Update & N-E-1 w/Teens?

Cat64
Cat64 Member Posts: 1,192
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Let's begin w/the ME news...met the surgeon today. He pulled his chair up close and asked, "so, what's going on with (you?)" Good way to begin. I began asking my ?'s, received very well explained answers, he complimented me on my knowledge (thanks to all of you! ;-)He suggested a Lumpectomy w/rad, as I had already made up my mind to do, except I asked about Chemo b/4 hand to possibly shrink the tumor so I would be able to keep as much boob as possible. He agreed and felt the same. Great movie LIVING PROOF, glad I watched it over the weekend. I am HER2+ E&P-, so therefore I would be a candidate. He referred me to an Oncologist to discuss this option, however VERY expensive, so insurance may be an issue there. We'll see. They even called me to schedule an appt. before I got home! How immediate is that?! And to top it off, she said she already made the appt. because otherwise I would of had a long wait. I felt special! The lady I spoke with talked very highly of the Onc. I meet with him on the 1st. She says he's an Italian Angel..whoohoo, can't wait to meet him! He even has a sexy name! I have never seen so many doctors in so little of a time, let alone being fortunate enough to find good ones that I feel comfortable with. So, today I feel good. (other than the throbbing pain) Relieved. I'm breathing. Life is good :-)
Now on to the Teens.....here comes the rave
4 days after my diagnosis, my oldest son (24) Tourettes Syndrome, ADHD, ODD comes barreling through my office door ranting & raving about something HE didn't do that hurt his younger brother. (everything has always been MY fault) After he ranted a while and I couldn't take the stress of it all anymore, I asked him to leave. He threw a tantrum, said I'd never see him or my granddaughter(11mos) ever again. This is about the 3rd time he has disowned me. 1 family member down...last night my daughter (18) and my youngest son (13) got into a literal fist fight, name calling,(foul I may add)scrap in the middle of the living room floor!!! Over something very stupid. After things calmed a bit, I was discussing the situation with the "adult child", the next thing you know she twists something I said and told me she'll move out & I'll never see her or my grandson(14mos) anymore!! Yet she just went to her brother & let him have it about doing the same to me!? She still is not speaking to me. 1 more to not count on for support in this! My youngest is the quiet lovable one. I can count on him. I truly feel like it's only me & my Hubby in this fight. So.....here's my ? Where did the children I raised go? How did they become so self-centered, inconsiderate,non-caring, downright cruel & insensitive monsters?! Can it be possible that this is because of my diagnosis? Are they scared? ( The older ones) I know the little one is. Or is it that they just truly don't care!? As if I'm not in enough shock now, they have me just beside myself.I cannot believe they are acting this way! Any words of wisdom out there on what to do? They are my children & I love them no matter what but isn't this just pushing things & me way too far?! Help!
Cathy

Comments

  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    #2
    Cathy, I just want to say
    Cathy, I just want to say that is great news about your team of doctors. It looks like you will be well taken care of, so, that is great. I am happy for you.

    As far as your children, I have no idea. Just hope everything gets better and they ease up on you. You don't need any extra stress.

    Lex♥
  • Akiss4me
    Akiss4me Member Posts: 2,188
    #3
    My experience.....
    I have found a big difference between my 30 year old and my 25 year old. Now, it could be the girl/boy thing, but I think it is more the maturity thing. The way my husband put it, "They have not had a chance to be adults as long as us. We can not expect them to act the way we would, even though we raised them right. They haven't gotten there yet". He said this after an arguement with my daughter (25yr old). He also said this is the first time they have had to deal with a situation involving mortality of a parent and it is probably scaring the begeeses out of them. I need to give them a break as much as I want them to give me a break. Cancer really becomes a family issue.
    Also, I think sometimes they need to have it pointed out to them how they are acting. I'm not 100% sure my hubby didn't stick up for me behind my back and say something like, "look here, you little twirp.....this isn't about you, it's all about MOM." Either that, or she felt really bad for arguing with me. Now she is trying to buy the house next door (smile) to stay close to us.
    I hope their attitudes are temporary and they just need a little time to work their feelings out. You certainly don't need to deal with this right now, but try to distance yourself some rather than say anything you may regret later. Trust me, your children love you! ♥ Pammy
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #4
    Akiss4me said:

