-law set up in the living room and I am set up to work from home in the dining room (no wall between the two).
HELLO! Your mother is STILL alive and expects people around her to continue living.
It is suffocating. I can't believe he is shushing me when I am laughing... it makes her smile to hear laughter.
It is driving me crazy, guys. Just have to tell someone. Does / did anyone here go through anything like this?
ARGGHHGHGHG!!!
Fatima

Comments

  • timsgirl01
    timsgirl01 Member Posts: 2
    #2
    Hi Fatima,
    I like your way of looking at your issue, laughter, joking and alot of smiles is what i am quite sure your mother loves...If we stay negative than that turns everyone negative, positive attracts people, i am in a in a almost simular position with my fiance who has stage 4 kidney cancer, only it with his feelings that he won't talk about so men are men in however way they are acting.. I just wrote a post on myself changing after 11 months on being his secretary, asking all the questions and getting all the answers, the research when he was d/x and i came to the conclusion if he won't change than i will, i've burnt out twice in the last year, trying to take it all on and getting no help from him.. I have decided that it doesn't work that way, not anymore and taking care of me is needed to be done...Yes my fiance has a devastaing terminal disease which i worried about all these months but his lungs have been stable for 6 months now and it time to live and he just wants to stay without talking and won't change...So either he'll follow me with my positive attitude or not, it's his choice, however it turns out i'll be the happy one....
    Stay exactly how you are, you are a shining beam of light and just because we're dealing with sickness our lives don't have to stop....
    Timsgirl01
  • soccerfreaks
    soccerfreaks Member Posts: 2,788 Member
    #3
    timsgirl01 said:

    Hi Fatima,
    I like your way of looking at your issue, laughter, joking and alot of smiles is what i am quite sure your mother loves...If we stay negative than that turns everyone negative, positive attracts people, i am in a in a almost simular position with my fiance who has stage 4 kidney cancer, only it with his feelings that he won't talk about so men are men in however way they are acting.. I just wrote a post on myself changing after 11 months on being his secretary, asking all the questions and getting all the answers, the research when he was d/x and i came to the conclusion if he won't change than i will, i've burnt out twice in the last year, trying to take it all on and getting no help from him.. I have decided that it doesn't work that way, not anymore and taking care of me is needed to be done...Yes my fiance has a devastaing terminal disease which i worried about all these months but his lungs have been stable for 6 months now and it time to live and he just wants to stay without talking and won't change...So either he'll follow me with my positive attitude or not, it's his choice, however it turns out i'll be the happy one....
    Stay exactly how you are, you are a shining beam of light and just because we're dealing with sickness our lives don't have to stop....
    Timsgirl01

    "however it turns out i'll be the happy one"
    As a survivor who also lost loved ones to cancer, I must say that I should just stop coming into this particular board. It is now absolutely clear that I cannot contribute.

    I do not believe in a God, but if I did, I would be down on my knees thanking Him or Her that my significant other, my primary caregiver, my wife, never said some of the recent stuff I've read in here, highlighted by the quote in the title of my response, taken from the most recent respondent.

    As a matter of fact, I do not believe that anyone I KNOW would say such a thing, even if they hated me.

    I guess I'm lucky.
  • Artin2010
    Artin2010 Member Posts: 17
    #4
    timsgirl01 said:

    Hi Fatima,
    I like your way of looking at your issue, laughter, joking and alot of smiles is what i am quite sure your mother loves...If we stay negative than that turns everyone negative, positive attracts people, i am in a in a almost simular position with my fiance who has stage 4 kidney cancer, only it with his feelings that he won't talk about so men are men in however way they are acting.. I just wrote a post on myself changing after 11 months on being his secretary, asking all the questions and getting all the answers, the research when he was d/x and i came to the conclusion if he won't change than i will, i've burnt out twice in the last year, trying to take it all on and getting no help from him.. I have decided that it doesn't work that way, not anymore and taking care of me is needed to be done...Yes my fiance has a devastaing terminal disease which i worried about all these months but his lungs have been stable for 6 months now and it time to live and he just wants to stay without talking and won't change...So either he'll follow me with my positive attitude or not, it's his choice, however it turns out i'll be the happy one....
    Stay exactly how you are, you are a shining beam of light and just because we're dealing with sickness our lives don't have to stop....
    Timsgirl01