    My experience.....
    I have found a big difference between my 30 year old and my 25 year old. Now, it could be the girl/boy thing, but I think it is more the maturity thing. The way my husband put it, "They have not had a chance to be adults as long as us. We can not expect them to act the way we would, even though we raised them right. They haven't gotten there yet". He said this after an arguement with my daughter (25yr old). He also said this is the first time they have had to deal with a situation involving mortality of a parent and it is probably scaring the begeeses out of them. I need to give them a break as much as I want them to give me a break. Cancer really becomes a family issue.
    Also, I think sometimes they need to have it pointed out to them how they are acting. I'm not 100% sure my hubby didn't stick up for me behind my back and say something like, "look here, you little twirp.....this isn't about you, it's all about MOM." Either that, or she felt really bad for arguing with me. Now she is trying to buy the house next door (smile) to stay close to us.
    I hope their attitudes are temporary and they just need a little time to work their feelings out. You certainly don't need to deal with this right now, but try to distance yourself some rather than say anything you may regret later. Trust me, your children love you! ♥ Pammy

    Cathy,
    I ditto the happy
    Cathy,
    I ditto the happy about your great team of doctors.
    Not sure what to say about the kids. I have only one and she was and is very supportive. I remember once my mom said to me that I had the right idea about an only child. There were three of us and we were not always easy as kids or even as adults. I asked who she would eliminate and she said that was the dilema, she didn't know which one of us she would have wanted to be the only. She decided that multiple children give you more grief but can also give you more joy. You need to tell your children that they need to give you more joy, more support, and to get along for your sake. If they cannot, then you need to do whatever you feel you have to do to ensure that you are stress free during this journey. It is not about them but you. And if their behavior is a response to their fear and it could be then they need to talk with you about it and not make you guess. Could you do a family meeting and give them a set of guidelines that you expect during this time? What will and won't be tolerated (physical fighting being a no,no for example). etc. Tell them that these things are not up for negotiation. Emphasize that you love them and that you know they love you and that this is what you need from them right now. Just a suggestion. I hope that this gets worked out for you because you need to be able to concentrate on you right now. And the threats about isolating you from your grandchildren is petty blackmail and cruel. Tell them nicely that grandchildren are not pawns in the game of life. Especially at this time. They all need a big dose of Grow Up. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to have peace during this time. It is imperative right now. My thoughts and prayers are that you can resolve these issues and that they will be there totally for you. Bless you.
    Stef
  • Cat64
    Cat64 Member Posts: 1,192
    #5
    fauxma said:

    Cathy,
    I ditto the happy
    Cathy,
    I ditto the happy about your great team of doctors.
    Not sure what to say about the kids. I have only one and she was and is very supportive. I remember once my mom said to me that I had the right idea about an only child. There were three of us and we were not always easy as kids or even as adults. I asked who she would eliminate and she said that was the dilema, she didn't know which one of us she would have wanted to be the only. She decided that multiple children give you more grief but can also give you more joy. You need to tell your children that they need to give you more joy, more support, and to get along for your sake. If they cannot, then you need to do whatever you feel you have to do to ensure that you are stress free during this journey. It is not about them but you. And if their behavior is a response to their fear and it could be then they need to talk with you about it and not make you guess. Could you do a family meeting and give them a set of guidelines that you expect during this time? What will and won't be tolerated (physical fighting being a no,no for example). etc. Tell them that these things are not up for negotiation. Emphasize that you love them and that you know they love you and that this is what you need from them right now. Just a suggestion. I hope that this gets worked out for you because you need to be able to concentrate on you right now. And the threats about isolating you from your grandchildren is petty blackmail and cruel. Tell them nicely that grandchildren are not pawns in the game of life. Especially at this time. They all need a big dose of Grow Up. Be kind to yourself and do what you need to have peace during this time. It is imperative right now. My thoughts and prayers are that you can resolve these issues and that they will be there totally for you. Bless you.
    Stef

    Thanks Ladies!
    Sorry it took so long to respond. Thank you so much for the thoughts, prayers, great advice, shoulder, ear, and the laugh Stef! (That only child thing was kinda funny!)
    My daughter is speaking to me again, we had a talk last night and still continuing into today. I have discovered that the two oldest just can't seem to leave the past behind them and concentrate on the here and now! As much as I appreciate the temporary distractions, (would prefer not chaotic) you are right that it is Me time! I know there is alot of emotion goin' on in the family right now, which is normal and everyone reacts differently. Just didn't expect that one!
    Chugging along one day at at time...I am now sticking my nose in a good BC book, checking the board daily, enjoying all the moments of peace, and not looking forward to my next appointment!
    Prayers & hugz,
    Cathy
  • survivorbc09
    survivorbc09 Member Posts: 4,374 Member
    #6
    Cat64 said:

    Thanks Ladies!
    Sorry it took so long to respond. Thank you so much for the thoughts, prayers, great advice, shoulder, ear, and the laugh Stef! (That only child thing was kinda funny!)
    My daughter is speaking to me again, we had a talk last night and still continuing into today. I have discovered that the two oldest just can't seem to leave the past behind them and concentrate on the here and now! As much as I appreciate the temporary distractions, (would prefer not chaotic) you are right that it is Me time! I know there is alot of emotion goin' on in the family right now, which is normal and everyone reacts differently. Just didn't expect that one!
    Chugging along one day at at time...I am now sticking my nose in a good BC book, checking the board daily, enjoying all the moments of peace, and not looking forward to my next appointment!
    Prayers & hugz,
    Cathy

    Cathy
    I hope things calm down at home for you. If not, remind your kids that this time is about YOU now, not them and their childish ways. You are in the fight for your life and you need calmness, support, love and a stress free environment. Be firm with them. Hopefully, this will all happen for you.

    Hugs
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #7
    Cat64 said:

    Thanks Ladies!
    Sorry it took so long to respond. Thank you so much for the thoughts, prayers, great advice, shoulder, ear, and the laugh Stef! (That only child thing was kinda funny!)
    My daughter is speaking to me again, we had a talk last night and still continuing into today. I have discovered that the two oldest just can't seem to leave the past behind them and concentrate on the here and now! As much as I appreciate the temporary distractions, (would prefer not chaotic) you are right that it is Me time! I know there is alot of emotion goin' on in the family right now, which is normal and everyone reacts differently. Just didn't expect that one!
    Chugging along one day at at time...I am now sticking my nose in a good BC book, checking the board daily, enjoying all the moments of peace, and not looking forward to my next appointment!
    Prayers & hugz,
    Cathy

    I agree with others...this is YOUR time!!!!
    You are right, they are nervous/frightened about what is going on with mom. But WHEW! do YOU have a housefull!!!! I agree, sit them down, and firmly, but with love, explain that stress can make YOU worse, and that although it's no picnic, you have EVERY intention of winning this battle, but it would be MUCH appreciated if they were supportive, instead of combative.

    Sadly, kids in this age range are naturally misbehaving. It's part of the struggle to become adults. You are reminding them that they are facing 'nest leaving' by being sick. BUT you MUST take steps to take care of YOU, above all. The one lesson I learned (I had 2 special needs kids at the point of treatment) is that the world DOES keep going, without my help.

    BIG hugs to you...and GREAT news on the doctors!!! Both of my surgeons (gastric and breast) were VERY easy on the eyes. My oncologist was a short, overweight woman...but that is a totally different story...lol...

    Hugs, Kathi
  • Alexis F
    Alexis F Member Posts: 3,598
    #8
    Cat64 said:

    Thanks Ladies!
    Sorry it took so long to respond. Thank you so much for the thoughts, prayers, great advice, shoulder, ear, and the laugh Stef! (That only child thing was kinda funny!)
    My daughter is speaking to me again, we had a talk last night and still continuing into today. I have discovered that the two oldest just can't seem to leave the past behind them and concentrate on the here and now! As much as I appreciate the temporary distractions, (would prefer not chaotic) you are right that it is Me time! I know there is alot of emotion goin' on in the family right now, which is normal and everyone reacts differently. Just didn't expect that one!
    Chugging along one day at at time...I am now sticking my nose in a good BC book, checking the board daily, enjoying all the moments of peace, and not looking forward to my next appointment!
    Prayers & hugz,
    Cathy

    Glad it is a little better
    Glad it is a little better for you at home Cathy! You need to put yourself number ONE!


    Lex♥
  • jnl
    jnl Member Posts: 3,869 Member
    #9
    Alexis F said:

    Glad it is a little better
    Glad it is a little better for you at home Cathy! You need to put yourself number ONE!


    Lex♥

    For people that don't know
    For people that don't know what to say to their kids, this post has some good advice.

    Leeza

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