    In light of a new insanity
    Hello everyone,
    I am caregiver for my 75 year old dad who found out 3 months ago he had lung c$^*#%. The whole immediate family has went topsy tervy about the situation. I am sick with depression and have been for many years, first self medicating and now doctor prescribed medicating. This part of life and what I would like to call a traumatic event in life that leaves wounds in the mind is very hard to deal with. Many people even right now are riding a very emotional rollercoaster with racing thoughts and very high anxiety and deep dark valleys.
    I believe that it is very important to be supportive of the sick persons feelings and just help them feel better as best one can, at the same time keep your own feelings in a healthy zone so to speak. If the caregiver (me)burns out, it has done no one any good, only serves to make a bad situation worse. Hard as it is a person must show complete loving compassion to the ill person and to others that are around that person and when anger tries to come out of you, stop.try and look at the big picture and deal with the unwanted feelings in a positive way, just showing the love that you are able to show for the person in which you are trying to care for. We all have seen and experienced the feeling at one time or another that love conquers even the worst of fears and confusion. Practice breathing deep, meditating and self-awareness techniques to handle the radical situations/changes that arise from not knowing what to expect from loved ones when they come around and incidentally start freaking out. Joining the insanity won't help you, the patient or family members and friends alike. Stay focused, stay calm and stay caring!
    Everyone agrees on one thing, this is hard on everyone. The cool caregiver.
    Been there, done that and doing it all over again. Hope I don't burn out!
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    #5
    soccerfreaks said:

    "however it turns out i'll be the happy one"
    As a survivor who also lost loved ones to cancer, I must say that I should just stop coming into this particular board. It is now absolutely clear that I cannot contribute.

    I do not believe in a God, but if I did, I would be down on my knees thanking Him or Her that my significant other, my primary caregiver, my wife, never said some of the recent stuff I've read in here, highlighted by the quote in the title of my response, taken from the most recent respondent.

    As a matter of fact, I do not believe that anyone I KNOW would say such a thing, even if they hated me.

    I guess I'm lucky.

    Said and meant...
    I think that what timsgirl meant by "however it turns out I'll be the happy one..." is that she is choosing to not get bogged down in morose thoughts, feelings and atmosphere. I don't think she meant that if/when he dies she'd be happy.
    I read a book recently called "Too soon old, too late wise" by a psychiatrist at Johns Hopkins Hospital and one of the little chapters talked about death and dying. One of the lines he wrote was "Life may be grim but it does not have to be serious...". We can choose to try and take a more positive or pleasant approach to life in the face of our loved ones dying.
    I really hope that if I am dying that people around me continue to talk, tell jokes, laugh, tell stories of the family or neighborhood...continue living life until it's over.
    Why do you think we send therapy pets and clowns and musicians into hospital wards? To bring life to them and lift their spirits - it is therapeutic.
    And, lastly, you have a lot to contribute by your experiences.
    Fatima
  • Cindy54
    Cindy54 Member Posts: 452
    #6
    Artin2010 said:

    In light of a new insanity
    Hello everyone,
    I am caregiver for my 75 year old dad who found out 3 months ago he had lung c$^*#%. The whole immediate family has went topsy tervy about the situation. I am sick with depression and have been for many years, first self medicating and now doctor prescribed medicating. This part of life and what I would like to call a traumatic event in life that leaves wounds in the mind is very hard to deal with. Many people even right now are riding a very emotional rollercoaster with racing thoughts and very high anxiety and deep dark valleys.
    I believe that it is very important to be supportive of the sick persons feelings and just help them feel better as best one can, at the same time keep your own feelings in a healthy zone so to speak. If the caregiver (me)burns out, it has done no one any good, only serves to make a bad situation worse. Hard as it is a person must show complete loving compassion to the ill person and to others that are around that person and when anger tries to come out of you, stop.try and look at the big picture and deal with the unwanted feelings in a positive way, just showing the love that you are able to show for the person in which you are trying to care for. We all have seen and experienced the feeling at one time or another that love conquers even the worst of fears and confusion. Practice breathing deep, meditating and self-awareness techniques to handle the radical situations/changes that arise from not knowing what to expect from loved ones when they come around and incidentally start freaking out. Joining the insanity won't help you, the patient or family members and friends alike. Stay focused, stay calm and stay caring!
    Everyone agrees on one thing, this is hard on everyone. The cool caregiver.
    Been there, done that and doing it all over again. Hope I don't burn out!

    Hello
    Being a caregiver is by far the hardest job any of us will ever do. I have been where you are. And I would do it all again. I wish you and your Dad well on your journey. Cindy

    PS...whrever did you get your profile pic? It is the most beautiful one I have seen in a long time.
  • SonSon
    SonSon Member Posts: 174
    #7
    Update on Atmosphere
    Just an update, perhaps you will find it amusing, too...
    These last 3 days we have construction workers here all day to pull the windows out of the bedrooms and reset them (the building is shifting) so there is tapping, banging, sawing, talking, telephones, doors opening and closing - all day long till they leave.

    Mother-in-law has been sleeping through all of this.

    Husband is still tip-toe-ing and shushing me.

    Crazy - banging on the wall "OK", laughing "not OK", sawing on wood "OK", laughing "not OK".....

    I think he's lost his marbles sometimes....

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